What Are We Called To Be?

When I drove to work this morning I was in a fog....literally. As I drove along the Interstate through downtown I could barely see the silhouette of my building. I like deep fog, heavy snow, and heavy rain, especially when I am at home. It creates a natural barrier of solitude. What I don't like is when my mind is in a fog as it is some days.

Most people at some point in their lives have goals. These goals usually represent our desires and what we hope to accomplish or to experience in life. Sometimes these goals are not meant to be achieved. Sometimes these goals are not in sync with who we are. Too often we think about what we want to do or what we want to be and we do not spend enough time trying to understanding who we are. Should we be driven by the goals of what we want to be or what we want to do or should we listen more closely to our inner voice that may be calling us to something different? Have you ever, in a quiet moment, asked yourself, "What is it that life is calling me to be or to do"? More often than not, I think our "calling" is something different than our desires. We sometimes choose careers or lifestyles because we think that's what's expected of us. I think most of us would not like to admit how many of our personal choices have been influenced by other's expectations more than a deeply felt personal calling. Too often we are more concerned with achievement rather than self-actualization. Too often we are more concerned with recognition than being who we are. Many people achieve great worldly success or recognition and have no idea who they are looking at in a mirror. They have no idea who they are. The "success" may even feel empty. They are strangers to themselves. Certainly there is nothing wrong with success or recognition but is it in line with who and what you are called to be? Are you being who you are? If your life doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. In my life it seems the older I get, the more I become myself. I am without great worldly achievement but I am very comfortable in my own skin, I recognize the man in the mirror, and in quiet ways I believe I am becoming what I was called to be. I believe my calling is not so much to a profession as it is a calling to a way of being. I think my calling is to be a contemplative person and to share that experience with others. I write about what I hear and see and experience and I try to enlighten others to their own spiritual potential while trying to point the way to a more "awakened" approach to living. If I can influence others to see life a different way, with grateful hearts and a sense of wonder, than I have achieved something in my life.

I've never been shy about my love of music and rock and roll in particular. Few think that rock and roll is as sophisticated as Mozart or Bach but I love it anyway. It has been the soundtrack of my life. To be fair, this soundtrack would also include some blues, jazz, classical, folk, Indian sitar music, monastic chant and silence. Music gives me joy, relaxation, and great entertainment, especially when I am able to attend a live show. I think one of the reasons I like rock and roll so much is the energy. I have a very laid back and passive personality. I have never been a high energy person. Rock and roll provides the energy that I don't have within me naturally. Rock and roll is only now starting to get some respect. The truth is that many of the great poets of my generation are musicians. Bob Dylan and Neil Young come to mind. The Grateful Dead lyricist, Robert Hunter, is an accomplished poet in his own right. The songs of John Lennon and Paul McCartney will still be played in a hundred years and beyond. All generations love their music. Mine is no different. It keeps you young. When I am sixty five years old, and I hear "Jumpin Jack Flash" on the radio, I will crank it up! Even now, at age 57, my wife sometimes yells at me for playing music too loud. She goes, "Are you deaf"? I look her way and reply, "What"? I know it's only rock and roll but I love it. I will concede that age has caught up with me a little and I do have a greater appreciation now for quieter and more subdued music. I also prefer to see live music in small, more intimate venues instead of the huge mega events in stadiums. In our advancing years my friends and I also need proper lumbar support. Sitting crossed legged on the ground for hours is no longer an option. We need our lawn chairs. The rock band Jethro Tull has a song called "Too Old to Rock and Roll, Too Young to Die". I would challenge the lyricist on this. My title would be, "Never Too Old to Rock and Roll...as as long as I schedule a vacation day the next day"!

I have never been lost. I will admit to being confused once for a few weeks.
-Daniel Boone

My Future Security

I love the early morning quietness that fills my home as my body awakens and my mind is serene.

I also love it when one of my favorite rock and roll songs plays on the radio as I drive from my wife's office to mine. This morning it was "Jessica" by the Allman Brothers Band. It took me back to a time when I literally sat at the feet of the man who wrote the song. I had an out of body experience as he dazzled me with his guitar virtuosity. I was in heaven.

My favorite Zen koan from last nights Presidential debate was "What is it that you don't know and how are you going to learn it"?

Yesterday it was unusually cool in the office so I took my lunch outside and sat alone in the sun. It was a beautiful day. I quietly ate my sandwich while enjoying the warm sunlight and the cool breezes. It was very enjoyable and I could have sat there all afternoon. Eventually, reality jerked me out of my Zen daze and I came back upstairs. That wasn't so bad. I was having a quiet day and the rest of the afternoon was uneventful as well. I spent part of the afternoon listening to a live seminar on the wisdom of the Tao Te Ching by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer. It blows my mind that words written thousands of years ago are so applicable to events of today.

On Monday, after the stock market dropped another 800 points, I told a friend I was going down to the first floor of my office and jumping out the window. I was joking, of course, but since all of this financial mess in the United States began earlier in the year my 401K has lost about 21% of it's value. It's a substantial amount of money. Retirement was not in my immediate future anyway unless Human Resources knows something I don't know. However, like most people I would like to retire someday from the need to work so I can spend my time in voluntary work and other pursuits. It would also be nice to just do nothing if that's what I wanted to do. Am I worried about the future? Not really. I try to live my life without regrets about the past and without worry about the future. I don't think 401K's are without merit and in general it is wise to prepare something for the future. However, one shouldn't put all their efforts into preparing for a future you may never have. With all due respect to faith and spiritual beliefs, we live in the Now. Sometimes I wonder why people of faith feel the need to prepare materially for the future. Do we have doubts that our needs will be met? Honestly, in good times and bad, I have always survived and my needs have always been met one way or another. Was I just lucky? I can't change any of the decisions I have made in the past although I hope I have learned from many of my mistakes. I also don't believe one should rob the present to prepare for a future that is not promised to any of us. The future is totally unknown so what are we preparing for? Some of you may think I have a fatalistic "let's eat, drink, and be merry for tomorrow we may be dead" mentality. This is not true. I try to live in the present, and enjoy it for all it's worth, but I also have hope that the Now in which I am living lasts a very long time. I will continue to work and I will continue to save but as long as I have what I need for today...which is nothing more than the eternal NOW...I will be happy and content. So far, in my experience, life takes care of itself and it has taken care of me. It just doesn't always do it according to my plans.

Meeting Other's Expectations

Today's thoughts may seem a little negative to some. Other's may wonder if I am in a bad mood. I don't intend them to be negative and I am actually in a very good mood. Sometimes when people write to me they say things like, "Your writing often expresses exactly how I feel but I didn't know how to articulate". Hopefully, this is also true of today's thoughts. One of the things I am trying to do in my life is not feel guilty about anything. I am not always successful in this endeavor. Life and other people make many demands on us. There is always something to do or someone that expects something. I can't do everything and I can't meet everyone's expectations. I believe I am speaking for many people when I say "I'm doing the best I can"! I'm sorry if I am not always the perfect spouse, the perfect father, the perfect son, the perfect brother, the perfect friend, the perfect boss, the perfect employee or the perfect co-worker. The one area where I feel I am probably meeting all expectations is being Chloe's Pa Paw. I am also sorry if I am not always enthusiastic about everything. Sometimes I am just tired, other times I would just like to be left alone, once in a while I am just trying to get through the day, and, on a rare occasion, I really don't care. None of us can be all things to all people all the time. I am at a point in my life where I am tired of trying to make everyone happy or to meet everyone's expectations. This is probably a symptom of getting older. I am as good as I'm probably ever going to be. Once I told a co-worker, "You know, I've had about 20 annual performance reviews. Guess what? I'm still the same person. My strengths are still my strengths and my weaknesses are still my weaknesses". Having said all of this, I am still trying to allow myself to be spiritually transformed into a more loving and caring person. I'm not completely happy with the kind of person I am. Like all of you I am a work in progress. Even if I was at my peak as a human being, it would not please everyone. Once President Lyndon Johnson told a group of people, "If I could walk across the Potomac River, the next day the newspaper headline would read "President can't swim". I understand how he felt. Although I do occasionally give in to human weakness and criticize other people, I try not to do it very often because I believe everyone else probably feels like I do. In other words, they are doing the best they can with the circumstances that life has given them. There's an old Native American saying that goes, "Don't criticize your neighbor until you have walked a mile in their moccasins". So, let's assume we are all doing the best we can. Let's quit making one another feel inadequate. Lets quit criticizing one another. Rather, let's focus on what we're all doing well.

Stirring The Embers

Compared to the cool weather we've been having lately, today is going to be a hot day with temperatures in the high 80's. I am not happy about it. I console myself knowing it won't last. It was another busy weekend. After running a few errands on Saturday morning my wife and I headed to my mother in laws retirement home. It was time for the annual Octoberfest which is the social event of the year for all the elderly people who live there. When we arrived my poor mother in law was still in bed and totally unaware of the event. We got her up and dressed and then preceded to wheel her across the street to where the festivities would be held. We were joined there by Chloe and her parents as well as one of my sister in laws. It was a nice affair and many people seemed to enjoy it. Occasionally my mother in law would smile or talk but most of the time she was staring into space. She and my Dad remind me of a fire that has been reduced to glowing embers. There's no flame but there is still some warmth. If you stir the embers you might get a little flame but you will never get a big fire again. There was a time my mother in law could have put on the Octoberfest. It is difficult for children to see their parents in their decline. The rest of the weekend I had a little girl named Chloe at my house. She's the other end of the spectrum. As our parent's lights seem to dim, Chloe's burns brighter all the time. She is so full of life that my wife and I can barely keep up. She is full of wonder and imagination and she's a master of mindfulness. She is present to the moment in a way that makes me look like an amateur. She's also quite the conversationalist. She tells me stories of her Mom and Dad, her dog, Cosmo, her friends at school and SpongeBob Squarepants. During many of the stories she's laughing to the point she can barely get the story out. During one storytelling session in bed on Saturday night, Granny finally yelled at both of us and told us to get to sleep. Trust me, you don't want to be around the Queen if she hasn't had her sleep. Eventually Chloe and I quieted down and went to sleep. We started up again at 7:30 AM on Sunday when she woke me up and told me it was time for coffee.

Admittedly, I have been scattered in my reading. One of the downfalls of being a lover of books is that you are easily seduced by new books. I have three or four going at the time but one of them is still the Tao Te Ching. Here's the 25th verse.

There was something formless and perfect before the universe was born. It is serene, empty, solitary, unchanging, infinite, and eternally present. For lack of a better name, I call it Tao. I call it great. Great is boundless; boundless is eternally flowing; ever flowing, it is constantly returning.Therefore the Way is great, heaven is great, earth is great, people are great. Thus, to know humanity, understand earth.To know earth, understand heaven.To know heaven, understand the Way.To know the way, understand the great within yourself.

One of the things that Lao-tzu is teaching us is to trust in our own greatness. You are not the body you occupy, which is temporary and on its way back to the nowhere from which it came. You are pure greatness, precisely the same greatness that creates all of life. Greatness attracts greatness. The Tao Te Ching gives us the following affirmation: I come from greatness. I attract greatness. I am greatness. We must change our attitudes from "It probably won't happen to me" to "It is on it's way". You get what you think about, whether you want it or not. Finally, this verse of the Tao Te Ching tells us "I must be like what I came from. I will never abandon my belief in my greatness or the greatness of others". Make this your daily mantra.

Spirituality And Balance

I read a thought in Thomas Merton's, "The Inner Experience" that went like this. The "inner work" of the Spirit cannot be done if you are pre-occupied with the "outer work" of the Self. The thought is actually traditional mystical theology. I understand the meaning of the thought but I believe it needs some clarification. The life of the spirit cannot be separated from our daily lives. Certainly we can be so pre-occupied with the demands of our lives to the point that we neglect our inner life. However, in reality, there is no separation. We have one life and when we live it in a balanced way, there is a unity of Spirit and Self. Spirituality is the way we allow the Spirit to act in our reality. If you break the word down you have Spirit-into-reality.....Spirituality. I think some of us who grew up in the Catholic tradition with "Saints" struggle with this. When I was a child saints were often portrayed as exceptional men or women who didn't seem to do much except kneel in a room, stare at a holy image, and wait for God to give them some type of mystical experience. They did not seem to be real people with real lives and almost none of them were lay people and definitely not married people with children and secular jobs. I don't recall any of them having a four year old granddaughter named Chloe. They seemed to have nothing else to do but try to be holy. I know in reality this was not true. They were real men and women with real struggles and for most holiness did not come easily. It's really all about balance. We need to do those things that life demands of us but we also need to stop and pause everyday for moments of reflection and simple contemplation. Contemplation is a big word that is often misunderstood. It is not complicated. Contemplation is found in moments of repose where we stop what we are doing, enter into the silence of our lives, be still, and allow ourselves to experience the wonder and awe of life. It can be in church, while taking a quiet walk in your neighborhood, or playing with your granddaughter. Being open to such moments in the busyness of our lives can give us the balance that will unify our inner selves with the activity of our daily lives.

This is what it means to seek God perfectly: to withdraw from illusion and pleasure, from worldly anxieties and desires, from the works that God does not want, from a glory that is only human display; to keep my mind free from confusion in order that my liberty may be always at the disposal of his will; to entertain silence in my heart and listen for the voice of God. And then to wait in peace and emptiness and oblivion of all things.
-Thomas Merton in "New Seeds of Contemplation"

A Day Of Gifts

Yesterday seemed like my birthday or maybe Christmas. I got all kinds of gifts from people I work with. Once during a food day I commented on how much I liked some Philippine rolls that remind one of egg rolls. Yesterday one of my co-workers brought me a whole plateful of them with dipping sauce. Another co-worker just returned to this country from the Ukraine with gifts of a religious Icon, chocolates, and one of those beautiful Russian figurines where you open it and there's a smaller doll, and another smaller doll, etc. I'm sure they must have an official name for these but I am not sure what it is. Finally, another co-worker sent me home with freshly made Zucchini bread. Life is good, people are generous, and I am very fortunate to have such caring people in my life.

We are having great weather. I am sleeping at night with the windows open and the cool night air blows through my bedroom. Yesterday it was cool enough in the early morning for a sweater. While I was waiting for my coffee to finish brewing I went outside and walked to the end of my driveway for the morning paper. At this time of year it is dark except for the glow of the street light. The air was fresh and invigorating. The sky was clear and the stars sparkled like tiny diamonds set deep in a dark velvet sky. In such moments I can become totally lost in the moment. Autumn is just beginning and the best is yet to come. In a couple of weeks my son, Nick, will be home from the seminary. I haven't seen him for two months and I miss him. Even though I gave him to God doesn't mean I don't want him back once in a while. While he is home the family will make our annual trek across the river to the pumpkin fields of southern Indiana. Although Chloe is the smallest person in the family she is a very large presence. She will laugh and talk my ear off as we sit together on the farm trailer and ride out to the pumpkin patch. I can hear her now, "What about this one, Pa Paw"? Here's what it might look like on the way to pumpkin land.

The Legacy We Leave Behind

Last week the older brother of a very good friend died. He was only four years older than my friend and me. At the monastery this past weekend we had a memorial service for another friend that recently died unexpectedly. Both of these deaths reminded me how precious life is and that it can end anytime. At the memorial service many kind and wonderful things were said and my friend's legacy was applauded. It got me wondering, "If I died unexpectedly right now, what would people say about me? What is my legacy? How would I be remembered"? Regardless of our individual ages and life styles, each day we are building our legacies. Although we are all misunderstood some of the time, we own our reputations and contribute to them by the way we live. We are responsible for the perceptions that others have of us. Everything we say, everything we do, how we love, how we live, who are friends are, how we spend our time, along with many other things, all contribute to our legacy. As one gets older, death seems to visit more frequently. It is not uncommon for an elderly person to say, "All I do is go to funerals". In our society it is a sad reality that too many funerals are for the young. Life is a precious gift. It should not be squandered or wasted. As I have said before in my thoughts, "Focus on what is really important. Let go of worry and needless concern. Travel light. Hold no grudges. Forgive everything. Love much. Harm no one. Smell the flowers. Feel the wind. Dance to the music". Someday we will all die. We do not know the time or place. Until that time, live well and live in a manner that inspires those around you. When we die, all those that love us, and maybe a few that don't, will gather and remember us. In my case, I hope the room is full of laughter and not too many tears. I hope my life was one that touched others in positive ways and that I am remembered with fondness. When people walk out of my funeral, I hope they are thinking, "His was a life lived well. The world and my life are better because of him". Then I hope they go have a party.