Clueless About Parenthood

Yesterday after my work day ended, I picked up my wife at her office and we headed to my granddaughter's daycare. I was looking forward to dinner with Chloe at McDonald's, her favorite restaurant. After picking her up she told me a story about how her dog pooped in her bedroom and that her mother was very mad at the dog. After dinner we took her home. When I arrived at my son's house, he and some friends were practicing the manly art of stump removal. I'm glad he didn't ask for my help. He is deep into a landscape renovation. Before I left to go home, I had to walk Chloe around on my shoulders and chase her around the house. "Do it one more time, Pa Paw"! I'm not sure how many times I did it before I was seeing stars and felt like I was having a heart attack. "Tickle me, Pa Paw"! "Let me climb on the stairs and jump. Will you catch me, Pa Paw"? "Chloe, Pa Paw is old. I need to sit down a minute". Whew! This little girl wears me out but I love being with her.

If you're in the mood to purchase a smoking blues CD, buy the new CD by Buddy Guy. It's called "Skin Deep". Eric Clapton, who is no slouch on the guitar, considers Buddy Guy the "greatest living guitar player". I have seen Buddy perform many times. At the last concert I attended I walked up to the stage and he gave me one of his guitar picks. It is now a treasured music artifact and has a place of honor in my music room. Are you impressed that I am still out there rocking and rolling at age 57? Buddy Guy is in his 70's and he plays the guitar with the energy of a 25 year old. Long live the blues!

When I decided to get married at the tender young age of 23 way back in 1974, I thought marriage would be like dating. If two or three hours with my wife to be on a date was so enjoyable, how much more so would it be to spend 24 hours a day together! I don't need to tell any of you who are married or living with another person how naive this was. Marriage is not that simple. If I was naive about marriage, I was even more clueless about parenthood. Although I grew up with a Mom and a Dad and five brothers and sisters, I had no idea about the demands of parenthood until I became a parent myself. When my sons were babies and young boys, the demands were great but once you got into a routine, it wasn't so bad. All my wife and I had for guidance were our parents and a paperback copy of Dr Spock's book of parenting. I was blessed to have a spouse to share the responsibilities with and we had no major issues until my oldest son reached puberty and the teen age years. In the spirit of kindness and forgiveness, let's just say he was a challenging young man. Neither of my children are perfect and they are also very different from one another. The good news is that both of them have turned out very good in spite of many mistakes made on my part as a parent. In spite of my own personal weaknesses and mistakes, I have tried to be a positive role model. I have tried to be faithful to my own values and to live with a moral consciousness. They did not always agree with me and I am sure there were times I was considered a clueless old man. I tried to always do and say the right thing, expressing my beliefs and opinions, while trying to instill in them a sense of right and wrong. All of this is a preface to the main idea I want to put out today. If you want your children to turn out to be decent human beings, stick to your values and be a positive and moral example to them. Later in life they will forgive your mistakes if you remained true to what you believe and practice. Most parents try to make up for whatever weaknesses they believed their own parents had. Unfortunately, your own weaknesses will eventually appear and you will make different mistakes. Your children may never actually tell you what they admire about you or what a positive influence you were. However, their lives will say volumes. My older son was a challenge in his youth. Now he's a good husband and father. His brother wasn't a lot of trouble but he had his own issues. I like to believe that the kind of father I was has positively influenced the kind of father my oldest son is to Chloe. I also hope my spiritual nature has had some influence on my youngest son's desire to be a priest. All in all, I've been blessed and all the challenges and demands of parenthood have been worth all the effort and struggle. The seeds you plant early in their lives will blossom later. Then, as an older parent, you can sit back and enjoy their maturity and coming of age.

Ego And Self Esteem

Yesterday I received two emails from readers of my thoughts. One asked me what the difference is between "ego" and "self esteem". The other thanked me for my thoughts about fear. He found them helpful in his struggles with anxiety. I would like to share a few thoughts in response to both of these emails.

Ego often gets a bad rap. Some spiritual practices seem designed to kill the ego. Ego is what motivates us. Whether it motivates us in the right direction is another question. Ego can be the fuel that propels the engine of our being. I'm not sure we can survive without our egos. Of course some teach that the ego represents our false self and that our true self is who we are without ego. In a sense, the pure man or woman is someone without ego. The ego that really deserves a bad rap in my opinion is the ego that is out of control. People with big egos generally do not suffer from low self esteem. They are full of themselves. Self esteem is how we feel about ourselves. I'm sure you know someone, or maybe you are someone, who is either full of themselves or they are always down on themselves. Some people think they are God's gift to all of us. Others feel they have no value. A psychologically healthy person has enough ego and self esteem to meet the challenges of daily life while also maintaining a humble and realistic view of themselves. They don't pump themselves up but they aren't in denial of their value and gifts either. The true spiritual life, among other things, strives to maintain a healthy balance of the ego, self esteem, and humility.

Yesterday I wrote about fear. A close cousin of fear is anxiety. I think it is poignant that in the Catholic mass there is a prayer that says "Free us, O Lord, from all anxiety". In general, I am not a person who lives in fear or suffers from anxiety. There are situations, however, that sometimes give me minor panic attacks. Even when I know intellectually that there's probably nothing to fear, I might experience some physical symptoms of panic, i.e., hot flashes, increased heart rate, shortness of breath, etc. Ongoing anxiety can develop as the result of a really bad experience that frightened you, perhaps from a childhood trauma that has been repressed, or we can even inherit anxiety and other phobias from our families. Anxiety in a broad sense can also be the tendency to worry, worry, worry about everything. In my mind, fear is different than anxiety. Although I have concerns about life in general, and my life in particular, I seldom worry. My poor wife, however, worries herself to death. I don't think she is capable of not worrying. We can't worry so much about life that we fail to live. I hesitate to say it's a gender trait but it does seem to me that women worry more than men. Being anxious or nervous all the time is no way to live. If you do feel this way I would consult with your physician. It may also be prudent to seek therapy and explore why you feel this way. We are meant to be happy. We will always have challenges as part of life but the day to day demands of living should not overwhelm us on a regular basis. Yesterday I was able to have lunch with a friend who is a chaplain at the local VA hospital. I had never been there before. We sat outside and ate our lunch until the rain forced us in. While there I also met a Franciscan priest who was also the friend of another friend. The three of us engaged in some wonderful conversation that could have gone on for hours. However, it was a workday and I needed to get back to the office. The lunch was planned but the conversation was an unexpected delight. Sometimes the serendipity of life surprises us with joy. I am missing my granddaughter so I'm going to pick her up at the day care today and take her out to dinner. Any day I get to see Chloe is a good day.

Living Without Fear

It is always possible for life to go south or turn sour. Occasionally, it actually does. In spite of this potential we cannot live lives paralyzed by fear. Sadly, we live in a culture that is often overwhelmed with fear. The news media and our leaders are often major proponents of this fear. Certainly there are times in life when fear is justified and real. The truth, however, is that most of our fears are in our heads and never actually happen to us. Most of us will go through life without being robbed, mugged, or murdered. Our homes won't burn down. We won't die in an airplane crash or be kidnapped. Even though a meteor may have destroyed the dinosaurs, the chances are pretty slim that another one will hit the earth in our lifetime. Most of us will live quiet lives that will be a blend of happiness and joy, sadness and pain. There have been many occasions of happiness and joy in my life. I have shared many of them with you in these thoughts. As I sit here I am trying to recall any terrible things that have happened to me. I'm struggling to come up with much of major significance that has been life altering. When I was young a few girls broke my heart. I got fired from one job. In my thirties I had a health crisis that resulted in some major surgery. In my forties I was nearly killed in a car wreck. In my fifties I was diagnosed with some new health issues that might kill me someday. Looking back, I guess there hasn't been too many bad things that have happened to me. Overwhelmingly, my life has been free of calamity and other terrible happenings. Many of life's challenges are nothing more than life's inconveniences and annoyances. One of my life goals is to not live in fear. When I wake up in the morning I don't worry about all the misfortune that could happen to me. Way back in 1978, when Pope John Paul II became pope, the first words he said to the world were "Do not be afraid"! Today I say these words to you. Do not be afraid and do not let your lives be filled with fear. Yes, there is evil and pain in the world but life and people are essentially good. Live lives of hope and optimism. Believe in the power of faith and love. Living without fear does not mean we are always courageous. Being courageous simply means facing your fear and not letting it dominate you. Courageous people have fears but they ignore them. President Franklin Roosevelt, in his first inaugural address said to the American people, "We have nothing to fear but fear itself". He was a wise man and his words are true. Do you want freedom in your life? If so, cast off your fear and live. If you are a person who creates or puts fear into other people's lives, stop it! Find something better to do with your time. Fear is a poor motivator whether it be in the workplace or the home.

Compassion Fatigue

I am truly humbled by the trust that people have in me. It is not unusual for individuals to email me or even come see me about issues in their personal or professional lives. They often ask for my opinion. It is always with a little fear and lots of faith that I respond to them. I am not a professional anything. I can only hope that whatever words I write or speak to them are the words of comfort or encouragement they need or, at the very least, an objective view of the situation as it's presented to me. I am not sure why people trust me so much or why my words are valued by them. It is always with some trepidation that I write or speak at all. Of course, it's not important that I see in myself what others see in me. At the same time I am not unaware of people's attitude about me. I believe all of us has some kind of gift. Words, whether they are spoken or written, seem to be my gift. Everyone knows I love musicians. My next door neighbor is a musician. Once after talking about music he said, "Wow! You must be a frustrated musician"! I know what he meant. Often when people love something, they are frustrated they can't do it themselves. That's how I am with music. Some musicians become skilled through lots and lots of practice. Others are simply born with it. Yes, they still practice but they start from a great launching pad. I think I can say the same thing about words and me. I don't really practice writing although I sometimes labor over the choice of words like a musician searching for the perfect chord. Somehow I seem to have a gift for writing and speaking and it's just there. I can't explain how or why I have the gift. Like all gifts it is more for others than for myself. If anything I write or speak benefits or comforts another, I am happy and it is a good day for me. A gift comes with responsibility. The responsibility of my gift is my words must be honest and worthy of other's trust. I take that responsibility very seriously.

In spite of my gift and other's trust in me.......

I occasionally experience what I call compassion fatigue. This is a condition caused by the desire to care about everyone and everything but often being overwhelmed by the magnitude of such caring. There is so much pain and suffering in the world. There are so many people with real and serious problems as well as the many people in our lives who believe their issues are major even when they are not. Whether problems and pain are real or imagined, people need and want compassion. How does one genuinely care about everyone and everything? Even Jesus was overwhelmed at times. Buddha says that all of life is suffering. I read last night that in the Lotus Sutra, Buddha says, "To shine up one corner, not the whole world. Just make it clear where you are". I think it was Mohammad who said, "Just deal with whatever is in front of you". I think what all these great teachers are telling us is that you can't fix everything. Deep in our hearts, beyond what we can physically do, I think it is possible to have a global and universal sense of true compassion. On a practical level, our compassion must express itself in ways that are sometimes small but no less authentic. We are all the center of our own circles and all of our circles overlap. I believe what we are called to do is reach out within the circles we inhabit, and further if we can, to touch those in our lives who need healing, compassion, and a word of encouragement. For most of us our circles include our families, our workplaces, our churches, and our neighborhoods. Sometimes we are blessed, as I am, to be able to reach beyond our circles with such things as the written word. The words of my daily thoughts extend far beyond my grasp. This makes me think of another's words whose name I cannot recall. This wise person said, "If every person swept his own doorstep, the entire world would be clean". The same would be true if each person practiced love, compassion, and kindness within the circle of their lives. Love, compassion, and kindness would ripple through our world the way a single stone can cause ripples to cross a lake or a pond. It really is that simple although it is also difficult. Unfortunately we have too many people in the world who spread hate, fear and greed. Good people, wherever they are, must overwhelm evil and suffering one act at a time with goodness and compassion.

A Long Weekend...But Still Busy.

It was nice to have a three day weekend. It was busy as usual but the busyness was spread out a little. I woke up about 5:30 AM on Friday with a sense of dread. I thought to myself, "My alarm clock will go off in 45 minutes"! I quickly had a wonderful realization when I remembered that I didn't have to go to work! I was taking a vacation day! With a sense of gratitude, I rolled over and slept a few more hours. Later in the morning I went to visit my Dad and to have lunch with him. In some ways visiting the nursing home is like visiting the monastery. When you enter both places you are walking into worlds where life is much slower. I found Dad in bed just before the attendants were going to get him up for lunch. Once in his wheelchair I took him to the dining room and fed him lunch. Almost everyone in the room needed assistance. Feeding Dad gave me flashbacks to my days as a young parent feeding my own children and to my older days as a grandparent feeding Chloe. Now Chloe sometimes feeds me. It's good practice for down the road. I may need her to visit and feed me someday. Dad ate everything on his plate. When I asked him if I was going too fast, he said "No, you're doing it just right". It felt like a sacred moment and I was happy that I was able to share this moment with him. Once he was back in bed I kissed him on the top of head and said goodbye. It had been a good visit.

After a brief stop at home it was off to the eye doctor. This also went well. I was happy when the doctor said there appeared to be no detectable negative effects from my diabetes. Of course the rest of the day I felt like I was underwater whenever I took my glasses off. My pupils were extremely dilated from various drops put in my eye during the exam. Later my wife, son, and I went to buy new glasses. Purchasing glasses is almost as complicated as purchasing a new car. By the time you get out of there you have no idea what you have ordered. Anyone else's glasses would be ready the next day. Not mine, of course! Since I wanted to keep my old frames, mine involved some kind of "special order" and will take approximately two weeks to get them. As a result I must temporarily wear some old frames I got sometime in the past.

Finally my activities ended with the seminarian picnic. It was held on the farm of a local priest's parents. It was very nice and many other people were there including our new Archbishop. It was my first time meeting him. He is a very nice and extremely friendly man. Right now everyone loves him. As with most things in life, however, he is still in his honeymoon period. Sooner or later he will be faced with difficult decisions that will make some people unhappy. I am impressed with him because he actually takes the time to visit my son in Indianapolis and to email him on a regular basis. The seminarians in this Archdiocese seem to get lots of support from the Archbishop and local priests.

Catching Up With My Life

Do you ever feel like you need to play catch up with your own life? I am feeling that way right now so I am taking tomorrow as a vacation day. After many years of marriage and raising a family I naively thought this would be a slow time in my life. It seems to be busier than ever. As an older person I don't have as much energy as I used to have. At the end of a work day, and it doesn't matter if I worked hard or if I pretended to work hard, I am exhausted. Each day I sit in my parked car and wait for my wife to come out of her office. The whole time my head is bobbing and I'm trying not to go face down on the steering wheel. I've got the air conditioning on high and the rock and roll cranking. Nothing helps. During the day I am fine as long as I keep moving. Once I sit down at the end of the day, it's all over. So, on a normal work night I don't have a lot of activity or demands beyond trying to stay awake long enough to go to bed. Weekends always seem busy instead of being a time to rest and chill out. Sometimes I take care of my granddaughter, sometimes my wife and I take my mother in law out to dinner, and I also try to visit my father in the nursing home. Once a month I have a commitment to go to the monastery. This Saturday I will be attending a picnic with the Archbishop of Louisville and all the local seminarians and their parents. I'm not sure if the Archbishop will actually be the one flipping the burgers and grilling the brats but, hey, it's a meal and I'm sure there will be some great conversation. The best part of me doesn't mind doing all these things. However, there are moments where I am tired of having obligations to fulfill and of meeting other people's expectations. Occasionally I have the thought, "Hey! What about my needs"? So, in a somewhat selfish mode, but without guilt, I am going to take a vacation day tomorrow so I can visit my father, go to the eye doctor, buy some new glasses, run a few personal errands, and perhaps calm my "monkey mind". If I do this tomorrow, I think I can have at least one day free of obligations over the weekend. Maybe then I will go see the new Batman movie or do nothing but stare out the window.

In early September I will be participating in an Alzheimer's Memory Walk and Fundraiser. If I have done this correctly, the following link should take you to my personal web page for donations. As most of you know my father has Alzheimer's and is currently in a nursing home. If you are able, please consider making a donation for Alzheimer's research. It would be greatly appreciated.

https://www.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=265379&lis=0&kntae265379=FB9281E01F904979B01DB0F54D3FC20B&supId=187985694

Monkey Mind

Our minds are often like a tree full of monkeys. If you think of this image, all the chatter, noise, and leaping about represents the myriad of thoughts that go through our heads everyday. I wonder how many random thoughts the average person has everyday beyond the self generated thinking required for our daily tasks? In Buddhism you sometimes hear the term "no mind". What is this "no mind"? "No mind" is the space between thoughts. Without some effort on your part, you will never be aware of this space. Some types of meditation will train you to let go of thoughts and increase the space between thoughts. I know I have an overactive mind. My own incessant need to be thinking all the time sometimes makes me crazy. Even writing these daily thoughts makes me crazy at times because I am always thinking about things I can write about. I write daily thoughts five days a week and now have around 400+ of them posted on my web page. A lot of thinking went in to all that writing. It doesn't help that I can be a perfectionist and sometimes obsess over choosing the right words. A thought will come and I can spend hours developing it in my head while hoping the finished product might be worthy of being committed to paper. I sometimes have a difficult time focusing. I am easily distracted because my thoughts are all over the place. I head down one road and often end up on a side street. Right now I am reading three different books because while reading one I get distracted by another. Recently, I was reading an in depth biography of the Beatles. Then I got into the Chinese philosophy of the Tao Te Ching and the 60's history by Tom Brokaw. I got back into the Tao Te Ching and then I bought "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. Between the reading and the writing and the demands of daily work and living, I sometimes have a case of the "monkey mind". The ironic part of this is I'm pretty sure some of you think I have it all together all the time. The truth is that I'm as wired and frazzled as most of you, at least some of the time. My mind sometimes wears me out. The good news is that I do know the antidote. I need to quiet my mind and the way to do that is to spend more time in the space between thoughts. I need to spend less time expanding my mind and more time quieting it. I need to be still more often and stop filling my life and head with noise and information. Being still and being quiet and allowing most of my thoughts to float away will increase the space between my thoughts and allow me to be in a state of "no mind". I think the Christian monk, Thomas Merton, would call this space between thoughts the "ground of your being". It is where we meet God and ourselves. Outside of this space we usually only meet ourselves coming and going.