Feeling A Little Lost

I got up early today as I normally do on a Friday.  After having some coffee and toast with my wife I drove to the Abbey of Gethsemani.  My goal was to visit the grave of my friend, Father Dennis, and to spend a few hours enjoying the silence and solitude of the monastery.  After a visit to Dennis's grave, which was little more than a patch of dirt, I went into the retreat house.  I was sitting in the dining room quietly minding my own business when a lady working in the kitchen asked if I was on retreat.  When I shook my head no, she gave me a look that made me feel like I was trespassing.  Perhaps I misinterpreted her body language or she was simply wondering why I was there at a time when some guests are leaving and new guests are arriving.  I couldn't help but think to myself, "Lady, I used to be a member of this monastic community and I have been visiting here for over 40 years.  I don't think anyone would have a problem with me sitting in here".  Maybe it was just my mood.  On the way to the monastery I drove past Father Dennis's home and his truck is still parked in the driveway.  It made me a little sad.  While I was at the monastery I felt restless and a little lost, to say nothing of the tug of war that seemed to be going on in my intestinal track.  I climbed up St. Joseph's Hill and took in the panoramic view of the surrounding countryside.  I sat in the Abbey church for a while but it was humid and stuffy.  I felt like I was just wandering around and that I couldn't find a spot where I could relax and be.  My last stop was the Gift Shop where I purchased my favorite raspberry jam made by monks at another monastery as well as an excellent jazz CD by local musician Dick Sisto.  He has a connection with Gethsemani and was a friend of Thomas Merton.  He's also a wonderful vibraphonist.  I decided the rest of my day would be better spent at home which is where I am as I write these notes.  On a positive note, today's weather is picture perfect and I had a very pleasant drive home through the countryside.