Mid Winter Blues?

I do not normally complain or whine in my writing and I do not plan on doing so now. However, I must admit that I have been in a funk for a couple of weeks now. I think it is a combination of post holiday blues caused by the return to "normal" life, a slight case of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) and a feeling of just being bored with my life right now. On top of this, I just haven't felt all that great. I do not feel sick but I often feel depleted. Even the B-12 shots I take every month do not seem to make any difference. Plus, it seems I feel the winter cold more than I ever have before. At my house the holidays are not quite behind us yet. Just today we finally started packing away all the Christmas decorations. It will probably be another week before everything is out of sight and out of mind. I love it when this finally happens because my home seems bigger and simpler without all the decorations. I admit I like them leading up to Christmas day but I tire of them quickly once the holidays are over. I am also weary of the cold, dark, and short days. It will only get worse before it gets better. The worst of winter in my part of the world is yet to come. The one part of winter that brings me joy is snow. At this time, however, we have yet to have a real snowfall. Typical of this time of year, I am also a little bored with life. The rock and roll road trips are months away and very few musical opportunities happen in winter. I do have a show planned for early March but that is really early spring and it seems far away at the moment. Work is also slow and uneventful. The days drag and minutes seem like hours. I try not to watch the clock but that is quite a challenge. When I catch myself doing it I secretly laugh remembering a Chris Rock comedy special where he talks about the difference between a career and a job. What I have is a job.

After being home nearly a month, my son returned to the seminary today to begin the next semester. Even he was somewhat lacking in enthusiasm. Becoming a priest is a lot of work. He hasn't lost the desire but like all of life's endeavors, it's often challenging to get back in the groove after being home for a month sleeping in every day and playing video games into the wee hours of the night.

A friend sent me the following quote. As someone who loves psychology, I really liked and it makes a great deal of sense to me.

Whenever two people meet, there are really six people present. There is each man as he sees himself, each man as the other person sees him, and each man as he really is.
-William James (1842-1910), American pioneering psychologist

Splitting Wood

It is a cold night, at least it feels cold in this room where I spend most of my evenings. According to my computer it is 25 degrees outside. That's cold enough for me. Recently, when I was feeling old, it occurred to me that one sign of my aging is that I seem more susceptible to cold. Some days I seem to literally feel it in my bones. The aches and pains seem to also increase the colder it gets. The older I get the more I love sweaters!

Today's Tao thought seems to be in perfect alignment with some of my recents thoughts.

The woodcutter works in all seasons. Splitting wood is both action and inaction.

The last sentence in the commentary says, "True labor is half initiative and half knowing how to let things proceed on their own". The commentator speaks of using the ax properly and hitting the wood correctly. If done properly, less effort is used and greater success is achieved.

As I have said before, the way of the world is to push things along rather than let them take their natural course. Many seek power and control over everything around them. Rather than seek power over my surroundings, I seek to be present to everything around me. I seek unity more than control. Admittedly, I have a sometimes subtle and sometimes not so subtle resistance to anyone and anything trying to control me. In that sense it is a challenge for me to let go. My resistance to forces outside myself and my subconscious attempts to make things go my way, mixed with some tendencies for passive/aggressive behavior, sometimes creates a psychological tug of war within myself. There is a time for action and there is a time for inaction. The secret is knowing the difference. A bigger question for me is what really motivates my actions? It is easy to understand my resistence to other's attempts to control me. It is more challenging to understand the motivation and desires of my own actions.

More Thoughts From The Tao

Here are some thoughts I have recently read from the Tao.

Wind in the cave,
Movement in stillness,
Power in silence.

In the commentary one reads that "Contemplative stillness turns us away from the everyday clamor but allows us to hear the subtle in our own lives. The deepest sound is silence".

It is difficult enough to find stillness and silence in our 24 hour a day non stop culture. It may be even more challenging to find it within our own minds and hearts. The noise in my own head chases me all day long. My own thoughts are like a stalker that is always nearby. Of course, all thoughts are not unwelcome and I am glad that I am a introspective person who likes to think. What annoys me is when I cannot turn it off. Speculative thinking about feelings and relationships wears me out sometimes. I am smart enough to know that feelings are not usually reality and my occasional obsession with trying to interpret other people's meanings and intentions is a laborious task that I would rather let go. Some of this, of course, is due to my sensitive nature that I consider both a blessing and a curse. Letting go of obsessive thinking is part of my personal challenge to simply be.

Today I read these thoughts from the Tao.

We may have great fortune or bad, but we should patiently bear both. No matter what, we must always be true to our inner selves.

One of my favorite new sayings is "It is what it is". It is always a struggle to be non judgemental. Good things happen. Bad things happen. Sometimes life is disappointing. Life is what it is. What I try to do is not judge any of it. Sometimes what appears to be good turns out to be bad. Other times what appears to be bad turns out to be good. When I am non judgemental about the day to day events of my life, I am allowing life to simply unfold as it should. By trying to not judge life's events as good or bad, I simply accept what they are and allow myself to be present to them. They are what they are and life is what it is. As far as being true to my inner self, I usually am and when I am not I can sense it. I like to believe I am doing the best I can to be who I am. When other people annoy or disappoint me, I have to remind myself they are doing the same.

Aging Rock And Rollers

Today was an enjoyable day. It got off to a good start when I drove to work and the sky was full of snow flurries. We really didn't get any accumulation but the flurries themselves filled me with the hope that snow will cover the ground anytime. In my part of the world snow is still magical and beautiful and, sadly, rare. One reason I love the snow is that it is silent as it covers the trees and bushes and ground. During the lunch hour flurries were once again in the air as my friend Wendy and I walked the downtown streets on our way to a restaurant. It was cold and breezy and just the kind of winter day that I find invigorating.

Later in the day I was having some humorous email exchanges with my good friend Bridget. She is my usual partner in most of my rock and roll adventures. On a musical level she is the female version of me. Today we were joking about being aging rock and rollers. We wondered how much longer we could keep going to rock concerts together. Above is a picture she sent me envisioning our future as aging rockers.

When The Holidays Are Over

It is always a little depressing to go back to work and return to your normal life after the end of the holidays. Even though the holidays can be busy and stressful there is a joyfulness in the air that carries most people along. Most of us are generally in good moods and everyone seems excited. At least some of that excitement stems from having time off from normal life and work. I had two four day weekends back to back because of Christmas and New Year's. Even though I enjoy my job as much as I can enjoy any activity that I am forced by life to perform, at this point in my life time off is more valuable than just about anything including money and recognition. I say this with the caveat that employment and income are still very much needed in my life and I am grateful to have both of them. I know I will get over this down feeling in a few days but right now it seems huge. I'm sure some of it is due to the usual Monday night fatigue I am feeling at the moment. In honor of my granddaughter, I am including a picture of SpongeBob Squarepants that depicts how I feel at the moment.

Is it normal to be more emotional as one gets older? Although it is seldom obvious to others, I am often moved to tears by life. It's not sadness. More often than not it is joyfulness. Sometimes, though, I think it is a bit of melancholy for reasons that are not always obvious to me. The strangest things move my spirit and occasionally bring tears to my eyes. Tonight it was the annual Kennedy Center Honors for artistic achievement. Two of the recipients were Pete Townsend and Roger Daltry of the rock band the Who. A brief overview of their careers was shown as well as a musical tribute. In the middle of it I found myself crying. I guess it was because they have touched my life deeply even though they are only two of many musical artists I love. Their music is part of my life's soundtrack and we have grown old together. If the soundtrack of my life is ever released on CD's it will take hundreds of CD's and no one will be able to afford it. I have always been sensitive but it seems my sensitivity gets more emotional the older I get.

The Moment Is As Perfect As It Can Be

Father Richard Rohr, a friend and former teacher of mine, came up with the thought that "the moment is as perfect as it can be" as he recognized his own frustration of being stuck in traffic at a red light that seemed to be broken. I remembered this thought today while involved in a dialog at the monastery. It was a dialog that I feel I've been in hundreds of times. It basically had to do with a group I've been part of for almost 20 years. It was the same conversation about progress and goals and where we are and where we're trying to be, etc, etc. It wasn't an unpleasant conversation. It was just a conversation that I am weary of discussing further. I basically shared with the group that I don't worry about anything related to the group and I certainly don't lose sleep over it because we are where we are and "the moment is as perfect as it can be". Like everything else in life, it will unfold as it should.

Today was actually a collection of perfect moments. It began with getting out of bed at an early hour. I took a shower and left the house as quietly as I could. I then stopped off for some gas and a cappuccino and got on I-65 South. My first stop was the Huddle House which is basically a better version of the Waffle House. I met my friend, Father Dennis, for breakfast. As always we had some great conversation. Afterwards I followed him to his house where we had a very informal and laid back mass. The homily was a dialogue between the two of us. After my visit with Dennis, I headed for the monastery where I joined the monk's mass in progress. When that was over a large group of monks and other friends met at the Family Guesthouse across the highway for a luncheon. I was at the monastery with some of my favorite people. There was plenty of tasty food. While eating the food there was more great conversation, a little of Brother Paul's poetry, and an intimate one man cello performance from a gentleman who is retired from the Cincinnati Symphony. All of this together created a perfect Sunday afternoon. As far as I was concerned the moment was a perfect as it could be. Today's Buddhist thought provides some insight into how to create perfect moments in your life.

Happiness and suffering come from your own mind, not from outside. Your own mind is the cause of happiness; your own mind is the cause of suffering. To obtain happiness and pacify suffering, you have to work within your own mind.

-Lama Zopa Rinpoche, "The Door To Satisfaction"

My Granddaughter

My granddaughter spent the night at my house on New Year's Eve. She routinely stays here and like all grandchildren she loves being with her grandparents. As her Pa Paw I love it too. In my selfishness I wish she would always stay the way she is right now. Although she can certainly act like a typical child and she does throw the occasional tantrum, she is still the most loving and sweet and innocent human being I know. I love it that she now talks and is actually quite articulate. Talking with her is like talking with a adult. Sometimes when we talk she looks at me and seems to think "What's the problem, Pa Paw, are you dense"? Of course, sometimes I pretend to be dense so she will continue trying to explain something to me. While lying in bed on Wednesday night she said "Did you known that when you vomit you turn into a Zombie"? A few minutes later, after hearing a dog bark outside, she said, "Pa Paw, there's wolves outside"! I assured her there wasn't and that it was only a dog barking. The next morning when we got out of bed, we sat side by side and snuggled while eating bowls of cereal. Later we watched the SpongeBob Squarepants full length move...twice! We also have a game where I ask her, "Who's my favorite granddaughter"? She smiles and points to herself. I then ask, "Who's your favorite Pa Paw"? She smiles again and points to me saying, "You are"! The picture above was taken on New Year's Eve. Her Teddy Bear is apparently wear her blue footie's.