Living In The Twilight Zone

The month of November has been very surreal. I feel like I have been living in the Twilight Zone. First there was my unexpected surgery, hospital stay, and my continuing recovery. As soon as I was released from the hospital, my mother in law entered the hospital and died about two weeks later. I squeezed in a couple of days at the office but for the most part I did not work in the month of November. My mother in law's death coincided with planned vacation time so both were additional reasons I did not work. This afternoon some members of my family gathered at my mother in law's residence to make decisions about her personal belongings. All of her things were given to various people and tomorrow a moving company will deliver the last of her things to my home and the home of my son. It was another emotional experience closing another chapter in our lives.

Tomorrow my life will return to something resembling normal, whatever that is. My alarm clock will once again go off at its normal workday time. I will rise from my bed and face the morning commute. Waiting for me at the office is a new work location and all my things waiting in boxes. Before leaving on vacation I had to quickly pack and tomorrow I will need to unpack and resettle. At some point I will need to meet the movers at my house and hopefully still have time to make my final appointment with my surgeon. I am healing well so I look forward to the end of my health crisis soon.

While my wife and I were helping to dispose of my mother in law's personal belongings, my son, Nick, headed back to the seminary in Indianapolis. After a few classes and final exams, he'll be back home in a couple of weeks for Christmas vacation.

Thanksgiving Day

Today is Thanksgiving Day here in America and for the first time in my life I am at home instead of visiting someone else's home. For many, many years my family would go to both sets of parents and by the end of the day my belly would be very full of the traditional Thanksgiving entrees. About five years ago, after my father in law passed away, we began going to the home of my sister in law, Judy, for a midday feast and then we would visit my family in the afternoon. Of course, my father is now in a nursing home so my mother often goes to my sister's house for Thanksgiving. This year things are a little different. We just buried my mother in law yesterday and the family is exhausted from the events of the last two weeks. As a result we decided that we would not gather together as we normally do. Each family is on its own. So I am home today with my wife and youngest son, Nick, who is home from the seminary for his Thanksgiving holiday. We will have a traditional holiday meal provided by the generous co-workers of my wife. They all chipped in and provided us with everything we need for today's meal. As I type these thoughts the aroma of a baking turkey fills the house. Life goes on and traditions change but we still have much to appreciate and be thankful for on this special day.

It is a gorgeous day. The sun is shining, the skies are clear, and it's a pleasant 55 degrees. My wife and son have been completing our Christmas decorations. That holiday is now less than a month away. The house is beautiful thanks to my wife's creative abilities and my son's assistance. We have four Christmas trees and many other colorful and joyful decorations. Denise and Nick have taken advantage of the beautiful day to take all the empty storage crates out to the shed and have also put outdoor lights around the front door and the surrounding bushes. Certainly there will be some sadness this holiday season because of my mother in law's passing but we will still be thankful today for all of life's blessings and gifts and we will also embrace the joy that the Christmas season brings with it.

Eulogy For Edna

Today we buried my mother in law next to her beloved husband, John. They are buried in Calvary cemetery. Right behind their graves is the enclosure wall of the Carmelite nuns. It is a great spot to be laid to rest. My sons were pallbearers and I was asked to give a eulogy. We were all honored to do these things. Here are the words I shared about this wonderful woman.

This past Sunday, a beautiful, clear, sunny day, Edna passed from this life. My father in law, John, once made a statement to his daughters about Edna that has become something of a family joke. He said, “Girls, your mother swims upstream”. True to those words and the words of the poet Dylan Thomas, she did not “go gentle into the good night”. The last couple of weeks were difficult but in her final moments she surrendered and surrounded by Denise, Pam, and Judy, she left this world in peace. I was also blessed to be in the room at the time of her passing and earlier in the day I was able to have my time alone with her. I gently held her hand and thanked her for everything she had done for me and everyone else. I prayed with her and told her we would all be fine and that she could let go and be with John. She must have heard me because she died a little while later.

I have been part of the Clements family for over 35 years. From the very beginning Edna embraced me and treated me more like a son than a son in law. She had a smile that would light up a room and a heart as big as life. If our family life together was a movie, John may have been the producer but Edna was the director. She was the real go to person if there was a problem. We knew she was the power behind the throne. This tradition has continued with Denise, Pam, and Judy. They are strong women. If you doubt it, ask their husbands.

Looking backwards over time my mind is filled with memories of life being celebrated. Edna was a hostess beyond compare and boy could she cook! I always preferred eating at her house more than any restaurant. I was overweight most of the time that she cooked on a regular basis. I did not begin to lose weight until she moved into an assisted living home and stopped cooking. We had family dinners that were legendary, not only for the quality of the food and the consumption of wine, but for their length and capacity for laughter and deep discussions. Admittedly, they were curtailed at one point with Edna’s proclamation of “No more Stingers’”! Before that day we had worn out several blenders and emptied many bottles of brandy and crème de menthe.

In addition to the intimate family dinners, I have memories of large Christmas parties for friends and extended family to say nothing of the wonderful weddings that John and Edna provided for all of us. Whatever the occasion, there was Edna with her captivating smile, her humor, and her magnificent hospitality. It is said that everyone has a gift. Edna’s gift may have been the gift of taking care of everyone and making sure they were happy. If Edna was around, your needs were met. Never content with providing one dessert at a meal, Edna would provide three!

Certainly, Edna was a great wife and a wonderful mother. As the husband of one of her daughters I could not have found a better mother in law. In addition to these roles, she was also a wonderful grandmother to my sons, Mike, Jr. and Nick, as well as Rick and Pam’s daughters, Chelsea and Christy. My own granddaughter, Chloe, called her the “old grandma” and loved to sit in her lap. Chloe made one visit to the hospital recently and while there got in the bed with Edna. During other visits in the past they would play peek a boo and both would laugh.

In her final years Edna was sometimes sad. She never got over John’s death five years ago. In spite of this there were still good times. Denise and I would pick her up and take her to the Cracker Barrel for dinner. I still kidded with her on a regular basis and I often made her laugh. Judy appears to have inherited Edna’s gift for cooking and in recent years our Thanksgiving feasts have been created in Judy’s kitchen using Edna’s recipes. Our Christmas Eve’s have been at Pam’s house and every Christmas morning Denise and I would bring Edna to our house, a house where she lived for many years.

I know I am not alone when I say that Edna will be missed. Her passing is the end of an era for our family. However, all of us take comfort knowing that her earthly suffering and sadness are over. We take comfort in our belief that she is now with John and all those she loved in life who preceded her in death. Her life was a life lived well. She loved greatly and was also greatly loved and she has left a huge footprint on our hearts. We are sad today but we will forever have our memories of her to bring a smile to our lips and laughter to our hearts. She would want us to continue what we have always done…celebrate life.

The Passing Of My Mother In Law

Early this afternoon, on a beautiful, clear, sunny day, my dear mother in law, Edna Clements, passed from this life. I was blessed to be present in her last hours along with my wife and her sisters. Shortly before her death I was able to spend time alone with her. She was really more like a mother to me than a mother in law. While holding her hand I thanked her for everything she had done for me over the years. I told her what a great mother in law she had been to me and what a wonderful grandmother she had been to my children and granddaughter. I told her how her husband, John, and others she loved who have preceded her in death, were waiting for her. Edna was a grand and classy lady with a smile that lit up a room and a heart as big as life. In the 35 or so years that I have been part of her family we had many, many wonderful times. There are so many stories that could be told. I will be thinking a lot about our family life and our stories over the next day or so. Like I did for my father in law when he died, I have been asked by the family to give a eulogy at her funeral. I consider it a great honor. She will surely be missed and never forgotten.

Home Again...But Alone

I spent last night in the Hospice facility with my wife and her sisters as we continued a bedside vigil for my mother in law. As of this evening she is still with us despite us telling her it is OK to let go. My wife and I came home early this morning to clean up, change clothes, and take a short nap. As we were driving back downtown I had this image of my father in law on the other side of the great abyss saying, "Come on, Edna! Just jump"! She seems so close to death yet it seems so far away. However, despite the waiting and the anticipation I know it might come like a thief in the night and catch us all off guard. Hopefully, all of us, especially my wife and her sisters, will be there to greet it and assist in the hand off of my mother in law from this world to the next one. She is resting most of the time and the Hospice nurses ensure she is comfortable and pain free. We think she is aware of what's going on. Sometimes she opens her eyes and makes sounds or gestures that indicate moments of lucidity. I am home for the night unless my wife calls and tells me her passing is imminent. If she makes it through the night I will rejoin everyone in the morning.

Home For A While

Tonight my mother in law is resting comfortably at the Hospice facility. My wife and I, and other family members, are at our homes. Earlier this evening the Hospice nurse who is caring for my mother in law recommended that everyone go home and get a good night's sleep because we all looked exhausted. She advised us that based on her experience death was not imminent and not likely to occur tonight. She said, "Get your rest while you can. You may not get it later". She promised to watch my mother in law closely and that she would call us immediately if there was a significant change in her condition. We all sensed she was a woman we could trust and that our mother was in good hands. We will all sleep at home tonight and in the morning we will take care of any personal needs before heading back downtown in the morning to resume our vigil.

Today I spent about six hours at Hospice. The same nun who was a chaplain at the time of my father in law's death is still there and was in my mother in law's room when I arrived. Later I ran into a priest I know. The two of us went into my mother in law's room and prayed for her. I'm not sure what my mother in law, a Baptist, would think about having a Catholic priest praying over her but we did it anyway. I was happy earlier in the week while we were still at Suburban Hospital when the nurse asked if we needed the hospital chaplain to stop by. My sister in law, Pam, pointed at me and said to the nurse, "We brought our own". If I am any spiritual comfort to anyone in the family, then I am happy to be used this way.

During a time when I was walking up and down the hallway, I prayed for all the other patients, their families, and all the caregivers. Working in a Hospice is a real ministry. For a few brief moments as I looked out the sixth floor window on the downtown landscape, I was happy to see snow flurries in the air.

Keeping Vigil

For the last three days my wife and her sisters have been keeping an around the clock vigil at their mother's bedside. I have been juggling returning to work and making hospital visits. I have had the luxury of coming home each night to sleep in my own bed. Now I am "officially" on vacation so at least I no longer must worry about going to work. Denise and her sisters are exhausted. They have been dedicated and loving daughters to their mother. At this moment they are all getting a short break. My wife is upstairs sleeping. A little while ago I received a call from one of my sister in law's telling me that my mother in law has been moved downtown to a Hospice facility. In a little while we will all head down there. Hospice is a wonderful organization and they do a fantastic job helping patients and family deal with the end of a life and the issues surrounding it. At the moment I am letting my wife sleep a little longer before we must go downtown to the new facility. I am not sure when I will be able to write again. Please keep my mother in law, who's name is Edna Clements, as well as my wife and her sisters, in your thoughts and prayers.