Thursday, April 30, 2009
What Is The Best Of Each Day?
Nothing is meant to be, There is no predestination.
Let me quote from the commentary for today's Tao thought.
Those who follow Tao endeavor to have as few restrictions placed on them as possible. By completing each action, they minimize causality. By living fully in the present, they absorb the best of what each day has to offer. By understanding there is no literal destiny, fate, or predestination, they keep the future as free and open as possible. That is truly the openness of life.
For the average person living an ordinary life, this openness of life can seem beyond their grasp. Many people, and I am one of them, often feel trapped in the demands and obligations of life as well as the expectations of others. This is a recurring theme in my life. Beyond the feeling of being trapped, the routines and sameness of most days feels anything but free and open. As I get older I feel a greater sense of urgency about the quality of my life. I am not talking about material comfort. I have enough stuff and I am content with this aspect of my life. I am less content with the emotional side of my life. To many my life may appear peaceful and calm on the surface. Inside, however, I am often in turmoil. What does "living fully in the present" have to say about that? I'm not sure I know the answer to that. The practice of mindfulness may give me a greater appreciation for the moment but it also sometimes causes me to be even more lost within myself. This wandering within myself makes me wonder, "What am I looking for? What am I chasing? What am I running away from? What is it I expect from life"? Happiness must be based on something more than the fact that nothing terrible is happening. Sometimes I hear people say things like, "Nothing good is really happening but nothing bad is happening either" or "Life is very boring but that's a good thing because it means nothing bad is happening". I don't want to feel good about life simply because nothing bad is happening. There's no joy in that. A good day has to offer more than the absence of the worst each day could bring.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
All Life Is Spiritual
-Pema Chodron
The idea of living a spiritual life is full of notions about what that might mean and how it is supposed to look. I am currently trying to live a spiritual life that overcomes many years of Catholic guilt as well as other people's ideas about what a spiritual life is. I wish I could talk about it without even using the term "spiritual life". For me the spiritual path is an unmarked trail into the unknown. It's debatable whether or not the path I am on is even spiritual. My experience tells me that what often feels spiritual is perhaps not spiritual at all while that which seems unspiritual may be the most spiritual of all. One of my goals is to eliminate the whole question of what's spiritual and what is not spiritual. My goal is to simply live and evolve into a more authentic person. I find that much about religion is an obstacle to attaining this goal. Religion has too many expectations, too many rules, to say nothing about being judgmental and exclusive. Although I do not live a monastic life, I like the archetype of the wandering monk. I am not talking about the kind of wandering monk criticized by St. Benedict in his Rule for Monasteries. I am thinking more about a kind of "monk" who has no roots in this world. Something that is perhaps closer to a Brahmin in the Buddhist tradition. This kind of "monk" is someone like myself who is open to where life takes him and who tries to see all the experiences of life as lessons from which to learn. In addition to an openness to what life can teach you, there is also an openness to the transcendent and the extraordinary that can be found in the ordinary events and moments of daily life. It's almost a return to the primeval experience of the "Other" before religion took over spirituality. Does this make sense to anyone but me?
Speaking of the spiritual life....check this out. http://vimeo.com/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=2539741
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Poem From A Friend
The Beckoning
after a poem by Hafiz
Every three-year old knows full well what it feels like to be alive
Not a life frozen solid into a role
Not a life twisted in knots by all the rules
Not a life that holds its breath waiting, waiting for the next shoe to drop
But the Life brimming with passion,energy and warmth
The Life that is constantly beckoning each and every one of us with this simple plea
Come dance with me. Come dance with me. Come dance.
-by Joe Zarantenello
Making A Difference
Monday, April 27, 2009
The INFP Experience
Yesterday I more or less wrote that most of the joy in my life doesn't involve people. What does this mean? I know I am an introvert but am I also a failure in relationships? I really have no one that I consider a best friend. There is really no one that knows everything about me. It's not that I have anything to hide. There are no skeletons in my closet. I just mean that there is no one with whom I am close enough or trusting enough to be completely honest about everything I think or feel. When I have a bad day there is no one I call. On a good day I am a withdrawn and solitary person. On a bad day I just withdraw even more. I have the true INFP experience as described in most Myers-Briggs documentation. What is the INFP experience? Here's one brief description.
Life as an INFP (Introvert, Intuitive, Feeler, Perceiver) People of this type tend to be: quiet, reserved, and kind; deeply passionate, sensitive, and easily hurt; loving and dedicated to those close to them; creative, original, and imaginative; curious and flexible in small matters; nonconforming. The most important thing to INFPs is their deeply held beliefs and living in harmony with their values.
I think I do feel different than most people. I rarely meet someone who is temperamentally like me. I often feel that no one really understands me and I don't really know what to do about it. My love of solitude is really more of an escape. When I am alone I can avoid my issues and not have to deal with anyone. Last night it occurred to me that I need to find something outside of myself in which to spend what limited energy I have. I am too self absorbed and this usually causes me to feel sad or depressed. The question is "What can I do or what should I do"? One thing is for sure. I need a vacation from myself.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
What Gives Me Joy
Another huge source of joy in my life is music. Nothing, including people, has given me as many hours and moments of pure joy as music. It doesn't matter if I am alone, with a few close friends, or with thousands of strangers. Music has always been my best friend. I can't even imagine the joy it would bring me if I was also a musician.
The monastery is another source of joy for me although its joyfulness has diminished over the years because of my increased dealings with people within the context of the monastery. For many years it was my place of refuge and now, more often than not, I am there to participate in some type of group activity. Too often now it is work and no longer rest. Still, I am a lover of the place and it is one of the anchors of my life.
Solitude is also a source of joy for me. I am never unhappy when I am alone. Although I am generally kind and friendly with others, there are very few people who's company I truly enjoy. If I am honest, and I always try to be, I find that other people are best enjoyed in limited and small doses. It is the rare person who doesn't wear me out eventually. It sometimes bothers me that I find other people difficult to be around. I wish I was more outgoing and extroverted but I am not. I am who I am.
Books have also been a major source of joy for me. As the musician Robert Fripp once said, "Me and a book is a party. Me and a book and a cup of coffee is an orgy." I have been a bookworm since my childhood. I have owned and read hundreds, maybe thousands, of books in my life. I get totally lost in them and will take a book over television anyday.
Writing is also a source of joy for me, especially when others like what I write. However, I don't depend on other's approval, support, or feedback because I get very little of any of this. I primarily write for myself. It supports my own mental health although I am not sure it heals me of anything. It is a partial release of my thoughts and feelings. Complete honesty is simply not possible. Those thoughts and feelings are known only to me.
Finally, a beautiful day like today fills me with joy. My moods are affected by weather. A long string of overcast, cold, rainy days can make me feel depressed. A day like today with its blue skies, clouds, and sunshine can fill me with joy and enthusiasm for life.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Becoming Light
In tomorrow's reading from the Tao we are told "Sun shines in the middle of the sky. All things turn their faces towards the light".
In our solar system the sun is the center of our universe. The earth and other planets orbit around it. However, for beings or planets in another galaxy our sun is nothing more than a distant star. Our sun is not the center of their universe. I often talk about "living in the center" or being "pulled away from your center". What is the "center"? It depends on where you are. My center is someone else's distant star. For me, my center is that place within me where I am most in touch with my reality. My center is the ground of my being. It is my essence, my true self, and the person I am behind the masks and self defenses. None of us are who we appear to be. Just like the planets, sometimes we are in the light and sometimes we are in darkness. It all depends on where we are in relation to our sun and our center. Each day when we begin to see the sunrise and to feel its warmth, we turn our faces towards the light. Just like when the light of the sun reveals everything around us, being in our center reveals everything that we are. When we are who we really are, living in the center and revealing our true self, we become light.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Is Sleep Time Travel?
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Withdrawing Into The Tao
I don't have much on my mind today so lets turn to the Tao for some inspiration.
Activity is essential but exhausting, it's importance is only on the surface. Withdraw into Tao at the end of the day. Returning is renewal.
My favorite times of the day are early morning and the early evening. I actually like late night, too, but I am often too tired to enjoy it plus late night is quickly followed by early morning. That's not too bad on a weekend but it's tough on a workday. Although I have proclaimed many times that I hate getting out of bed, I very much enjoy the 20 minutes or so that I sit in silence with my morning coffee before leaving my home for work. I am awake and present to the moment. It is the most peaceful time of my day. Once I leave home I am quickly pulled into the speed of the morning commute and the busyness of the workday. On a typical workday I have many tasks as well as the demands of managing a group of people. Even on the most pleasant days I am weary by the end of the day when I begin the process of "withdrawing into Tao". After picking up my wife at her office and surviving the evening commute, I yearn for solitude and the comfort of my chair. Each night I feel I have gone around the full circle of my day. Although I am weary, returning to where my day began is the beginning of renewal. As the evening progresses and my body and mind unwind, I can almost feel the inner healing. Tranquility returns and I am at peace. Of course, even though the middle part of my day is usually busy and demanding, if not frantic, I try to carry the Tao with me always. In the midst of activity I strive to maintain some sense of being in the eye of a hurricane.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Being Who We Are
Self knowledge is a double edged sword. I have a friend at work that I rarely see. We IM and email one another and occasionally we talk on the phone. Before we actually met she received my old email version of daily thoughts and she liked them very much. She would sometimes write back and tell me that she had many of the same thoughts as me. It seemed that we were very much alike even though she is a woman and I am a man, to say nothing of the fact that I am quite a bit older. A few months ago someone suggested I join Facebook. It's a little addictive but it also has some fun elements to it. I'm not sure where they originate but Facebook offers many fun and interesting personality tests. As someone who is nearly obsessed with acquiring self knowledge and understanding, I take several of these tests every week and always find them enlightening. The amazing thing about these seemingly silly little tests is how accurate they often are in their assessment of me and others. The friend I mention above has also taken some of these tests. In her last note to me she said, "I thought we were very much alike but these tests seem to suggest otherwise". Unaided by science, I don't know if anyone is a clone of anyone else. Each person has so many subtleties and nuances. However, I think many people, including my friend, often share many similarities and that is why they feel a connection with other people. With this particular friend I sensed a connection just after a few business related conversations on the telephone. My own Facebook test results are not 100% accurate but they are very true, not necessarily of the actual life I live, but very often of the life that maybe I should be living. I think it is not uncommon to sometimes feel you are in the wrong life and that you are often forced to live a life that requires you to compromise who you really are. I didn't begin to find myself or understand my self on a deep level until I was in my 40's. By that time much of my life seemed planted in concrete. My new found self knowledge in many ways became a source of frustration rather than freedom. It seemed to explain some of my unhappiness but was also sometimes difficult to apply to the life I actually had. So what do you do? Some people suggest that you should follow your heart and live the life you were meant to live no matter what. Their belief is that our individual lives are more important than the lives of others. However, I think it is reckless and a little selfish to live like this. I may not be in the most optimal situation to be completely and fully who I am but it's where life has planted me at this moment. I cannot abandon or disregard the commitments and relationships that I have made and formed. I think there is some truth to the saying "Bloom where you are planted". Life is a mystery. Just because I am here now and the soil doesn't always feel right doesn't mean I will be here always. Someday life may transplant me to a new place where the soil, sunlight, and rainfall are exactly perfect for me. Then again, maybe it won't. That's part of the mystery of life.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
A Rainy Sunday Afternoon
I'm going to enjoy the rest of this rainy afternon in my chair with a good book and a short nap...maybe at the same time.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Does Anyone Need A Hug?
Friday, April 17, 2009
The Weekend Is Here!
It promises to be a great weekend. Tomorrow I will rise early from my bed and meet my good friend, Father Dennis, for breakfast, I haven't seen him for about six weeks so we have lots to catch up on. After breakfast I will continue my travels to the monastery for a gathering of friends. I am part of two discussion groups that give me excuses...not that I need any...to go to the monastery twice a month. After what I know will be a pleasant morning I will make the return trip home where I will be greeted at the front door by my granddaughter who is the new Queen of Trampolines. My mood is noticeably lighter and I feel good today. This is further proof to me that moods are like the weather. Some days are bright, sunny, and pleasant while other days storm clouds gather. You may then experience a few days of overcast skies and chilly winds. All you can do is dress appropriately or seek shelter as needed. If you are patient, and even if you are not, the storm will pass and a new day will dawn. You can't really avoid the storms of life but you can be prepared for them and when they arrive just hunker down until they move on.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Joy In Action
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Redemption
-lyrics from "Scarlet Begonias" by the Grateful Dead
Everyone knows I love music, especially rock and roll. Over the years I have read many books, usually biographies, about my favorite musicians. Last night, while reading the biography of Pete Townshend, it occurred to me how many of these music biographies are another form of spiritual reading. I say this because many of them seem to have the same pattern. Many of these rock stars had difficult or poor childhoods. They felt a calling within them to pursue their musical muse. More often than not they achieved great wealth and fame. Sooner or later it comes crashing down in a multitude of ways, i.e., drug addiction or alcoholism, financial problems, the breakdown of relationships, etc. The wonderful life they had achieved becomes a dark night of the soul. The lucky ones survive this and find redemption. They clean up their act with the help of rehab and therapy. They stabilize and rethink their financial lives. They mend broken relationships. They rediscover old beliefs or find something new to believe in that is bigger than themselves. They find a new direction in their lives that often transforms their artistic expression. Most of us go through similar patterns even if our lives are not so public or dramatic and we are not artists. The whole process is the transformation that we all must go through in order to move beyond the false self. Even rock stars, whether they realize it or not, are eventually forced to look in the mirror and see the truth of their own illusions. Some people are put through the transformation of their lives without desiring it and often without their cooperation. Other's pursue such a transformation and may be unhappy with their progress. One way or another the rough stones of our lives will be made smooth by the flowing waters of life. It is a slow process and on a day to day basis we may not notice the transformation. Like the effects of flowing water over rough stones for a long period of time, life will transform us and hopefully a spiritual awakening will be the result.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
One's Emptiness Is Another's Fullness
Monday, April 13, 2009
Empty Glass
Desire for nothing except desirelessness, hope for nothing except to rise above all hopes, want nothing and you will have everything.
Anyone who follows any kind of spiritual path or teaching is looking for something. In many cases people are searching for something/anything that will fill their emptiness. Many people, at least in my country and culture, are overwhelmed with possessions, worries, and cares. In spite of their material abundance, they also feel a great emptiness. Filled with abundance, they often crave more. Some, seemingly satisfied, wonder "Is this all there is"? There is an emptiness accompanied by a deep desire to have their emptiness filled. This emptiness often manifests itself as boredom, loneliness, or a restless anxiety. We secretly pray and hope that the feeling of emptiness will just go away. It won't on its own. In the Townshend biography he goes on to explain that he finally learned that his empty glass could not be filled with God because it was so full of himself. In order to be filled with God, he had to empty the glass of his own worries, cares, addictions and self. Of course, any student of the spiritual life understands the challenge and difficulty of this self emptying. It is very difficult to get out of your own way. I was talking with my sister on Easter Sunday. We both shared how much we enjoy our solitude. I shared that although I enjoy my own company, I also get on my own nerves and that sometimes I really needed a vacation from myself. Sometimes I lose my way on the spiritual path and become obsessed with my own feelings of emptiness. I get lost in my own void. This preoccupation prevents any real self emptying which in turn prevents any real openness to being filled by God. Part of my darkness at the moment is finding myself grappling with such basic questions as "Who or what is God"? The simple faith and answers of my youth seem empty at the moment. Of course, this "breakdown" of my faith may in fact be a "breakthrough". Perhaps I also want too much and that is the reason I often feel like I have nothing.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Monastic Reunion
Thursday, April 09, 2009
Tempus Fugit
Why do short work weeks seem eight days long? Every morning this week, when the alarm goes off, I look at my clock and think, "Are you kidding me? Is it really time to get up AGAIN"?
Yesterday at work I attended a workshop on a book and process we use at work called StrengthFinders. Prior to the workshop we had to read the book and take a test that identifies our strengths as a person. The test reveals your top five strengths. The idea is that we will be come a strength based organization. In previous years we often focused on a person's weaknesses as "opportunities for growth". That might be true but your strengths come naturally and will always be your strengths. Your weaknesses will always be your weaknesses and they will never be your strengths. The opportunity for real growth is to fine tune your strengths. A strength is a combination of talent, knowledge, and skill. Here are my top five strengths in order and what they mean. These are not a surprise to me.
Empathy I can sense the feelings of others. I walk in their shoes but I am not always sympathetic. I have emotional radar and may be emotionally expressive.
Intellection I am intellectually active and introspective. I need time and space to think.
Connectedness I have faith in the links between all things. I believe there are few coincidences. Everything has a reason behind it. I have a global and holistic view of life. I focus on the sum rather than the parts.
Developer I recognize and cultivate the potential in others.
Communication I find it easy to put thoughts into words. I am a good conversationalist and presenter.
It is difficult for me to be passionate about most work stuff but I can be passionate about StrengthFinders. Much of my life has been a quest for self knowledge as well as an understanding of others. StrengthFinder's builds on previous knowledge I have gained from such things as the Myers-Briggs and the Enneagram. It all connects for me. StrengthFinders even has a spiritual element because it reveals your "true self" which is a goal of the spiritual life because your "true self" is who you really are in God. If everyone is faithful to their best and true self, the CASTLE principles, i.e., courage, authenticity, service, truthfulness, love, and effectiveness should come easily. Together they can be a really powerful combination that can truly transform an organization. This transformation cannot happen when the face that people bring to work is the face of the "false self" or the ego.
Today, while I was sitting in my parked car waiting for my wife, a bird egg dropped out of the sky and splattered all over the hood of my car. There was not a tree in sight. Did a mother bird simply drop it accidentally from her claws or was this one unexpected birth and the mother didn't get to a nest in time?
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
Thoughts For A Cold And Dreary Day
You seem meek, but you are more stubborn than a mule.
My friend is correct. I can seem meek to some because I am easy going. I have a reputation for being laid back. The reality, however, is that I can be very stubborn. I think this might be a Myers-Briggs INFP trait. I read once that INFP's are rather compliant until you push them in a direction they really do not want to go. This usually has to do with values. I am also an Enneagram type Nine. One of the traits of this type is to take the path of least resistance. I think there is a lot of psychological tension in my life because of stuff like this. I am stubborn and easy at the same time. I am rebellious and righteous at the same time. I am the white knight and the dark knight rolled into one. I am basically good but want to be bad. There are areas of my life where I am not very happy. There are areas where I am frustrated. As a certified cave dweller, one who prefers solitude, my standard office procedure when I am not happy is to withdraw into my solitude and basically tell the world to leave me alone. One of my primary coping mechanisms is to simply wait things out. Sometimes this is me being stubborn. Other times this is me being passive aggressive. I'm not proud of it.
I had another conversation with a co-worker and peer about our annual performance evaluations which are currently taking place. I generally don't rate myself high. Yes, I do think there are things I do well and overall I am a very good employee. However, I am not a role model for what I do. I have my strengths but I also have many weaknesses. In general, I think I am overrated as a person. I am not being humble. I am opinionated and judgmental. There is little that generates enthusiasm in me. Much of the time I am simply going through the motions in my work and many of my relationships. At the moment I am feeling spiritually empty and uninspiring. I do not like to be a downer but I also strive to be honest about how I am feeling. I am no one's role model. If people are impressed with me I think it is because I genuinely try to be kind and I strive to speak and write with honesty. Other than that I am not all that inspiring. Most of my life is a struggle for me. My biggest fears are that I really am overrated, that I am a fraud on multiple levels, and that I am valued no more than a piece of furniture in most people's lives.
After all these negative feelings, my day ended with a smile when I unexpectedly had to pick up my granddaughter at her daycare. She is sunshine on a cloudy day.
There And Back Again
Thursday, April 02, 2009
Trip To The Mountains
The last five months have been difficult. I spent a week in the hospital and my wife and I lost two parents. Along with these major events there's the daily struggle just to live an authentic life. There is rarely a moment when I do not struggle with some personal issue and many around me, whether they be family, friends, or co-workers, struggle with their own issues and sometimes these issues demand my involvement. Since I am nothing more than a mere mortal, there are days I simply want to scream. Typically, I don't actually scream but eventually I feel the need to get away for a few days whether it is a trip to the mountains or a weekend at the monastery. The luxury of an extended sabbatical alone in a peaceful place is unlikely so I must content myself with whatever opportunities are available. The opportunity of the moment is a long weekend a few hundred miles south of home.
Why is it that so many of us, including me, when we walk out of work to begin a period of time off feel like we have just been paroled from prison or just been granted shore leave after an extended time of duty on a battle cruiser? There's a tremendous sense of freedom when the shackles are loosened for a few days and one can slip away.