Silence Is The Perfect Note

Yesterday's weather was awful. It was cold and wet and dreary. High winds blew all night on Saturday. I really didn't want to leave the house on Sunday. Much of my long weekend I just stayed home. It's probably a sign of age that I would prefer to be in my home than just about anywhere. I stayed home on Friday and spent much of the day engrossed in a book. The rest of the weekend I finished the book and took one or two world class naps. I had the down time I needed and wanted. I would have extended my book reading, music listening, and nap taking to all of Sunday as well but it was Mother's Day and I also needed to visit my Dad in the nursing home. I drove over there in the rain. I went into the community room but no Dad. I went into his bedroom but no Dad. I finally found him in the dining room. He was sitting at a table with some other residents and my sister from New York. I didn't expect to see her until later in the week. Dad is actually doing pretty well. He was very coherent and talkative. He's actually showing a sense of humor about all his current trials and tribulations. Sitting at his table was an elderly woman who clearly had no idea what year it was or what planet we were on. She was kind of funny and kept talking to me as though she knew me. My Dad looked at me, then looked at her, then looked at me again and said, "See what you have to put up with when you are old"! Dad is showing a level of patience, humor, and acceptance of his life that I never expected. As you might expect there are some indignities and humbling experiences one must endure when others must care for your every need. Dad seems to be dealing with that very well and from what I can observe the staff at the nursing home is excellent. Dad seems to be treated with a great deal of kindness and respect.

Here's some poetry from Hafiz.

I Took It As A Sign Someone sent a band to my house and it started playing at five in the morning.I took this as a sign that God wanted me to sing!The the moon joined in and a few of the tenor voiced stars,and the earth offered its lovely belly as a drum.Before I knew it, I realized all human beings could be happy,if they just had a few music lessons from a sweet old maestro like Hafiz.

I don't think there is much in my life that wasn't made better when music was added to the mix. It could be a great day or a bad day. I can be with friends or sitting alone in my room. Have you ever been driving down the road on a beautiful day with your favorite music playing? It can be such a happy moment that you feel as though your heart might leap out of your chest. Its total joy, pure and simple. Of course, I must also agree with something said by Fr. Matthew at the monastery. Even Beethoven played all day is noise. This statement comes from a man who loves jazz but values silence. Even the contemporary artist Sting has said "Silence is the perfect note". I am a person who is something of a fanatic about music but I, too, value silence. I recommend a nice balance of both.

O God! What in your name do you expect from me? What is it you want? What is it that I should be doing if not what I am doing now? I think about these questions and more as I stumble down the spiritual path of my life. How do we know we are doing the right thing with our lives? How do we know if we are on the right path? Does the very fact that I feel like I am always stumbling down my path mean anything? Am I stumbling because its the wrong path or because it is the right path? Are the people and things that I sometimes consider obstacles in my life on my path through some divine intention? What about all the false starts and new beginnings? Are they indications of a confused or poorly planned journey? Am I a tourist, tour guide or an explorer on the spiritual journey? I do not think I am a tourist. If I am tour guide I should know the path well enough to lead others. If I am an explorer, I should be clearing a path for others to follow. If you are on a serious spiritual journey, I believe doubt is a healthy part of the spiritual journey. If you were certain of everything, you would not need faith. There is no map quest for the spiritual journey. There are no directions that say "Go 2.3 miles down this road and then turn left on another road for 4.7 miles until you see the light". Another thing that makes the spiritual journey challenging is that much of the time you are stumbling down an unknown path in the dark with blindfolds on. The best you can do is feel you way. Sometimes you will bump into things and lose all sense of direction. You can't read a compass in the dark when you are blindfolded. This doesn't sound like much fun, does it? What can you do? You can't stand still or you may always be lost and in the dark. All you can do is slowly move forward, inch by end, until you are out of the woods and in a clearing where you can see the sun and the stars. It is only then that you can know where you are enabling you to see the road that will lead you where you should be. When you arrive you will know what to do.

Thinking More About Less And Less

I am sitting at home right now at the little desk in my music room. Outside my window it is pouring down rain. The air is cool and moist. It is a quiet evening at home. My son Nick is here and home for the summer. I suppose he will just take it easy for a while now that finals and the school year are over. It seems to me that his first year of seminary life went very quickly. After our approaching family vacation is over he will attend summer school while living in a parish. For the time that he is living with me I will need to buy extra food and laundry detergent.

I will be taking tomorrow off. It has been a while since I had a day all to myself and I very much need one. Weekends are usually busy and often full of family activities. I need a day with no agenda or goals. I make no apologies for the fact that I need to do this once in a while. I suspect that other people sometimes enjoy a day where the only company they have is themselves. In a certain sense I am my own best friend. No one knows me or understands me like I know and understand myself. Everyone else...family, friends, co-workers...only know a part of me. I am not hiding anything. It's just that most people's experience of me is limited and so their knowledge of me is limited as well. I've heard it said that your true self is who you are when no one is watching. What you do when you are alone says a lot about who you are. On my solitary days I may do a few things but mostly I am just being. Being is not necessarily sitting still. I can be and move at the same time. On my solitary days I have a sense of being invisible to the world even if I am in a crowded place like a mall or a sandwich shop. On workdays and weekends I often am in a hurry. I move about quickly checking off tasks on the mental list in my head. On my solitary days I move about effortlessly. I am doing what I want to do so there is no inner resistance to it. I am happy and I move about with a spring in my step. In reality the day can be quite ordinary. In spite of that it is refreshing and restful and renewing. A solitary day during a time when one normally works has an entirely different feel than a weekend day. If you don't occasionally take a day just for yourself I highly recommend it. It's not just for introverts like me who have a solitary nature.

My musical hero Jerry Garcia once sang a song with a lyric that went "I'm thinking more and more about less and less". As I get older this lyric makes more and more sense to me. When I was younger I was a voracious reader. I am not talking about reading romance novels while sitting on the beach. I read biographies, theology, philosophy, psychology, and spirituality books. The "lightest" material I read was probably about music or a musician. I was often consumed with trying to understand the meaning of everything that I thought was important. Is there a God? Why am I alive? What is the meaning of my life? Do I have a purpose? Is there more to life than the daily tasks and routines that all of us get locked into? What's the point of anything? Do you want to know the answers to these questions? The truth is that I don't know the answers. I do, however, have beliefs and speculations about all these things. At one time this "unknowing" bothered me. I wanted to know and understand. These days I "think more and more about less and less". I am more focused now on simply trying to live life and enjoy it. I have mostly given up trying to understand life in general and my own life in particular. I have learned that life is not always fair, it doesn't always make sense, and often doesn't go my way. There are things I do because I have to and there are things I do because I want to. Weaved in, around, and through all these tasks of living, I try to be open to all opportunities for happiness, laughter, love, joy, and the transcendent. You can never factor these things into your day so one must be open for the sneak attack they often make on us. For example, I rarely look forward to getting out of bed and coming to work. Does anyone? However, it is often in the workplace that I laugh the most. My friends and co-workers often bring a smile to my face. There's a lot of "doing " in the world and most "doing" requires thinking. I am thinking less, and perhaps doing less, but I am "being" more. For those of you who may wonder, I am not naive enough to think that everyone can stop doing and simply be. I have spent much of my life doing all kinds of things. What I am saying is that there is a time for doing and a time for being. Some of us are called to more "being" so we can remind all of you consumed with "doing" that you need to stop once in a while and listen to the beat of your own inner drummer.

Enough Is Enough

Yesterday was a beautiful day. It was bright and sunny with skies of blue. I usually don't take breaks and my lunches are very short if I eat alone. It was such a nice day, however, that I took my breaks and I also ate my lunch outdoors with a friend. We took a short walk but then decided to just sit. The sun was warm but the air was cool. I could have sat on the park bench for hours. My friend and I had some conversation but one attribute of a true friendship is that sometimes you don't even need to speak. Sitting together in silence is enough.

In the 9th verse of the Tao Te Ching, the writer speaks of the attitude that "enough is enough". In our restlessness and emptiness we have a tendency to always want more and more and more. Many people are ambitious and driven to gather more money or more power. Why? So they can get more stuff or, in the case of power, give themselves the illusion they can control more stuff. Contentment is a very unappreciated concept in our society. People who are content are often viewed as lazy and unambitious. The obsession with possessions is symptomatic of a great spiritual malaise in our culture. Most of us have it to some degree. Not only is it futile because our emptiness can never be filled with more possessions, it creates addictive behavior. Although it seems harmless I know I have an addiction to music. Put me in a music store and I am soon separated from all of my money. It's not enough to have a few Cd's from a favorite artist. No, I must have their entire catalogue in the latest remastered editions with bonus tracks! There is a subtle believe that if I have them all I will be happy and fulfilled. Then, after a few days of listening, the new CD goes on the CD rack and the hunger for something new begins again. In my mind I know that if I never bought a CD for the rest of my life I have more than enough to provide a soundtrack for my life till the end of my days. This hunger, this need to "fill up", whether it is with Cd's, fine wines, cars, clothes, or even relationships, masks a deeper longing and hunger which I believe can only be filled on a spiritual level. Of course, that gets tricky, too. Sometimes God fills you up and then disappears to see if you can live with the emptiness. God's habit of playing hide and seek has never ceased to annoy me. To balance all of this I try to practice mindfulness in the sense that I try to not long for what I had in the past, or what I may get in the future. I try to drink in whatever the day has to offer. Today is the only meal being served. Be filled with the moment.

Where Have All The People Gone?

I left work yesterday with some dread. I didn't sleep well on Sunday night and was in a daze much of Monday. The home pantry was bare so a trip to the grocery was needed. Walking through the store I looked at the other shoppers. Most of them looked like extras for a remake of the "The Night of the Living Dead". I fit right in with them. After arriving home and cleaning up I was soon surrounded by dirty laundry. The swishing of the washing machine and the tumbling of the dryer played harmony with the music coming from my stereo system. I was trying to keep moving so I did not fall asleep and repeat the tossing and turning of Sunday night when I went to bed. The sandman pursued me relentlessly so I had to resort to some coffee. I hate it that I am often so tired on work nights. I really don't want to fall asleep and waste the precious few hours of personal time that I seem to have during the work week. What kind of quality of life is this? When you feel that all you do is work and sleep it is no way to live.

I did sleep well last night and felt reasonably refreshed this morning. Although the temperature today is expected to be 80 degrees it is a cool morning. When I went outside to retrieve the morning paper the air smelled sweet.

My personality is one that loves peace, seeks harmony, and hopes for a calm life. Although I have moments when I experience all of these things, I sometimes feel neither peaceful, calm, or harmonious on the inside. That may be a shock to some of you. Most people think I am a "go with the flow" kind of person. Admittedly I sometimes go with the flow for the sake of peace and calm but on the inside I am waging a silent battle. I do not want to be king of the world or a person in charge. Although I can be a perfectionist I am not a control freak. What I have noticed about myself over the years, however, is that I sometimes bristle when others try to control me. Now in an appropriate situation like work I can do what I am told. Following direction from someone who has a legitimate right to give me direction is not a problem for me most of the time. I think what I am trying to say here is that I am at a stage of life where I am a little tired, in general, of having to do things I don't want to do and of trying to meet other people's expectations. How old do I have to be to do what I want? Most of us are surrounded and presented with other people's expectations and demands. Am I selfish because I long for some personal freedom and some control of my own life?

Sometimes I wonder about all the people who have been part of my life and then quietly moved on. Thinking of them sometimes makes me feel like I have spent my whole life standing still while everything and everybody moves around me. I have been a married family man for many years and have also worked for the same company a very long time. I believe I have always been dependable and reliable. I am a creature of habit and routine. When my alarm clock goes off in the morning, my mind and body go on automatic pilot and I robotically go through my day doing all the things I think I am supposed to do. Some days I am not sure I am even awake when I do them. I believe I have always been there for whoever needed me. I am sure many of you could say the same things. Do you have days when you wish you weren't so mature? Do you have days when you wish you could be more carefree and have less responsibility? Do you have days when you wish you were more adventurous and perhaps a little less cautious? Another one of my more annoying tendencies...at least to me....is taking the path of least resistance. I wish I would take a direction more often that has no path and on which you can only make progress by hacking your way with a machete. I wish I took more risks. We are sometimes overly concerned with our security and this often causes us to play it safe. Safe is not always best. Of course, in my defense, and the defense of others like me, I have done many things and continue to do many things because people depend on me. Most of us do not totally own our own lives but I am not sure at what point taking back your own life is nothing more than selfishness. None of us are out of chances yet to be more adventurous or to take more risks but the clock is ticking. Are you standing still?

Far Away Is My Favorite Place

Wow! Is the weekend over already? Where did it go?

I had a reunion of sorts with an old friend this weekend that I had not seen for nearly a year. I was recently reconnected with him and he showed up Friday night with gifts and import beer. We drank the cold Sierra Nevada beer and it was like no time had passed. It was good to see him again. He was always like an adopted son to me so I had missed him. I was very happy with the gifts. He brought me some framed photos of one of the Grateful Dead who he had seen play recently at a music festival. The pictures now hang on the wall of my music room.

Most of the weekend was centered around my granddaughter, Chloe. I picked her up on Saturday afternoon and she didn't leave until Sunday evening. Most of the time it was very pleasant if never ending in activity. Chloe is like the "Big Bang". When she comes to my home she rearranges every molecule of my universe. Of course, when you are a grandparent everything you own is a source of curiosity for a child. On Sunday afternoon we had a tea party. The participants were Jerry Garcia, a Tyrannosaurus Rex, Muppet, a nearly 30 year old stuffed animal that was a toy for Chloe's father, Chloe and me. St Francis of Assisi and Buddha declined the invitation because they are "delicate" and can't be played with. We ate "salad" that Chloe picked off the evergreen bushes in my front yard. Later in the evening we walked around the neighborhood. She was on my shoulders. When I asked her where she wanted to walk she replied, "Far away"! I asked her, "Why do you like to go far away"? She replied, "Far away is my favorite place"! Gee, she's not quite four years old and already has wanderlust.

I was happy last evening to receive a very nice email from a woman in Scotland who reads my daily thoughts. It still amazes me that my thoughts typed from my little desk in Kentucky sometimes end up in other parts of the world!

What Is Balance?

What does it mean to have balance in your life? Simply put, I think it means to have just enough of everything. I don't mean the absolute minimum requirement of what you need to be happy and content or for basic survival. It means working enough to appreciate play. It means sleeping enough to appreciate wakefulness. It means feeling a little hunger once in a while so you appreciate food. It means experiencing a little loneliness so you appreciate the love of another. It means sometimes feeling sad so you value laughter and joy. It means spending some time by yourself so you appreciate the company of others. The singer/songwriter Arlo Guthrie once said, "You can't really appreciate a light unless you have a dark place to put it in". Of course, too much of a good thing can be a bad thing. Have you ever tried to go to bed at night when all the lights are still on? Have you ever eaten or drank so much that you made yourself sick? Balance is found in the tension of opposites. Balance is not found in extremes. Balance is your companion when you walk the middle path of life.

Every time I write about some concert I have seen, inevitably some one will write me and say "How do you know about all these musical events"? It's very simple. The Internet provides most of my information. I go to the websites of my favorite artists as well as my favorite venues and I get on their email mailing lists. I know about most things weeks or even months in advance. Of course, when all else fails I have friends....and they know who they are...that sometimes stand at the mouth of the cave where I am often hiding. They stand outside and shout "Mikey! Come out and play"! It is rare that I ignore them. Sometimes there is some travel required but I love most road trips. In my opinion seeing live music is worth all the effort it may require. Sitting outside on a summer night with friends, enjoying the sounds of good music, is one of life's great joys. Add a few beers and a late night breakfast, and you have achieved Nirvana. Later this summer I will be seeing the Steve Miller Band, Joe Cocker, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers and Steve Winwood. Who knows what else may come my way?

It is a good thing to have holy days and holidays and special times like the Kentucky Derby. I concur with the Dalai Lama when he says that all people were born to be happy. It is a good thing to celebrate life. I can't remember who said it but someone put forth the idea that God will be just as upset with those who failed to enjoy all the good things that life has to offer as much as He might be with the people who have done bad things. I have lived 57 years so far. When I look back it is all the good things I remember most. Most of the bad things that have ever happened to me seem like bumps in the road now. The good memories are always fresh and on a boring day when I might get lost in the occasional daydream, they visit me like a cool breeze on a hot summer day.

The Gift Of Writing

For all of those who wrote to me yesterday and expressed caring or concern about me, I am fine. One of my female friends suggested that maybe I was having a PMS day. I have been married for over thirty years and I am well aware of what PMS is. I have the scars to prove it. This reminds me of a time I was in a Border's book store. I saw a display with a book that had an intriguing title. It was written by a man and titled Everything I Know about Women. Since I am always looking for insight into the female gender I picked up the book and began to page through it. All the pages were blank! Gee, I could have written that book! I have acquired the same depth of knowledge and insight after living with the same woman most of my adult life.

I will continue writing daily thoughts because there are many people who value them and 99% of the time I enjoy writing them. I am scheduled to go on a family vacation in a few weeks so I will get a break then. Sometimes I get compliments not so much for what I say as much as how I say it. People tell me I have a gift for writing. Since I have never really done anything to develop my writing and it comes natural to me, I guess it really is a gift. If one has a gift, it should be shared. Of course, having the ability to write complete sentences that are more or less grammatically correct is just half the equation. One must have something to write about. In order to have something to write about one must be a student of life, have a keen eye for observation, and, if you are truly blessed, the soul of a poet. I would have to give some credit for my writing skills to all my English teachers but more than that I would thank all the great writers whose books I have read in my life. I think it is difficult to be a good writer if you are not a reader of well written books. I am influenced by many authors, especially Thomas Merton. As far as my vision of life I would give a great deal of credit to the time I lived in the monastery and for my continued relationship with the monastic world. I don't know if spending time in a monastery in my youth has made me a truly spiritual person but it did teach me a different way of seeing the world around me. When you look at life from a contemplative stance, it is to some degree looking at the world with the eyes of a poet. Contemplative and poetic eyes see the magic of life and the extraordinary that is often hidden in the ordinary and seemingly mundane routines of life. As an adult I have to work a little bit to see life this way. My young granddaughter, Chloe, sees it this way naturally. Of course, her perspective will get clouded as she gets older and one day she will have to re-learn to see things as she sees them now. When you have quiet moments in you life and you are able to simply be, remember this. There is "looking" and there is "seeing". They are not the same thing. Take the time to truly see things so that which is sometimes hidden will be revealed to you.

Most of this week in true Kentucky Derby tradition it has been cold. Yesterday, however, was a very beautiful day. I went out for a walk during lunch with one of my favorite friends. She is also a favorite lunch buddy. Our walk was wonderful and refreshing. We made one another laugh a lot as we walked along the river and through the park. The sky was blue, the sun was shining, and a cool breeze was blowing. There was a festive feeling and aroma in the air because the "Great Lawn" along the river is temporarily the site of many food vendors who are in town for Derby Week. Many of my fellow office workers and others who are tourists or on vacation are enjoying their lunch outdoors with friends and family. Today I will also be having lunch in the land of gyros, pork chop sandwiches and elephant ears.