Saturday Compline...The Day Comes To An End

There is still daylight outside but today is essentially over, at least in this monastic world. It has been a very long day. Most of it has been spent in meetings discussing the practical challenges and frustrations of managing a spiritual lay group that now numbers 230 people in 30 states. I feel like I was in a meeting at my employer. There were disagreements and occasional emotional tension. People and their personalities are universal in their sameness. It doesn't matter if they are spiritual. Everyone has an agenda and everyone has buttons that other people push. I am not sure these people are any easier to manage than the people I encounter in my corporate world.

Before today's meetings started my day got off to an interesting start. Someone from my group had the idea that we would plant a tree in memory of any monks who passed away in the last year. It seemed like a simple and meaningful idea. However, I don't think any of we city folk realized that we would have to actually dig the hole. We were told to meet one of the still living monks across the highway from the monastery at what is called the family guesthouse. Most of us were freshly showered and ready for a meeting. The next thing I know Brother Conrad shows up in a pickup truck full of shovels, a pick, and buckets of mulch. Father Michael is driving a small tractor. If I had been chosen to swing the pick I may have needed bed rest for the remainder of the day. Brother Conrad, who is approximately 80 years old, could have worked circles around any of us. After sharing the labor and no one getting hurt, the main tree and a couple of saplings were planted.

My dinner tonight left something to be desired so I went downstairs to the dining room for a bowl of cheerios. There was still some daylight when I finished so I decided to take a walk through the part of the monastic cemetery. From my time in the monastery many years ago I knew most of the monks buried near Thomas Merton and also those buried in the newest section section of the cemetery. All of the monk's graves are marked with the same type of simple cross and plaque identifying them by name and date of death. I walked from cross to cross and quietly spoke a few words to each of them based on my particular memory of them. Almost all of these now dead monks, some more than others, touched my life when I was a young novice. In the evening, when the orange glow of the sun is setting behind the distant hills, the surrounding landscape has great beauty and peacefulness. This beauty has not diminished one bit in the many years that I have been visiting here.

Saturday Vigils

The day begins in the middle of the night if you follow the monastic schedule. At home I wouldn't even consider getting out of bed at this hour unless the house was on fire. When I am at the monastery I actually enjoy it. Admittedly, 3:00 AM is 3:00 AM no matter where you are. It just isn't natural to get out of bed at this hour. Sitting here, lost in the moment, however, seems so perfect. It is now 4:20 AM. Outside the darkness covers all the surrounding fields and woods. The wind occasionally howls and the gusts have blown away yesterday's humidity. At some point yesterday, in one of my quiet and restful moments, I had an imaginary conversation with God in my head...or was it real? In the conversation God said, "You thought by leaving the monastery you were getting off the hook, didn't you? You now think 30+ years of marriage, two grown children, a daughter in law, a beautiful granddaughter, your job and all the other demands and expectations of the world relieve you of what I expect, don't you? Michael, my son, you are wrong. By the way, I'm taking one of you sons because I need a priest. I still call you to myself and nothing and no one but me will completely satisfy you". I had no response. How can I argue with God? Sometimes I get angry with God but I can never win an argument.

Being in this Now moment and being in this place I think of yesterday's conversation...or was it a lecture from God? Whatever it was reawakens within me the deep realization that I don't always have my priorities straight or realistic expectations about many things. My entire life, in good times and bad times, stumbling along the spiritual path, when I am awake or when I am asleep, aware or unaware, consciously or unconsciously, I have been trying to follow the sound of God's voice calling me. I know, even when I do not want to believe it, that nothing and no one will fill my emptiness except God.

As if to say, "Yes, Michael, I think you finally get it", a clap of thunder followed my epiphany.

Richard Rohr, OFM, in his book entitled "Everything Belongs" says the following.

The contemplative secret is to learn to live in the now. The now is not as empty as it might appear to be or that we fear it may be.

Try to realize that everything is right here, right now. When we’re doing life right, it means nothing more than it is right now, because God is in this moment in a non-blaming way.

When we are able to experience that, taste it and enjoy it, we don’t need to hold on to it. The next moment will have its own taste and enjoyment.

From Everything Belongs, pp. 60, 61

Weekend At Gethsemani...Slowing Down

Yesterday I returned from three days at the Abbey of Gethsemani. Although a large part of my time was spent in meetings related to a lay association at the Abbey, I still managed to have some quality personal time in the silence and solitude of my room and in the quietness of the Abbey church. Although I did not have a lot of time for writing I did manage a few notes that I will now begin to share for those who may enjoy such reflections.

Friday...late night.

I am at the Abbey of Gethsemani. It is late night here. In the world it is about 9:20 PM. The night is quiet and dark outside my window except for the distant sounds of singing insects.

My eagerness to get out of the city and to be at the monastery was not completely practical. I arrived here at 8:30 AM after taking my wife to work, fighting the morning commute, and stopping for breakfast at a fast food restaurant. The retreat house rooms are not available to new arrivals until 11:30 AM. I wandered around for several hours in the interim. Whenever I arrive at the monastery, whether it be for a day or an extended stay, I begin with restlessness. It takes a while for my inner time clock to go into the slow mode. A retreat for me must begin with an application of my inner brake.

After I finally got in my room I spent some time in prayer and meditation. I started by using the Thomas Merton book entitled "A Book of Hours". It is based on the Liturgy of the Hours but uses only Merton's thoughts, prayers, and poetry. The prayers for today hit me like a ton of bricks. In part, the prayers for daytime had the following words, "Why should I cherish in my heart a hope that devours me...the hope for perfect happiness in this life...when such hope, doomed to frustration, is nothing but despair. My hope is in what the eye has not seen. Therefore, let me not trust in visible rewards. My hope is in what the heart cannot feel. Therefore let me not trust in the feelings of my heart. My hope is in what the hand has not touched. Do not let me trust in what I can grasp between my fingers".

It is now late and I am very tired. I am off to bed if there is any hope of joining the monks at 3:15 AM for their night "Vigils".

"In the end the contemplative suffers the anguish of realizing that he no longer knows what God is".
-Thomas Merton
from New Seeds of Contemplation

Going Up To The Country

The title of tonight's blog is actually the name of one of my favorite hippie anthem's by the legendary 60's band "Canned Heat". I am going up, actually down, to the country but I'm not going to Woodstock. Quite the opposite....

Today started out as a very rainy day. Big Surprise! By noon the rain had stopped although it was still overcast. I slipped out of the office and drove over to the Veteran's Hospital where my friend, Wayne, is a chaplain. Every month or so we meet for lunch. Wayne and I seem to connect and I find him very enjoyable to be with. We talk mostly of the spiritual life and some of our personal struggles. He is also very encouraging about my writing on this blog. That helps me a lot because there are certainly days when I wonder why the hell I do this. My thoughts today are going to be rather short. It's Thursday night and tomorrow I am going to the Abbey of Gethsemani. I will be there until Sunday afternoon. I am really looking forward to it. As usual when I take a trip, I haven't packed a thing. I just woke up a few minutes ago from an unplanned nap. I've been home alone and unsupervised most of the night. My wife is out with friends and my son also had dinner with friends. Just a moment ago he pulled into the driveway from wherever he was. It's been a pleasant evening though some if it was lost to the time travel experience of sleeping. When I go to the monastery I will not have access to a computer so you won't be hearing from me for a few days. I'm sure when I return I will have stories to tell and things to write about. Be back soon....

Beauty Can Be Found Anywhere

Today was another overcast and rainy day. I'm starting to feel like I live in the rain forest. I haven't checked the extended weather forecast but I am hoping for some sunny and dry days while I am at the monastery this weekend. Today was also a quiet day. I met an old high school buddy for lunch. We discussed how unreal it seems that we are having a 40th high school reunion in the fall. Can it really have been so long ago that we drove around in cars, drinking beer on the sly, and blasting rock and roll music? By the time I got out of high school I was smoking pot, dropping acid, and growing my hair long. These days I feel like I'm getting wild if I drink two Diet Cokes and order an extra topping on my pizza. Our lunch was at one of my favorite restaurants. They have an awesome fried fish sandwich. It's one of my few concessions to my attempt at healthy living. The restaurant is in a part of downtown that's a little blighted. As I was walking back to my car I heard the heavenly sound of flute music in the air. I stopped to see where it was coming from and on a nearby corner stood a street musician who was possibly homeless. It reminded me that beauty can be found anywhere.

One more workday and I will have some personal freedom. I look forward to temporarily escaping secular time and living for a bit in the sacred time and rhythm of the monastery. It is always renewing for me when I am there. It also often gives me a new appreciation for the life I have in the world. Sometimes you can be too close to your own life to appreciate it. Stepping back and getting away, even if it's only for a few days, can change your whole perspective on life.

Here's something I read tonight by an old friend and teacher from my youth. His name is Father Richard Rohr. He is a Franciscan priest, renowned preacher, and author. He taught me much in my youth and I am still learning from him.

As Eckhart Tolle points out in The Power of Now, we don’t have to be in a certain place or even a perfect person to experience the fullness of God. God is always given, incarnate in every moment and present to those of us who know how to be present ourselves.

Strangely enough, it is often imperfect people and people in quite secular settings who encounter “The Presence” (Parousia, “fullness”). That pattern is rather clear in the whole Bible.

Let’s state it clearly: One great idea of the biblical revelation is that God is manifest in the ordinary, in the actual, in the daily, in the now, in the concrete incarnations of life, and not through purity codes and moral achievement contests, which are seldom achieved anyway.

From Things Hidden: Scripture as Spirituality, pp. 16

Sitting In The Dark

Today was a very busy but good day. My day got off to a good start. The early morning air was cool and refreshing as I walked outside to get my morning paper. The morning commute was under bright sunlight and a cloudless sky. I was busy all day but the activity was enjoyable. Most of it was meeting individually with members of my staff who actually work at home. I usually meet with them about once a month so they don't lose touch with the office and I don't lose touch with them. I always enjoy the conversations. After work I had to fight the evening commute for about an hour before meeting up with two of my brothers and one of my sisters. We were going together to visit another family member who is once again hospitalized due to mental health issues. It was a good visit but the road to recovery will be a long one. Now I am home, sitting at my little desk, as the day draws to it's conclusion. The sun has set and a gentle breeze occasionally blows in my window. All is quiet in the neighborhood.

Speaking of quiet...

I will be rising at my usual time on Friday but instead of going to work I will be driving to the monastery for a three day, two night visit. I am looking forward to it in spite of the fact that part of the weekend will be taken by meetings and discussions. I really wish I was going to simply be alone in the quiet and the solitude. When I am not part of meetings and discussions, I will spend as much time as possible in the early morning and late night hours sitting in the dark. I have been troubled a lot in recent weeks and months. I have probably not been as connected with God as I usually am. I need some time from my regular life to simply sit in silence. One of the best ways for me to connect with "the Other" is to be silent and still. The monk's day begins with prayers called Vigils at 3:15 AM. Yes, you read that correctly. When I stay at the monastery I always join them. My favorite time at the monastery is the dark and quiet time after these prayers. Generally, that's about 4:00 AM. I leave the large Abbey church and go to the dining room where I toast some whole wheat monk bread and drink some coffee. Afterwards I grab a second cup of coffee and go outside where I sit in the garden and listen as the new day approaches. Sometimes I also sit by the goldfish pond or under the Gingko tree. There in the quiet and in the darkness, God speaks to my heart. This is one of my favorite experiences in life. I know at times I am probably a scandal to some people with my questioning mind and Zen Buddhist mentality but I am also still very much in touch with the Christian God that I have known my entire life. Admittedly, I am less in touch with the church that thinks they own him. The God of the dark night and the star filled sky, who loves the quiet as much as me, always shows up when I am sitting outside in the cool, predawn darkness with my steaming cup of freshly brewed coffee. We have a great time not talking but listening to one another.

Desert Spirituality

As George Carlin used to say, "I'm not sick, I just don't feel good". It's a typical Monday morning and I'm moving a little slow. I continue to be astonished at how quickly weekends seem to pass. It seems like I was just sitting in an Italian restaurant with my wife enjoying a delicious pizza. That was Friday night. In what seems like the blink of an eye I am back at work and now it's Monday. I am dragging a bit. My leg aches and I am not sure why plus I have no energy. Part of that may be from a lack of quality sleep over the weekend. Whenever my granddaughter spends the night I never sleep well. She always sleeps with my wife and me and most of the night she is all over the place and I am hanging on the side of the bed. It's a small price to pay for the enjoyment of her visits. She is so sweet and loving and it does touch me deeply when she says "I love you, Pa Paw"! She is growing up so fast. I want to enjoy every moment I can with her. She is my only grandchild and the prospects for more are bleak. When you only have two children, and one is studying to be a priest, your chances for multiple grandchildren are slim.

From a spiritual perspective, much of the way I have been feeling in recent weeks and months could be described as "being in the desert". Desert spirituality is very strong in the Catholic tradition although most everyday Catholics have no idea what it means. Monasticism is rooted in the desert spirituality of the 2nd and 3rd centuries. When I think of desert spirituality I think of those moments in your life where you feel as though you are just wandering around, feeling lost. I also think of those moments where you feel empty, unmotivated, unloved, and lonely. In such moments God seems to be hiding. My life is full of such moments though many might wonder why. I don't think these feelings are necessarily a reflection on any of the people in my life or on God. My feelings don't imply a failure on their part. If anything, they reflect a failure on my part. Is life empty? Why am I unmotivated? Is there a reason I feel unloved and lonely? Is God hiding? It's very easy in such moments to think that no one really cares about me. Although I know there are people who care about me, I think there is something much deeper going on. When life feels empty, when we feel lonely and unloved, when we feel as though we are wandering in the desert and that God is hiding, I think God is telling us that nothing in this life can fill our needs except him...or her. I am reminded of all of this one more time because of a new book I am reading called "The Hermitage Within". As long as I have been trying to live spiritually, you would think that I would get it by now. But, as the title of this blog suggests, I am continuously "stumbling along the spiritual path". My life is a continual series of awakenings. One more time it is a spiritual dawn and I am slowly seeing the light.