Who And What Has Formed You?

In some cultures, especially in Asia, it is not unusual for a young man to spend time in a monastery like some men spend time in the Army or the Navy.  This is what I did.  Although it was a short time a long time ago it was one of the formative experiences of my life and it played a big part in me becoming who I am today.  Anyone who knows me well believes I am still very much like a monk.  Sometimes in my daydreams I like to look back and remember all the people, places, and experiences that made me who I am.  We all have them even if we aren’t conscious of it.  Maybe it was a teacher, a coach, or a spiritual leader.  Maybe it was your college years or a time when you were an athlete.  Maybe you’ve had experiences being in exotic places or different cultures.  If you are like me you have also read thousands of books, some of which have changed your life.  I have been blessed to have had many great teachers and mentors.  I’ve had experiences that many people have not had.  In addition to all of the above, I have an introspective and curious nature that drives me to much contemplation of life and its meaning.  I encourage all of you to reflect on your own life.  Who or what has formed you?  What experiences have shaped you into who you are?  What kind of person are you?  What drives you in life?  When you stand on the shore, what do you hope is on the other side of the ocean?  Who are you and what do you want to be?  I am not talking about what kind of job you want.  What kind of person do you want to be?  Whoever you are, good or bad, you will be that person in whatever job or role that you have.  Sometimes I try to imagine what kind of eulogy someone will give about me at my funeral.  All of life is a journey of self-discovery.  You can follow your own inner voice or you can allow life to form you as it tosses you about like an object in a stormy sea.        

 

Authenticity

Authenticity is a practice, and you choose it every day, sometimes every hour of the day.

-Brene Brown, PHD

 

Authenticity is defined as “the quality or condition of being authentic, trustworthy, or genuine”.  When you look at yourself in the mirror each day, do you see a person looking back at you that is authentic, trustworthy, and genuine?  If you do not, are you trying to be such a person?  The world is full of charlatans, fakes, poseurs, and con men.  It is an act of courage to be authentic.  It has been my experience that people will forgive your mistakes and tolerate your weaknesses if they believe you are authentic, trustworthy, genuine, and real.  No one admires a phony.  This is why I write so much about knowing who you are and working daily to be the best version of who you are.  I have become very good at spotting a “fake” and my BS detector is highly sensitive.  I know Shakespeare said the whole world is a stage and we are all actors but you can’t act all the time.  Sooner or later you have to wipe off the make-up, remove the masks, and change out of your costume.  Authentic people aren’t perfect.  They have as many faults as anyone.  What makes them different is their transparency, openness, and honesty.  They are unpretentious and self-deprecating.  They don’t take themselves too seriously and they refuse to see themselves as special or better than anyone else.  We are all works in progress.  We all have aspects of ourselves that need some work.  Each of us, however, makes a unique contribution to the world.  We are where we are for a reason.  Be who you are, warts and all, but be real.  Always tell the truth, be genuine, learn from your mistakes, and practice authenticity every day.   

Water Me Once A Week

Smile, breathe, and go slowly.

-Thich Nhat Hanh

 

This quote caught my eye recently along with an article about the joy of a boring life.  I try to smile more than I frown, paying attention to my breath is part of my daily meditation, and most people believe I do an excellent job of going slowly.  Beyond this, and despite what some people think about me, I live a life that is mostly boring.  No one in their right mind would call me “Mr. Excitement”.  Recently I shared two quotes with friends that they believed perfectly described my personality type.  The first quote may have actually come from me.  It goes “Why stand when I can sit down, why sit down when I can lie down, and why just lie down when I can sleep”?  The other quote is a Spanish proverb that goes “Isn’t it wonderful to do nothing all day and then to rest afterwards”?  I just thought of another great quote that I like a lot.  It’s a Zen quote.  It goes “It’s better to do nothing than to be busy doing nothing”.  Although my wife would probably disagree, I am not really a lazy person.  I believe in doing whatever needs to be done.  What I dislike is unnecessary activity or busy work that other people think needs to be done.  If you want to do something, go do it, but don’t involve me in your need to “keep busy”.  I am a contemplative person and I like the quiet, boring life.  I like to watch grass grow and flowers bloom.  Watching paint dry is another favorite activity.  If my wife wants to go shopping at the Mall, I’m happy to sit on a bench for hours as I sip my Starbucks latte and watch people.  There’s way too much activity in life.  Much of it is a waste of time.  Maybe it’s because I am getting old but I prefer to just be.  I am like a potted plant.  Water me once a week and leave me alone. 

 

Life Is Our True Education

My youngest son was ordained to the priesthood almost two years ago.  It was a long journey that involved four years of college, four years of graduate school, summer internships, and lots of other training.  However, ordinations, graduations, getting a license to practice, etc., are just the end of the beginning.  The real work and the real education begins when you finally get out into the world and you deal with the reality of daily life.  It has always been my opinion that education gives you knowledge but life gives you wisdom.  No matter how smart you think you are or how prepared you feel, life will transform you in good and bad ways.  Life is tough and none of us get through it without some scrapes and bruises.  It is not my intension to be negative about life.  Life is a wonderful thing.  It is also a teacher and we do not always like what it teaches.  However, if we open minds and hearts it will teach us love, tolerance, patience, compassion, and humility.  It will also make us wise, understanding, accepting, and realistic.  Life has been my greatest teacher.  When I was thirty years old I could never have imaged the person I am now.  I don’t think God and life are done with me yet.  My transformation into who I am meant to be is not yet complete.  My son and others are in the beginning of their lives and they want to change the world.  I have more years behind me than I do in front of me.  In spite of this, I still want to change the world and many of my contemporaries want to do the same.  If you are young, listen to those of us who are further down the road of life than you.  If you are old, remind yourself that you don’t know everything.  The old need to also listen to the young.  Together we can all change the world and make it a better place.    

 

Compassion, Silence, Tolerance

In May of 2013 I saw the Dalai Lama for the second time along with other spiritual leaders of all the major faith traditions.  In addition to the Dalai Lama’s message of compassion, there were two other themes found in the different presentations.  One was silence and the other was tolerance.  You cannot have a serious spiritual life without an element of silence in your life.  The world and our own minds are noisy places.  Silence is not just the absence of sound.  In our world of over-stimulation, noise also takes the form of images, whether they be from television, billboards, or our smart phones.  All together the average person is bombarded with noise in the form of sound, images, and data.  It is disorienting, at times stressful, and almost always dissipating.  I once read that scientists are having a very difficult time finding any place on the face of the earth that is free of human “noise”.  It is important to find some physical quiet in our lives but even more important to quiet our minds.  As far as tolerance, the Dalai Lama made a strong point in his talk about everyone following their own faith and beliefs while being tolerant of other’s beliefs.  Christians, Jews, Buddhists, Hindus, Muslims, and other traditions should and can learn from one another.  I see religions in the image of a wheel.  The outer edges of the wheel represent all our different beliefs.  It is where we are often the furthest apart from one another and where the most disagreements occur.  The hub of the week is the deeper, contemplative center that is found in all major religions.  It is where we are closest to one another.  Most serious spiritual people strive to live in the center.  It is where I try to live and it’s where I experience union with other spiritual seekers.  I have my own beliefs but I also learn from all traditions and points of view.  Practice compassion, seek silence, quiet your mind, and be tolerant of all.   

The Habits Of Highly Mindful People

I once discovered something called the “Elements of the Mindfulness Attitude”.  I think they could also be called “The Habits of Highly Mindful People”.

 

The first element, or habit, is Non-Judging.

 

Taking the role of an impartial observer to whatever your current experience is.  This means not making a positive or negative evaluation of what is happening, just simply observing it.

 

It is so hard to not judge.  I once heard someone say “Don’t believe anything you hear and only half of what you see”.  In other words, almost nothing is what it seems.  Most of our opinions are based on perceptions and perceptions are often seen as truth in the eye of the perceiver.  How does one be truly objective and non-partial?  How can we remove the filters from our own eyes?  I haven’t achieved this yet.  Certainly the times I have become aware of my own misjudgments have been learning experiences.  I would also say the times I have been misjudged have also been learning experiences.  In my own journey of self-awareness I have become a little better at stepping outside of myself and observing my own behavior.  Of course, even when I do this it is still difficult to not judge myself.  I am a feeling type person with strong emotions.  It is difficult for me to remove my feelings from most situations.  Sometimes it helps to say to myself, “You’re having an emotional response.  What is really happening now”?  My experience is that it is not easy to be impartial and it is very challenging to simply observe what is going on around me.  I guess the only real progress I have made is by being more aware of my own emotions and how they can misrepresent reality.    

 

The second element or habit of the mindful person is Patience.  Patience is “cultivating the understanding that things must develop in their own time”.  Patience is a trait that usually comes easy for me.  Of course, what I call patience is sometimes seem by others as me being non-assertive.  Admittedly, one of my coping strategies in life is simply waiting things out.  Despite how I am sometimes seen by others, and acknowledging that I do sometimes act in dysfunctional ways, patience is a gift that I believe I has been given to me as part of my personality.  We live in an impatient world where everyone seems to be in a hurry and many people want everything yesterday.  I remember a joke from my days in project management.  It was said that it takes one woman nine months to give birth to a baby.  You cannot give birth to a baby in one month by using nine women.  In other words, “things must develop in their own time”.  Certainly there are situations in life that require a sense of urgency.  Things sometimes happen that require us to kick it up a notch.  However, not everything in life can be done quickly nor should they be.  You can open a can of soup and pop it in the micro wave for a quick and usually unsatisfying lunch.  You can also slow cook a variety of ingredients in your crock pot and have a culinary delight for dinner.  You can pressure cook your life or let it unfold naturally.  As I have said before, in a world of pressure cookers, I am a crock pot.  In the end, patience gains all things.  Move quickly when life demands it but if you are running and pushing all the time, it will catch up to you and you will regret it.     

 

The third element, or habit, of the mindfulness attitude is Beginner’s Mind.  What is beginner’s mind?  It is “having the willingness to observe the world as if it were your first time doing so.  This creates an openness that is essential to being mindful”.

 

Most adults have a difficult time having a Beginner’s Mind.  As we get older our minds become so filled, mostly with junk, that being open enough to have the curiosity of a child is very challenging.  When it comes to Beginner’s Mind, my greatest teacher is my ten year old granddaughter.  I spend time with her most weekends and during this time she teachers me to see life like a ten year old.  People with “Beginner’s Mind” tend to see life, not only with curiosity, but with simplicity.  When one sees life directly, and with the simplicity of a curious child, one is usually very present to the reality of the moment.  Life is not usually seen as complicated to a child.  It just is.  I remember once asking my granddaughter if she was happy.  At first she seemed confused by the question.  She looked at me as though she was wondering why I would ask such a silly question.  Her eyes said, “Paw Paw, isn’t being happy the normal way of being”?  Only someone with a “Beginner’s Mind” would think being happy is the normal way to be.  My granddaughter’s mind is open and fresh and her vision is pure.  She is full of curiosity and can be present to the moment in a way I can only hope to be.  Unfortunately she will likely grow up to be like the rest of us and she will lose this now effortless ability to be present.  At some point she will have to work to regain it just like her Paw Paw is doing now.   

 

The 4^th element, or habit, of mindfulness is Trust.  In this scenario trust is defined as “having trust in yourself, your intuition, and your abilities”.  So far we have talked about non-judging, being patience, and having a beginner’s mind.  When we are in the moment and present to our reality, not only do we have to be non-judging, patient, and childlike in our curiosity and openness, we also have to trust that the moment is as perfect as it can be.  Keep in mind that trusting that the moment is as perfect as it can be does not mean that the moment is perfect.  Rarely in our life is the moment perfect.  Many of our moments are imperfect and during those times we often must rely on ourselves, our intuition, and our abilities to deal with life’s challenges.  By having trust we believe in ourselves and our capacity to meet life’s challenges.  This is also a reminder that mindfulness is not living in oblivion and mindless bliss.  Mindfulness is being present to reality.  Certainly there are those blissful moments when all is well and life is beautiful.  However, there are also those moments where life is painful and challenging.  While we all want to experience the joy filled moments, we must be present to our more painful realities as well.  As someone told me the other day, if you want to experience life’s rainbows, you must also be willing to experience a few storms.      

 

The fifth element, or habit, of mindfulness is Non-Striving.  Non-Striving is described as “the state of not doing anything, just simply accepting the things that are happening in the moment just as they are supposed to”.  This is a very tough challenge for many people in our American culture.  We pride ourselves on being busy, productive, driven, and goal oriented people.  In addition to this many of us are also control freaks who want to alter the outcomes of as much as possible to suit our own agendas and needs.  The idea of non-striving and allowing life to unfold as it sees fit is almost abhorrent to us.  We spend a great deal of energy holding on when the best move might be to simply let go.  Many of us are wound a little tight because of the tension within ourselves that is caused by our driven, competitive, and controlling natures.  Keep in mind, however, that Non-Striving is not the same as being lazy or not caring.  I think Non-Striving is like white water rafting.  You don’t necessarily allow yourself to be tossed to and fro by the rapids of life.  You learn to be one with the running water.  Some of the time you just flow with it.  Other times you use your paddle to make the occasional course change to avoid crashing into a rock.  If you fight the river or attempt to change the course of the river you will eventually crash and sink your boat.  Those with skill learn to flow with the river and tap into its energy.       

 

The final element, or habit, of mindfulness is Acceptance.  In this scenario, acceptance is defined as  “completely accepting the thoughts, feelings, sensations, and beliefs that you have and understanding that they are simply those things only”. 

 

When it’s all said and done, a lot of mindfulness is accepting reality as it is without judging, with patience, with a child-like “Beginner’s Mind”, with trust in our personal abilities to deal with the moment, allowing life to unfold as it will by non-striving, and finally, what is often the most difficult part, acceptance.  Whatever our individual moments add up to be, for most of us they are not the moments we probably dreamed of in our youth.  I’ve always felt like most of my life was an accident.  The life I have is not really the life I wanted.  It is, however, the life I have.  Just because the life I have is not the realization of my early dreams does not mean it’s all bad.  I strive to not see anything as good or bad .  My life is what it is and many twists and turns brought me to this point.  I can bemoan the fact that it’s not everything I hoped for or I can accept it and strive to better understand why I am where I am and what I am supposed to do with what I have been given.  Such acceptance does not come easy and I am not totally there.  However, even my feelings must be accepted as “they are what they are”.     

 

Anticipating Moments

I am the kind of person that likes to always have something to anticipate.  It can be as simple as scheduling a day off in the middle of the work week.  Most of our lives are ordinary days so if you cannot find joy on a Tuesday, you probably won’t find it on a Saturday night either.  I am fine with the ordinary and I almost thrive in boredom.  Still, I find it nice to always have something to look forward to on my calendar.  Anticipation is a great feeling.  Occasionally it is better than the experience of what you were anticipating.  The feeling of anticipation, the sudden arrival of the anticipated, and the realization that all events pass quickly, remind me to also be in the moment.  Don’t rush life.  Savor it and enjoy it.  Don’t get caught up rushing from one experience to another.  Look forward to your life but don’t forget to enjoy it as it unfolds.  Life is like the experience of taking something out of a package.  Once it is out of the bag, it is almost impossible to put back into the bag in its original condition.  We don’t get many opportunities to do life over.  Be in the moment, enjoy the moment, but it is fine to also look forward to the next moment.