When Young People Die

This past weekend a young member of my team at work passed away unexpectedly.  This is a piece I wrote in 2007 at the request of another young co-worker.  In view of this weekend's event, it seems appropriate to post it again.  

 

A friend came to me recently after attending a funeral for the 18 year old sibling of one of her best friends. She expressed to me how difficult the funeral was for her and how helpless she felt to console her friend. She asked me what can be said in such a situation. It is difficult for anyone to find the right words in such a situation. I have been through similar experiences. When I was 29 years old, my younger brother in law was killed by a drunk driver. A few years later a child in my neighborhood died in a house fire across the street from where I lived. Another time the only son of a good friend died of cancer at age 20. When my youngest son, Nick, was 17 years old, his best friend died unexpectedly the day after spending the night at our house. Each time I felt helpless as I struggled to find words for a sister in law, a neighbor, a friend, and my son. It is always difficult to deal with the death of a young person. None of us understand why such things happen. If God has anything to do with it, I don't understand what He's thinking. What's his purpose? What's the point? Why is such sorrow brought upon spouses, parents, friends, and relatives? Sometimes I shudder when, in such circumstances, I hear people say, "It's God's will". I don't like to let God off the hook so easily. There is probably a very thin line between what God wills and what God allows. I will accept the fact that many things in life are a mystery and one can have lengthy theological discussions about God and evil and why bad things happen to good people. I don't understand everything that happens in life and I certainly cannot give my friend or others easy explanations for why 18 year olds die and other's live to be 100 years old. Do the good die young? Yes, sometimes. Do bad people live long lives? Yes, sometimes. Do some of us live long lives because we need a lot of time for a deep spiritual transformation to take place within us? This is very likely. Life really is a mystery. It is not likely we will solve its mystery this side of the grave. Through faith we believe and trust that our lives and the lives of others, no matter how short, have a purpose and life is not just a series of random, meaningless experiences. I must believe that life and pain have meaning and someday I hope to understand it. Part of the mystery of life is that we never know when it will end. This should motivate us to live each day well and to the fullest.

It's Time To Get Back On The Horse

My mini-vacation has come to an end.  It was a busy time.  Over the weekend I drove 600+ miles, endured intense heat and humidity, bumper to bumper traffic from Interstate-40 to my hotel room, and billions of people spending the holiday weekend in Gatlinburg.  In the midst of all this chaos my oldest son, who shares my name, got married.  It was a beautiful ceremony in a small Smoky Mountain chapel.  The groom appeared nervous and the bride was beaming.  My son and his new wife seem well suited to one another.  Chloe wasn’t too thrilled about being dressed up and I have never worn a suit in Gatlinburg until now.  A few days before this event my wife and I attended a luncheon with the Archbishop and our other son in honor of his recent ordination.  Other priests were also honored for their combined 500+ years of ministry.  I guess my mini-vacation was really a time to be proud as a parent and to celebrate and recognize my children’s accomplishments.  Today my poor wife was moving slow as she returned to work after six weeks of short term disability.  I know she was exhausted by the end of the day but I am glad that our life is returning to its normal pace and routine.  Even though I was only off for six days, I feel like I’ve been off for six weeks.  It’s time to get back on the horse.    

 

My Childhood

I recently started reading the autobiography of a man who was a teacher at a seminary I attended.  We are not really friends but I have met and talked with him on occasion.  Like many such books it begins with some reflections on his childhood.  This caused me to think about my own childhood in the 1950’s and early 1960’s.  It was a different world then and very different from the world of my children and granddaughter.  The world of my childhood was a combination of "Leave it to Beaver" and "The Wonder Years".  I am the oldest child in a family of six children.  I was born in the spring of 1951.  We grew up in the suburbs.  At the time the suburbs were relatively new and had more of a country feel than a city feel.  My mother still lives in the same house where I grew up.  She has been there close to 60 years.  In my neighborhood all the dads went to work and all the moms stayed home.  Everyone knew everyone else’s parents.  Single parents were very rare.  We had no air conditioning or video games so children played outside all day in the summertime.  I can’t remember any fat children because we all played sports and rode our bikes a hundred miles a day.  In my childhood there was only one McDonald’s in Louisville and it was considered a real treat to go there.  I only remember one young mother with a job outside the home.  No one had heard of a daycare center.  My mother watched the child of the one woman that had a job.  Her job was as a secretary in a Mad Men kind of office.  I didn’t know what divorce was until high school when my aunt divorced my uncle.  It was a scandal.  My parents had been married 59 years at the time of my dad’s death in 2009.  I attended eight years of grade school with the same 20 or so kids.  Most parents of my classmates knew everyone else’s parent’s because they saw one another at church, scouting activities, and sporting events.  I realize now that my parents probably struggled quite a bit to feed and clothe six children on one blue collar salary.  I also realize now that we were probably poor but I didn’t know it.  I never missed a meal and I always felt safe.  Life wasn’t perfect but looking back it seems like a dream to me now.  In terms of material possessions and money I am now rich compared to the way I grew up.  However, despite these things I think I had a better quality of life as a child.  Today life seems stressful most of the time.  I understand that I was a child then and I am an adult now but life is too busy, too fast, and there are way too many people with way too many expectations.  My old neighborhood from a time long past now seems like Mayberry.  Come to think of it I did spend a lot of summer days fishing with my dad or my friends.  

 

Great Parent Moments

This will be a very short work week for me.  I like short work weeks.  The only thing better than a short work week is the no work week.  My wife and I are now members of “The Priest’s Parents Club”.  On Wednesday we are having lunch with the Archbishop and a few other people in honor of my youngest son who was ordained a priest back in May.  I’m sure my son is already nervous wondering what I may say to the Archbishop.  He can relax.  I will be good and not do anything to embarrass him.  This coming Saturday my other son is getting married.  My wife and I, along with my granddaughter, will be driving to Gatlinburg to attend the wedding.  I need to spend the rest of this week pumping up my wife for the trip since her arm is still in a cast and she is also dealing with the Shingles.  In spite of the happy occasion I am sure it will be a long weekend for her so I will do my best to make it as comfortable and easy on her as possible.  One more time as parents we cross our fingers in the hope that both of our children are on a firm and straight path in their life journeys.  Many who read these notes have small children whose needs can seem overwhelming at times.  It doesn’t get any easier.  The needs just change.  My children are in their 30’s now and I am still being a parent.  I don’t mean this in a negative way.  I mean that as parents my wife and I still worry about our children.  Fortunately they are doing fine but we still worry.  If your parents are still alive I can assure you they are still worrying about you.

The Contemplative Life

I have sometimes referred to myself as a contemplative.  What is a contemplative?  I am not an expert on contemplation but here's my perspective.  Keep in mind, however, that this is only one approach to the contemplative life.  People who know me well know I am very introverted and introspective.  I think you can learn to be contemplative but some personality types seem to be naturally contemplative.  I hesitate to call it a skill but as a behavior and a way of being one can practice it even if it does seem to go against your nature.  In all the major religions there are contemplative traditions but I also think you can be a contemplative person without necessarily being a religious person or one who goes to church every Sunday.  In my mind a contemplative person is one who takes the time to stand back or step away from the fast pace of life to simply breathe.  The contemplative is someone who likes life in the slow lane.  It's about being awake enough and present enough to not only notice the flowers but also be willing to stop and smell them.  It's being present to life in all its details.  Some call this mindfulness.  For those who are spiritually inclined it can also be about awareness of God's presence in life.  Perhaps you have read the story of the prophet Elijah in the Book of Kings in the Hebrew Scriptures.  He had challenged the prophets of the false god Baal to a duel.  To make a long story short, Elijah’s God won so the guys that lost ran Elijah out of town.  He hid in a cave on a mountain.  There was thunder and lightning and earthquakes and all that kind of scary stuff but God was not present in these things.  Finally, there was a small whispering sound like a gentle breeze.  Elijah hid his face for in the gentle breeze God was present.  The contemplative person is one who has achieved an interior quiet that allows him to notice the small whispering sounds in life where God is often present.  If you are constantly running through life, busy all the time, stressed out, and meeting yourself coming and going, you will miss such opportunities.  I don't think you can truly be a contemplative person if you are running through your life like your hair is on fire.  

Education And Wisdom

Education gives you knowledge but life gives you wisdom.  Many of the people I have interviewed for jobs and some of the people who work with me now are better educated than I am.   Their education, however, is just a starting point.  It is the foundation on which their life experience will build.  I am a strong advocate of education.  I think it separates people more than anything, including race or gender.  I wish now that I had given my education more attention when I was younger.  The experience of life hopefully makes us wiser but that is not guaranteed.  Not all older people are wise and not all younger people naive.  Wisdom chooses its home.  In the Rule of St Benedict, a 1500 year old guidebook for monasteries, the old are told to listen to the young for God often speaks through them.  Likewise, the young are told to treat their elders with respect.  Those of us who are a little older can learn from the young.  It happens to me almost every day at work.  Those who are younger should realize that their parents and other older people…including co-workers…are not clueless.  We've been down many roads in our lives and we have experienced many things that might prove helpful for those who have not yet had these experiences.  The bottom line is that you should never should stop learning.  To be a truly educated person, you must be open to everything that books and life teaches you and you must remember that education is also more than just having a skill.  An educated person is a thinking person who can see the connectedness of life and knowledge and be able to apply that knowledge and wisdom to the continued unfolding of life.

 

Simple Zen

Zen is doing what you are doing and being where you are.  It sounds simple but in reality is quite challenging.  Zen is also about balance.  This is also very challenging.  Keeping the different parts of our lives in balance is like spinning five or six plates on the end of long sticks all at the same time.  Getting enough rest, doing enough but not too much work, being with others and being with self, being active and being still, enjoying life and being present to the sacred, knowing when to go and when to stop, when to speak and when to be silent, is a daily challenge.  If your life feels out of balance, it probably is.  Life moves fast.  Sometimes you must slow down to keep it all from spinning out of control.  You can't be present to the moment if you meeting yourself coming and going.  Stop now, close your eyes and simply breathe for a moment.  Refresh yourself.  Do this throughout your day.  Go home at the end of this work day (if you are not already there) and practice slowing down.  Pay attention to your own breath and remember it is the source of your life.

Be where you are....