The Good And The Bad

We're getting a break in the brutally hot weather we've had most of the summer. Earlier today I took a walk outside. It was still hot but the humidity levels were way down so it was rather pleasant. Unofficially, today begins the end of summer. Most local children returned to school today. My granddaughter is beginning the first grade. Wasn't she just born yesterday? How can she already be in the first grade? In a couple of weeks my youngest son returns to the seminary for his second year of theological studies. His resolve is a little shaky but his counselors have advised him to press on with his studies and to continue the discernment that is part of the formation process. Such doubt is part of life. Few of us are able to live our lives without some doubt about the decisions we've made or the paths we stumble along. I believe that doubt is a good thing. I am suspect of people who live their lives with perfect certitude. My life has never been a leisurely walk down a perfectly straight path. There's a reason this blog is called "Stumbling Along the Spiritual Path".

Lately I have been filled with concern for others. The pain of life is never far away. I am an empathic person and the troubles of others often fill me with more sadness than my own struggles. I had to terminate a co-worker recently and it upset me that I had to do it. One of my brothers, who is a kind and gentle soul, suffers from serious mental health issues. Two people I know have cancer. Some in my life are having relationship struggles while others are unemployed. The evening news seems perpetually depressing. Life in general is fragile and there is always the chance it will come crashing down. In the midst of this I feel at peace within myself although I am not without some existential angst and I sometimes share the feeling of one of my sister's who says, "Sometimes I feel guilty that my life is so good". Many who suffer do not deserve it and I suppose that some who are blessed may not deserve it either. I generally believe in karma but it is not foolproof. Bad things sometimes happen to good people and good things sometimes happen to bad people. I can't explain it. My way of dealing with this is to not feel sorry for myself or act like a victim when misfortunes happen to me. At the same time I strive to see all of life's blessings as a gift and gratefulness as a way of life is important to me. Life and people have been giving me gifts my entire life. I don't always feel deserving but I accept them gratefully. Likewise, when life throws me curve balls, I strive to also accept them with humility and a minimum of complaining. It is my hope for myself and others that the greater part of our lives are filled with good things and that we only have enough bad to make us appreciate the good more deeply.

Awesome Things Volume XXVIII

Awesome things are often simple joys....

A cool breeze while pumping gas into my car earlier this week. It was another brutal week as far as the heat goes, with a couple of days reaching 100 degrees, but on this one morning I enjoyed a cool breeze while standing at the gas pump.

Spending last weekend with my granddaughter. She came over at 8:30 AM on Saturday so her parents could go to the King's Island amusement park. Admittedly after one of her extended visits I feel like I have been to the gym but we had a wonderful time. It a good thing to sometimes see life through the eyes of a child.

Monday was the 15th anniversary of the death of Jerry Garcia, one of my musical heroes. I am a card carrying "Dead Head" and I miss seeing Jerry and Dead. Like all of us Jerry was an imperfect human being but he gave a lot of joy to a lot of people with his music. Yes, I do have lots of Grateful Dead music on my ipod.

Walking. Most days I go to the first floor of my office building and walk at least five laps around the perimeter. If the weather is nice I go outside around the park or along the river. However, I'm not a fan of hot weather so it's usually fall or winter when I venture outside. Admittedly I don't walk just for the joy of walking. It's my way of exercising to keep my weight and blood sugar under control. However, it's not all work either. I do enjoy walking and it gets the blood pumping when I am tired or a little brain dead from too much time looking at numbers and other data. Walking puts you in direct contact with your world. You can feel the wind and smell the flowers. You can sense when the rain is coming or you can enjoy the snow when it is falling. When I walk my feet are on the ground even if my head is sometimes in the clouds.

Being where you are. This is Zen and it is more difficult than you think. For example, at this moment my body is sitting here in my cubicle writing these thoughts. However, my mind is a million other places. It is a daily goal of mine to unite my mind with my body. If you can be where you are, doing what you are doing, you have learned how to truly live. Living and being where you are can also slow life down. The older you get the faster life seems to go. You can wake up and realize that five years have gone by. By being where you are, and practicing mindfulness, you get the most out of every day and they don't seem like such a blur when looking back. Your goal today is to be where you are, wherever that is, do what you are doing, and enjoy the moment. You will not pass this way again.

The "Tao". What people call the Tao (pronounced DOW) is basically a collection of Chinese philosophy. I find these writings very thought provoking. Here's today's thought....

"For a true master, sitting on a throne is no difference than sitting on dirt".

The commentary says, "True enlightenment comes from understanding the oneness of all reality. Such a realization leads to a perception that all things are truly equal. There is no polarity in the eyes of a master. Ordinary people cannot see this clearly. We feel safe only within declared boundaries. We make distinctions, we defend ourselves and our territories. Only a master knows the meaning of liberation and has complete freedom". Take this in with your morning coffee!

Nothing in particular. This reminds me that some days are just ordinary and that's OK. Everyday is not awesome. What connects all the awesome days are all the ordinary days. An awesome day may be something to celebrate but it would be challenging and exhausting to celebrate 24/7. Ordinary days are days to breathe, catch your breath, and rest up for the next awesome day. The reality is that most of our days are ordinary. You should still enjoy them or you will miss a big chunk of your life. Of course, today is not completely ordinary. It is Friday and I know all of us love Friday. Sometime we love Friday because we've had a tough week. I love Fridays even when I've had a great week.

The British Invasion 1964-66

Rock and roll is approximately 55 years old. One of my favorite periods in rock and roll is what Americans called "The British Invasion". This was basically the years 1964-66. It began when the Beatles came to America and appeared on the Ed Sullivan Show in February, 1964. I was 12 years old. The following month I began my teenage years. Following the Beatles were groups such as the Rolling Stones, the Dave Clark Five, Gerry and the Pacemakers, the Animals, the Kinks, and a host of lesser known bands and one hit wonders. Much of what these bands played was really music with American roots. Along with their own compositions and hit singles, they offered their interpretations of blues and Motown, not to mention the influence of Buddy Holly and Elvis Presley. As a teenage boy I was obsessed with these bands. Now, as a middle aged man who is not far from being a senior citizen, I still love the music from these bands and this era. Although my introduction to rock and roll was mainly through Chuck Berry and the Beach Boys, this is the era that made me the rock and roll junkie that I am today. The music was innocent even if the bands weren't. By 1967 the music and most of my generation had lost their innocence. It's probably difficult for young people today to appreciate the hysteria and cultural changes brought about by the Beatles and the other bands from this time period. They totally dominated the music charts, every teenage boy wanted to be in a band, and every teenage girl was in love with a Beatle, a Rolling Stone, or one of the Dave Clark Five. Recently I was thinking about the idea of "passion". How many times have all of us been told we don't have passion for something, especially in our working lives. There are certainly areas of my life, including my work life, where I do not have passion. While thinking about the idea of passion it occurred to me that the one thing I have had a constant and never ending passion for is music. I was strongly reminded of this a few nights ago when I watched a movie called "Pirate Radio". This is a story that is also about a British invasion. During the time of the musical British invasion of America, rock and roll was generally not played on British radio. Rock and roll is like life. It finds a way. Enterprising music lovers began broadcasting rock and roll music from ships anchored off the British coast. Collectively they were referred to as "Pirate Radio". Eventually they were shut down by the British Government but they had a glorious run for a couple of years. Of course, we all know the rest of the story. Rock and roll exploded and took over the world. I have never made any money from my passion for music. However, because of the hours and days and years of joy that music has brought me, I have become something of an expert on the music of my generation. Sometimes I feel like part of my destiny is to preserve my generation's musical history through my music collection and my knowledge, while also sharing it and passing it along to appreciative members of the younger generation. There's a young guy in my office who is almost like my apprentice. There's even an office joke that he is also my lost "love child" but that's not really true. At least I haven't been presented with any DNA evidence to validate it. After all these years many of the great musicians of my generation have passed on to rock and roll heaven. Someday I will join them. Although I am not a musician, I am a professional fan. When that times comes be sure to bury me with my ipod fully charged. I have all my playlists in order.

Awesome Things Volume XXVII

Getting up early on a Saturday and having morning coffee outside on my patio. It was cool last Saturday morning so I made a cup of coffee and went outside and sat on my patio. My companions were a very busy squirrel, a few birds, and a collection of Thomas Merton's thoughts. Sometimes I stopped reading and simply sat. I was reminded of a quote that someone once sent me. It goes, "Sometimes I sit and think. Sometimes I just sit". I don't always think about doing stuff like this until it is too late. If I hadn't seized the moment when I did, I would have missed the morning coolness and been confronted later with the heat of the day. Seizing the moment is part of being an "awakened one". Every once in a while, I am awake.

This week I have been married for 36 years. Way back on August 3rd, 1974 I was a naive 23 year old boy and I married a naive 21 year old girl. I have been married longer than I was single. My wife and I have grown up together and we have survived a lot together, including raising our two sons from boys to men. It hasn't always been a walk in the park but I'm glad we are still together. My wife's parents were married 55 years and my parents were married 59 years when my father passed away. Compared to them we're just getting warmed up. Marriage, family life, and life in general, have been tougher than I ever imagined. However, it's been mostly good, I've been very blessed, and marriage has given me a stability in my life that I needed.

The Present. Yesterday's heat...102 degrees...and yesterday's problems are behind us. Today is a new day with new possibilities. We have a 50% chance of rain and a cool front will make today a chilly 90 degrees. I am a person who believes in the idea of living in the moment. I have a little sign in my cube that says "What, at this moment, is lacking"? A friend and former teacher of mine once said, "The moment is as perfect as it can be". Life is full of troubles, challenges, and disappointments. It is also full of moments that lack nothing and moments that are perfect. You will experience all of this in your life. An old monk and a young monk in training were meditating together. The young monk kept opening his eye and peeking at the old monk. Finally the old monk, sensing the young monk's stare, opened his eyes and said to the young monk, "This is it. Nothing else happens". Such is life....

Yesterday a friend at our corporate office sent this quote to me because they said it made them think of me.

Happiness cannot be traveled to, worn, or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude.
-Denis Waitley

Happiness is today's awesome thing. You can't find happiness. It finds you. Sometimes we stumble over if when we think it is somewhere else. This reminds me of a Zen quote that goes something like this, "Zen is like looking for the glasses that are on your face". Happiness is not a destination. Happiness is a journey. To some extent I believe happiness is a choice. There are people who live in circumstances that most of us would find miserable, yet they are happy. On the other hand there are lots of miserable "rich" people. Choose to be happy and you will be. It's Friday so I know I am happy. 8-)

Writer's Block?

I have not written much lately except for my weekly lists of "Awesome Things". These lists are really nothing more than a collection of daily musings I share with my co-workers. I struggle to come up with them sometimes but the discipline of writing them is good for me. In these days when I struggle to write anything at all I wonder how I wrote so much, so often, in the past. I think a big part of it was the daily discipline and commitment to do so. The people who read my reflections expected them everyday and would sometimes challenge me if they didn't receive them. These days I have no commitment to write so it appears that the discipline of writing has gone out the window. I also often use fatigue as an excuse. At this moment, however, it is Saturday morning and I am well rested. I have no excuse so I decided to sit here and try to write something. Outside my room workers are painting my kitchen and laundry room. My brother in law is also here working but I have no idea what he is doing. It is a beautiful day, hot, but not as brutal as most of the summer has been. The heat, however, will return next week with temperatures in the high 90's. I look forward to autumn and winter but fear that winter will be as brutal as this summer. Last winter was brutal by local standards. Why is writing so difficult these days? Why am I so unreflective? I think a lot of my writing in the past was fueled by unhappiness and restlessness. In some case my writing was a backhanded way of bitching about my circumstances. These days I seem to be experiencing a quiet, peaceful, and relatively simple life. I have no commitments beyond working for my daily bread. I try to read but I am not consuming books. I have reduced the amount of intellectual clutter entering my mind. I am "being" more than I am "doing". Any time spent away from work I consider practice for my eventual retirement. I am thinking fewer deep thoughts and enjoying more simple moments. Perhaps I am realizing more and more that I don't have to really meet other people's expectations and I don't have to live up to the image of myself that past writing may have created. In some ways, the older I get the more I am disappearing. I don't mean that in a negative way. I mean that I am letting go of many things. By letting go I may appear to be "disappearing" or less relevant as a person. Of course, I am not really disappearing and I am not irrelevant. I still make a difference and I know it. If anything I am more present than ever to my life and the world around me. A recent Zen article talked of living life without goals. I have always done this even when I didn't intend to do so. These days I am perfecting it. I seem to accomplish little but I am living life better. I am more present to the moment and I think I am more alive. There is great joy in living the simple life and being who you are. I think it is difficult or impossible to be who you are when you are young. As a man who will turn 60 on his next birthday, I am a lot more comfortable in my own skin even if it is, as my granddaughter says, "old skin".

Awesome Things Volume XXVI

A small break in the heat. A cool front started coming in earlier this week. This summer has been so hot that 89 degrees seems like a cool day. So far it has been over 90 degrees more than 40 days. Quite frankly, I am over it. I try my best not to complain but a string of days in the mid 80's would be welcome. So, I am enjoying this "cool" day. The rest of the week will be in the 90's. I am also grateful for the rain that has watered my flowers, bushes, and lawn.

Early mornings at work. My favorite time of the workday is early morning when I first arrive. It's generally quiet and the busyness of the day isn't in full force. I am at my best early in the morning. By late afternoon I am dragging. I enjoy "crunching the numbers" to see where we are with our work and what we accomplished the previous day. Sometimes I am racking my brain for "Today's Awesome Thing". I am racking my brain at this very moment. Early mornings are peaceful. I am a creature of habit so those around me can set their watches based on my routines. Early mornings at work make me very grateful for the co-workers I have and the pleasant environment in which I work.

Reliving a great experience. About a month I attended an all day music festival in Chicago. The whole thing was filmed and recorded for a DVD release in the fall. Last night, however, at the Tinsel Town theaters there was a one time showing of a two hour movie with highlights from the festival. It brought back lots of memories of that day and the music was great. Since the reality of the festival was that I sat on metal bleachers and the heat index was 105 degrees, it was really awesome to watch the movie in an air conditioned theater.

Eating healthy. I've been trying to get more fruit into my diet so last night I shared a banana split with my granddaughter. Hopefully the bananas, strawberries, and pineapple will contribute to my ongoing efforts to live a healthier lifestyle.

Sleep. Most people, including me, are sleep deprived. Thursdays are the day I start running out of gas. By Friday I am running on fumes. I'm really tired right now. Tuesday night my wife and I were out on the streets till almost 10:00 PM! Most nights, even on weekends, we aren't out after dark. Last night I was with my granddaughter and a couple of hours with her is like a workout at the gym. I really wanted to stay in bed this morning but the thought of all the fun I have with all of you each day motivated me to get out of bed and come to work. Admittedly, I am already dreaming of sleeping in on Saturday.

Today...Friday...is going to be the best day of the week in terms of weather with temperatures in the 80's and low humidity. Enjoy it!

Friday rituals. As soon as I wake up on Fridays I am in a weekend frame of mind. It really kicks in when I put on a pair of jeans for "Casual Day". Then my wife and I stop at McDonald's for a quick breakfast. Friday is also the one day of the week I go out for lunch with my friend, Wendy. These little rituals remind me that I made it through another work week and the weekend awaits me. Today I am really ready for the weekend. As soon as my system booted up this morning at work I immediately clicked on my "Go Home" icon, shutting my computer down. Whoa, there, big fellow, not yet! I had to remind myself that I still had an entire day of work ahead of me.

Awesome Things Volume XXV

Birdsong. The first thing I hear each morning...after my alarm clock...is birdsong. It's a nice, peaceful way to start the day. In my experience, the way you start your day usually carries over to the entire day. If you start it calm and you are not rushed, most of your day will be the same. If you wake up late, in a frenzy, rushed and stressed, it's a pretty sure bet that you will feel like that for the rest of the day. Birdsong is a reminder that there is much in life that is beautiful but one must pay attention or you will miss it. Many days our bodies walk around in a daze. To be truly awake, not only our bodies need to be awake, but our awareness as well. It is only when we are "awakened one's" that we will notice such subtle beauty as birdsong in the morning.

Watching a storm roll in. Last night I was in my music room when it suddenly got dark. I looked out the window and I could see a storm approaching. My wife and I went out on our back porch. We sat there in silence as the wind blew through the trees and my new wind chimes finally got a workout. There was a some lightening and rolling thunder. Finally a gentle rain began to fall. It was very peaceful and I was happy to see my lawn get a nice watering. When I woke up the next morning the rain was really coming down. I found myself thinking how much I would like to stay home and read one of the books stacked on my table. Alas, the rain stopped and I had to go to work but that was OK, too, because as my son frequently says, "It's all good".

Fried Green Tomatoes. Earlier this week I had lunch with a friend at the Buckhead's Restaurant across the river from downtown Louisville. He asked me if I would like to share an appetizer of fried green tomatoes. I had never eaten them before, and being a wild and crazy guy, I said, "Sure, I'm in"! They were very tasty and nicely fried with a delicate crust and a horseradish flavored dipping sauce. I could have made a whole meal out of them but I didn't. I also ordered a Hot Brown. Workday lunches with friends, especially those with a nice view of the river, don't exactly make one want to return to work. However, motivated by my desire for continued food, running water, air conditioning, and other things that make life bearable, I returned to the office. Did I mention that my friend paid for lunch? That was awesome, too!

Picking my granddaughter up at the daycare. Yesterday I was asked to pick up my granddaughter at the daycare. She didn't know I was doing it. I walked in unannounced and simply stood there until she noticed me. When she did she yelled "Pa Paw" while running to me. She jumped into my arms, giving me a very tight hug. People usually don't get that excited when I walk into a room. Sometimes I am overwhelmed by how much this little girl loves me. Of course, the feeling is mutual because I consider her a wonderful addition to my life. Getting to be a grandparent is the reward for being a parent. If you are a grandparent you know what I mean. If you're not, you will someday if you are lucky.

The pizza that I ate last night. Yes, I am talking about the one I shouldn't have eaten. It was pretty awesome. I ate dinner at the Hometown Pizza in Middletown because I had to go to a funeral home after I got off from work. Funeral homes aren't awesome but most of us get to a point in our lives where marrying the young and burying the old is the only time we see our extended family. I have been fortunate to be part of very good families on both sides. We have our share of characters like all families. Anyway, last night I got to see some aunts and cousins I haven't seen in quite a while. I feel blessed to be part of such a big family.