The Longer I Live The Less I Know

Recently one of my friends, who is a minister, made the following statement. He said, "I really don't like to preach anymore. People in my congregation expect me to have all the answers. The deeper I go into the spiritual life, the less I know". These may not have been his exact words but they convey his meaning. I know exactly what he means. I have never been a person who required absolute certitude about everything but I have spent much of my life seeking knowledge and spiritual fulfillment. In some ways I am at my intellectual peak. However, more often than not I feel like my friend. The more knowledge I have acquired the less I know for sure. My life is full of doubt, a fair amount of cynicism, and more questions than answers. Throughout my life I have heard people say, "Ignorance is Bliss". In my doubt and in my unknowing I am content if not in bliss. I no longer feel the need to know and understand everything. No amount of understanding can explain most of life anyway. The world is a collection of riddles wrapped in enigmas. On many levels life makes little sense. We won't even go into whether or not life is fair. One glance at the morning newspaper or the evening news quickly shows you that life is not fair. We do not all equally share the riches of the world or its pain. The Buddhist teacher, Aryadeva, says in his text Four Hundred Stanzas, "Pleasure, when prolonged, is seen to change into pain. Pain, when prolonged, does not change into pleasure". Although it seems that the longer I live the less I know, one thing I do know for sure is that I will die someday. What I do not know is when. Death is the only certitude I have. As the Buddha says, "A place to live unharmed by death does not exist. Not in space, not in the sea, nor if you stay in the midst of mountains". So, with the certitude that my current life will end someday, and carrying the backpack of Unknowing, I will continue to blissfully and lightly walk through my life. Rather than mourn my increasing lack of knowledge, I will delight myself with the knowledge that I do not need to know. By not focusing on knowing I am free to simply be.

Picnic At Thomas Merton's Hermitage

Yesterday I woke up at the crack of dawn and headed down the highway. My first stop was the Huddle House where I met my good friend, Fr Dennis. We try to get together at least once a month. We have the most wonderful conversations that can go in almost any direction. Whichever way they go they are never boring. After breakfast and a short stop at his home we both headed to the monastery to join the monks for Sunday mass. Later, after mass, I joined another group of friends for a picnic at Thomas Merton's hermitage. It was rather hot and typical of summer in Kentucky. The temperature hovered near 90 degrees and the humidity was high. In spite of the heat I had a very enjoyable time. There were approximately 15 people there along with several of the monks. It was especially nice for some folks since they were making their first visit to Merton's. I have been there many times including two private visits where I made extended weekend retreats. Spending time alone in Merton's Hermitage, especially at night while the rain poured down in the surrounding woods, was quite a treat. The hermitage itself has changed very little since Merton himself lived there. Pictured above are a couple of shots from yesterday's gathering.

Chloe's Birthday Party

I had a very busy weekend and had little opportunity to post anything on this blog. It was a good weekend. My wife and I attended a cookout on Friday night and Chloe's birthday part on Saturday afternoon. I can't believe my little granddaughter is five years old. I can no longer remember time before her birth. She is the joy of my life and I also find great satisfaction in the fact that she loves me so much. I've never felt so loved or popular with another human being. My son and daughter in law are doing well in life. They have a beautiful home and seem to have a good marriage. Chloe's birthday party went very well and I am proud that my son has become such a good father. As one might expect for an only child and grandchild, Chloe did well in the present department. In the pictures above you can see her new bike and her Mickey Mouse birthday cake. She doesn't yet know that Memo and Pa Paw are taking her to Disney world next summer. Don't tell her or she will make me crazy for the next year!

Good Thoughts That Came My Way

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me... It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone...
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first pay check.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood.. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23.. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25.. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ’In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36.. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Lazy Days

In my youth there was a song on the radio about the "lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer". Well, as this summer marches on my days haven't been too hazy or crazy but they have certainly been lazy. Most days I wake up to beautiful, slightly cool mornings. Some of the best moments of my life remain the quiet times before leaving for work when I sit in my chair with my morning coffee and a few lines from whatever book I am reading at the moment. On weekends I am able to linger a little longer as I drink multiple cups of coffee and I enjoy my leisure and the morning newspaper. Workdays have generally been pleasant and all is well in the workplace. My evenings have become less and less productive as I sit around in a daze or I find myself falling into a wonderful dream state. Naps are always nice but I don't like it when they steal my precious personal time. I tend to have an active mind and I often put pressure on myself to read or write. Sometimes when I feel like I should be making more of a difference in the world I feel better about myself when I am learning some new insight through my reading or I am sharing some new knowledge or reflection through my writing. Lately I haven't felt like I am sharing much of value. Most of my recent blog entries have been little more than simple sharing about what I am doing in my life. In all honesty I am not feeling all that insightful these days. In the past such feelings made me wonder if my well was dry. However, I think much of my previous efforts to be insightful were thinly disguised efforts to find meaning in my own life. Such efforts often wore me out. One friend suggested I shouldn't have to work so hard to find meaning in my life and that it should be more obvious to me. I was often weary of the search and frequently wished I could simply relax and enjoy the life I had a little more. Maybe my recent "lazy days" have been exactly that. I've been making a conscious effort to be more appreciative of what I have in life and less focused on what seems to be missing. These summer days I have tried to enjoy simple pleasures, without guilt, whether they be the joy of music, the smile of my granddaughter, or the success of my children. Perhaps it all boils down to learning how to relax and live. This attitude seems to go well with aging in general and the natural process of slowing down. I am going to continue enjoying these "lazy days of summer" and then I will enjoy the "lazy days" of autumn, winter, and spring.

Where Did My Long Weekend Go?

Any time off from work goes by in the blink of an eye! Like many people I was so looking forward to my three day 4th of July weekend. Now I sit here with a small sense of dread that tomorrow is Monday and I must get back into the work mode. I don't feel alone because I know without a doubt that all my friends and co-workers are feeling the same way. I console myself with the knowledge that I am employed and I work in a very enjoyable work environment.

It was a good weekend for me even though it has rained for the last two days. Friday was a day of total leisure and music enjoyment. As I wrote in my previous post I immersed myself in the summer sounds of the first Woodstock Festival in 1969. I thoroughly enjoyed this new batch of old music. Yesterday I picked up my granddaughter so my wife and I could take her to the movie before bringing her to our house for a sleepover. Chloe is the apple of my eye and she brings me great joy. She also brings me great fatigue. Once she has returned home I usually go into the sleep mode. We had a great time at the movies. We saw the new children's movie called "Ice Age...The Dawn of the Dinosaurs". She sat in my lap the entire time asking me questions or laughing hysterically. Pa Paw enjoyed the movie, too. Much of Saturday evening and Sunday morning I was sitting on the floor of my living room re-enacting the prehistoric world of mammals and dinosaurs with Chloe's Ice Age action figures and my own dinosaur collection. Today I feel like I have recently worked out at the gym. I am not sure if my soreness is the result of yard work I did on Friday or from crawling around on the floor like a five year old.

The evening is now here. I need to gather all my trash and put it out on the curb. Laundry can wait till another day. Surely I have enough clean clothes to get through a day or two of work before doing a wash. The picture above was taken today at Chloe's house. One of her dogs, Cosmo, is partially in the picture. For now I will chill out for a few more hours before bedtime and the beginning of a new week.

Living In A Hippie Dream

It doesn't take too much to make me happy. I came home from work yesterday and found a package on my front porch. It was the "Woodstock Experience" Box Set. It contained CD's with the complete performances of Jefferson Airplane (pictured above), Santana, Sly and the Family Stone, Johnny Winter, and Janis Joplin. I've heard bits and pieces of these performances over the years but I have never heard the complete performances, unedited, like they went down 40 years ago at the original Woodstock Music and Art Fair in August of 1969. It blows my mind that 40 years have passed. That's a lot of water under the bridge. I'm all for living in the moment but it's a wonderful thing that we have the technology to relive great moments from the past over and over again. I love it that Thomas Edison invented the ability to record words and music. I love it that Gutenberg invented the printing press so books would be accessible to millions of people. It's not likely that I would have the opportunity to hear live in the moment music everyday. That's why it's so wonderful to have recordings whether they were recorded last month in a state of the art recording studio or in near primitive conditions 40 years ago in a field on Max Yasgur's farm. Music and books have given me many joyful moments. Listening to these exciting, and occasionally ragged performances, brings back so many memories of a time when I was much younger, more energetic, and perhaps more hopeful since I was yet to be beaten up by life. A lot is said about how age is all in the mind. For the most part I believe this. My 58 year old body has had it's share of life's hardships. Even my mind has had it's share of struggle as I try to control its tendency towards negativity and cynicism. However, my mind is my only hope as I try to maintain some sense of youthfulness as old age attacks me from every side. Assisting my mind are the sounds of my youth when life seemed free and easy and full of possibilities. Today I will sit in my music room, enjoying my holiday weekend, and, at least in my mind, I will imagine that I am sitting cross legged in a farmer's field, surrounded by my friends, as we groove on the rock and roll sounds of our generation. Soon enough the weekend will be over and I will be back in the office returning to the illusory world of business where I am expected to be a adult.