Monday, September 19, 2011

Making Yourself Crazy

Do you ever make yourself crazy? Sometimes I find it exhausting to be me. Do you ever feel that way about yourself? I wonder why I act the way I do. For example, why I am so passive? Why can’t I be more assertive about my needs and more ambitious about my life? My wife thinks I should be running my employer's company by now but I really don't want to do so. I'm told that I procrastinate. Do I really procrastinate all the time? Maybe I do but I always get everything done on time. Does my sometimes compulsive behavior indicate a touch of OCD? Is my over active mind nothing more than ADD? Why do I find most people exhausting but my granddaughter melts my heart? Why do I prefer solitude to parties? Why do I appear so calm on the surface and yet feel so much turmoil inside? Do I really care about other people’s feelings as much as they think I do? Why am I such a perfectionist? What’s up with that? Why do I often feel unloved and unhappy when I know for a fact that I have a good life and many people care deeply for me. Oddly enough, many of the things that drive me crazy about myself seem to be what many other people like about me. Many people think I am calm and centered and relaxed all the time. Many people think I am always full of wisdom and serenity. People seem to see things in me that I don't always see or feel within myself. I seem to make more sense to others than I do to myself. I guess many people have such thoughts about themselves. I don’t know why I am who I am or why I act like I do. I am all of the negative things I describe above and I hope I'm half the positive things many think I am. I guess I am who I am for a reason. If other people see something in me that I don’t see or feel myself, there must be a reason. I guess the challenge of our lives is to allow ourselves to be who we are, and to allow our individual goodness to do what it does even if we don’t comprehend or understand it ourselves. All of us are here for a reason and most of the time we are where we belong.

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