Time Fades Away

As Neil Young once famously sang, "Time Fades Away".  Life can certainly feel like this sometimes.  It has been over a week since I have written anything.  Where did the time go?  Looking at my calendar I see a trip to my local cinema, a doctor appointment, a couple of trips to the pharmacy, dinner with my oldest son and granddaughter one night, and another dinner with my youngest son on a different day.  In other spare moments I have been packing for a ten-day excursion that begins in a couple of days.  I love going places, but I generally dislike traveling, especially if it involves an airport.  I am not afraid to fly but I find the experience of airports and security and tight schedules tedious and stressful.  I'm pretty sure most other people feel the same way.

Sometimes I think I suffer from mild depression.  I read this is common in older folks.  Feeling happy has always been challenging for me.  Yes, there are Zen moments and occasional contemplative enlightenments, but I have always been somewhat reclusive, and I think entirely too much.  In addition, I have a personality that strives to find meaning in everything.  I want my life to have purpose and direction.  It is not always easy to see meaning or purpose in one's daily life especially when you are somewhat detached from the everyday life lived by most people. 

May I be brutally honest?  I have come to believe that every person has some kind of emptiness or need that drives them, whether they realize it or not.  Somewhere in our past, most likely in childhood, we have been hurt or traumatized and we never quite got over it.  It has taken me many years to figure out what this means for me.  I think it is a sense of feeling unloved and unlovable.  Although my parents were not bad or abusive people, they were also not the most loving, touchy feely, warm and fuzzy types either.  I have no memories of being hugged or told I was loved.  As an adult my relationships with my parents were cordial and respectful but definitely not close.  Once in childhood I was part of a first string twelve-man football team.  I played in every game.  At the end of the season eleven boys were chosen for the all-star team.  I was the only boy that wasn't chosen.  In my adult experiences I was often overlooked and underappreciated.  I would be told I had skills but just not the ones being sought.  In other words, I have spent much of my life feeling that I wasn't good enough or talented enough.  As a result, I have spent most of my life feeling inadequate and lacking.  I have often felt like I was never enough for anyone or anything.  I don't think these feelings are unique to me.  Someone will read these thoughts and think, "This is exactly how I have always felt".  Others will think, "What a whiner"!  A few might respond to me by telling me to get over myself.  I could go on and on but I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.  One point that I would like to make with this is that most people have no idea what is going on in the minds and hearts of other people.  I believe most people are hurting and that much of their energy is spent covering it up.  Many suicides are a shock to the people close to the deceased.  

Be honest about your own feelings of pain and sadness.  You are not alone.  Some people are faking it better than you.  Other people are better at hiding it than you.  The fact that other people can cope with things better than me is just another way I feel inadequate.  Like most of you I am generally a good person.  When I'm being a jerk or acting grumpy there is usually a deeper reason.  Okay, sometimes I really am an ass but most of the time something much deeper is going on.  Most of the people in our lives need a break.  Cut them some slack.  We're all hurting one way or another.       

Be compassionate and show some kindness and love to yourself and others.     

Both Ends Of The Rainbow

This past weekend I had hoped to experience both ends of the rainbow.  What do I mean?  Like most people I am a collection of contradictions and seemingly conflicting characteristics.  If you know me personally you are aware I love visiting the Abbey of Gethsemani where silence and solitude abide in plenty.  My plans were to get up Saturday morning and drive to the monastery to meet with friends, including monks, for what I find stimulating discussion about spirituality and the contemplative life. This was going to be the front end of my rainbow experience.  Alas, it was not meant to be.  Friday evening, I was cleaning up my kitchen when I discovered that I had no hot water.  I wondered why.  The hot water was flowing fine earlier in the day.  I went to check my water heater and it was leaking badly.  The floor in my furnace room was all wet.  I immediately knew I had a big problem.  It was late in the day but I managed to have a plumber come to my house.  He turned off the water to the heater to stop the leaking.  You must know that I am not a mechanical person by nature, and I am generally a failure as a handyman.  After some discussion we agreed the heater must be replaced but it couldn't be replaced until Saturday morning.  This of course clashed with my plains to go to the monastery so I had to cancel those plans.  The good news is that I now have new water heater and plenty of hot water.  The bad news is that it came at a substantial cost.

The other side of my personality is an aging hippie who loves rock and roll.  Yes, I understand that my inner monk/aging hippie personality seems like an unlikely pairing.  Somehow it works for me.  Originally, I was going to spend Saturday morning at the monastery and then attend a rock concert with my best friend on Saturday night.  He had won two free tickets from a radio station.  The bad news was that they were in the nosebleed section of a very large arena.  It is difficult to argue about free tickets, especially when the bands are Cheap Trick and Heart.  I first saw both of these bands in the 70's.  We drove to the venue and parked in the same parking garage where I parked in my working days. I had a minor heart attack when the attendant told me the parking fee was $25!  Once inside the venue I would discover the $14 beers.  My friend and I had already decided that we weren't going to sit in the nosebleed section and that we would simply find two unsold seats and then move around as needed.  As we were entering the venue I saw a sign that said the nosebleed section was closed and if you had tickets there you would be given a seat upgrade.  Hooray!  Believe it or not we were given a significant upgrade to seats three rows off the floor.  I couldn't believe it!  They were the best seats I've ever had in this venue.  Did I mention they were free?

Both of these bands are close to me in age so they are not youngsters.  Cheap Trick and Heart both kicked ass.  I thoroughly enjoyed their performances and they played most of the songs I wanted to hear.  When the show was over I miraculously slipped out of the venue and parking garage for quick access to the highway and soon was on my way home.  It was a perfect night and I had a wonderful time.  Long live rock and roll!  However, I still love the silence and solitude of the monastery.          

Slip Slidin' Away...

 

Earlier this week I saw Paul Simon on a late-night television show and much to my surprise he performed one of his older songs.  I was expecting something new.  If memory serves me well, he sang "Slip Slidin' Away".  Looking back, it seems appropriate because it perfectly describes how this week has felt so far.  Last week when I decided to start writing again, I was hoping to write something every day.  If you are paying attention, you can see that I haven't written anything since last Sunday.  Today is Thursday.  

On Mother's Day my family gathered at my son's home for a very nice dinner.  On a side note, regarding food in general, I am a little upset with myself.  I have diabetes but generally I keep it under control.  After a couple of visits to my doctor it's apparent that I've fallen off the wagon.  I have gained some weight and my A1C is higher than normal.  I need to be more vigilant about what I eat.  Goodbye ice cream and chocolate chip cookies!

On Monday I discovered a leaky pipe in my bathroom.  This required a plumber installing a new pipe under my sink.  Getting this repair scheduled and completed took most of Tuesday.

Wednesday was grocery shopping day.  A few other errands were also included.  I strived to buy healthier food and snacks.  Grocery shopping is exhausting for me, and I am usually shot for the rest of the day whenever I do it.

I was looking forward to going to the cinema today with my wife and son to see the new Planet of the Apes movie.  My son has been busy, so we've rescheduled this event several times.  It looks like we will be rescheduling again because now my wife is sick, and I will be taking her to the doctor this afternoon.  We've all been looking forward to this movie for quite a while.  I have been a fan of the franchise since the 60's when my stoner friends and I saw the first movie with Charlton Heston as "Taylor".  Those were the good old days.

It is challenging to live a quiet and peaceful life.  All plans are subject to change without notice.  Even my mood and abilities have been tested lately as I deal with some foot issues that can be painful.  I thought I might have gout, but bloodwork indicates that I do not.  This might sound strange but I am almost disappointed.  At least gout would have explained some of my symptoms.  If I do not have gout, what do I have?  Arthritis?  Who knows?  One tends to acquire multiples aches and pains at my age, so the journey continues.    

It's time to breathe, ring my bell, and regain my inner peace.  All daily challenges are part of life.  There is never a time when life remains peaceful and calm all the time.  Change is always happening.  It can be annoying or challenging but you have to roll with it.

I need to be mindful of the moment which is currently peaceful.  

OM!!!!!!!!!!!!   

             

The Long And Winding Road

 

Last night I watched Peter Jackson's restored and cleaned up version of the Beatles original 1970 film "Let It Be".  When the film was released, I didn't care much for it and didn't think it was the Beatles best work.  The music from the film has grown on me over the years.  As I write these thoughts songs from "Let It Be" and "Abbey Road" play in the background.

It's been a long and winding road for the Beatles and me.

In 1964 I was a 12 year old boy glued to my parent's black and white television when the Beatles first appeared on the Ed Sullivan Show.  I was immediately a fan and I have remained one my entire life.  Despite my lengthy concert resume I never got to see the Beatles live.  In the early 2000's I did finally see Paul McCartney and his performance brought tears to my eyes.  

The Beatles were definitely the soundtrack of my teenage years and to be honest they have remained part of the soundtrack of my life even in my old age.  I never tire of them.  When John Lennon was killed, I cried.  I still miss George Harrison too.  As long as I am alive the Beatles will continue to live as well.

It's a beautiful day today.  It is Mother's Day in America.  My own mother passed away the week I retired.  She has been gone six years now.  I was her first child.  Five more siblings came after me.  My mother was a decent person, but we weren't very close.  Our relationship wasn't antagonistic or estranged but I just never really connected with her or my father either for that matter.  I never really knew what either one of them really thought of me or how I turned out.  In spite of this I tried to be a good son and I always showed them respect and honor.  In my old age, with my own awareness of my personal issues, I understand my parents had their own issues and trauma.  I assume they did they best they could just as I have tried to do with my own children.       

Later today I will gather with my own family for a meal and Mother's Day celebration.  We will also acknowledge my oldest son's 46th birthday.  My youngest son is 42.  It's sometimes difficult to accept that my children are now middle-aged adults.  Even my granddaughter is growing up at an alarming pace.  She will be 20 years old in a few months.  

Wherever you are in the world I hope you have a good day.  I hesitate to say "great" or "wonderful" because for millions of people even a "good" day seems like an impossible goal.  Sometimes it's enough to have a day that doesn't suck.  I am happy to just have days when nothing bad or annoying happens.

I want everyone to be reasonably happy, fed, safe, and content.        

My Second Cup Of Coffee

 

Yesterday I posted on Facebook that I felt the time was here for me to start writing again.  The response was positive and overwhelming.  I knew many people liked what I wrote in the past but it seems I didn't realize how much.  One friend suggested I discipline myself to write first thing in the morning while I am fresh and before the day demands my attention in other ways.  For example my wife has already told me I need to go outside and spray some weeds with weed killer.  I promised her I would do it just so she will quit bringing it up.  I hate yard work and always have.  Why?  I think it's because my father was an avid gardener and he loved it.  Unfortunately I was often forced to pull weeds, cut grass and perform other kinds of manual labor when I really wanted to ride my bike all over God's creation.    

It's Saturday morning and I am on my second cup of coffee.  I had a rough night so I am moving a little slow this morning.  It's cloudy, cool, and overcast at the moment.  The good news is that it should be sunny and warmer later in the day.  In the background music from the folk singer Donovan fills the room.  Donovan turned 78 years old yesterday.  My generation is now in their 70's and 80's.  I began listening to Donovan as a teenager.  I still love his songs and it makes me happy to listen to them.  

Another one of my friends suggested that I avoid complaining about growing old.  Growing older is a reality for all of us and we just have to deal with it.  The good news is that inside my 73 year old body a young boy still resides.  He moves a little slower and more carefully but he still dreams.  It is my goal to write without complaining.  I hope to focus on the positive, the humorous, and occasionally the absurd.  I am not a novelist.  My writing is mostly stream of consciousness.  Often when I sit down to write I have no idea what I am going to say.  At this moment I feel a little rusty and apprehensive.  I am also feeling a little bit of pressure.  Yesterday's overwhelmingly positive feedback and hopeful expectations make me wonder "What the hell was I thinking"?

I need another cup of coffee before I go outside and kill the weeds.  The chore is not really difficult.  I have spent more time bitching about it than it will take me to actually do it.  The young boy in me stills hates to be told what to do.  However, I dislike conflict so I will go outside and destroy every living plant that is growing where it shouldn't.

Happy Mother's Day to all of you who are mothers.  

Dipping My Toe Back Into The Water

 Greetings to anyone who is reading this blog for the first time as well as anyone who may have followed me in the past.  It's been a while since I have written on a regular basis and to be honest I miss doing it.  I began writing during my working days.  Most of what I wrote was intended for co-workers and friends using an ever growing email distribution list.  I originally created this blog in 2006.  Everything I have written from then till now is still available for anyone who wants to read reflections I wrote in the past.

Why do I want to start writing again?

I worked almost every day for approximately 50 years.  32 of those years were for the same company.  Most of these years were with the same people.  Many of us began working together when we were young and many of us stayed until we were old.  I finally retired in 2018.       

Retirement has been a mixed bag for me.  I believe retirement is overrated.  As I like to say, being retired is not the same thing as being on vacation.  Vacation is concentrated time when you have prepared to be carefree and adventurous.  It is also of a usually short duration.  Retirement for most people is normal daily life with many new and old challenges usually faced with a lot less money.  In the time I have been retired I feel as though I have aged significantly.  I also feel as though my life and my world became much smaller and less fulfilling.  I think like many people I didn't realize how important the work environment was to me.  Let me clarify that I do not miss the "work".  What I miss are the people and the social interactions I had with people.  I also miss the sense of purpose I felt and the many affirmations I received.  

In the time I have been retired I feel as though I've been withering on the vine.  I have felt lost with no sense of direction.  However, it hasn't been all bad.  I enjoy sleeping till 8:00 AM every day.  I love my leisurely mornings, afternoon naps, and occasional lunches with friends.  I love the freedom to do or not to do in most cases.  All of this is great for a day or a week or even a month but for years?  Let me also correct a misconception that many young people have about retirement.  Retirement doesn't make you wealthy.  Most people don't have the resources to travel the world extensively.  Life doesn't get cheaper for older people.  If you haven't spent your working years saving money for retirement you may not even be able to retire.           

 I want to write more but not to simply complain about life.  Life is always hard.  I can't really remember a time when life was easy.

My goal is to write regularly.  The contents will hopefully be positive observations and reflections about the more meaningful experiences of my life and life in general.

Wish me luck!  If you have been a fan of mine over the years, I sincerely appreciate your support.

Am I A Buddhist?

A few days ago a woman living in Australia wrote to me and asked if I was a Buddhist.  I have been thinking about her question.  Am I a Buddhist?  What is a Buddhist?  Is there a formal process for becoming a Buddhist or does an individual simply take up the practice by incorporating Buddhist thought and practice into their lives?  I have not gone through any formal process for being a Buddhist.  I have simply tried to live like one.

Oddly enough I first learned about Buddhism, Zen, and the Dalai Lama while living in a Catholic monastery.  Although we were not there at the same time, it was the same monastery where Thomas Merton lived for 27 years.  I have been blessed to see and hear the Dalai Lama twice in person.

Over the course of my life I have become more and more attracted to the Buddhist way of living.  I find the various teachings and philosophy very comfortable.

How do I live as a Buddhist?

Although I am not always successful I strive to always practice kindness.  The Dalai Lama himself once said "My religion is kindness".  I also strive to practice mindfulness.  What does that mean?  For me it means striving to be where I am and to do what I am doing.  As Ram Dass says, "Be here now".  In other words, be where you are and do what you are doing.  I have a personality that is often lost in day dreams.  I am a thinker who probably spends too much time in introspection and reflecting.  There's nothing wrong with either of these things but you shouldn't do them every minute of the day.  Even now as I write these thoughts I am struggling to stay focused on what I am doing.  To make it even more challenging I believe I have a touch of ADD.  Staying present and focused is challenging for me.  The writings and teachings of the Vietnamese Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh have been very helpful to me.  Along with striving to be kind and present, with mind and body in the same place at the same time, I strive to always be grateful.  Although I sometimes struggle with depression, I know I am very blessed and privileged to have the life I have.  

Whenever I can I also try to study "The Four Noble Truths" and the Buddha's "Eightfold Path".

I would like to quote from a small book called The Buddha Way.  

"To study the Buddha way is to study the self.  To forget the self is to be enlightened by all things.  To be enlightened by all things is to be freed from one's body and mind and those of others.  No trace of enlightenment remains and this traceless enlightenment is continued forever".

The Four Noble Truths are as follows....

1. The Truth of Suffering
2. The Truth of the Origen of Suffering
3. The Truth of Cessation
4. The Truth of the Path

Our suffering is basically caused by our longing and desire for things to be other than they are.  Most of us are not content and we want what we do not have and we want to be somewhere other than where we are.  We suffer because we are constantly longing for something we do not have and may never have.

Just my personal opinion but I believe that being spiritually enlightened is not the same time as being politically "woke".  

Finally, let me just share the Buddha's "Eightfold Path".

1. Right Understanding
2. Right Thought
3. Right Speech
4. Right Action
5. Right Livelihood
6. Right Effort
7. Right Mindfulness
8. Right Concentration

In a nutshell I think the "Eightfold Path" is telling us to understand reality as it is and to not believe everything we think.  Speak only good words and only do what your heart tells you is right.  Let your work be for a good cause.  Do no evil and cause no harm.  Give everything the effort it deserves and whatever it is you are doing, be there while you are doing it.  Let your mind and body be together in the same place at the same time.

Whatever your religion is, I think you can follow these teachings.  A Christian, Jew, or Muslim can live like this and still be faithful to their faith tradition.   

This is how I strive to live.  Am I a Buddhist?  I hope so..... 

Enjoying A Rainy Day

It's been raining all day.  I love to be home on rainy days.  Bob Dylan music plays in the background.  I am still celebrating Dylan's 80th birthday.  Earlier I did leave my house long enough to go to the bank and get a haircut.  The rain has cooled things down enough that I have opened a window.  The rain is slow and steady at the moment but occasionally we get a burst of intense rain.  

As I look at today's date I realize that I haven't written anything in almost two weeks.  I had hoped to write every day or at least a few times a week.  My excuse is an emptiness of things to write about.  Life for me is mostly quiet, solitary, and even a little boring.  What can I say about this that anyone would want to read?  In my opinion, nothing.

One recent highlight for me was a video chat with a friend living in Brussels, Belgium.  Many years ago when I first started this blog I wrote that "my words were like seeds thrown into the wind".  You never knew where they landed.  A stranger wrote to me that some of my "seeds" had landed in Cambridge, England.  We are now friends.  It was great to finally have a live, face to face conversation via our computers.  We talked for over an hour.  

As of yesterday my youngest son has been a priest for eight years.  His older brother recently turned 43 years old and yesterday he moved into a new home.  It is weird for me to acknowledge that I am now 70 years old.  It is even weirder to realize that my children are middle aged.  What happened to my little boys?    

It is not quite summer in my part of the world but we have already had daily temperatures in the low 90's.  When the heat and humidity become oppressive I remember that summer is my least favorite time of the year.  Doing anything on hot days is challenging for me.  Intense heat creates another kind of isolation for me.  If I am going to be homebound and isolated I would prefer to do it on a cold, wintry, snowy day.

I own enough music for ten lifetimes.  Since I spend most of my time at home I am trying to systemically listen to as much music as I can.  It makes me happy and I love doing it.  This week I have been focusing on Bob Dylan, Traffic, Steve Hillage of Gong, and the Steve Miller Band.  I am also distracted most days with music I see posted on Facebook or Twitter.  Today I am reminded of "Absolutely Free" which was my introduction to the music and genius of Frank Zappa.  Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young are also in play since it's the 50th anniversary of their masterpiece "Deju Vu".  The Grateful Dead, of course, are always in play.  I cannot imagine my life without music.  It is the air I breathe.

As far as the pandemic is concerned I am fully vaccinated.  Life is slowly loosening up and people are emerging from their bunkers to eat in restaurants and drink in bars.  Movie theaters are barely functioning and live music still struggles.

My goal is to return to a routine of walking.  I have gotten lazy about leaving the house.  It may be all in my mind but it does seem that since I received my Covid-19 vaccinations I have felt lethargic.  Please don't ask me for any energy because I have none to spare.

I hope whoever reads this is safe, happy, and well.    

A Day In My Life

It's a beautiful day in my part of the world.  Spring in Kentucky is a battle between a winter that doesn't want to leave and a spring that is ready to take root.  A few weeks ago we received two inches of snow.  Nights and early morning are still cool but today is gloriously sunny and warm.  I feel a little guilty because I am home and not walking in the park.  I've been having such an enjoyable morning at home that I haven't been able to make myself venture into the world.  My neighborhood is generally quiet and my inner hermit seeks to avoid contact with the busyness and stress of mingling with other people.  Camaldolese hermits each have a small house and garden where they spend their personal time when not gathered with other hermits for prayer.  Unlike the hermits I share a house with a wife.  However, I am fortunate to have a wife who is also an introvert like me.  Most of the day we are each in our own world.  We occasionally meet in the kitchen.  When the day ends we will spend more time together as we watch a movie or some other entertainment.  Getting back to the hermits, I have a small back yard that is surrounded by a six foot tall privacy fence.  Over time I have strived to simplify the yard and move out anything unnecessary in order to give it a Zen garden feel.  On days such as today I often walk in my backyard basking in the warmth of the sun.  In other words, it is very easy for me to stay at home and as much as I love the park I sometimes struggle to make myself leave my home in order to go there. 

Yesterday I did venture from my solitude.  I got up early, had a quick cup of coffee at home, and then met a friend for breakfast.  I don't see this friend as often as I would like.  She is a "snowbird" which means she spends the winter months in Florida in true retirement bliss.  When it gets too hot in Florida she comes back to Kentucky for the summer months.  I met my friend many years ago when we both began our careers.  She was the friend of another co-worker who happened to be in the same new employee training class as me.  We all meet and interact with many people over the course of our life's journey.  Certainly for me, and I hope for everyone, there are certain people with whom we feel a deep and sometimes unexplainable connection.  For whatever reason you just click with some people in a way that you don't with others.

I did have a really nice surprise at the restaurant where I met my friend.  I bumped into the priest that performed my marriage ceremony.  After I left the monastery many years ago I was offered a place to live until I figured out what I was going to do with my life.  I lived with three priests and I worked at a parish.  Ironically, not only did one of these priests perform my wedding, he ended up being a mentor for my son who is also a priest.  When we met he was 35 years old and I was a somewhat lost 22 year old.  He is now 83 years old and I am a youthful 70 year old.

Usually after spending time with anyone, no matter how much I like them, I am ready for a little alone time to recharge my battery.  Yesterday this time was delayed.  As I was driving home from breakfast my telephone rang and it was my oldest son.  He asked me if I could pick up my granddaughter and her friend and take them to his house.  I can never say no.  I picked them up at school and they immediately asked if we could go to McDonald's.  Of course I said yes.  As soon as we got to McDonald's Chloe's friend began screaming.  Apparently there was a spider in the back seat of my car and she has arachnophobia.  We survived the incident and I finally got them home.  Why are seventeen year old girls so loud?  I was in the driver's seat feeling like a chaffeur as they carried on with all their teenage "Princesses Of Sadness" woes.  Needless to say, I was happy to drive home alone and, yes, I did take a nap when I finally got there!  

When Nothing Much Is Happening

It has been a quiet few days.  On Saturday, while many local people were focused on the Kentucky Derby, I finally made it back to the park after what seemed like a very long time.  I enjoy walking in the park but I easily talk myself out of it or it's raining or I have other things to do or I am simply being lazy.

When I was walking in the park I could help but notice all the new life.  All the trees and bushes are in full bloom and there are baby ducks and geese everywhere.  Right after I took the pictures above one of the parents came after me.  I guess I was a little too close for their comfort.

On Saturday night I picked my granddaughter up after she finished working.  She has a part time job bagging groceries at a local supermarket.  Like most teenagers she sometimes complains about it but like most of us she loves the money.  Every time she spends the night we take a journey to Middle Earth.  This weekend we watched the second Hobbit film "The Desolation Of Smaug".

Finally, and probably of no interest to anyone, I have recently updated some of the personal technology I use.  After many years of using Android phones, I made the transition to an Apple iPhone.  The primary reason I did this was to consolidate the digital music I have on iTunes and Amazon music into one place.  Anyone who knows me even casually knows I am a music fanatic.  The updated iPhone also allows me to make maximum use of  blue tooth capabilities in my car, with my Bose ear buds, and now my Dr. Dre "beatspill+" portable speaker.  For many years I have been using a "Classic" iPod that is now 16 years old.  I lived in fear of it dying without notice. 

This post gives you a glimpse of how simple and boring my life really is at this time.  I'm sure a few of you can relate.  Maybe my next post will be a little more exciting.

Coffee With A Friend

Today is going to be a beautiful day but yesterday was another day of all day rain.  When I got out of bed, however, I received a text from an old friend and former co-worker that I haven't seen in over three years.  She asked me if I was available for a cup of coffee.  I quickly said yes and we agreed on a time and a place.  We had a lot of catching up to do.  We ended up talking for over two hours.  I think most of us have a friend or two that no matter how much time passes between visits it is though it's been no time at all when we finally see them.  A few years ago I met a friend for breakfast that I hadn't seen in over forty years.  She was my high school love and I dated her for a long time.  We quickly fell into a comfortable conversation.  We had a nice breakfast and then took a long walk across a walking bridge that connects Kentucky with Indiana.  Now we are best friends again.  

I love it when other people think of me.  Sometimes when you are retired from an active and busy life you can quickly feel forgotten.  I really love it when friends reach out to me for a coffee date, lunch, or just to see if I am doing okay.  As an introvert I am not very outgoing so my social life is very limited.  I don't like being with a lot of people.  In my working days I hated team lunches.  My preference was going out to lunch with one person.  I really enjoy a one on one interaction, especially with a person I feel a connection with or who shares some of my interests.  In most cases the one on one encounter allows you to have a deeper and more intimate interaction.  If you want me to die in front of you make me engage in small talk or "chit chat".  I absolutely loathe these types of social interaction.  Most people think I am a quiet person because in group settings I tend to say very little.  However, if I am with one, or maybe two, people that I really like and feel comfortable with I can be very extroverted and talkative.

If you miss someone, reach out to them.  It will probably make their day.  Unless, of course, they owe you money.

 

Sugar Mountain

 

It's been a quiet day at home. Outside my window is a gentle spring rain. It was coming down much harder just a little while ago. I love these ordinary days. In the background Neil Young sings the song whose lyrics are below. Today, at least metaphorically, I have been on Sugar Mountain. You can't be twenty on Sugar Mountain but you can be seventy.

I love when I can drink my coffee, listen to my music, look out my window and be lost in the moment. Don't tell anyone but I used to do this all the time in the office when I worked. Now, of course, my time is mine and doing this at home is now my job.

Oh, to live on Sugar Mountain

With the barkers and the colored balloons
You can't be twenty on Sugar Mountain
Though you're thinking that you're leaving there too soon
You're leaving there too soon
It's so noisy at the fair
But all your friends are there
And the candy floss you had
And your mother and your dad

Oh, to live on Sugar Mountain
With the barkers and the colored balloons
You can't be twenty on Sugar Mountain
Though you're thinking that you're leaving there too soon
You're leaving there too soon

There's a girl just down the aisle
Oh, to turn and see her smile
You can hear the words she wrote
As you read the hidden note

Oh, to live on Sugar Mountain
With the barkers and the colored balloons
You can't be twenty on Sugar Mountain
Though you're thinking that you're leaving there too soon
You're leaving there too soon

Now you're underneath the stairs
And you're givin' back some glares
To the people who you met
And it's your first cigarette
Oh, to live on Sugar Mountain
With the barkers and the colored balloons
You can't be twenty on Sugar Mountain
Though you're thinking that you're leaving there too soon
You're leaving there too soon

Now you say you're leavin' home
'Cause you want to be alone
Ain't it funny how you feel
When you're findin' out it's real

Oh, to live on Sugar Mountain
With the barkers and the colored balloons
You can't be twenty on Sugar Mountain
Though you're thinking that you're leaving there too soon
You're leaving there too soon

Re-Connecting While On The Run

My usual morning routine of leisurely drinking coffee with my wife, watching the news, and reading the newspaper didn't happen today.  Instead I had the unusual experience of having to wake up with an alarm clock so my wife could go to an early morning doctor appointment.  I actually like to get up early although I generally sleep in till about 9:00 AM.  I know that might sound late to those of you still in the workforce.  These days I tend to stay up late and then allow my body to wake up naturally.  I don't want to rub it in but it's one of the joys of retirement.  

We had a few errands to run this morning.  After the doctor appointment we stopped at a local McDonald's for coffee and a biscuit before heading to a local fruit market.  After getting what we needed, and dropping some of it off at our home, we headed out to visit son #2 with a gift of fresh fruit.  He thinks we come to his home to visit with him but we actually go there to visit with his two cats, Callie and Belle.  They have actually become quite attached to us.  Well, at least as attached as cats get attached to any humans.  Son #2, a.k.a Father Nick, is a Catholic priest and pastor of a parish in my hometown.  Callie and Belle are Zen Masters.

A very pleasant side effect of publishing some thoughts the last few days is that people from my past are contacting me as a result.  Some of them are people I actually know and some are strangers to me.  Since I began this blog I have made friends with a few people in other countries who I now consider dear friends.  Perhaps someday I might actually get to meet these friends face to face.  As a result of re-connecting with one friend and former co-worker I learned that another friend and former co-worker had retired.  This is someone I hadn't communicated with in quite a while so I texted them and congratulated them.  I was very happy to hear back from them.

My day...so far...ended with son # 1 and my granddaughter stopping by for a visit on their way home.  Their life is a frenzy right now with both working jobs, my granddaughter finishing up her junior year of high school, and both of them preparing to move from one home to another one.  Their new house will be about half the distance from my house as the old house.   

Today was what a retired person considers a busy day.  Sometimes I wonder how I lived my life when my wife and I both worked full time.  

Now I need a nap.

  

Waiting

My outdoor thermometer says that it is 80 degrees.  It certainly feels like it.  A little over a week ago we had two inches of snow in my neighborhood.  Such is life in Kentucky.

It's been sunny and warm all day.  My first impulse after having my morning coffee was to go to the park.  Before I got out of the house I remembered the Orkin guy was coming for my bi-monthly pest treatment.  A few years ago my wife saw a mouse in the house so I was given two options.  We either get Orkin service or put the house up for sale.  I went for the Orkin treatment.  I have not seen a mouse since but I am still here.  Apparently it doesn't work on all pests.  

I am still waiting for my guy to show up.  In his defense I was told he wouldn't be here until the late afternoon.  However, if I had gone to the park he would have called me while I was walking and told me he was on the way and would be here in five minutes.

I have been a little productive today with minor chores.  The microwave, downstairs bathroom, and upstairs bathtub are now clean or at least cleaner than they were yesterday.

Knowing that my Orkin guy was coming today made me feel like a hostage.  If he wasn't coming my day may have gone down exactly as it has anyway but I would have had the option to do something else if I had chosen.  Yes, I know it's a small thing but life is made up of small things, some of which make you crazy.

I am usually a very patient man and very good at waiting.  As a long time married man I have spent much of my life waiting for my wife to do whatever she is doing.  I have spent years on Mall benches or waiting in my car while she runs an errand.  Sometimes I even enjoy waiting.  I love to watch people and to turn up the volume on my music while my wife accomplishes her chores.  However, sometimes I am also very impatient and I suffer from the disease of "get out of the way and let me do it".  This is a disease very prevalent in perfectionists.  The only cure is to learn how to "let it go".  This has gotten somewhat easier as I have gotten older.  By the time you are 70 you have hopefully learned that most things are not that big of a deal.  I hate it when I get upset and start flailing.  I know how to breathe but my timing is sometimes off.  

All of our lives would be better and certainly more peaceful if we just learned to stop, breathe, and let it go.  We need to relax.  It's not always what happens to us and around us.  It's how we react to it. 

Living A Simple Life

 

When I first stopped working, retirement was a difficult transition.  After a lifetime of working full time it felt like being in a car when someone slams on the brake.  Everything seemed to come to a complete halt.  It was the middle of winter and overnight I suddenly had no where to go and nothing to do.  To make it more challenging I had all day to experience this.  However, that was then and this is now.

As I begin my fourth year of retirement I couldn't be happier.  I still have no where to go and not much to do but my attitude about this is significantly different.  Happiness in retirement is based on more than just not having to get up everyday at the crack of dawn, fight the morning commute, and deal with workday challenges.  To be honest there are aspects of working that I miss.  I miss the social interactions I used to have with co-workers and friends.  Many of my former co-workers were like family to me.  Some of them were long time employees like me and we began our careers together.  I miss the laughing and joking around and the many shared meals we had, especially on Fridays when the work week was ending and we were all ready for the weekend.  To be fair, I do not miss the work challenges like difficult people, technical problems, challenging leadership, and occasional boredom.

I know that being able to live a retired life is a gift that not everyone attains.  My long time employment with a significant company gave me the ability to prepare for retirement and to be able to live comfortably.  Trust me when I say that I am grateful every day.  Many times throughout my day I silently utter the works "Thank You" to God and the universe for giving me this gift.  

So far approximately 33% of my retirement has been spent in isolation due to the Covid-19 pandemic.  Even if I was motivated to seek a more active retirement, the pandemic would have prevented it.  The life I have sailed through in the last year is basically the kind of life I always wanted to live.  All I have ever wanted is a simple and quiet life.  I don't need to do it all or have it all.  Last week I watched the first installment of "The Hobbit" trilogy with my granddaughter.  I am basically Bilbo Baggins.  Leave me alone in my Hobbit house in the Shire with my music, books, solitude, and unlimited supply of good coffee and beer and I am content as anyone could be.  Yes, I realize that some of you are thinking how boring that sounds.  It isn't to me.  Perhaps there is a great adventure awaiting me but so far no Dwarfs or Wizards have knocked on my door.  To be honest I was never an over achiever.  Until I retired, however, I was always busy with the daily demands of living.  Admittedly, life still makes demands but not nearly as much.  Very early in my retirement a stranger at my doctor's office gave me some good advice.  He said, "Don't fill up your time.  It will fill up for you".  Even in retirement I sometimes feel busy.  Occasionally I wonder if people think I am always "on call" just because I am retired.

Cheers for the simple life!     

A New Beginning

 

I have now been retired for over three years and I also recently turned 70 years old.  During most of this time I have done very little.  Some of this I can blame on a world wide pandemic.  Fortunately my family and I have not been ill and as of this week all of us have been vaccinated.  Before the pandemic we were able to take a few vacations including a cruise to Mexico.  Most of the past year, however, has been spent at home.  As a serious introvert I have been practicing social distancing for my entire life.  With all due respect for the seriousness of the pandemic, staying home and avoiding other people has been the easiest thing I have ever done.  A bigger challenge for me will be reconnecting with the world.

Before I retired I tended to write almost daily for friends, family, and co-workers.  For the most part this blog is a collection of these writings.  At the time I was highly motivated with much on my mind that I though other people might like.  I had a lot of fans and followers.  Some of them have been wondering where I have been and what I have been doing.  I have written very little in the last three years.  My life is very simple now.  I have had virtually no contact with anyone except strangers that I encountered when I ventured out in public for groceries or other supplies.  My over active mind seemed to be on pause.  I also still have many friends who work full time and I doubted they wanted to read my daily thoughts on the joys of retirement.

Today quite out of the blue I visited this blog and realized how much I missed writing.  Perhaps my mind and spirit are experiencing an awakening on this rainy spring day.  I certainly have no excuse for not writing except laziness.  Admittedly, there is not a lot going on in my life to inspire me.  When I worked I had many experiences that often encouraged reflection.  Even my busyness and desire for the life I now have was a source of inspiration.  

I am hoping today's spark of enthusiasm is the beginning of a new phase of writing.  I make no promises but I am going to attempt to regain my discipline of writing every day.

If anyone actually reads this and wants to encourage me I would be very grateful.  70 year old retirees are not always full of enthusiasm or energy.

Stay well, breathe, and remain calm.  All will be well.

   

   

  

  

In The Court Of The Crimson King

This past Friday I went to Nashville, Tennessee to see the band King Crimson perform at the famous Ryman Auditorium.  The band is currently on a world tour for the 50th anniversary of their first album which was released in 1969 and they are one of my all-time favorite bands.  I was accompanied on the trip by my long time friend and rock and roll partner in crime, Tom Conley.  We first met when fooling around in 6th period study hall in 1967.  We have been in and out of trouble ever since.

We had a leisurely drive to Nashville which is approximately a three hour drive from where I live.  It was great to have time for some conversation and rock and roll as we drove through the countryside.  I use the term "countryside" because some sort of road issue caused my GPS to route us off the main interstate highway and down country roads where I have no memory of ever being before.

After checking into our hotel we eventually found our way to downtown Nashville.  Let me tell you this.  Downtown Nashville on a Friday night is a wild place.  There are honkytonk bars everywhere, a professional league football stadium, and a large arena.  The Ryman Auditorium is in the heart of it all.  It was originally built as a church and for many years was the home of the Grand Old Opry.  In terms of geographic location and musical history, it may be the last place I ever expected to see a Prog Rock band like King Crimson.   

King Crimson are no ordinary rock and roll band.  Their music is complex and the members of the band are all virtuosos on their instruments.  They have three drummers who are much more than simple keepers of the beat.  They have a bass player who has toured extensively with Peter Gabriel, another one of my favorite musicians.  In addition they have two guitar players including the phenomenal Robert Fripp, and finally a woodwind and flute player.  The level of musicianship was mind blowing.  I never thought I would hear and see most of these songs performed live and with such precision and clarity.  Seeing this manifestation of King Crimson was #1 on my musical bucket list.  I was not disappointed.  It was the best concert I have seen by anyone in quite a while.  I felt like I had died and gone to Heaven.

My long hair is long gone but I still have the tee shirt!  

Here is the set list for those that might like to know what I heard.

Set One 

1. The Hell Hounds Of Krim
2. Pictures Of A City
3. Suitable Grounds For The Blues
4. Cirkus
5. Red
6. Epitaph
7. Electrik
8. Moonchild
9. Radical Action II
10. Level Five   

Set Two 

1. Cat Food
2. Frame By Frame
3. Lark's Tongue's In Aspic Part IV
4. Islands
5. Easy Money
6. Indiscipline
7. In The Court Of The Crimson King
8. Starless
9. 21st Century Schizoid Man
   

Walking In The Park

I must admit that I haven't been to the park much lately.  Although today is the official beginning of Fall, it still feels like summer in my part of the world.  Today is overcast with a forecast of rain this afternoon.  It hasn't rained in weeks and this summer we've had a record number of days when the temperature exceeded 90 degrees.  Although it is in the 70's today, it will be back in the 90's by the end of the week.

Back to walking in the park...…

I haven't walked for exercise for a few weeks.  I blame the heat, a sense that every day has some task that needs to be accomplished, and, to be completely honest, some summer time laziness on my part.  As the weather cools, and winter looms on the horizon, I will become more energetic and I expect to make it to the park on a more regular basis.

Today, in a burst of spontaneous energy, I decided to take advantage of the relatively cool morning and walk in the park before the rains came.

While walking in the park I came upon a monolith that presumably was placed in the park thousands of years ago by space traveling aliens.

There is an obscure scripture passage that goes "God made man and rested.  God made woman and no one has rested since".  When I got home from my walk my wife immediately asked me to get some holiday decorations out of our storage shed.  This shed is a Pandora's Box of every Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter decoration that my wife has ever bought.  I hate the shed because it is stuffed to the rafters and you can't get anything out without taking everything out or so it seems.  Today, however, I decided to breathe and practice my Zen.  I groused a little but for the most part I did whatever my wife asked without a meltdown on my part.  When I completed the task, she made me lunch.  Bless her.....

The first week I was retired a stranger told me to "not fill up my time because it will fill up for me".  Truer words were never spoken.  I am 100% retired and I have no official employment but many days I feel busy and occasionally overwhelmed.

I am declaring the rest of the day as a holiday.  So let it be written, so let it be done!    

Where Did The Time Go?

This past weekend I attended my 50th high school reunion.  50 years!  Where did the time go?  It was great to see so many old friends, to renew some friendships, and to remember friends no longer on the journey of life.  The actual experience of high school is a mixed bag for many people.  Some hated it and never want to think about it again.  They graduated and became dust in the wind.  Overall I had a wonderful high school experience.  The only negative was not excelling on an academic level.  I found myself and discovered my gifts much later in life.  Some of my English teachers may be surprised to realize I actually learned to write and that I am pretty good at it. I enjoyed my friendships, including the girls I loved, and all the adventures I had with my particular gang of people.  My "gang" was primarily the kids trying to be hippies.  Of course, I also had many friends who were not hippies.  Some people from high school have never stopped being my friends.  Other people were long distance friends thanks to technology.  There are even some people I know better now than I did while we were actually in high school.

Over the years I have attended my 20th, 40th, and 50th reunions.  Recently a friend remarked to me that she went to her 10th reunion for an all girl school and she hated it.  Her impression was that the old clicks from high school were still the old clicks and that people were generally as awful as she remembered them.  My experience has been quite different.  I have found that almost everyone has mellowed over the years and no one was trying to impress anyone else.  I say this as a member of a class where many people became very successful in life by worldly standards.  This past weekend I found everyone to be genuinely personable, affectionate, and happy to see one another.  My class was very large and it was impossible to know everyone well.  Obviously I know some better than others.  I was feeling a lot of love this weekend, nor only from others, but for others.

As I looked around the informal gathering on Friday night, and the more formal dinner on Saturday night, I thought about all the journeys each of the people had traveled throughout life.  My classmates and I have walked many miles and in the words of Forest Gump "we've owned lots of shoes".  We have scattered all over the country and even the world.  Whatever level of success was achieved it was not without struggle.  Life is also not fair so some have experienced more struggle than others.  A significant number of classmates have passed away.  Some of them were quite young.  Others left us more recently.  Those of us who are left are survivors of life.  None of us are without scars.  We have all experienced loss, pain, and heartache.  Hopefully, we have also experienced joy, happiness, some level of success, love, and contentment.

Life is not about success or destination.  Life is about the journey.  We have made it this far and we can laugh and smile and enjoy our memories.  The journey is not over for us yet.  As the poet Robert Frost once wrote, "There are miles to go before we sleep".  Let us go forward in love and peace and joy.  My friends, "it ain't over until it's over".  Live long and prosper!       

Thinking Of El Paso And Dayton

Earlier today I was walking at my local mall while thinking of the recent mass shootings in El Paso and Dayton.  As I walked around I noticed all the diversity of the other people as they went about their business.  It occurred to me that any of them, as well as myself, could be victims of a mass shooting.  Everyone at the mall, including me, was just a regular person living their life as best they can.  I saw people laughing and shopping and eating and drinking.  Some, like me, were just trying to get some exercise.

It also occurred to me that all of us just want to be happy and live peaceful lives.  The average person is a good person and most of us have no problem with other people even if they don't look like us.  I have never found other people threatening nor have I ever thought I was better than anyone else simply because I am white.

I am getting old and I know I have more years behind me than in front of me.  My working days are behind me as well and all I want in life now is to live a simple and uncluttered life.  I want to live each day enjoying my music, reading my books, and watching my films. I want to enjoy the sunshine, feel the wind, and enjoy the smell of good food.  If I am tired I want to enjoy a good nap.  These are all simple things that make me happy.  I believe most other people, especially if they are older, also want some version of these things for themselves.

My life has not been without struggle.  A lot of things have not gone the way I would have preferred.  There were jobs and promotions I did not get.  A few women have broken my heart.  I am not as great or gifted as I would like to be.  However, in spite of life's disappointments, I am not angry.  I really don't expect everything to go my way.  Part of life is experiencing disappointment and loss.  Life is not fair.  I am still happy and content.

Recently I read a quote from Desmond Tutu that went, "We have got to stop pulling people out of the river.  Instead, we need to go upstream and figure out why they keep falling into the river".    

Why are there so many angry people and why are so many of them young, white men?  I am an old white man now but I was once a young white man.  I never felt left behind or cheated.  I have gotten everything in life I deserve.  Most of it I have worked for and some of it was given to me through the generosity of others.  I never cheated in life and I never had any sense of entitlement.  I quickly learned that if I wanted anything in life I would have to work for it.

I have never been in competition with anyone.  I want us all to win.  I want everyone to be happy.  Why is it so difficult for some people to allow other people the same dreams?  Who doesn't want a happy and peaceful life that is relatively free of suffering?

We are all the same.  The blood that was spilled in El Paso and Dayton was all red.  Everyone who died had someone who loved them.

"All I am saying is give peace a chance"!
-John Lennon