Journaling

I have been collecting my personal daily thoughts since I began sending them out to friends and co-workers three years ago. I began doing it when Chloe was born. She will be three years old on July 6th. I now have collected more than 250 pages of my thoughts and stories. Part of the reason I began to collect them is so I could someday give Chloe all the stories about her. Maybe when I am an old man and she is a young woman, she will be in the publishing business and through her efforts Pa Paw's book will see the light of day. Another reason I began to collect them is because many of you encouraged me to do so. I am grateful for that encouragement. I enjoy writing even though some days I feel like a newspaper columnist staring at a blank page with a deadline looming. However, the pressure to produce something everyday is a good discipline. Some days it comes easy to me and other days I struggle to say anything meaningful. I am not an expert on anything. What I write are just my opinions, random thoughts, or real life adventures and experiences. There have only been one or two occasions when anyone has taken issue with what I have written. I am still sometimes in awe that people like what I write. I suppose I will continue writing as long as there are people who want to read my thoughts. Even though I have only been doing this electronically via email and the internet for a few years, I actually began keeping journals when I entered the monastery in the summer of 1971. It was Thomas Merton, the famous spiritual writer and monk, who influenced me. For many people, including me, his journals are the favorites among all his written works. Another influence was Henry David Thoreau and his famous "Walden Pond". There is even an imaginary character that influenced me. Some of you are old enough to remember a television show called "The Walton's". For those that do, I am the John Boy Walton of my family. I encourage all of you to write down your stories. In ancient times, stories and history were passed from one generation to the next through storytelling. We all still do that to a certain degree. Someday, however, I hope that all my written thoughts will be treasured by Chloe and others because they contain memories that might otherwise have been lost over time. As I write these thoughts now I find myself remembering a recent film entitled "The Notebook". It starred James Garner and Gena Rowlands. In the movie they are an old married couple. The wife, however, has Alzheimer's and is in a nursing home. The husband visits her regularly and while there, he reads to her. Most of the movie you are under the impression that he is reading a fictional love story to her. Eventually you realize that the stories the husband is reading to the wife are his true stories of their life together. It was his way of helping her remember and to reconnect with her past. The written word is powerful and precious. Computers are great but books are better. Much of who I am today is a product of words and books.

Life And Spirituality

Life and spirituality cannot be separated. You can't have one without the other. We have a tendency to compartmentalize our lives and this is often based on the many roles most of us have in our day to day living. Stop and think for a moment about all the roles you fulfill in life. In my life I am a son, a brother, a husband, a father, a grandfather, and a friend. I am also the daily thoughts guy, the run off to the monastery guy, the rock and roller, the employee, the son in law and the brother in law. Occasionally I am nothing and I enjoy this nothingness with its lack of expectations. All of these roles as well as all the nuances and flavors of my personality with my good qualities and sometimes annoying dysfunctions make up who I am. All of these roles combined are my reality. Spirituality is allowing the Spirit into your reality. The "Spirit" in a generic sense can be represented by your personal belief system whether it is Christian, Buddhist, Jewish, Muslim or whatever. It's not necessarily the one hour a week you might spend in a church, temple, or mosque. That can certainly be part of it but it is not enough on its own. If spirituality is allowing the Spirit into your reality, then you cannot separate the Spirit from your reality. Your reality is your life. When your reality changes, your life changes with it. The Spirit will adapt to your ever changing reality but it will never be separated from it. I think mature spirituality is when you are not even thinking about it anymore. It becomes like breathing. If I had to consciously think about every breath I took all day I would not have time for anything else. Thank God our brains take care of our breathing and other bodily functions that run 24 hours a day. In the spiritually mature, the "heart" is to our spirit what our brains are to our bodies. If your heart is full of the Spirit, it will guide you in your daily living.

Over the weekend we had to put my mother in law into a nursing home. The poor dear is so confused. She doesn't remember being in the hospital last week or the assisted living home for the last three years. Having a conversation with her is like listening to a tape loop that recycles every five minutes. There's little you can do except be patience. My father, on the other hand, doesn't seem as confused to me but he will occasionally just space out and stare. It may seem a little selfish but sometimes when I am around them I find myself wondering if I am looking at my future. I must remind myself that not all old people turn out like this. My mother is 77 and her mind seems clear as a bell. I have a friend who is in his late 80's and he still drives and plays golf. Occasionally I even see him pop up on my buddy list because he's on his PC. The thing that bothers me the most about my mother in law is her fear. Being confused is one thing. Living in fear is another. Confusion, like fear, is in the head and right now her mind is not her friend.

Yesterday being Tuesday, I picked up Chloe at the day care. When I got there she was dressed up as a Princess. I convinced her that she was a Princess even without the tiara, dress, and high heels. Reluctantly, she agreed to leave the costume at the day care. Later, when we were at McDonald's eating our Shrek Happy Meal, she told me that her mother looked like Princess Fiona. I'm not sure my daughter in law would consider it a compliment to be told she looks like an ogre. Of course, Chloe also thinks her father looks like Shrek. Actually, he looks more like the King of Queens.

Summer Of Love

This coming Friday will be June 1st. In my mind June is the beginning of summer. This summer is somewhat significant for aging hippies like me. It has been 40 years since the infamous "Summer of Love". In reality the summer of 1967 was the beginning of the end for the hippie ideal and dream. Those who were there will tell you the best years were 1965-66. 1967 was actually the year that the "secret" got out, thanks to the media, and every runaway in America and others with flowers in their hair found their way to San Francisco. Two years later the hippie dream peaked at Woodstock and four months later, in December of 1969, it can to a brutal end at a Rolling Stones concert at the Altamont Motor Speedway when a Hells Angel stabbed a man to death right in front of the stage as Mick Jagger helplessly looked on. In 1967 I was 16 years old. I was too young to go to San Francisco, New York, or London, but my friends and I knew change was in the air. Revolutionary new music was appearing such as the Beatles "Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band", Jimi Hendrix's "Are You Experienced?", and other new albums from bands like the Doors, Jefferson Airplane, and the Grateful Dead. It was an exciting time to be young. My friends and I started avoiding haircuts. I still believe in the best parts of the hippie dream and the Beatles were mostly right when they sang "All You Need Is Love". Of course, the passion of youth does not always possess common sense and you sometimes cling to your romantic ideals even when they begin to sour. Sooner or later you also realize that you must live life and not just talk about it. Growing up has forced some of us to make a few compromises but we have done so without selling out. My hippie idealism has blended with Christian contemplative spirituality and Zen Buddhism to create a personal vision where I can live with integrity and honesty. I have mostly escaped the lure of the world with it's temptations of power, prestige, and possessions and I have tried to live life simply and with meaning. Rock and roll will always be the soundtrack of my life and tie dye is still my color of choice. I still believe in peace and love but I am also happy to realize that the older I get, the more rebellious I feel. My long hair is long gone and I haven't worn bell bottoms in many, many years but the spirit of peace and love and freedom is alive and well within me. Let me end with a short, but funny, story. When I still had long hair, I wore a pony tail to work. Whenever I walked to the men's room I would hear these two women chuckle as I walked by. They referred to me as the "Flower Man". When I finally asked them why they called me the Flower Man, they replied, "Well, you're too old to be a Flower Child, so we call you the Flower Man"!

Last night I watched a film called " A Good Year". It starred Russell Crowe. It was about a not so nice business man who inherited his uncles winery. After watching it I feel I must learn French and move to Provence, France to become a winemaker as soon as possible. It may take me a while to pull this off so I am not quitting my job immediately. Although I have never been to Provence, many of the scenes in the film reminded me of the area I did visit in the Burgundy wine country a couple of years ago. If you are interested, there is a delightful little book called A Year in Provence by Peter Mayle.

Random Friday Thoughts

Have you ever been awakened in the night by a charley horse? It happened to me sometime in the night. I jumped out of bed and hobbled around my bedroom looking like a character from Pirates of the Caribbean! It went away but now my leg is sore. The last couple of weeks have not been good for my body!

Yesterday was Thursday so I left work and drove to the day care to pick up Chloe. I was barely in the door when she spotted me from the distance. She came running to me from across the room like an Olympic sprinter. I love picking her up at the day care. She is excited to see me and I am excited to see her. I cannot imagine my life now without her in it. When we left the day care we headed for the five star culinary experience of the local Dairy Queen. While we were still eating her Mommy showed up on the scene and the look on Chloe's face indicated that she knew she had been tricked. Mommy had never shown up at Dairy Queen before. Why now? Does this mean I don't get to go home with you Pa Paw? When it was time to go, she parted in tears that I feel certain only lasted a short time. She and Mommy were on the way to the Mall to shop for a new bathing suit for Chloe. In less than a month we will all be going on a family vacation.

After leaving Chloe and her Mommy, my wife and I headed for the hospital to visit my mother in law. It was not such a joyful experience. My mother in law is sinking deeper into her dementia. When my wife and I got to her room, she begged us to help her escape from the "prison". In her confusion and paranoia she was convinced that she was being held hostage and the entire hospital staff was in on it. There was nothing my wife or I could say that convinced her otherwise. When I wasn't talking to her, trying to reassure her that everything was OK, I was praying that God will calm her spirit and give her peace. It is painful to see this once proud lady in such a state and to be so helpless in comforting her. As frustrating as it can be for family and caregivers, what must it be like for her to be so afraid?

When I got home...finally....joy was restored as my son told me about his day shadowing the pastor at my parish. They spent the day together so Nick could see what an average day is like for a parish priest. Earlier in the week he spent time with another priest visiting a seminary in Indianapolis. The application process is tedious and slow but if all goes well, he will begin studies for the priesthood in the fall. I was in the seminary and I lived in a monastery. At the time it never occurred to me that I might someday have a son who might one day be a priest. Life is such a mystery.

Enjoy the extended holiday weekend. Remember in your thoughts and prayers all the men and women who have died in wars, especially those who have died in Iraq. There are few of us who haven't been touched by this senseless tragedy. Pray for peace and practice peace in your own life.

What I Want To Be When I Grow Up

Yesterday I received the following email.

Do you do requests? Here's a topic that I think you might be able to speak about that I'm struggling with. What do I want to be when I grow up? I've been here 12 years and am realizing fully that this wasn't what I wanted to do when I grew up. I feel as though I'm continuously discovering things I don't want to do, but have no idea how to figure out what I want to make my life's work. I look at friends who seemed to have laser sharp focus on what they wanted to be when they were young, and are now happy and successful doing that. I'm still searching. Is that weird?

No, I do not think it is weird that you feel like you don't know what you want to be when you grow up. I am fifty six years old and I feel the same way. In all honesty, I think we are part of the majority rather than the minority. I find it interesting that your first question is "What do I want to BE when I grow up". This question is followed by the statement "this isn't what I wanted to DO when I grew up". I believe that our society places too much importance on what a person does to earn a living. In most social settings a person is more likely to be asked what they do rather than who they are. The reality is that most people are not doing what they love or dreamed about in their youth. Who of us hasn't had great dreams about how we would spend our lives before the babies came, we signed a 30 year mortgage, the water bill was due, or the car just stopped running? As John Lennon said, "Life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans.". How many waiters in LA restaurants really want to be actors? I am not saying to give up your dreams. However, you are not the first to get side tracked in a career or job that has turned out to be unfulfilling. Everything I have just said is the obvious. Now that this realization is weighing heavy on your mind and heart, what do you do about it in practical terms? What are you passionate about? I had a book once called Do What You Love, The Money Will Follow. Unfortunately I can't find the book so I can't give you the authors name. The title says it all. I think the mistake most of us make is that we work for money. Some of you are going, "Duh!" If money is the only thing that motivates you, you will never find happiness in work. You have to be passionate about more than money. Another thing I recommend is learning more about yourself in terms of your temperament and personality. Certain careers are more suited for some personalities than others. I know without a doubt that I am not suited to be a nuclear physicist. When the right person is matched with the right career and work, it is no longer work. A wise man once said, "Find work that you love and you will never work another day in your life." Have I followed all of my own advice? Am I perfectly fulfilled and happy in the work I do to earn my daily bread? Do you honestly think I stayed up all night in my youth dreaming of the day when I would be a claims supervisor in a large corporate setting? Are you kidding? In all honesty there are things I must do on a regular basis that give me little personal satisfaction. Am I doomed to a life of unhappiness? The answer is no. Sooner or later who we are will shine through. I find the greatest satisfaction in the things I do that are not part of my job. Do you think I get paid extra to write these daily thoughts? Am I on commission for the compassion I always try to practice with my co-workers? What about the counseling or spiritual direction I give those who seek it? None of these things are in my job description but doing them is part of who I am and what I bring to the workplace. Perhaps your work is only a background for you to be who you are as well. Make yourself your life's work wherever you are.

How Well Do We Know One Another?

My current illness prompted me to once again visit the doctor yesterday. After further exam it seems I am now on day nine of a viral infection that has an approximate 14 day life span. If this is true I have passed the halfway point on this annoying journey. By the time I went to the doctor, the pharmacy and a side trip to visit my ailing 84 year old mother in law in the hospital, the morning was gone and the day seemed to lack any potential for productivity. Never one to waste an opportunity to be unproductive I decided to stay home for the rest of the day, take my new medicines and enjoy the fact that they "may cause drowsiness". The one good part of sickness is all the sleep you get.

In 1999 my parents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. This year will make 58 years! For their 50th, my brothers and sisters and I had a party for them. One of the things we did at the party was take a family photo of Mom and Dad, my five brothers and sisters, the spouses, and all of the grandchildren. I have this picture on my bookshelf at home. One day Chloe picked up the picture and asked what it was. I told her it was her family. Now every time she comes over to my house, she picks up this pictures and says, "This is my family"! Chloe is such a welcome addition to the clan.

How well do we know one another? The reality is that most people do not intimately know the other people in their lives. I have sat at many family functions over the years thinking how little I know my own family and how little they know me. I could say the same thing about people I have worked with for many years. At the same time, people I don't even know write to me sometimes and say, "I feel like I know you.". It is true that many people know a lot about me because of my daily thoughts. Of course, even my daily thoughts do not reveal everything about me. I have always thought about the depth of the relationships in my life. I remember being challenged a few years ago when I was asked to write and deliver the eulogy at my father in laws funeral. How well did I know this man whose dinner table I sat at many times? Could I write and speak of this man and capture his essence with little time to prepare or to deliver? I am told I was able to do it but it would be a very difficult challenge to do it for many others. A lot of this "knowing" of other people requires listening and paying attention when you are around them. Too often our relationships are superficial and done on the run. Relationships take time and effort. Relationships are often difficult. Many people are exhausting. Sometimes when I am with people I am sincerely trying to listen to them while planning my escape at the same time. I don't doubt that sometimes people are also doing that with me. There are some people in my life that I am emotionally intimate with but they are few. I feel like I have many "friends" and acquaintances but few that I am really close with and with whom I feel comfortable sharing my deepest feelings. I am very grateful for the few that give me the luxury of truly being myself. I think my experience is pretty normal. You really can't have intimate friendships with fifty people. It's like the difference between a dinner party and a wedding reception. At the dinner party you can often open up and have deep conversations about life and your experiences. At a wedding reception it is all you can do to say hello to everyone. Admittedly I think it would be nice if my knowledge could expand and I knew a little more about the hopes, wishes, and dreams of those most important in my life. I do care about a lot of people even if I do not know everything about them. Maybe we can all make a little more effort to know others and allow them to know us.

Sickness And Health/Finding Your Way

Last week was a difficult week for me. I spent most of the week on a journey searching for my health. I still have not found all of it. Last Monday I woke up in the wee hours of the morning with a sore throat. I came to work anyway but by late afternoon I was feeling poorly so I left. Tuesday I was down and out all day. Wednesday I attempted work again but late in the day I felt bad enough to head for the doctor. Thursday and Friday I had planned off in advance and was happy I did so. I did manage to squeeze in a previously planned trip to the monastery on Thursday. One of the monks made their solemn profession. Solemn Profession is when a monk promises to remain a monk for the rest of their life. By the time I got home I realized that I probably should not have gone at all. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday I did virtually nothing but take it easy and rest. I am still not completely well and have never had such a difficult time getting back to "normal". Depending on how this day goes, I may head back to the doctor.

O God! What in your name do you expect from me? What is it you want? What is it that I should be doing if not what I am doing now? I think about these questions and more as I stumble down the spiritual path of my life. How do we know we are doing the right thing with our lives? How do we know if we are on the right path? Does the very fact that I feel like I am always stumbling down my path mean anything? Am I stumbling because its the wrong path or because it is the right path? Are the people and things that I sometimes consider obstacles in my life on my path through some divine intention? What about all the false starts and new beginnings? Are they indications of a confused or poorly planned journey? Am I a tourist, tour guide or an explorer on the spiritual journey? I do not think I am a tourist. If I am tour guide I should know the path well enough to lead others. If I am an explorer, I should be clearing a path for others to follow. If you are on a serious spiritual journey, I believe doubt is a healthy part of the spiritual journey. If you were certain of everything, you would not need faith. There is no map quest for the spiritual journey. There are no directions that say "Go 2.3 miles down this road and then turn left on another road for 4.7 miles until you see the light". Another thing that makes the spiritual journey challenging is that much of the time you are stumbling down an unknown path in the dark with blindfolds on. The best you can do is feel you way. Sometimes you will bump into things and lose all sense of direction. You can't read a compass in the dark when you are blindfolded. This doesn't sound like much fun, does it? What can you do? You can't stand still or you may always be lost and in the dark. All you can do is slowly move forward, inch by end, until you are out of the woods and in a clearing where you can see the sun and the stars. It is only then that you can know where you are, enabling you to see the road that will lead you where you should be. When you arrive you will know what to do.