Feelings Of Loneliness

I have never felt truly lonely in my life until I retired.  Ironically, retirement is supposed to be one of the best times of your life.  You've run the race and crossed the finish line.  Now it is time to celebrate.  I must be honest and say the last three months have not felt like a party, a vacation, or a celebration.

Loneliness is not so much the absence of people as it is the feeling that you have been forgotten.  It is the sense that everyone who was ever part of your life has moved on and left you behind.  Occasionally I find myself sitting around, feeling sorry for myself, and wondering if any other human being ever thinks of me.

I know I have a personality type that has a basic fear of having no identity or personal significance.  My personality type often feels different from others but does not really want to be alone.  What is my current identity?  What is my current significance?  As I write these thoughts I am doing the laundry.  Is that my new purpose?  Who am I and what is my purpose when no one else is around?  Who really cares and who really needs me?  Everyone seems to be doing fine without me.  

Intellectually, I know that most of my struggles since retiring are in large part because of the kind of person I am.  It is painful to admit that I am a little needier and insecure than I like to admit.  I think I need an audience, some attention, occasional feedback, and acknowledgement that I exist and matter.  I cannot live in my own vacuum.  There is not enough air and I am feeling light headed.

Some of you who read these thoughts know me personally and will think, "How can Michael possibly feel like this?  He's such a great guy"!  Believe me when I say that I never expected to feel like this either.  I know I can't expect other people to pump me up every day.  However, I now realize people did this for me on a regular basis.  I used to receive a lot of positive affirmation from a lot of people.  When I still worked some people jokingly referred to me as a "legend".  In reality I was a little overrated but I did have a good reputation and I enjoyed a decent level of popularity.  Now I feel like I am in exile.

Hopefully, I will work through this sooner or later.  I may be impatient with myself.  Of course, I do wonder how many of my fears are based on reality or just my own mind punishing me.  Our own minds are often our worst enemy.  How many of us on a daily basis feel like Jesus in the desert when the devil is tempting him with various questions.  I can sometimes hear the voices when they say, "Who told you that you matter to anyone?  Who told you that you made a difference in anyone's life?  Who told you that people will care when you are no longer doing something for them?  

I am grateful for writing.  In recent months much of my writing may have seemed negative.  I'm sure some of you expected me to write more about the joys of retirement.  In all fairness, there have been some good days and moments.  In all truthfulness, it has mostly been a struggle.  I write about it because I know that other people have had similar difficulty adjusting to the retired life.      

Some Thoughts On Love

In 1970 Eric Clapton, one of my all time favorite musicians, released an album called Layla And Other Assorted Love Songs.  The entire album was inspired by his unrequited love for the wife of his best friend.  His best friend was George Harrison, who, of course, was one of the Beatles.  One of the songs on the album was called "Why Does Love Got To Be So Sad"?  Eventually Eric got the girl but eventually he also lost the girl.

Is love sad?  I don't know about sad but it can be painful.

I believe all of our lives are a continuous search for love.  We all want to be loved and feel loved.  This is the rub.  Being loved and feeling loved are not the same thing.  When I was somewhere in my fifties I began to realize that the great inner struggle of my life was the feeling that no one really loved me and I often felt rejected.  I know, or at least I believe, that many people do love me.  However, as some people say, I wasn't feeling the love or the acceptance.

Why do so many people feel unloved?

Most of our ideas about love are idealistic and not grounded in reality.  Romantic love often draws people together but many times is the first thing to go in long term relationships.  When the babies are born, the careers are taking off, and the world is kicking your ass, life doesn't usually feel very romantic.  Hats off to any couple who has maintained romantic love over the long haul.  I honestly think they are few and far apart.  It is common for some people to find true love later in life when the tasks of living are mostly behind them.

Our search for love is highly influenced by our experience of love or the lack of love.

My parents and family rarely showed love to one another as I was growing up.  Some of my siblings may disagree with me but this is how it looked from my perspective.  We were not a warm and fuzzy family who expressed a lot of emotion.  I honestly cannot remember being told I was loved or ever being hugged as a child.  As a teenager I was always falling in love with girls who eventually broke my heart.  As an adult, people sometimes tell me they love me.  Some people love me who don't even know me.  They love my public persona as the writer.  Other people love me who know me personally but they don't really know the real me.  Some people may love me but I don't know it.  Other people love me in a real way but it might feel very abstract to me.  

Some psychologists say that our personalities became what they are because we subconsciously think we need to act a certain way in order for other people to love us.  If I am perfect, people will love me.  If I am loving, people will love me.  If I am successful, people will love me.  If I am different, people will love me.  If I am smart, people will love me.  If I am dependable, people will love me.  If I am fun, people will love me.  If I am strong, people will love me.  If I am peaceful and calm, people will love me and on and on and on.

It is not enough to love people in your heart.  They have to know and feel they are loved.  Love is not meant to be abstract.  Don't assume the people in your life know they are loved.  Chances are that they don't.  With love I think we are all a little insecure.  Show the love you feel.

Getting Out Of The House Part II

Earlier this week I had a birthday and turned 67 years old.  No one is more shocked than me to be this age.  These days I am feeling very old.

I have now been retired for nearly three months.  Although I am slowly getting used to it, it may be the hardest thing I have ever done.  The only thing that may be harder is unemployment without any money coming in.  I am grateful that I do not need to work and that I do have money.  Interestingly enough, I now think working was much easier than being retired.  Although there are aspects of retirement I enjoy, in other ways I hate it.  This has been a shock to me.  I thought it would be easier.  Two hard truths I have learned in retirement is that I am prone to loneliness and depression.  I have always enjoyed limited solitude but was not prepared for the loneliness of being home alone every day.  Last night I was watching the television show called "Survivor".  One player, in a private moment, said that when she retired from the military she felt like she had lost all her friends.  This was followed by a divorce which made her realize she was totally alone.  I am still married but I totally understand her feelings.  When I stopped working I felt like I had lost all my friends.  Additionally, as long as I worked, I always had a best friend.  Now I don't and I miss having a confidant I can talk to about whatever is on my mind.  I have always been a person prone to moodiness and melancholy even if most people didn't notice it.  Some days of my retirement I have been very depressed.  It doesn't help that it seems like it has snowed, rained, or been overcast most days.  I feel like I can count on one hand the sunny days I have experienced since retirement.  On those rare days I usually feel much more upbeat.

To fight all these negative feelings I make myself get out of the house every day.  Most days I go to a local Mall and I walk.  The Mall is bright, colorful, and has some life even if it is mostly other old people probably feeling like me or young mothers pushing their small children around in strollers.  When I am at the Mall I can get some exercise while thinking all the thoughts I cannot write about in a public blog such as this one.  I am often overwhelmed with thoughts and feelings about my life.  This is an unfortunate occurrence for introspective people such as me.  I have often written about the joy of just being but on a personal level it is extremely difficult for me to do.  Just as my body needs some daily exercise, my mind needs to also air itself out.

I am generally a strong person but these days I am being tested in ways I never expected.  I do feel like I am truly on my own although I know there are people who care about me.  I don't mean this to be negative but you really can't depend on other people to get you through your own life.  Sooner or late you have to stand on your own two feet.

Always Be Kind

Over the weekend I was driving home from the movies.  My granddaughter was in the car with me.  When I stopped at a stop sign I saw a young Muslim woman with small children.  I waved to her and indicated that she could cross the street safely because I saw her.  As she walked by I smiled at her and she smiled back.

As we continued our drive my granddaughter said, "That was very nice of you, Paw Paw".  I said, "Chloe, you should always be kind when you have the opportunity".  After a slight pause she added, "You know, Paw Paw, you never know how much it affects another person's day when you are nice to them".  I am so happy that Chloe sees the impact of kindness to other human beings.  Maybe having a hippie grandfather with a Buddhist heart is paying off.

We live in a society that is often hostile.  People are tired, cranky, and stressed out.  People call one another names and flip one another off.  Many people live in the world as though no one else is in it.

Sometimes, all we need is a little kindness.  Imagine a world where everyone practiced random acts of kindness and senseless beauty.  I want to walk through my life seeing the world as a beautiful place where kindness is so common that you don't even notice it.  This is the kind of world I want my granddaughter and others to also live in every day.  If each of us practiced mindfulness as continuous acts of kindness, what a wonderful world it would be.  

When in doubt, just be nice.  I have never regretted a single act of kindness. 

Being Productive

I spent nearly half my life working for a major corporation.  Most of that time I was in management.  The most commonly heard word over the years was productivity.  At the end of the day it was all about the numbers.  Some numbers were too high while other numbers were too low.  Daily life was a juggling act to balance the numbers appropriately.  I actually had a reputation with many people as a numbers guy.  There was also talk about the need to develop people and help them to grow but the underlying intent was to make them more productive.  The image of Lucy and Ethel working on the candy wrapping assembly line is not too far from the truth.

Nearly three months into my retirement I still feel the need and pressure to be productive.  I need to read more books, do more meditation, watch more documentaries, play more music, take more walks, do more chores, write more "Daily Thoughts", etc.  It is difficult to break the cycle of a lifetime of constant pressure to be productive.  Most days my wife asks me "What did you do today"?

Theoretically, I believe in leisure.  There is even a school of thought that considers leisure as a sacred thing.  However, it is challenging to do nothing and still feel like you are doing something of value with your time.  I know that wasting time is not necessarily a bad thing but the reality is that so far in my retirement I have yet to spend a day doing nothing.  Would the world stop spinning if I didn't take a walk in the park?

I do not want to spend the rest of my life sitting in a chair and staring out my window.  I also do not want to spend the rest of my life driven to fill my day with endless activities.  At my age do I really need to feel a sense of accomplishment?  Are the primary tasks of my life not already accomplished?  I became an adult, got married, stayed married, started and finished a career, raised my children, and saved my money.  What else has to be done?  What else is truly necessary?  When do I get to finally relax?  Even though I am retired, I am not yet relaxed.

My Buddhist knowledge tells me I need to just let everything go and focus my attention on what is essential.  This is challenging because it is not always easy to determine who and what is truly essential.

Life demands movement.  Movement demands action.  Action usually involves a task.  A task is something that needs to be accomplished and accomplishments require some level of productivity.

I guess it all gets back to balance.  When I find the balance, I will feel the relaxation.  

The Greatest Mystery

The greatest mystery in the universe is women.  Even Stephen Hawking was stumped when asked about women. 

I don't have a particular issue or question at the moment but I do think about this from time to time. 

Are women really from Venus and men from Mars?

A male friend, who is gay, once told me he had a problem with women.  I said, "Dude, I'm straight and I have a problem with women".

Most of my career I mostly managed women.  It was like having twenty wives at a time.  With the men, nothing was ever a big deal.  With most of the women, everything was a big deal.

I was walking through a book store once and I saw a book lying on a table of discounted books.  One caught my eye and it was titled Everything I Know About Women.  It was written by a man.  I opened up the book and all the pages were blank.  I am not making this up.

Who knows what women want?  I have misunderstood or misinterpreted almost everything any woman I have ever know has ever said or done.  To be fair, maybe I am the problem.

In all honesty, I love women.  I prefer the company of women over men.  Women seem to like me.  However, I still don't understand women.  Even my dearly loved granddaughter is becoming more and more of a mystery to me.

I guess some mysteries are never meant to be solved.     

Getting Out Of The House

I am trying to get out of the house at least once a day for some exercise. 

Admittedly, I tend to prefer passive activities like reading, listening to music, or watching films. 

This week I have begun watching Ken Burns massive documentary on the Vietnam war.  It is not something you can binge watch.  I can only watch one or two discs per day.  At times it is difficult viewing.  Although I was not in the military, Vietnam looms large in my consciousness.  In my youth there was still a draft and many of my generation, including me, protested the war.

I have many new books to read but cannot seem to muster the focus to read them.

As much as I love music, I do not blast rock and roll all day.  My early mornings are mostly silent.

Although today is the first day of Spring, and yesterday the temperature was in the low 60's, we now have a winter storm watch and may get as much as five inches of snow tonight.  We may also get zero inches of snow.  Weather is very unpredictable in my part of the world.

Most days the weather is overcast and cold.  On such days the park can be a lonely and bleak place.  This week I have been opting for walking at the Mall.  There are not many people there except the shop keepers and older people like me trying to get some exercise.  It is warm, bright, and seemingly full of life.  It lifts my mood.  If you want you can take a break at Starbucks or on one of many benches.  So far I have successfully walked past the Cinnabon store.

When I left the Mall I went to Barnes & Noble to look for a CD that I didn't find.  I decided to grab a bite to eat at the Starbucks within the store.  I ordered a panini sandwich.  My advice to Starbucks is to focus on coffee.  Sandwiches are not their strength.

My last stop was a pop in at Kroger for some trash bags and butter before gassing up the car.

This is my life now.  Try not to be too envious.

Time for a nap before I take a shower....