Some Thoughts On Empathy

“The act of compassion begins with full attention, just as rapport does.  You have to really see the person.  If you see the person, then naturally empathy  arises.  If you tune into the other person, you feel with them, you want to help them, and that begins as a compassionate act”.

-Daniel Goleman

I recently read an article about people who have empathy.  What is empathy?  It is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.  When I took a test called “Strength Finders” empathy came out as my number one strength.  I have found this to be both a blessing and a curse.  On the one hand it is a blessing because I generally know and understand how other people feel.  Knowing how people feel makes it easier to be compassionate.  On the other hand I sometimes find it exhausting to absorb the feelings of other people around me, especially when they are troubled or in pain.  The article I read about empathy focused on the fatigue that empathetic people often feel.  We tend to be sponges for other people’s feelings and it can sometimes be a heavy load to carry.  Since I am an empathic person let me clarify a few things.  Just because I understand your feelings doesn’t necessarily mean I care or that I feel sorry for you.  Empathy and sympathy are not the same thing.  Sympathy is when you have feelings of pity and sorrow for someone else's misfortune.  It is possible to understand another person’s feelings without feeling pity or sorrow for them.  You can also feel pity and sorrow for them and have absolutely no idea how they feel.  Whether you understand people’s feelings or feel sympathy for their experience, you can still show compassion for them.  The first step in being a compassionate person is to simply be a kind person.  We can all be kind.  Kindness is more of an attitude than a strength although some people seem to be especially gifted when it comes to showing kindness.  Whatever your strength or gift, you need to realize that everyone is carrying some kind of burden.  No one is without challenges. 

 

Losing Our Minds

Sometimes I think my wife and I are both losing our minds.  We met one of our sons for dinner on Monday night.  While sitting in the restaurant I noticed the clouds were very dark and a storm was brewing.  As we left the restaurant it was starting to sprinkle.  As soon as we pulled our car out into the traffic my wife shouted, “O my God!  Where’s my glasses”?  She has this bad habit of taking her glasses off and setting them on the table in restaurants.  By this time we are in rush hour traffic but close to home.  Since she couldn’t remember if she had even wore them to the restaurant, we decided to drive home and see if her glasses were there.  Naturally, they were not at home so we headed back to the restaurant.  By the time we got to the end of our street it was raining so hard I could barely see the front of my car.  It was a little scary so I decided to drive around the block and go back home.  By this time it was also hailing.  We pulled into the driveway and my wife grabbed her umbrella and ran into the house.  I then jumped out of the car and also ran into the house.  The rain felt like ice water being poured down my back.  Once in the house I looked outside and wondered why my car lights weren’t turning off.  I then realized I didn’t have my car keys.  Apparently I jumped out of the car and left it running in the driveway.  Back into the cold rain I went to turn off the car.  I guess losing your glasses and leaving your car running in the driveway are part of the aging process.  My father in law once left his car running all night in the parking lot of a restaurant.  He had been drinking so he decided to take a cab home.  Unfortunately he forgot to turn off his car first.  My mother in law was not happy with him the next morning when they went to pick up his car and it was still running.  As far as my wife’s glasses, it turned out the glasses had been left at the restaurant so we had to stop there on the way to work Tuesday morning to pick them up.  Dear God…. 

Living In The Light Of Eternity

“I have been reading all day, confined to my room, and I feel tired.  I raise the screen and face the broad daylight.  I move the chair on the veranda and look at the blue mountains.  I draw a long breath, fill my lungs with fresh air and feel entirely refreshed.  I make tea and drink a cup or two of it.  Who would say I am not living in the light of eternity?

-D.T. Suzuki

 

This is one of my favorite quotes and I believe it perfectly describes what I would call a Zen moment.  We all spend a great deal of our lives in a frenzy.  The demands of life pull us in many directions, often at the same time.  It is becoming increasingly more difficult to find those quiet moments in our day when we can “live in the light of eternity”.  I start my work days by quietly sitting for about 20 minutes being one with eternity and my morning coffee.  When my work day is over and I am finally back home, I sit in my chair once again and I breathe.  Recently at work I was happy to discover that Building Management had scattered soft and comfortable chairs in various parts of the building so individuals can have quiet moments for reading, reflecting, or simply staring into space.  Sometimes after a walk outside, I spent some time in one of these chairs before heading back upstairs to my desk.  We all need to find these moments in our day or we will lose our sanity.  Most people have never lived in a monastery like I once did.  However, we can all find our “inner monk” and spend some time in silence and solitude.  Even if you are an extrovert, I think you will like it.  Spend some time finding your stillpoint and go there whenever you can.  It is the pause that refreshes.   

 

The Maintenence Of Life

Earlier this week I went to my dentist for my routine teeth cleaning.  The woman who cleaned my teeth is 80 years old.  I found out later that she told my wife I was way too young to even think about retirement.  Anyway, while I was in the dentist’s chair trying to be a man and not kick out the ceiling lights with my feet, I could not help but think how much of life is maintenance.  When something is full, we empty it.  When some things are empty, we fill them.  We wash and dry our clothes before we fold them and put them away.  As soon as they are all in drawers or closets, we start wearing them again and start the process over.  We clean the bathroom and vacuum the floors.  The grass needs to be mowed and the trash taken out.  Did I mention the weekly recycle bin?  Don’t even get me started on the maintenance of a 66 year old body.  One of my least favorite chores is going to the grocery store.  Have you have realized how many times you touch your grocery items before they actually end up in your pantry or refrigerator?  Let me break it down for you…..

Take items off the shelf or out of the case and put them in your grocery cart.

Walk a minimum of 10,000 steps because the store is constantly re-organizing and moving stuff and you are always a little lost.

Take everything out of your grocery cart and put it on the checkout conveyer so it can be scanned. 

Hold your breath in anticipation for the final bill.

Put everything into bags and re-load your grocery cart.

Unload your grocery cart into the trunk of your car.

Unload the trunk of your car and carry all the bags into your house.

Pile everything on your kitchen table.

Unload the bags and sort your groceries for their appropriate final destination, i.e. cabinets, pantry in the laundry room, or refrigerator.

Put all the plastic grocery bags into your re-cycle bin.

Drink one of the beers you bought at the grocery that night.   

Wake Up Call

I had a medical emergency last week.  My blood pressure went haywire and spiked unexpectedly.  This never happened to me before so I wasn’t sure what was going on.  I have taken blood pressure medication for years.  After a visit with my doctor he determined it was time to adjust my dosage.  I am feeling fine now but I must admit I had a few moments of panic and couldn’t help but wonder if I was going to that great gig in the sky.  I also had a few moments of anger because I had tickets to a Roger Waters concert at the Yum Center on Sunday night and I didn’t want to miss the show because I was in the hospital or worse.  The good news is that I made the concert with two old friends that I have known since we were teen-agers.  After the concert we hung out at my house and actually stayed up till 2:00 AM.  That alone should have killed all three of us.  We’re not too old to rock and roll and still too young to die but we do need our sleep.  Thank God Monday was a holiday and I got to sleep in.  On a more serious note, a brush with possible death is a wakeup call.  I am at the age when dying wouldn’t be a total shock even if it was unexpected.  Last week was a reminder to live well and enjoy every moment.  It was also a reminder not to be stupid and to take care of my health.  I rarely get sick enough to miss work but I do have some ongoing health issues.  Whether you are young or old, take care of yourself and pay attention to how you feel.  If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t right and needs to be checked out.  Better safe than sorry.  For the next few weeks I will be extra vigilant because I have tickets to a U2 concert and Bono is expecting me to be in the audience.       

The Road To Success Is Paved With Work

“Wanderer, your footsteps are the road and nothing more; wanderer, there is no road, the road is made by walking”.

Antonio Machado

 

“Power is the capacity to translate intention into reality and then sustain it”.

-Warren Bennis

 

In my life I have noticed that everyone wants to know the way.  Everyone wants to know how to get somewhere.  Everyone wants to know the secret to success.  The way to get anywhere is to get going.  Don’t look for a path.  Rather, make your own path.  Rarely does anything good or valuable come easy.  You have to know what you want and then translate your intention and goal into reality.  Once achieved it must be maintained and sustained.  I’ve had some success in life and I have a comfortable lifestyle.  No one gave it to me.  I started working when I was 16 years old bagging groceries in a small mom and pop grocery store.  I worked after school and often on weekends.  Quite frankly, it was the only way I could keep up with my rich friends.  When I received my first paycheck I bought a pair of shoes that were too expensive for my parents to buy for me.  It took almost my entire paycheck.  Eventually I bought my first car and even paid my own car insurance.  That first car was a 1962 VW Beetle that cost $900.  It drove me and my hippie friends to all kinds of places our parents never knew about.  My wife and I have been getting out of bed and heading to our respective jobs for 42+ years.  Many days neither of us wanted to do it but we were mature enough to use whatever power reserves we had to “translate intention into reality and then sustain it”.  Our intention is to stay employed so we can continue to have a comfortable life.  The older we get the less we want to do this.  I am certainly no super human.  I am often unmotivated, lazy, resistant, rebellious, and lacking in direction.  I am what some people would call an under achiever.  However, my wife and I had hard working parents who gave us a strong work ethic.  You don’t have to be a superstar to be successful in life.  You do, however, have to get up and show up.  The road you need to make by walking is the road to work.  

Treat Every Moment As Your Last

Treat every moment as your last.  It is not a preparation for something else.  Wherever you are, you are one with the clouds and one with the sun and the stars you see.  You are one with everything.  This is more true than I can say and more true than you can hear.

-Shunryu Suzuki

Zen Mind, Beginners Mind.

 

Empty handed I entered the world.

Barefoot I leave it.

My coming, my going,

Two simple happenings that got entangled.

-Kozan

 

I really like these quotes.  It is not because I am closer to the end of my life than I am to the beginning.  Shunryu Suzuki reminds us that every moment of our lives is important.  Most of us waste much of our lives in pursuits that are often frivolous or unnecessary.  Others spend their entire life preparing for the future and they never truly live in the present.  Just recently I used a strong metaphor in a conversation with my wife.  I told her she is always loading her gun but she never pulls the trigger.  What I was saying is that we have to quit talking all the time about what we are going to do and just do it.  I saw a meme on Facebook the other day that said “Life is short.  Buy the damn concert tickets”!   Whether we are young or old we need to ask ourselves on a regular basis “What are we waiting for”?  Yes, sometimes you have to plan but don’t spend your entire life planning.  Sooner or later, and preferably sooner, you have to implement your dreams.  Originally I thought I would be retired by now.  When I decided to keep working for a while I told my wife that if I was going to continue working, and now that I have more money than I’ve ever had, I am going to do more.  If I want something I will buy it.  I will go on nicer vacations and take them more often.  I’m running out of days so the time for more action is now.  I was out walking the other day while at work.  Each day now there are food trucks everywhere.  People seem to love them.  One of the food trucks had a funny slogan painted on it.  It said, “I don’t want to look back some day and think I could have eaten that”!  We are all given a finite period of time in this life.  Some get more than others and no one knows how long they will be given.  I have already been given much more than many.  Empty handed I entered this world and barefoot I will leave it.  In the time between I want to be one with the clouds and the sun and the stars.  I’m going to the damn concerts too!