Living Without Purpose Or Meaning

A month or so ago I wrote a piece about finding purpose and meaning in our lives.  One of my readers sent me a message along the lines of “I no longer look for purpose or meaning in my life because I found it stressful.  I simply live my life.  It is much more enjoyable to simply live each day without trying to make it seem significant by assigning purpose or meaning to every activity”.  As a person who is sometimes obsessed with finding purpose and meaning in life I found this refreshing.  Sometimes I stress myself out being me.  Consciously and unconsciously I have created an image that I feel I must live up to everyday.  Other people also have an image of me that they expect me to be.  I think we all do this and we all have expectations of how we think we should be and how other people should be.  Wouldn’t it be great if we all stopped acting and just be who we really are?  Wouldn’t it be great if we all could just relax and live?  I’m sure I am not alone when I say it can be exhausting to be me.  Sometimes I wear myself out trying to be who I think I am or who I think I want to be.  It will take some concentrated effort for me to simply live each day without trying to assign purpose or meaning to everything I say or do.  Even writing these daily thoughts is sometimes a burden because there are a lot of people who expect me to do it and who tell me how meaningful they are to them.  This is why I generally never write on weekends.  I need a break from trying to be deep and meaningful.  Living without a specific purpose, or living without every action having some deep meaning, is not necessarily a meaningless life.  Maybe all we need to do is what’s required of us but doing it with love, kindness, and compassion.    

 

Get Out Of The Cave

On Friday I drove to the monastery and spent a few hours there.  I was unusually restless and felt a little lost while I was there.  It was almost like I didn’t know where I was.  I finally decided that the balance of my day could be better spent at home.  My wife is still moving kind of slow so most of the weekend was spent at home.  By Sunday afternoon I was stir crazy so we decided to go out for a meal.  We met my oldest son, his girlfriend, and Chloe at a restaurant on the river.  The weather was beautiful so we ate outside.  There were lots of people there, music was playing, boats were all around us, and the food was good.  It was an enjoyable experience and another life lesson re-learned.  Sometimes you just have to get out of your chair, join the rest of the world, get over yourself, and live.  One of the negative aspects of my personality is that I am typically a withdrawn and solitary person.  Sometimes this is a good thing but if I am feeling down it’s a bad thing.  I need people who stand at the entrance to my cave calling my name and beckoning me out into the open.  Unfortunately there are few people who do this.  I am sometimes too withdrawn and too solitary for my own good.  I often avoid people and social activity but when I am with people and I am involved in a social activity, I often enjoy myself.  When  you are depressed, or feeling blue as my grandmother used to say, being alone is not the best solution.  Get out of your your cave and be with some people.  This is not to devalue solitude.  I still believe we all need some quality time alone once in a while.  Some will need more than others.  Whether you need more solitude or more social interaction, balance is the key.  This weekend I needed some social interaction.  By the end of this workday I will need some solitude. 8-)          

 

Feeling A Little Lost

I got up early today as I normally do on a Friday.  After having some coffee and toast with my wife I drove to the Abbey of Gethsemani.  My goal was to visit the grave of my friend, Father Dennis, and to spend a few hours enjoying the silence and solitude of the monastery.  After a visit to Dennis's grave, which was little more than a patch of dirt, I went into the retreat house.  I was sitting in the dining room quietly minding my own business when a lady working in the kitchen asked if I was on retreat.  When I shook my head no, she gave me a look that made me feel like I was trespassing.  Perhaps I misinterpreted her body language or she was simply wondering why I was there at a time when some guests are leaving and new guests are arriving.  I couldn't help but think to myself, "Lady, I used to be a member of this monastic community and I have been visiting here for over 40 years.  I don't think anyone would have a problem with me sitting in here".  Maybe it was just my mood.  On the way to the monastery I drove past Father Dennis's home and his truck is still parked in the driveway.  It made me a little sad.  While I was at the monastery I felt restless and a little lost, to say nothing of the tug of war that seemed to be going on in my intestinal track.  I climbed up St. Joseph's Hill and took in the panoramic view of the surrounding countryside.  I sat in the Abbey church for a while but it was humid and stuffy.  I felt like I was just wandering around and that I couldn't find a spot where I could relax and be.  My last stop was the Gift Shop where I purchased my favorite raspberry jam made by monks at another monastery as well as an excellent jazz CD by local musician Dick Sisto.  He has a connection with Gethsemani and was a friend of Thomas Merton.  He's also a wonderful vibraphonist.  I decided the rest of my day would be better spent at home which is where I am as I write these notes.  On a positive note, today's weather is picture perfect and I had a very pleasant drive home through the countryside.       

Mental Health Days

Tomorrow I am taking a day off from my day job.  For many years I have jokingly called these “Mental Health Days”.  Sometimes I take them because life has been demanding and I simply need a break.  Other times I take them for no other reason than preventative maintenance.  On a spiritual level they are retreat days.  I am going to get up early tomorrow as I normally do on workdays.  I will make my wife breakfast and get her settled as I have done every day for the last month.  When she’s good I am going to drive to the monastery and spend the morning there.  I haven’t been there since the funeral of my friend, Father Dennis.  The first thing I will do when I get there is visit his grave.  After that I will likely have a cup of coffee in the retreat house garden.  I will also spend some time sitting in the large Abbey church bathing in the silence.  I hope to also spend some time with one of the monks who is a good friend of mine.  I have always been a person who needs some space and time alone.  I probably have a personality that needs this more than some.  I actually get kind of cranky if I don't spend some time just being with myself.  However, even if you are a social butterfly I believe you would benefit from such time.  You don’t have to run off to a monastery.  A local park would give you much of what I experience when I go to the monastery.  The important thing is to occasionally step away from your life.  Take some time to breathe and chill out.  Recharge your batteries.  Remember what is truly important in life.  Put things into proper perspective.  In the crazy lives that many of us live it is easy for priorities to get out of whack.    

The Middle Path

I love three lane highways.  I think they are a metaphor for life.  When traffic is heavy I stay in the middle lane.  If I am going too slow for someone they can move to the left.  If I am going too fast for someone they can move to the right.  The middle lane for me also represents the middle path and this is the path I attempt to walk in my life.  If traffic is light or non-existent I move into the slow lane so I can truly enjoy the drive.  Most people don’t enjoy the drive.  They are totally focused on the destination.  If I drive to Gatlinburg it takes me approximately five hours.  About half way there I stop for a big breakfast at the Cracker Barrel in Corbin, Kentucky.  When my oldest son drives to Gatlinburg he gets there in approximately three hours without the experience of a nice breakfast.  His breakfast is a three hour energy drink.  I believe in life, and on road trips, the journey is the destination.  Another reason I like the middle path is that it represents for me the contemplative way.  Most people think there are only two options for dealing with life.  You can either fight it or run away from it.  The middle path is the path of simply being present.  Whatever is going on, you don’t have to always fight it or run away from it.  Instead, be present to it.  Deal with it.  Learn from it.  Get over it.  Life has a way of always pulling you or pushing you.  Stand firm and strong on the middle path.  Do not be intimidated by life.  Be present to it.  I know many of you love the fast but as Gandhi once said, “There’s more to life than increasing its speed”.  I highly recommend the slow lane.  There’s much to see there and it’s a lot less stressful than always living your life in the fast lane.   

Living On Auto Pilot

I was deep in thought while driving to work this morning trying to come up with an idea for a daily thought.  The next thing I know I am at my wife’s office.  The bad news is that my wife wasn't with me since she is still home recuperating from her broken arm.  I was supposed to be at my office.  Apparently I was totally on auto-pilot.  I think many of us are on auto-pilot much of the time.  We get into our routines and they guide us through our daily responsibilities and tasks.  For many of us it is difficult to be spontaneous because we are so locked in to our daily schedules, especially during the work week, that we rarely break free of them.  I think this is why many of us love weekends.  Even if we have a good life and decent jobs we feel like birds let out of a cage when the weekend arrives.  The freedom makes us giddy even if our weekend is jammed with activities.  As an older person I like routine because it keeps me on track at a time in my life when memory occasionally fails me.  Sometimes I look for opportunities to break out of my routines and do things differently.  It’s easier said than done.  It is a daily challenge to live in such a way that life seems new and exciting.  I know from experience that life is hard and it can be demanding.  The unexpected is always right around the corner.  In spite of this I want to enjoy my life and I want to look forward to each new day.  I don’t want to dread life or be fearful of what it might bring me.  If every day can’t be exciting, then I hope it is at least interesting.  I don’t want to just get through life.  I want to live life.    

 

A Busy Morning

I generally enjoy any time that I am not working in my office.  This morning, however, even though I was out of the office, I felt like I was working.  I took my wife to the doctor, stopped at IHOP to satisfy her craving for pancakes, went to the Post Office, took my wife back home and got her settled, gassed up the car, and dropped a new prescription off at the pharmacy.  I was also a little surprised at the traffic when I finally drove downtown to work.  It was much heavier than it usually is in the early morning hours when I am normally on the road.  My real work day hadn't even started and I already felt the need for a nap.  Life can sometimes seem like a never ending to do list.  It seems like there is always something that needs to be done.  Even when one spends a day at home there is laundry to wash, dry, and fold, dishes to be loaded into the dishwasher, messes to be cleaned up, and trash to be taken out.  If you are a recycle nut like me there are always cans, bottles, and plastic to be put in the recycle bins.  I once lived under the illusion that life would slow down as I got older.  It hasn’t.  Many of the activities that made me busy in my youth have continued and in some cases new activities have been added to the list.  As much as I like to just be, I guess life is about movement and as long as you are moving you are living.  When you stop moving you are dead.