Feeling Good About Myself

Sometimes, for reasons I don't know or understand, I feel unappreciated and unnoticed. A few years ago, after seeing the Bruce Willis movie "The Sixth Sense", I wondered if I was also dead. It sometimes felt like I was walking around, thinking I was one of the living, when, in actual fact, I was really one of the dead. I often thought, "What do I have to do to get noticed"? Recently...finally...I have gotten the notice I deserve at work. Last week my current boss gave me the best annual performance review that I have ever gotten. Today I received some survey results from a recent Gallup corporate poll. My staff was asked to respond to a number of questions about my leadership and the kind of working environment that I create. They were asked to rate me on a scale of 1 to 5 with 5 being the highest. My overall score was 4.63 which put me in the highest level percentile. I am very pleased and extremely flattered to have been rated so high. The amazing thing is that I really don't do anything extraordinary. I don't come home at night and read management theory books. I simply try to be kind, understanding, fair, and compassionate. In other words, I treat the people on my team the way I want to be treated. These poll results strongly indicate the appreciation of my staff. You don't have to be Attila the Hun to be a good leader. Just be a decent human being.

This week I have eaten McDonald's Happy Meals in four different McDonald's restaurants trying to obtain all the Ice Age action figures for my beloved granddaughter. I have multiples of everything except the two main characters. They are a Wooly Mammoth and Sabertooth Tiger. I think I will have to visit every McDonald's in my part of the world! This coming weekend my wife and I will be taking Chloe to see "Ice Age...Dawn of the Dinosaurs" in 3D. Having watched the first two Ice Age movies about 500 times I am actually looking forward to this new adventure. Now if I can just track down those damn action figures!

My Weekend

Sometime within the last few days I had my 6000th visit to this blog. I appreciate those who stop by and I hope those who do return. I know there are regular readers and others who never return. I find it interesting and a little exciting that people all over the world read my blog. I am grateful for all of you, whoever and wherever you are. I hope that what you find here is of some comfort or enjoyment.

Yesterday was a busy and full day. After a good night's sleep I got out of bed and went to a local restaurant where I met two strangers. They had contacted me by email and wanted to discuss the lay group I lead at the monastery. They were very interesting people with lots of education and life experience plus a deep curiosity about contemplation, Zen, and spiritual living. We hit it off very well and spent nearly two hours discussing all of these things. They seemed to be kindred spirits and I suspect we will be seeing more of one another. I often feel less than spiritual in my daily living so I am usually amazed how much passion I have for spiritual things when I am involved in such a conversation. Whether I am talking about the spiritual life, music, or my granddaughter, I often get very excited and I believe this excitement reveals my passion. I love to be passionate. It makes me feel alive. So much of life can be boring or life draining. Passion is energizing and it fills us with life.

After my breakfast meeting I came home and immediately left for a pool party at the home of some friends. It was a good day for such a party. The sun was shining bright, the sky was blue, and it was hotter than hell. Officially, it has been summer for less than a week. However, it seems we've already had many days with temperatures in the 90's. The pool party was enjoyable. The water felt great, I didn't get too sunburned, and the frozen alcoholic concoctions that I drank throughout the afternoon were very, very tasty. I should be living in Key West, Florida with Jimmy Buffet as my neighbor. In the evening we had an Italian dinner where I drank too much wine, ate too much bread and pasta, and experienced a diabetic hell. When I got up this morning my blood sugar level was 212....not good.

Today I slowly got out of bed. I really didn't want to get up but I forced myself to do so because I always enjoy my weekend mornings where I can sit in my chair, drink my coffee, listen to my music, and read my morning newspaper. Now it is early afternoon and soon Chloe and her parents will be here so my son can install a new window air conditioner. It is for my bedroom and is an attempt to cool down my menopausal wife who I am afraid will burst into flames any day. She's always hot and I am always cold. Once this air conditioner is installed I will need to buy some new flannel pajamas, a hat and gloves, and a new electric blanket. Once my wife cranks up this new air conditioner sleeping in my bedroom will be like camping out on Mount Everest in a snowstorm. I may need to also buy a small pup tent for my side of the bed.

Here's a great website. Check it out. I love Zen. People think it is complicated. It's not. Zen is simple. Zen is being where you are and doing what you are doing. It is that simple and it's that challenging. When you are walking, just walk. When you are eating, just eat. Whatever you are doing, just do it.

http://www.zenmoments.org

Master your senses, What you taste and smell, What you see, what you hear. In all things be a master Of what you do and say and think. Be free. Are you quiet? Quieten your body. Quieten your mind. By your own efforts Waken yourself, watch yourself, And live joyfully. Follow the truth of the way. Reflect upon it. Make it your own. Live it. It will always sustain you.

- from the Dhammapada

More Thoughts On Happiness

I have many happy moments and my life is generally good. Still, like many, I get down in the dumps over life's monotony, boredom, routine, demands, etc. I also unfortunately have a personality that is often cynical and I find much about the world and people disappointing. Less your think that I believe everyone else is the problem, I am also often disappointed in myself as well. However, I actually try to be upbeat, positive, and optimistic about life. Sometimes I think it is deep thinkers like me who have the hardest time being happy. Less you think I am arrogant, my status as a "deep" thinker is something that has been given me by others. I'm really not very intellectual or deep. I am introspective. Sometimes I hate being "deep" and always feeling the need to find meaning or purpose in everything. I wish I could simply relax more and just enjoy the life I have.

Most lives are not happy all the time. Happiness is most likely to be found in unexpected moments. Why can't most of us be happy all of the time? Buddha teaches that all life is suffering caused by bad karma or our our poor choices. I tend to disagree with this absolute and would change his basic thought to "much of life is suffering". Christians belief that our suffering in life is the result of the "original sin" when Adam and Eve disobeyed God and ate the forbidden fruit. Whatever the reason or cause, it is a basic truth. Perhap's our experience of happiness is relative to our perception of the level of suffering in our lives. Then we must ask, "What is suffering"? One man's suffering is another man's good life. Materially, I live like a king compared to many in the world. Emotionally I often feel like there's a big void in my life and spiritually I often feel like I am in the desert. Hmmmm, it appears that 2/3th of my life is a wasteland. Some would say, "Get over yourself! You have a nice car, a big house, and a great family". I know all of this is true and that sometimes I do just need to just get over myself, my petty emotions, and my daydreams of the perfect life. I need to be more grateful for the material comfort I have and for the people in my life even if they don't meet all my needs or expectations. Someday I hope to actually achieve this level of gratitude. When I do I may be rewarded with a greater sense of the elusive feeling we call "happiness".

Trying To Define Happiness?

Tonight I received an inquiry from a friend who asked if I was trying to define happiness. The basic answer to his question is "no" but here is my complete response to him.

No, I don't think my reflection was a quest to define true happiness. I think my bigger question is why, in the midst of circumstances that should make us feel happy, do we still sometimes feel so restless. I've often referred to myself as a "romantic". By that I don't mean a ladies man. I mean someone who is a dreamer and idealist. People like this, including me, tend to always have feelings of longing, often for something they can't even name or define. As a friend once said about Thomas Merton, "He was always longing for the further shore". My life is good and there is little that justifies complaining. However, I still often have this sense of longing. I'm just not sure what I am longing for!

Perhaps this longing is what drives me in life and what motivates my restless soul and questioning mind. Sometimes it seems like a lonely journey but I know I do not travel this path alone.

Breaking Down Or Breaking Through?

At this time in my life I often feel like my spiritual life is falling apart or at least cracking at the foundation. At the same time I do not feel a crisis of faith. I believe in God as much as I always have. However, the way I relate to this God may be changing. The part of my spiritual life that seems to be falling apart is my relationship with the religion in which I was raised. I was raised a strict Catholic and much of my life was filled with the spiritual practices and piety of this tradition. I have not rejected this part of me, and the Church has not done anything to drive me away. I'm not really sure what my problem is. To use a term coined by another, I think the Church is simply no longer feeding me and the hunger and longing I feel is not being satisfied. This is certainly true on the parish level. The only part of the Church that speaks to me is the monastic and contemplative life as lived in places like the Abbey of Gethsemani. I still feel very spiritual and I have a deep appreciation for silence, solitude, being in the moment, and having a sense of oneness with the other. The sometimes complicated theology of my Church seems overly complex when compared to the simple precepts of Buddhism. In spite of my attraction to Buddhism I know I will never be a real Buddhist. I am Christian and Catholic in the marrow of my bones. Someday I will likely find my way back to the Church from the spiritual side trip I seem to be on now. I don't know where I am going but I do not feel lost. Today I heard a song by George Harrison that had a lyric that struck me deeply. It simply said, "If you don't know where you are going, any road will take you there". So, I will walk the road ahead of me and see where it takes me. All roads, however long and winding they are, eventually take us home.

Father's Day Thoughts

I have just returned home from a family Father's Day dinner at a local restaurant. It was a very nice meal even though I had to pay for it. My oldest son is also a father so we both received some cards and gifts. At one point in the meal we paused to remember the grandfather's who have left this world. This is my first Father's Day with out my Dad. Although I still have the evening ahead of me, the meal was a nice conclusion to a good weekend.

Yesterday afternoon my oldest son came over and completed a number of chores for my wife and me. I am no Tim the Tool Man but somehow my son is gifted with the use of tools and the ability to fix things. I am a klutz for the most part. In the evening my wife and I attended a 50th Wedding Anniversary party for one of her cousins. When they got married my wife was the six year old flower girl in their wedding. I am still trying to get my head around the fact that my wife and I will be married 35 years later this summer. Time marches on and nothing can stop it.

My younger son informed me last night that he will be attending St. Meinrad School of Theology in the fall. This is the next step in his studies for the priesthood. This was not his first choice of schools but he is accepting of the Archdiocese's decision. My wife and I are thrilled. I am thrilled because St Meinrad is also a Benedictine monastery with close to 100 monks. With Nick as a student there I will have ample opportunity and reason to visit. My wife is happy because he will be close to home. St. Meinrad is only 75 miles from where we live. It is a beautiful place and much like the Abbey of Gethsemani. They both follow the same basic Rule for Monasteries but each with a different emphasis.

Last night I was thinking that although I do not feel ordinary, I do not feel special either. On the surface my life certainly seems ordinary. My life is full of daily routines, obligations, and tasks. In spite of this I really try to not to live an ordinary life. If the surface of my life seems ordinary and monotonous, I strive to constantly find the extraordinary within the ordinary. This is very challenging. I read to enlighten my mind. I reflect to enlighten my soul. I strive to slow down and live in the moment so I can be present to life more fully. Still, it often feels like I am just going through the motions. It is difficult to not feel like my life is a series of robotic motions that simply include a rotation of work, sleep, eat, laundry, work, sleep, eat, laundry, etc. Sometimes I am unhappy but I am also aware of all that is good in my life. If everything doesn't go my way, there is still much to appreciate and for which to be grateful. I strive to make my gratitude outweigh my unhappiness. I think part of my current struggle is a feeling that I have lost my sense of purpose. For what reasons do I do what I do? What is the point of my surrender to the boredom and monotony of life? Buddhism says our suffering is a result of our own minds. How is my mind causing my own suffering and unhappiness? How does one break the dysfunctional patterns of one's own life? How do you escape from yourself? If our own mind causes our unhappiness and suffering, and not other people or circumstances as we like to believe, what kind of cartharsis is needed to break the cycle? Real happiness and contentment seem to elude me. Why I am so restless?

Manual Labor

Let me state right from the beginning that I do very little manual labor. Most of my life I have been an office worker. Office work tends to drain your brain and leave you feeling brain dead at the end of the day. It doesn't matter if the work is the usual daily drudgery or something a little more challenging. On the rare occasion that I might be asked to do something intellectually challenging, I actually get energized. I admit that I am a classic, introverted couch potato who has never been a very energetic person. When I was very young, however, and a lot stronger, I did more manual labor. I was once a young novice living in a monastery where manual labor was seen as a path to God. In the life of a monk manual labor is considered as spiritual as attending formal prayer services. Most of the time in my life, whenever my work day is over, or whenever I have personal time, my top priority is to grab a book, listen to some music, or watch a favorite movie. I would never do manual labor for fun and I must be highly motivated to do any required manual labor. I tend to procrastinate about anything I do not want to do. Most required tasks in my life are accomplished strictly through an act of the will, some acquired discipline, and the need to earn my daily bread. Having said all of this, today I spent some time doing unforced manual labor. Earlier today we had some very heavy thunderstorms in my part of the world. My back yard ended up with a number of downed tree limbs. It wasn't nearly as severe as last winter's ice storm but enough to require some clean up before the next lawn mowing. In a spurt of unusual energy I was inexplicably motivated to go outside and clean up the back yard. Actually, there was some motivation. Earlier this week it was junk day in my neighborhood. As of today the city has not picked up anyone's junk. I knew if I could carry or drag all my tree limbs out to the curb I could have them hauled away as junk. While doing all of this I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I was wearing jeans and a long sleeve shirt to protect myself from any possible poison ivy. It was almost 90 degrees. I was an idiot to be doing manual labor in the middle of a very hot afternoon. The good news is that I accomplished my tasks and I am still alive to write about it. Even though I do not really enjoy manual labor I always feel a great sense of accomplishment when I do it. It is much more satisfying than 90% of the work I do in my office. Today I am tired. Tomorrow I will be sore. However, I am also happy that I did it.