Thursday, August 20, 2009

What's On My Mind? Almost Nothing!

I seem to be getting lazier and lazier with this blog. It's late night as I write these thoughts, whatever they turn out to be. I'm doing the last of my son's laundry before he leaves for school tomorrow and I'm jamming to some Steve Ferguson and the Midwest Creole Ensemble. He's a local musician who got his start in a cult band called NRBQ. Truthfully, I am not really getting lazy about writing. The real truth is that I don't know what to write about anymore. I'm not complaining but my life is very boring right now. There's not much going on. I am pretty much reliving the same day over and over. My life really does seem like Groundhog Day. I get up too early, go to work, come home, often fall asleep in my chair, and then I stay up too late. Seconds after I close my eyes and fall asleep, the alarm goes off and I do it all over again. I'm not doing anything new or different. I haven't even been to a concert in months. This is the first summer since 1990 that I haven't made some kind of road trip to see a favorite band. I am also not reading much so I don't think about much. I still go to the monastery but those visits are usually quiet and uneventful. To be honest I am enjoying this quiet, low key life where I don't feel an obligation to give people their daily inspiration. Frankly, I don't feel very inspirational these days. Quite the opposite, I am feeling very ordinary and uninspiring. Of course, I am still capable of rising to the occasion and saying what others need to hear. Earlier this week as I was walking through the lunchroom at work, a co-worker asked for some words of encouragement and I was able to deliver. I am under no pressure to write and I have no writing obligations. In some ways that is nice but now I am not being challenged to think and reflect and share my insights. Like with most areas of my life, I do best when challenged. Without a challenge I tend to shrink away and be silent. I need to be pushed and encouraged. Perhaps I don't have enough personal assertiveness or drive to do much without others expecting it of me. Still, I cannot give up this blog. I know people all over the world read it. Just this week I had my 7000th visit. However, I very rarely get any response from my readers. I no longer have an sense of whether or not people even like what I write. I guess at this point I write mostly for myself while hoping it also has some value beyond my own need to write.

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