My life is not perfect but it is full of perfect moments and times. This weekend was another one of those times. After a good night's sleep on Friday night, I woke up on Saturday morning feeling very rested. On Saturday afternoon my friends and I headed for Indianapolis to see Joe Cocker and the Steve Miller Band. Shortly after getting on the road, we drove into some torrential rain. It was an ominous sign for what might lay ahead. The concert was outdoors and we were sitting on the lawn. We've gotten to the point where we actually like being on the lawn. That's a good thing because the price of gas would probably force us to sit out there anyway. Anyway, back to the rain. Within a few minutes we were out of the rain and the weather turned beautiful. Since it was a weekend there were no traffic backups and we reached our destination easily and without incident. When we got out of the car the sky was blue, the sun was shining, a cool breeze was blowing and there was no humidity. The rock and roll gods were once again smiling on us. We got into the venue after going through everything but a strip search. I immediately climbed up the hill and staked out a small piece of turf about halfway up the hill and directly in front of the stage. At this point the crowd was light, everyone around us seemed happy, and we were all eager for the music to begin. Right on time Joe Cocker came on stage. During his set I realized that next summer will be the 40th anniversary of the original Woodstock where Joe Cocker first became famous. Where has the time gone and so quickly! My friend Bridget loves Joe Cocker. She danced through his entire set as the blazing orange sun set in the western sky and the cool wind blew through the crowd. What can I say about my other friend, Tom? We have been friends since we were teenagers in high school. We have been to more concerts together and apart than we can remember. I don't think either of us thought we would still be going to rock concerts at our current age. We've moving a little slower these days but we're still out there getting it done. It takes both of our brains to piece together our life's adventures, especially our shared youth. My other friend and companion is Bridget's nephew Josh. He's about the age of my youngest son but he loves the music of my generation. We take him to everything as part of his life's education. We feel responsible for exposing him to all the classics and I'm not talking Beethoven here. After Joe Cocker finished his set there was a break as the roadies set the stage for the Steve Miller Band. During the break I found myself sitting back in my chair, looking at the sky and the setting sun, feeling the breeze and thinking how wonderful life can be. Admittedly, sometimes you have to drive 300 miles round trip to enjoy the kind of night I was having but here's the deal. If you want a great life and wonderful times, you've got to get off your butt and put some effort and work into it. After the break it was obvious who most people came to see. It seemed like the crowd had tripled and suddenly the entire lawn was filled with people of all ages. Most of them were feeling very loose due to the consumption of $8.50 cups of beer. The Steve Miller Band hit the stage and approximately 25,000 people sang and danced for the next two hours. I am not a very good dancer even though I do sometimes "shake my booty" to make my granddaughter, Chloe, laugh hysterically. When the show was over, the rock and roll gods magically put my car on the front end of the traffic and soon we were heading home. As I crawled into my bed at 3:00 AM, I was tired but happy that I can still rock and roll and that I haven't succumbed to old age yet. The next stop is Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers and Steve Winwood in Cincinnati on July 8th. I better start resting up now.
Some people walk in the rain, others just get wet.
-Roger Miller
Monday, June 30, 2008
Friday, June 27, 2008
Going On The Road Again
So far this week I have written about being emotionally needy, trying to live a spiritual life, lightening bugs, ants, silence, living without rules, my Dad, and nursing homes. I need a break and this weekend I will get one. Tomorrow I am making my first rock and roll road trip of the summer. My friends and I will be heading north to the Indianapolis area to see the Steve Miller Band and Joe Cocker. They are both classic rockers. Steve Miller got his start in the mid 60's playing the blues on the south side of Chicago. This was no small feat for a young white boy. He was right in the thick of greats like Otis Rush, Muddy Waters, John Lee Hooker, and Howlin Wolf, among others. Eventually he migrated to San Francisco and became part of the whole psychedelic scene in San Francisco, playing at the infamous Monterey Pop Festival in 1967 and other now famous venues like the Fillmore West. He reached the peak of his popularity in the mid 70's with his classic album "Fly Like an Eagle". Joe Cocker was basically playing in bars until he played a gig called Woodstock. I am talking about the original Woodstock in 1969. His performance there, especially his fiery version of the classic Beatles song "With a Little Help from my Friends", turned him into an overnight superstar. I recommend Joe's album/CD entitled "Mad Dogs and Englishmen". I expect this to be a very enjoyable evening. Hopefully the forecasted thunderstorms will hold off until after the show. The music is all the fireworks my friends and I will need.
Here are 15 reasons you should go to your favorite music store this weekend. I could easily list a couple of hundred more reasons. This particular group is limited to African American men. Of course a larger list would include men and women of many ethic groups and races. All of these musicians have enriched my life.
Chuck Berry
James Brown
Miles Davis
Bo Diddley
Buddy Guy
Ritchie Havens
Jimi Hendrix
John Lee Hooker
Little Richard
Robert Johnson
Albert King
B. B. King
Bob Marley
Otis Redding
Muddy Waters
When the late actress Katherine Hepburn was asked if she thought life was hard, she replied, "Yes, life is hard. It kills all of us"! Even the now senior citizen, Bob Dylan, sang in his youth, "Those not being born are busy dying". Bob makes a good point. We are all dying everyday. It will take some of us longer than others. None of us know our time. These thoughts, however, are not really about dying. They are about living. Life is so precious and such a gift. We need to live it well. I am not talking about extreme living or a life of grand adventure. Most of us will never live adventurous lives. We will live mostly quiet, hidden lives full of the ordinary. We can still, however, live lives that are deep with meaning, full of love, and purposeful. Many people spend much of their lives getting ready to live. Some die before they ever begin to live. The time to live is now. I love to watch dinosaur programs on the Discovery Channel. It is not unusual to hear the narrator say something like, "Tyrannosaurus Rex ruled the earth for 75,000,000 years". 75,000,000 years for one species to evolve and finally disappear????? We might, if we are lucky, have 75-80 years as individuals to evolve into our best self before we die. Do you feel a small sense of urgency about living now? Living with a sense of urgency does not mean that we have to live with a sense of panic. Intentional living is living with a sense of purpose. As you load the backpack that you will carry through life, do not weigh yourself down with non essentials. Focus on what is really important. Let go of worry and needless concerns. Travel light. Hold no grudges. Forgive everything. Love much. Harm no one. Smell the flowers. Feel the wind. Dance to the music.
Here are 15 reasons you should go to your favorite music store this weekend. I could easily list a couple of hundred more reasons. This particular group is limited to African American men. Of course a larger list would include men and women of many ethic groups and races. All of these musicians have enriched my life.
Chuck Berry
James Brown
Miles Davis
Bo Diddley
Buddy Guy
Ritchie Havens
Jimi Hendrix
John Lee Hooker
Little Richard
Robert Johnson
Albert King
B. B. King
Bob Marley
Otis Redding
Muddy Waters
When the late actress Katherine Hepburn was asked if she thought life was hard, she replied, "Yes, life is hard. It kills all of us"! Even the now senior citizen, Bob Dylan, sang in his youth, "Those not being born are busy dying". Bob makes a good point. We are all dying everyday. It will take some of us longer than others. None of us know our time. These thoughts, however, are not really about dying. They are about living. Life is so precious and such a gift. We need to live it well. I am not talking about extreme living or a life of grand adventure. Most of us will never live adventurous lives. We will live mostly quiet, hidden lives full of the ordinary. We can still, however, live lives that are deep with meaning, full of love, and purposeful. Many people spend much of their lives getting ready to live. Some die before they ever begin to live. The time to live is now. I love to watch dinosaur programs on the Discovery Channel. It is not unusual to hear the narrator say something like, "Tyrannosaurus Rex ruled the earth for 75,000,000 years". 75,000,000 years for one species to evolve and finally disappear????? We might, if we are lucky, have 75-80 years as individuals to evolve into our best self before we die. Do you feel a small sense of urgency about living now? Living with a sense of urgency does not mean that we have to live with a sense of panic. Intentional living is living with a sense of purpose. As you load the backpack that you will carry through life, do not weigh yourself down with non essentials. Focus on what is really important. Let go of worry and needless concerns. Travel light. Hold no grudges. Forgive everything. Love much. Harm no one. Smell the flowers. Feel the wind. Dance to the music.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Moving My Father
I found out yesterday that my family must move my father into a new nursing home. He has been in his current nursing home for approximately three months. He has exhausted his Medicare benefit and there is a one year wait for a "Medicaid bed". The nursing home he is in now cost $5,500 per month. If we leave him there, my mother will have to pay this money until Medicaid kicks in. That could cost potentially $66,000 over the next year. We will be moving him in the next day or so to a "cheaper" nursing home that is $3,500 dollars a month. It is a Medicaid bed but until the Medicaid is approved, this amount must be paid by my mother. My two sisters are taking care of all the paperwork. I recently watched a news special about the challenges of caring for aging parents. A doctor remarked that managing the life of an aging parent required the equivalent of a Master's degree level of knowledge and skill. My sister in law who manages my mother in law's affairs has an MBA and it's a lot of work for her. It's all very complicated so thank God there's enough talent and brains within our families to manage it. The good news here is that two of my nieces work for the nursing home where my Dad will be moving. Besides the hassle of paperwork and money concerns, this transition will likely create some confusion for Dad. He's been in a comfortable situation on a routine and has been getting good care. Now he will have to go through an adjustment period where he must adjust to a new environment. Challenges like these will be epidemic when my very large generation, the baby boomers, gets to this stage of life. My parents and my wife's mother have a combined total of nine children and many grandchildren who can look after them and work together to manage their lives. Most of my generation have far fewer children and grandchildren to care for them and look after them in their old age so the burden for the younger generation of today will be greater. Note to my children: Get ready.
From time to time, we need to remind ourselves to relax, to be peaceful, we may wish to set aside some time for retreat, a day of mindfulness, when we can walk slowly, drink tea with a friend and enjoy being together as if we were the happiest people on earth. This is not a retreat, it is a treat!
-Thich Nhat Hanh
The above quote is from Thich Nhat Hanh who is a Vietnamese Buddhist monk. Even though I am not a Buddhist, I love the Buddhist approach to living. Lived properly it is gentle and serene. It makes me realize how so many of us, including me, get so easily upset about so many things, most of which are trivial occurrences or misunderstandings. There is not a day of my life where I don't encounter drama in one form or another. It would seem that some people take Shakespeare too seriously in his proclamation that "All the world's a stage"! Personally I prefer my drama at Actor's Theater and not in my living room or workplace. This is an unrealistic expectation on my part because where there are people, there is drama. We humans are such emotional beings and these feelings often get the best of us. Of course, it's our feelings and emotions that make us human. We are full of so much capacity for goodness and love. Unfortunately we also have great potential for pettiness and making mountains out of molehills. Although I am a quiet person on the surface, I am also a very emotional person with deep feelings about many things. Sometimes this aspect of my being has been a good thing and other times it has gotten me into trouble. I believe I have a great capacity for love and compassion but my passionate nature sometimes overreacts to events or things people say. Sometimes it is a struggle to find a balance between my often conflicting emotions. There are times I have wished to be like Mr. Spock on Star Trek who had no emotions at all. I always admired his calmness and lack of dramatic and emotional responses to what went on around him. However, I am not a Vulcan. I am a lowly earthling with sometimes difficult to control emotions. Sometime all the world is a stage and I am the star of my own drama. Drama is not always a bad thing but sometimes we need to throw in a little comedy or perhaps some satire. Most of life's so called drama is just the result of imperfect people living in an imperfect world. We should all take Thich Nhat Hanh's advice more often and drink tea or coffee...or even attend a rock concert with friends...and enjoy being being together as if we were the happiest people on earth.
From time to time, we need to remind ourselves to relax, to be peaceful, we may wish to set aside some time for retreat, a day of mindfulness, when we can walk slowly, drink tea with a friend and enjoy being together as if we were the happiest people on earth. This is not a retreat, it is a treat!
-Thich Nhat Hanh
The above quote is from Thich Nhat Hanh who is a Vietnamese Buddhist monk. Even though I am not a Buddhist, I love the Buddhist approach to living. Lived properly it is gentle and serene. It makes me realize how so many of us, including me, get so easily upset about so many things, most of which are trivial occurrences or misunderstandings. There is not a day of my life where I don't encounter drama in one form or another. It would seem that some people take Shakespeare too seriously in his proclamation that "All the world's a stage"! Personally I prefer my drama at Actor's Theater and not in my living room or workplace. This is an unrealistic expectation on my part because where there are people, there is drama. We humans are such emotional beings and these feelings often get the best of us. Of course, it's our feelings and emotions that make us human. We are full of so much capacity for goodness and love. Unfortunately we also have great potential for pettiness and making mountains out of molehills. Although I am a quiet person on the surface, I am also a very emotional person with deep feelings about many things. Sometimes this aspect of my being has been a good thing and other times it has gotten me into trouble. I believe I have a great capacity for love and compassion but my passionate nature sometimes overreacts to events or things people say. Sometimes it is a struggle to find a balance between my often conflicting emotions. There are times I have wished to be like Mr. Spock on Star Trek who had no emotions at all. I always admired his calmness and lack of dramatic and emotional responses to what went on around him. However, I am not a Vulcan. I am a lowly earthling with sometimes difficult to control emotions. Sometime all the world is a stage and I am the star of my own drama. Drama is not always a bad thing but sometimes we need to throw in a little comedy or perhaps some satire. Most of life's so called drama is just the result of imperfect people living in an imperfect world. We should all take Thich Nhat Hanh's advice more often and drink tea or coffee...or even attend a rock concert with friends...and enjoy being being together as if we were the happiest people on earth.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Living Without Rules
Last night I was in my back yard breaking up stale bread for the birds. The sun had set but there was still some daylight. While standing on the patio I realized there was an experience that I had not shared with my granddaughter Chloe yet. Throughout my backyard were the unmistakable yellow glow of lightening bugs. I thought to myself, "Chloe would be freaking out if she were here. She would be chasing them all over the place". I think her next overnighter will be on the 4th of July. I must remember to introduce her to the world of lightening bugs. Since she also likes to sit on my porch and watch ants, I was thinking of buying her an ant farm so she can watch them as they go about their digging and tunneling. I recently saw a story on the CBS Sunday Morning News where a guy was studying ants. He would look for these huge ant mounds that were sitting over myriad tunnels carved out by all the ant workers. He would melt aluminum and then pour the molten aluminum down the ant holes. The bad news is that this process would kill all the ants. The good news is that he would end up with a mold of the ant tunnels. These would become pieces of art plus other scientists would study the intricate and sophisticated complexes as a way to increase our human knowledge of architecture. The detail and fragility of the ant worlds as captured in these molds was extraordinary. They were as sophisticated as any human architecture.
Seemingly contrary to my love of rock and roll music is my love of the natural silence to be found at the beginning and the end of each day. I am not a big fan of getting out of bed but once up I cherish the early morning silence, my first sip of coffee, reading a paragraph or two from an inspiring book, and the peacefulness of simply sitting for fifteen minutes or so before I leave my home for the morning commute. It's a great way to start my day. Life was not always this peaceful. Once I was a full time parent and there were children to wake up, get dressed, feed, and take to daycare or school. I am older now and I have survived those years so quiet mornings are my reward. Later, after the busyness of my work day, my day ends with more silence and calm. There are no children to feed, help with homework, or send off to bed. I am the only child left in the house now except when Chloe is visiting.
My wife went out to dinner with friends last night so most of the evening I was alone. I ate a simple dinner, watched a couple of music concerts, going from the complex sounds of the progressive band "Yes" to the mellow, acoustic sounds of James Taylor. In between musical notes I read from the Tao Te Ching, baked a turkey, and wrote these daily thoughts. Who says I can't be productive? All in all, it was a wonderful night. As far as the turkey goes, my apologies to all my vegetarian friends. Verse 18 of the Tao Te Ching is entitled "Living Without Rules". This reminds me of something my wife once said. She used to work for the company I work for now. I have been here nearly 23 years. She lasted one year. One of her observations while working here was "I have never worked anywhere where there were so many rules". Part of the point of the 18th verse of the Tao Te Ching is to ask if we really need rules to tell us how to live. Lao Tzu says, "If you need rules to be kind and just, if you just act virtuous, this is a sure sign that virtue is absent. Thus we see the great hypocrisy". I'm not a guy that likes rules but as a member of society I follow those rules designed to support order and maintain safety. When it comes to my actions, my rule is my heart. It is my heart that compels me to act compassionately, kindly, fairly, and to treat everyone with dignity and respect. Certainly there are spiritual teachings that support this but it is my heart that drives such behavior. Why is this so difficult for some people?
Where is the master? Gathering herbs, off on the mountain, hidden by clouds.
-Zen saying
Seemingly contrary to my love of rock and roll music is my love of the natural silence to be found at the beginning and the end of each day. I am not a big fan of getting out of bed but once up I cherish the early morning silence, my first sip of coffee, reading a paragraph or two from an inspiring book, and the peacefulness of simply sitting for fifteen minutes or so before I leave my home for the morning commute. It's a great way to start my day. Life was not always this peaceful. Once I was a full time parent and there were children to wake up, get dressed, feed, and take to daycare or school. I am older now and I have survived those years so quiet mornings are my reward. Later, after the busyness of my work day, my day ends with more silence and calm. There are no children to feed, help with homework, or send off to bed. I am the only child left in the house now except when Chloe is visiting.
My wife went out to dinner with friends last night so most of the evening I was alone. I ate a simple dinner, watched a couple of music concerts, going from the complex sounds of the progressive band "Yes" to the mellow, acoustic sounds of James Taylor. In between musical notes I read from the Tao Te Ching, baked a turkey, and wrote these daily thoughts. Who says I can't be productive? All in all, it was a wonderful night. As far as the turkey goes, my apologies to all my vegetarian friends. Verse 18 of the Tao Te Ching is entitled "Living Without Rules". This reminds me of something my wife once said. She used to work for the company I work for now. I have been here nearly 23 years. She lasted one year. One of her observations while working here was "I have never worked anywhere where there were so many rules". Part of the point of the 18th verse of the Tao Te Ching is to ask if we really need rules to tell us how to live. Lao Tzu says, "If you need rules to be kind and just, if you just act virtuous, this is a sure sign that virtue is absent. Thus we see the great hypocrisy". I'm not a guy that likes rules but as a member of society I follow those rules designed to support order and maintain safety. When it comes to my actions, my rule is my heart. It is my heart that compels me to act compassionately, kindly, fairly, and to treat everyone with dignity and respect. Certainly there are spiritual teachings that support this but it is my heart that drives such behavior. Why is this so difficult for some people?
Where is the master? Gathering herbs, off on the mountain, hidden by clouds.
-Zen saying
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Living The Spiritual Life
The more I try to live spiritually, the less sure I am that I am actually doing it. I believe there is a God but I am often wondering who or what this God is. I still have all the traditional images of God given me in my youth but I don't think its always that simple. I believe God must be an enigma of simplicity wrapped in complexity or vice versa. Some people seem very certain about who and what God is. Their faith is either much deeper than mine or they are blessed with a life of 100% certitude and therefore they have no questions or doubts about anything they believe. I wish I could live with that kind of doubt free conviction. I say all of this because I think the spiritual life, like God, is a mystery. Living a spiritual life is not always about doing things, especially in any kind of robotic way. It's about living and growing and changing and transforming into a more loving and compassionate person. It's also about feeling contrition for your failings and shortcomings as you continually get up and start over after you fall or lose your way. For me the spiritual life is also about a lot of searching, some stumbling down the path, occasional clarity, and sometimes days, weeks, or months of being lost in the fog. Still, many of us continue to follow the voice within us as we journey toward an unknown destination. It almost seems as though someone is calling our name and you are trying to follow the sound. In all of this is a sense of longing. The emptiness within us is a longing to find the source that seems to be calling our name. It can be a great thing to actually hear the sound of someone calling your name. Once about five years ago as I was walking through a crowd at a rock concert I literally heard someone calling my name. I turned around and saw two old friends that I hadn't seen in years. Since that moment in time these friendships have been renewed and with one person many new adventures have been experienced. When my beautiful little granddaughter, Chloe, comes to my house for the weekend, my name is called out four or five hundred times. Where am I going with this? Yesterday I talked a little about emotional needs and the emptiness we sometimes feel. I think this emptiness, and the longing attached to it, are really spiritual in nature. These feelings are not just experienced by lonely people. Sometimes people who seem to have it all still feel empty and they long for something they can't usually articulate. I think this longing is God calling our name. The emptiness we sometimes feel can only be filled by God. Even though this God is still very much a mystery to me, He/She is no stranger. There are quiet moments in my life where the emptiness and the longing are filled and my spiritual loneliness is momentarily taken away. I am grateful for such moments of rest before I once again take up the continuing journey of life.
Monday, June 23, 2008
On Being Emotionally Needy
My weekend was very low key. I decided to be totally self centered and give myself the gift of a weekend without obligations or tasks. Most of the weekend I only did what I wanted. I ran one small errand, and went out to dinner with my wife and son, but much of my time was spent in my little Hobbit hole reading, napping, listening to music, and reading some more. Most weekends seem as busy as my workdays so a weekend with minimal activity and obligations was a blessing.
Recently I received an email from a friend asking for advice concerning a problem she and her husband were having with communication. Last Friday I had some interesting dialogue with another friend about how men are from Mars and women from Venus and how most men and women find the opposite sex a mystery. Yesterday I read a Top Ten List of signs that you are an emotionally needy person. All of this has had my mind going in many directions as I pondered the often rocky landscape of relationships and communication between men and women and people in general. As I read the Top Ten List I was disappointed but not surprised that I showed some of the behaviors of a needy person. Because I think of myself as a fiercely independent person, it is difficult for me to accept this about myself. I admit, however, that I feel I have lived much of my life without many emotional needs being met. Living like this gives me the false belief that I have overcome any potential neediness. I must be in denial. Am I really needy or has my life truly been lacking in the basic emotional fulfillment that all people want? I am not unaware that there are many people in this world who truly like me. In spite of that, like many people I have sometimes felt ignored, forgotten, overlooked, or taken for granted. Feelings, of course, do not always reflect reality but our perceptions often become our reality. I believe my feelings have, in part, contributed to my solitary and withdrawn personality. My love of solitude is not spiritually or emotionally pure. Part of my love of solitude is because I find it safe. When I am alone life seems much easier and there are fewer disappointments. Is a person needy because there are feelings or experiences one wants in life but feels they are not having? What desires are normal? When does one cross the line between legitimate wants and being needy? Are you being needy if you are assertive about satisfying emotional wants? I really don't know. This is tricky territory for me. How much should I reach out? Sometimes I am tempted to fall into my passive aggressive tendencies and think "I am going to ignore everyone and not reach out to anyone until they acknowledge me on their own. I will stay in my Hobbit hole and be safe. I am not going to reach out because I do not want to be disappointed or hurt". All of this makes me realize how complex we human being are. Each of us is a tangled mess of personality traits, emotional needs, wonderful gifts, dysfunctional behaviors, as well as contradictory, sometimes conflicting, and often surprising actions. I suppose this is what makes humans beings so interesting and occasionally maddening.
Recently I received an email from a friend asking for advice concerning a problem she and her husband were having with communication. Last Friday I had some interesting dialogue with another friend about how men are from Mars and women from Venus and how most men and women find the opposite sex a mystery. Yesterday I read a Top Ten List of signs that you are an emotionally needy person. All of this has had my mind going in many directions as I pondered the often rocky landscape of relationships and communication between men and women and people in general. As I read the Top Ten List I was disappointed but not surprised that I showed some of the behaviors of a needy person. Because I think of myself as a fiercely independent person, it is difficult for me to accept this about myself. I admit, however, that I feel I have lived much of my life without many emotional needs being met. Living like this gives me the false belief that I have overcome any potential neediness. I must be in denial. Am I really needy or has my life truly been lacking in the basic emotional fulfillment that all people want? I am not unaware that there are many people in this world who truly like me. In spite of that, like many people I have sometimes felt ignored, forgotten, overlooked, or taken for granted. Feelings, of course, do not always reflect reality but our perceptions often become our reality. I believe my feelings have, in part, contributed to my solitary and withdrawn personality. My love of solitude is not spiritually or emotionally pure. Part of my love of solitude is because I find it safe. When I am alone life seems much easier and there are fewer disappointments. Is a person needy because there are feelings or experiences one wants in life but feels they are not having? What desires are normal? When does one cross the line between legitimate wants and being needy? Are you being needy if you are assertive about satisfying emotional wants? I really don't know. This is tricky territory for me. How much should I reach out? Sometimes I am tempted to fall into my passive aggressive tendencies and think "I am going to ignore everyone and not reach out to anyone until they acknowledge me on their own. I will stay in my Hobbit hole and be safe. I am not going to reach out because I do not want to be disappointed or hurt". All of this makes me realize how complex we human being are. Each of us is a tangled mess of personality traits, emotional needs, wonderful gifts, dysfunctional behaviors, as well as contradictory, sometimes conflicting, and often surprising actions. I suppose this is what makes humans beings so interesting and occasionally maddening.
Friday, June 20, 2008
The Art Of Constructive Feedback
I spent much of my evening in darkness after thunderstorms knocked out my power. It didn't come back on until after I was in bed. Sometimes I actually enjoy when this happens. It certainly makes you appreciate electricity and all the things that are dependent on it.
I talk a lot about Zen, and I even try to practice it, but my granddaughter, Chloe, lives it, and, as a child, she is able to do that without any effort. Those of us who are adults, however, must work at it. It is a challenging thing to live your life awake and present to the moment. I am better at it than I used to be but sometimes I am "asleep" even when my body is awake and appearing to go about the daily tasks of living. You can learn a lot about living by watching children. Chloe lives in the NOW. So, she is much more of a Zen Master than me. When I am with her, I am the Grasshopper.
All of us are sometimes criticized. It is often referred to as constructive feedback to give it a more positive spin but it still usually feels like good old criticism. I have been criticized many times in my life and I admit that I didn't always take it very well. It's not because I think I am perfect. It's more because I really strive to do things well and to always do the right thing. When someone tells me I am not meeting an expectation, it hurts. I don't know if there is a painless way to receive and accept constructive feedback. I do believe, however, there are painless and positive ways to give constructive feedback. First of all you must always respect the dignity and feelings of the person on the receiving end. Constructive feedback can be presented in a gentle, even loving, way. Constructive feedback doesn't have to be presented with negative terminology. The reality of a situation can be presented in a non threatening way balanced with positive examples of how the situation could have been handled or how it might be handled in the future. I don't believe any decent human being comes to work or does anything with the intention of making mistakes or doing poorly. In today's complex and highly technical work environments. the use of computers often makes the possibility of errors more likely than not. Some management gurus, like W. Edwards Deming, believe that mistakes in the workplace are usually the blame of a system or a process rather than people. When was the last time a "system" or a "process" was put on a work improvement program? People seem like the only option for criticism, so they are usually given the blame. None of us are perfect and we do make mistakes and sometimes our mistakes may be carelessness. Sometimes we may need encouragement or some deserved criticism. If we deserve it, we need to be humble and accept that we have made a mistake or need to get our heads on straight. If we are the leader, the parent, or the friend, do it in a caring, non threatening way so the person walks away with some dignity and resolve to try harder. Encourage them. Don't break their spirit.
I talk a lot about Zen, and I even try to practice it, but my granddaughter, Chloe, lives it, and, as a child, she is able to do that without any effort. Those of us who are adults, however, must work at it. It is a challenging thing to live your life awake and present to the moment. I am better at it than I used to be but sometimes I am "asleep" even when my body is awake and appearing to go about the daily tasks of living. You can learn a lot about living by watching children. Chloe lives in the NOW. So, she is much more of a Zen Master than me. When I am with her, I am the Grasshopper.
All of us are sometimes criticized. It is often referred to as constructive feedback to give it a more positive spin but it still usually feels like good old criticism. I have been criticized many times in my life and I admit that I didn't always take it very well. It's not because I think I am perfect. It's more because I really strive to do things well and to always do the right thing. When someone tells me I am not meeting an expectation, it hurts. I don't know if there is a painless way to receive and accept constructive feedback. I do believe, however, there are painless and positive ways to give constructive feedback. First of all you must always respect the dignity and feelings of the person on the receiving end. Constructive feedback can be presented in a gentle, even loving, way. Constructive feedback doesn't have to be presented with negative terminology. The reality of a situation can be presented in a non threatening way balanced with positive examples of how the situation could have been handled or how it might be handled in the future. I don't believe any decent human being comes to work or does anything with the intention of making mistakes or doing poorly. In today's complex and highly technical work environments. the use of computers often makes the possibility of errors more likely than not. Some management gurus, like W. Edwards Deming, believe that mistakes in the workplace are usually the blame of a system or a process rather than people. When was the last time a "system" or a "process" was put on a work improvement program? People seem like the only option for criticism, so they are usually given the blame. None of us are perfect and we do make mistakes and sometimes our mistakes may be carelessness. Sometimes we may need encouragement or some deserved criticism. If we deserve it, we need to be humble and accept that we have made a mistake or need to get our heads on straight. If we are the leader, the parent, or the friend, do it in a caring, non threatening way so the person walks away with some dignity and resolve to try harder. Encourage them. Don't break their spirit.
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