What Is Really Important?

One of the reasons I like to be on vacation is that there are few expectations of me. Whenever I am at work I must be here, do that, explain this, or meet a variety of other expectations. Some expectations seem clear and others do not. Many expectations seem realistic while a few do not. At the end of the day I understand the words of Abraham Lincoln who said, “You can please all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time, but you cannot please all of the people all of the time”. Of course, expectations are not only part of the workplace. Everyone has expectations of us in every area of our lives. It is one of life’s great challenges to please others because it is difficult to be all things to all people. I like to believe that I am doing the best I can, whether it’s at work or at home, to meet the reasonable expectations of others. I also like to believe that everyone else is doing the same. This attitude helps be to be kind to myself and tolerant of others.

Earlier this week my wife and son had something to do together so guess who took care of my granddaughter? She had come home earlier that day from the daycare and was a little under the weather. I asked her if she would like to watch a movie so she picked “A Christmas Story”. I’m not sure I’ve ever watched that in July before. It was refreshing to see all the snow on such a hot day. This is one of my favorite Christmas movies because it reminds me very much of my childhood. I love spending time with my granddaughter. She always brings me back to reality. When I am with her I can forget my troubles and live in her world for a while. Like many parents and grandparents I look at the world we live in and wonder what the future holds for the younger generation. I wonder what kind of woman my granddaughter will grow up to be. I wonder how much of her life I will be here to see. Selfishly, I would like her to stay seven years old forever. Alas, neither of us can stop time. All we can do is enjoy the moment and try not to shoot our eye out!

As you go through your day do you ever wonder and ask yourself “What is really important”? In my experience today’s crisis is tomorrow’s bump in the road. Today’s obsession is tomorrow’s low priority. I know I sometimes obsess over things. The reality of what’s really important is sometimes clouded by my own dysfunctional behavior. As I go through my day I must evaluate what is truly important, what battles should be fought, what ideas should be pursued, and what personal obsessions should be let go. I want to focus my life and my energy on important things. Of course, important things are in the eye of the beholder. My mountain is someone else’s molehill and vice versa. So much of our conflict is because we see and evaluate life’s activities and demands differently. There is one thing, however, that my experience tells me is of supreme importance. It is love and for me this love is manifested through kindness and compassion towards all people. It is not just for family and friends. It’s for everyone I encounter. I am not naïve. At times this is very challenging and I don’t always accomplish it. Occasionally I encounter people who are difficult to like. However, I try to practice what I preach and to do it will everyone I encounter. Perhaps I can’t change the entire world but I can change myself. At the end of the day, and perhaps at the end of life, this is what is truly important.

Relieving Other's Suffering

The Dalai Lama teaches that all sentient beings want to be happy and not to suffer. Who can argue with this? I suffer when I see other’s suffering. Suffering can take many forms. One of the ways I strive to practice compassion is to alleviate suffering whenever I can. I don’t necessarily do this in big ways. I look for opportunities in my daily interactions with people and animals. My tools are often no more than a kind word and a smile. If I can do anything to lighten another person’s load or stress level I will try to do so. I am not a real Buddhist although I feel like one. I try to inflict no harm on any living creature. I even avoid killing insects as much as possible. Currently I am sharing my bathroom with a small spider. As long as he doesn’t attack me we will live in peace. Other tools at my disposal are a kind heart and a listening ear. Often the only thing people really need is someone to listen to them. Other times all they need is someone to cut them some slack or give them a break. These things are easy to do and don’t demand great resources of time, talent, or money. A caring heart can do wonders. I realize that to alleviate much of the suffering in life requires much more than my simple gestures but you have to start somewhere and you shouldn’t underestimate your ability to make a difference in someone’s life. Mother Teresa says, “If you can’t feed the world, feed one person”. This attitude can be applied to many of life's everyday occurances.

Contentment and Happiness

Recently a friend asked me what I thought the difference was between happiness and contentment. Since our conversation I have been thinking about this a lot. I'm sure that Daniel Webster has definitions for these words but I would like to share a few thoughts about what they mean to me. I think contentment is when you have everything you need. For example, at this time of my life I have all the material things I need and want. I live in a nice house and I drive a nice car. I eat good food at home and I can go out to restaurants a lot. I have good books to read, great music to listen to, and a variety of wonderful coffees to drink. I wear nice clothes and I am fortunate to have been employed by the same company for a very long time. Within reason I have everything I need and want. It would be very selfish for me to complain about the material comfort and contentment that I experience in life at this time. Things, however, do not usually make you happy over the long term. I think happiness becomes part of your contentment when you also have emotional and spiritual fulfillment. Good health is also a plus. Although I have all the things I need and want, my emotional and spiritual fulfillment are often lacking. There are still too many unresolved issues, too much spiritual longing, frequent feelings of emptiness, and lack of clear purpose in my life for me to feel any deep sense of happiness. I also deal with some chronic health conditions on a daily basis that sometimes depress and annoy me. This is not to say I am a miserable person. I am not. In spite of an uneasy alliance between great contentment and elusive happiness, I sometimes feel, in the words of C.S. Lewis, “surprised by joy”. Usually without warning, and never planned, I have moments of pure joy when life makes sense, I feel a sense of oneness with the universe, and I have a flashes of clarity about life when everything seems exactly as it should be. I call these Zen moments. They don’t last and they cannot be manufactured or arranged. They just happen, I enjoy them while they last, and I try to live my life with a sense of Buddhist wakefulness and contemplative awareness so I recognize and notice them in the noisy and busy world in which I live. Overall I feel blessed and I strive to always have a greatful heart for all things whether they seem good or they test me.

Back to Earth

I have been on vacation for the last nine days. Tomorrow I must return to the reality of alarm clocks, early risings, and daily work. That's not all bad but being on vacation is better.

A week ago I left in pre-dawn darkness with my wife to meet one of my sons and my granddaughter at a resort in Gatlinburg, Tennessee where we co-own a time share. I enjoy driving down the highway as the day begins and the sun comes over the horizon. Half way there we stopped for breakfast and another dose of caffeine. We arrived at our destination without any any problems. The resort guide led us to our temporary home. It seemed to be in the clouds as he drove up and up and we had to shift into low gear to keep up. The place was great and we had a lovely view of the surrounding mountains. It's a myth to think that it is always cool in the mountains. The one negative of the trip was the brutal heat that dogged us the entire time we were there. Of course this same heat is baking most of the United States.

The week was filled with great meals, browsing in the local shops, trips to the water park for everyone but me, and naps for Paw Paw. Despite the heat and the challenge of too much togetherness for an introvert like me, there were no major family meltdowns although I flared up a couple of times. I am just not a person who can be with other people, even family, 24/7. Overall we had a great time and unfortunately it was over way too soon. Everyone was ready for home so we left in the early morning of our last day so we could avoid the intense heat of the afternoon. We all arrived home safely with new memories and family stories.

My first morning back home I slept long enough to feel rested before once again heading down the highway to spend the day with my friend Fr. Dennis. I always enjoy spending a day with him. We visited the monastery where I was talked into the purchase of a book on mysticism titled "The Big Book of Christian Mysticism" by Carl McColman. It is subtitled "The Essential Guide To Contemplative Spirituality". It was highly recommended by Dennis so I purchased it despite my effort to stop buying books all the time. With thoughts of mysticism in my head we went to lunch where, as always, we discussed the spiritual life and what was going on with one another. We also talked of my other son, the future priest, as well as the fact that we are becoming old men. After lunch we went back to Dennis's home and watched a deeply moving film called "For Colored Girls". It gave me a whole new appreciation for the experience of many African American women. After the movie I headed back home. It was a hot drive with a 98 degree temperature and heat index in the 100's.

When I arrived home, and after a short nap, I went to dinner with my wife and we stopped at Border's Book's. Sadly, all the Border's Book stores are going out of business. I have often joked with friends that everything I want and need can be found at Border's, i.e., books, music, movies, and coffee. While there I picked up a copy of a book that I've wanted to read for a long time. It's called "Across The Great Divide". It's a biography of the famous rock group "The Band". As I type these notes I have "The Basement Tapes" by Bob Dylan and The Band playing in the background. The Band is one of my favorite groups.

Yesterday was the last of my obligations for the week. I went with my youngest son to the seminarians picnic with the Archbishop, the seminarians, and a few local priests. Despite all the problems with the Church there are many good priests doing many good things and I am proud that my son wants to be one of them.

Now the heat has subsided a little as rain falls outside my window. Tomorrow I return to work and to a more structured life vastly different from the freedom of the last nine days. Whenever I am not working, and I have no obligations to carry me along, I reflect on the idea of retirement. Like most working people I often feel like I cannot retire fast enough from the politics, drama, and demands of the workplace. However, I also wonder what I will do with my life when everyday is Saturday and I am on vacation all the time. I long for leisure, and a life without work obligations, but I also need a reason to get out of bed in the mornings. I am now sixty years old. How much time do I have left? Twenty years if I am lucky, maybe less. What should I do with it when it is all mine? Most of it now belongs to others.

A week off from your regular work routine is nothing more than a tease. It is not a vacation.

Seeds in the Wind

Some people think I am a deep thinker. I am really just a very ordinary guy with no impressive credentials. Most of the time I feel like my brain is barely able to maintain basic life support systems for my body. Rather than think of myself as a deep thinker I like to think of myself as a wide thinker. My mind is like a landscape that has no fences. I like to daydream and let my mind wander wherever it wants to go. Sometimes I am able to capture the journey in writing. When the wandering of my mind connects with time to actually write it down I am energized, passionate, and in a state some psychologists refer to as "flow". When it all comes together my typing can’t keep up with my thinking. Many other times, however, I stare at a blank screen, my mind is empty, and I don't know what to say. Eventually I will get something down but it will be a struggle. Much to my surprise and amazement what comes out of the emptiness is considered by some people as my best stuff. I will get emails from people asking me if I am reading their minds or telling me that what I wrote seems to be written specifically for them. Of course, none of this is true. I believe that many who write in the same vein as me simply have tapped into a larger consciousness and somehow put into words what many other people also think. Other times, when I think I have written something good, it will get no reaction at all. I guess anyone who writes must first write for themselves with no expectation of reward or even notice. Still, I hope for something good to happen as a result of my attempts to put into words the experience of my very ordinary life. I attempt to write something everyday as a discipline, I put it out into the universe and I hope the seeds I throw into the wind find fertile ground somewhere and maybe, just maybe, I have written words that someone needs to hear or words that give someone comfort. Whenever you express yourself, whatever the medium, you take a risk. Some may praise you and compliment you, others will ignore you, one or two may challenge you, and a few may tell you that you are full of BS. It’s worth the risk. Whatever is inside you will find its way out one way or another. Any expression of who you are is part of the creative process of life.

What is Heaven?

A few nights ago I watched Clint Eastwood’s film called “Hereafter”. It was long and a little slow but overall a good film that explored the meaning of life and death. I often what if there really is a Heaven and what it is really like. We all have images of what we think it might be like but if it is real, what is the reality? It’s got to be more than billions and billions of people sitting around in the Lotus position staring at a light. What goes on in Heaven? What do people do all day even if a “day” is eternity? Will I be re-united with everyone I ever loved or cared about? Will I somehow get to relive over and over every wonderful experience I ever had when I was alive on earth? Will I have a job in Heaven? Will God have expectations of me or can I do whatever I want? Is there a rock and roll section of Heaven where all the musicians I have loved in life are having a never ending jam session? Is Heaven a place or a state of mind? Are we already experiencing a taste of Heaven now? These are just a few thoughts on my mind. Do you ever wonder about these kinds of things or do I have too much time on my hands?

The Work Grind

Sometimes when I ask my wife about her workday she replies, “I’m tired and I’m tired of it”. What is it that she is tired of? She’s tired of what some people call the work grind. The work grind is all those things that make you crazy when you are at work. It’s a combination of all the different personalities and agendas and the drama associated with human interaction. It's the lack of connection many people feel with the work they do and the subsequent lack of meaning they experience in the work they do. It also includes misunderstandings based on poor communication and the rumor mills that invariably spring up. Work goals themselves are often unclear and the measure of success is often a mystery. I sometimes hear people say “how much is enough” when asked to do more and more. Assuming we are all human, most of us feel this way at least some of the time. What is the answer? Business guru, Lance Secretan, suggests that "telling the truth could be the single greatest profit generator in corporate history". He estimates that 20% of our workforces are engaged in activities to check up on the other 80% of the workforce. He suggests that everyone should just tell the truth and everyone should believe everyone else. Many of the problems in the work enviroment are the result of mistrust. Leaders don't trust their followers and followers don't trust their leaders. Both groups are full of people who go to church, quote scripture, and believe they are good people. Yet, for many, the workplace is the most stressful experience in their lives. All of us need to be truthful and honest and whether we are a leader or a follower, we need to have a servant leader mentality. What if we all told the truth, were completely honest, and dedicated our days to making everyone else's life as smooth as possible? What if we all let go of personal agendas and egos and working cooperatively for the good of all? If we must be competitive why can't we compete to see who can show the most kindness and compassion to our co-workers?