Wednesday, September 05, 2012

My Inner Life

It’s amazing to me how someone like myself, who has a simple and sometimes boring life, can also have an inner life that seems complex and which contains a wide spectrum of feelings and emotions. These thoughts and feelings provide the foundation for much of my writing. I must admit that I am not always completely honest in my writing. That doesn’t mean I am dishonest. It just means that I try to never write anything that has a negative or whining tone. Even when I am writing from my own pain, I try to use it in a way that encourages other people in their own struggles. I basically like it that I am a sensitive and introspective person. As Socrates’s once said, “The un-examined life is not worth living”. I would tend to agree with Socrates but much of the time I find all this self-examination and inner dialogue exhausting. Sometimes I look with envy at other people who seem to simply live and who don’t over-think life. Sometimes I wear myself out being me. Part of the reason I am into things like Zen and mindfulness is because of my own need to quiet my mind. I sometimes think that 90% of my spent energy occurs in my mind. My mind is my friend but it is also my enemy. I like it that my mind can take the feelings of my heart and turn them into words, especially words that bring hope and comfort to others. I hate it when my mind obsesses over thoughts and feelings and the endless self-editing of words that I may have written or spoken differently. I am a person of great feeling but sometimes I wish I could feel less. I assume, and hope, there are others who understand what I am saying. Of course, as my boss once said to me, “That’s what makes you Michael Brown”. Even the simplest of us are complex in our humanity and being. The good, the bad, and the ugly, is who we are. If I wasn’t the kind of person I am, with all my personal messiness, I could never write these daily thoughts.

No comments: