Responding Versus Reacting

In physics for every action there is a reaction.  This is a law of nature.  For most of us, this is also true in our emotional lives.  Many people believe that their feelings is who they are.  This is not really true.  Our emotions do not define us.  When things happen in our lives we usually react in some way.  I tend to overreact to things I do not like.  I also tend to underreact to things I do not consider important.  Of course, what I do not like and what I do not think is important is not necessarily reality.  One of the challenges of life is to get beyond emotional reactions to things.  Overreacting and underreacting are emotional responses.  What we need to do is strive to respond to life and not to react to it.  In my mind a response is more intellectual and considered.  When my reaction is anger, I try to figure out why I am angry.  What is it about the situation that makes me feel angry?  I am a man of great emotion and occasional passion.  Deep feelings and passion are not bad things in and of themselves.  However, I try really hard to get past some of my emotions and to respond to things in a more considered and thoughtful way.  This is very hard for me sometimes.  Maybe it is for you too.  I challenge everyone who reads these thoughts today to go through this entire day without reacting emotionally to what happens to you.  Whatever challenges this day brings, try to respond rather than react emotionally.  My guess is that you will find it very difficult.  This is one of the reasons I meditate.  Meditation helps me to be centered.  When I am centered, I am calm.  When I am calm, I can more easily respond rather than react emotionally.  Sometimes in my day I have to say, “Breathe, Michael”.  You should do the same but use your own name. 8-)

Then Why Think About It?

My oldest son was jammed up at work yesterday so my wife and I came to the rescue by picking up Chloe at her karate school.  It is always a bright spot in my day when I get to see her.  I think she has a little bit of my personality.  When I walk into the school there are usually dozens of children doing some kind of group activity.  I can always quickly spot Chloe.  In the midst of all the other children and the activity, she is almost always off into her own little world.  Sometimes it takes a few minutes to even notice me.  When she finally sees me I get a big smile and she runs towards me for a hug.  Recently I overheard a conversation between Chloe and my wife.  It went like this.

 

My wife:  Chloe, did you know Paw Paw’s friend died and went to Heaven?

 

Chloe:  No.

 

My wife:  It makes Paw Paw very sad when he thinks about it.

 

Chloe: Then why does he think about it?

 

Only a child could have such a simple solution to something as profound as grief.  I love the way Chloe and other children see life.  For most children, life is simple.  They are totally in the moment and their vision is unclouded.  We adults make everything complicated and as a result we are stressed most of the time.  Last week Chloe turned nine years old and I could hardly believe it.  Some of you have been hearing and reading about my granddaughter since the day she was born.  It is joyful to be part of her life and to watch her develop into the person she is.  If you are still raising children I understand from my own experience that it can be exhausting and stressful.  However, you can learn a lot from children.  In the quieter moments of your life, sit back and watch them.  Listen to them. They have much to teach us.  

Contradictions

At my friend’s funeral last week he was described as a man of great contradictions.  Anyone who knew Dennis would certainly agree.  However, if the truth be told, I think this could be said of most of us.  Last night I watched a music documentary called “It Might Get Loud”.  It was basically a conversation between three famous guitar players about their roots and their love of music.  Once a friend said to me, “Michael, when I think of you I think of two things.  I think of music and spirituality”.  Last night’s documentary film certainly was a reminder of my deep love and possible obsession with music.  I often think I could spend my entire day listening to music while I am reading books about it.  At the same time, I am a man who has spent the better part of my life on a spiritual journey.  At times this all seems in conflict.  When I had to create a user name for my personal email, I chose tiedyedmystic.  This was based on my hippie free spirit attitude as well as my spiritual desires for union with God.  I am a rock and roller who loves silence.  I am a long time married family man who is a Trappist/Buddhist monk in my heart.  I am a people person who finds people exhausting.  I am a person who rarely shows emotion but often feels overwhelmed by my emotions.  I am a person who wants to serve and help but I also want to be left alone.  These are just a few of my contradictions.  Hopefully, like with my friend, Dennis, these contradictions somehow balance themselves and the person that is me is a good person and decent person.     

A Meaningful Life

I am just an ordinary man trying to live a meaningful life.  I try to live my life with a deep spiritual awareness while striving to practice kindness and compassion to everyone I encounter.  This is not easy.  It is said that the human spirit is indomitable.  When under duress most people pull through in the end.  The challenges of daily life are often subtle and rarely seem monumental.  Most of our daily lives involve faithfulness to people and commitments, honest work, daily chores, care of the body, and attending to the needs of those who are closest to us.  Beyond the needs and chores that we expect each day are the curve balls that life sometimes sends our way.  In spite of all the challenges and disappointments, life is still a wonderful thing.  In addition to an attitude of gratefulness I also strive to maintain a sense of wonder.  This, too, is sometimes difficult.  I must admit that I am often cynical about life.  In spite of that weakness I try to always allow myself to be impressed.  I want my life and the lives of others to have a “wow” factor.  In the midst of the ugliness of life I want to notice the beautiful.  When I am walking down the street I want to notice the flowers and I want to inhale their aroma.  When it is a hot day like today I want to notice the breeze as it blows through the trees and across my face.  I want to be in touch with life.  I do not want to sleepwalk my way through my life with my senses dulled and my awareness minimal.  A meaningful life is a life lived in awareness.  It is a life lived awake.  Such a life is meaningful, spiritual, and alive.      

 

Forever Is Composed Of Now's

Forever is composed of now’s.

-Emily Dickinson

 

Recent events in my life have reminded me of the importance of living in the now and enjoying every moment of my life.  Even when I am reasonably able to do this, and it’s not easy, it is a challenge.  It is difficult to be present.  If we are honest, most of us would have to admit that we spend many moments of our lives doing things we don’t want to do and being places we don't want to be.   Acknowledging this, how do we find joy in the moments of our lives?  I think we have to seek reasons to be grateful, especially when those reasons are not obvious.  Maybe you don’t like getting out of bed in the morning.  Be grateful you are alive.  Maybe you don’t like coming to work.  Be grateful you have a job that provides financial support for you and your family.  Maybe your Boss is driving you crazy today.  Be grateful for the times the Boss has shown you kindness.  Maybe the morning and evening commute is getting on your nerves.  Be grateful for your mobility and ability to drive.  Maybe you don’t feel like cooking dinner.  Be grateful you have food to eat.  Maybe you don’t like to clean or do laundry.  Be grateful you have a home to clean and clothes to wear.  Beyond the mundane activities of life, be grateful for sunrises and sunsets.  Be grateful for good books and enjoyable music.  Be grateful for a comfortable chair or bed after a long day of work.  If you struggle to find good things in your life for which to be grateful, be grateful for all the bad things you have been spared.  Strive to be grateful for your life and all the life around you.    

Celebration Of A Life

I got up this morning and drove through the rain to the Abbey of Gethsemani for the funeral of my dear friend, Father Dennis Borca.  I listened to Mozart on my morning drive.  Dennis was a great lover of classical music.  The Mozart I choose was prayerful and a bit sad befitting the occasion.  The reality of today's event was very apparent as soon as I pulled into the monastery parking lot.  In the drizzling rain, but under a canopy, Dennis's grave was still in the process of being dug.  Dennis had been cremated so the actual grave was rather small.  Eventually I found my way to the small chapel where the funeral mass would take place.  One of the first people I saw was my son, Father Nick.  Much to my happiness, and I'm sure Dennis's delight,  my son was going to concelebrate the funeral mass with the Archbishop and other priests who were present.  It was a very quiet mass.  I did one of the readings.  I started out with a strong voice but began to lose it as I got near the end of the reading.  The more difficult task went to Father Curtis Thomas who gave the homily.  Curtis is a another dear friend of Dennis and his homily was very heartfelt and emotional.  When the mass was complete we walked out of the chapel and down the steps of the Abbey church to what is called the secular cemetery.  The cemetery contains a variety of people dating back to the Civil War era.  The monks are buried in a different cemetery within the monastic enclosure.  The Archbishop blessed the grave and led the final prayers.  When the service was over and people began leaving, I got down on one knee and put my hand on Dennis's urn.  The urn was actually a small wooden box made by monks.  Dennis's name was carved into the box with an inscription that said, "I give myself completely to God.  May He not be disappointed".  It was my final farewell to a man who was my mentor, my spiritual brother, and a dear friend.

I then took my son out for lunch where we had some good conversation.  It was a comfort for me to have Nick there today.  I was very proud of him. 

On the drive home I took the scenic route through the countryside.  This time I played a CD called "The Troubadour of the Great King" by John Michael Talbott.  It's a joyful piece of music, with a medieval feel, that celebrates the life of Saint Francis.  Dennis and I both loved Saint Francis.  In fact, when we first met we were both living in a Franciscan community.  It seemed fitting to listen to something joyful and Franciscan as a way to celebrate Dennis's life.

On the way home, the sun began to shine.        

Great Sadness

As I write these thoughts I am sitting home alone.  From time to time I cannot help but cry.  In the background some light classical music is playing in memory of a dear friend who loved classical music as much as I love rock and roll.  I got up today like any other Monday.  When I got to work I had a email from my friend, Father Richard Rohr, concerning the death of our mutual friend, Father Dennis Borca.  I was not aware of Dennis's death until I read Richard's email.  I was and still remain in shock.  Dennis was a very dear friend.  Beyond friendship, he was like a big brother to me.  He was also one of the funniest people I have ever known.  Every visit with Dennis included lots of laughter.  He was quite the story teller.  Those of you who read my blog on a regular basis should be familiar with Father Dennis because I have frequently mentioned him in my blogs.  In the early 1970's we lived together in the same Franciscan community.  Father Richard was also part of that community.  Dennis eventually left the Franciscan order but remained a priest.  About seven or eight years ago he retired from active ministry and bought a home very near the Abbey of Gethsemani.  We have been getting together about once a month this entire time for friendship, spiritual discussions, and meals.  Occasionally I would spend the night at his home.  This past May Father Richard was in town for the Dalai Lama's visit to Louisville.  Dennis and I attended one of the Dalai Lama's talks together where Richard also spoke.  That week Richard and I also spent a night at Dennis's home for a Franciscan reunion.  It was a wonderful time.  Just a few  weeks ago Dennis concelebrated at my son's ordination to the priesthood and was one of the priests who laid his hands on Nick's head as part of the liturgy.  He couldn't have been more proud of Nick if he was his own son.  Only a couple of weeks ago I made my last visit to Dennis's home.  When I arrived in the early morning, he served me some sweet rolls for breakfast that neither of us should have eaten because we're both diabetics.  Usually we also go out to a restaurant for a meal but on this last visit he said, "Why don't I cook us some hot dogs and we can just sit here and talk".  Dennis was my closest confidant.  There were no secrets between us.  I am deeply saddened by his death and it creates a huge void in my life.  I will miss him terribly.  On my last visit we talked of death.  His great wish was to live as long as his parents and his greatest fear was concern over what would happen to his two dogs when he died.  I shared my desire to retire and my hope that we would both be two retired old men together.  Today has been a day of tears for me and it will be quite a while before my sadness goes away.  His last words to me were, "I love you".  The feeling was mutual.  Dennis and I had some great years together and I am sure he will watch over me for as long as I am still here.