Sunday, March 18, 2018

A Question Of Balance

I am now into my third month of retirement and finally getting used to it.  The first two months were difficult and included bouts of loneliness, anxiety, depression, and boredom.  It was also a time when I felt forgotten even if that really wasn't the case.  Occasional lunches with friends and a couple of visits to my former workplace have helped.  My visit to the monastery last week was a major boost to my mood, so much so that I may go out there once a month just to breathe.  I realize there are some parts of my pre-retirement past that I need to let go.  However, there are other aspects, particularly with people and relationships, where I am not ready to say farewell yet.  Some will fall away naturally but others I hope never do.

Earlier I felt bored so I went outside and sat in the sun.  It is a beautiful day and the sun was warm.  I meditated for about twenty minutes before feeling compelled to sit at my desk and write these thoughts.

When I was a working man I lived for the weekends.  Now I dislike them.  The weekends now throw off all sense of balance and routine.  My wife has been home for three days but she is where I used to be and I am no longer there.  My granddaughter hasn't been with us this weekend either.  She is at my house 99% of the time on weekends and brings energy and life...sometimes too much...to my life.  There's nothing like a teenager to keep two old people alive.  Monday through Friday is now my personal weekend.  I am slowly developing a routine for myself.  I learned a long time ago that I need some routine and structure in my life in order to have a sense of balance.  This is why I didn't take advantage of working at home when I was still in the rat race of work.  If I had to work, I needed the discipline and structure of having to go into the office.  It sometimes felt like a prison but I needed it while I was a working man.  Part of my retirement struggle has been due to the lack of a disciplined and structured life.

Tomorrow is a new week and aside from a couple of scheduled lunches my plate is mostly empty.  This week I want to be more disciplined about getting out of the house.  I have yet to make it to the park five days in a row.  If it rains I will strive to make myself go to the Mall to walk.  It has become very evident to me that when I sit around too much I feel physically bad and I often think myself into depression.  The more active I am the better I feel physically and mentally.  I think I will soon seriously consider some volunteer opportunities.  However, I admit I have a fear of becoming overly committed to something.  I am free for the first time in my adult life and I can't go back to a life of no freedom.

Once again the word is balance.

On a side note, this weekend I received my DNA results from Ancestry.com.  I always thought I was mostly of an Irish background but it turns out that my DNA is 69% British, 10% Western European, 8% Irish/Scottish/Welsh and the rest from a variety of regions.  I am not sure what I think about all of this yet.  It is another piece of the puzzle that is my identity.

2 comments:

Mike said...

Nicely! I got laid off a few years ago and decided to give personal investing a try. I rather enjoy it, as I knew I would. Six hours can go by extremely fast. I do need to get outside (2-3 hours) for a walk, bike ride or tennis almost every day. It seems to really help a lot. I actually enjoy walking in the winter. There's something about it, perhaps what Thoreau said...

“Take long walks in stormy weather or through deep snows in the
fields and woods, if you would keep your spirits up. Deal with brute nature.
Be cold and hungry and weary.”


I also find answers when I listen to the Moody Blues. It's been that way for almost 40 years. I refer to them as the prophets of rock.

Good wishes :)

Joellyn Lalko said...

Hello from Humana! Glad I found your blog. Good to see you are doing well. :)