The Love Of Music

There were several times yesterday when music generated an emotional reaction from me.  The songs were not related to a specific time, feeling, person, or event.  They were just songs that caused an unexpected emotional response.  Music often stirs up memories.  As I write this I am listening to a recording of one of the best concerts I ever saw with Neil Young & Crazy Horse from the early 90's.  I cannot listen to this concert without thinking of that time in my life and the people who attended the show with me.  It also reminds this soon to be 67 year old hippie that I was a young fortysomething at that time.  I was still dangerous.

I received my first transistor radio in the early 1960's.  In those days no one had the fancy and sometimes expensive ear buds of today.  Most music was heard in mono so you only had one ear plug.  I would go to sleep at night listening to AM radio and the hits of the day.  If my friends and I spent the night together on a Friday night we always listened to the weekly Top 40 countdown.  It was on one such night that I heard the Beatles for the first time.

Around this same time period the older, teenage sister of one of my childhood friends took us to my first concert.  It was the original Beach Boys and they were a huge act at the time.  When they came out on stage with their matching outfits and guitars I was hooked for life.  It began a lifetime of attending live concert events that continues to this day, though I admit it doesn't happen as frequently as it used to happen.  A few bands have eluded me but over the years I have seen most of the greatest musical acts of my generation including Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, and the Doors.  The bands I have seen the most are the Allman Brothers Band, Grateful Dead, Moody Blues, and Pink Floyd.  There were also many other artists and bands I saw multiple times.

All in all, music has been the best and most reliable friend I ever had.  Music has been there for me in good times and bad.  If I am sad, it can make me happy.  If I am happy, it can make me happier.  Sometimes it can be an out of body experience that transcends time and space.  As David Crosby once sang, "Music Is Love".

Walking On Sunshine

Driving home this morning, after taking my granddaughter to school and my wife to work, I suddenly felt a lightness of being that I haven't felt since I retired.  It was like walking on sunshine.

It was actually dark, overcast, and raining...

It helped that one of my favorite songs was playing on the radio.  It's called "Scarlet Begonias" and it's by the Grateful Dead, who are one of my favorite bands of all time.  It is a song that you cannot listen to and be sad.  It has wonderful lyrics and a beat that makes even me want to dance.

I ain't often right but I've never been wrong, it seldom turns out the way it does in the song.  Once in a while you get shown the light, in the strangest of places if you look at it right.  The wind in the willows played tea for two, the sky was yellow and the sun was blue.  Strangers stopping strangers just to shake their hand, everybody was playing in the Heart of Gold band...

Yesterday I visited my former workplace for the first time since I retired.  Since my last day of work was kind of a disaster because of bad weather and the office being closed, I offered to come in to clarify a few things and tie up some loose ends.  I quickly realized that I did not miss work at all.  When I left I was happy to leave the problems behind.  What I did realize is that any sadness I felt about retiring was because of people.  My former co-workers seemed genuinely happy to see me.  I was feeling the love.  Most people said I looked well rested and stress free.  Someone I almost fired even gave me a hug.  I had lunch with my former boss and others who now are just friends.  Some people who saw me in the office were shocked that I was there.  I told them I wasn't real but that I was a hologram installed by Humana to improve morale.  Although I may go back for occasional visits, I think I can let work go.  It is the relationships I want to maintain.   

Attention To The Universe!

The last time I visited my mother in the nursing home while she was still coherent I arrived while she was getting some physical therapy.  I waited for her to finish.  When the therapist brought her out in a wheel chair I followed behind them.  The therapist said, "Mrs. Brown, you have a visitor".  I said, "Hello, mom, how are you today"?  She replied, "This is my retired son".  I think I am the first person in my family to retire since my father retired 22 years before his death 9 years ago.  At some point during my visit with my mother she asked, "What are you going to do with yourself?  You can only read so many books".  Boy, did she hit the nail on the head!  Reading and listening to music were two of my favorite activities when I didn't have much time to do them.  Now that I have endless hours to do both, I have an attention span of about five minutes.  Sometimes I walk around my own home as though I were lost.  That is usually when I head to the park.  Physical activity does help my often negative mood.

I need to figure out what I can do with my time that doesn't feel like a job.  One of my fellow retirees recently said to me, "I want to volunteer at the soup kitchen but not every day"!  Another friend who is still working, and who is a former co-worker, sent me an email and said, "You have a passion for leading and teaching.  It's a natural, God given talent.  Stop focusing on the retired Michael and focus on the teaching Michael and I think your journey will open itself to you". 😊

My friend makes a very good point.  Whatever opens itself up to me is not something I will find at home.

Attention to the Universe!  I am listening.  My ears and heart are on high alert.  Point me in the right direction for Phase Two of my life.  Sometimes you have to take a step before you see the path.  At this moment I am not sure what step one is but I will try to figure it out if it doesn't reveal itself to me.  

The Need For Authentic Friendships

I have not been myself lately.  The change is apparent to me so I have been wondering what is happening.   Retirement has been a major lifestyle change for me and I don't need to tell my regular readers that it has not been going smoothly.  I have been kind of wandering around without a sense of direction. Some friends have reached out to me with lunch invitations, book suggestions, and even a Zig Ziglar YouTube video.  I am sure other friends are tired of me talking about it but I can't seem to get motivated or over the hump.  I have never been an over-achiever and some would question my assertiveness, so I am struggling over what steps I need to take.  One friend counseled "baby steps".  The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step, right?  Anyway, I decided to research how I have been feeling since I retired.  I am definitely not in a vacation frame of mind.  I've come to the conclusion that I am depressed.  Here is how I have been feelings for weeks.

• A depressed mood most of the day (feeling sad, empty, emotional, etc.)
• A loss of interest or pleasure in activities you once enjoyed (music, reading)
• Difficulty sleeping, being tired, waking up throughout the night, etc.
• Overthinking.
• Restlessness, anxiety, with occasional feelings of panic.
• Feeling lost and without direction.
• Lonely and isolated.

I share this, not to get attention, but to let other people who may feel like me know they are not alone.

These feelings are a new experience for me.  Yes, I have often felt melancholy but I think that is part of my personality, i.e., the Dreamer and Romantic type.  The truth is that I have always been a strong person.  Other people come to me with their problems.  I am almost never the guy with a problem.  

Friends have given me two copies of a book called How To Retire Happy, Wild, and Free by Ernie Zelinski.  I had started reading it before I retired but never finished it.  Upon receiving a friend's concerned email, and the recommendation of the book, I once again picked it up.  I had left off right before a chapter on the importance of friendship.  I realize now that I have not done a very good job of having the kind of friendships that would be needed in a retired life.  With all due respect, spouses are not always our best friends.  Many spouses are complete opposites and you don't necessarily have a lot in common.  Additionally, many people retire while their spouse or significant other continues to work.  Like many people, most of my friendships were in the workplace and not all of them were true friendships.  Most were acquaintances.  My career was managing other people all day so at the end of a typical workday the last thing I wanted was to be with a bunch of people.  I am not involved in a church or other organization, sports don't interest me, and I do like and need some time alone.  The problem is that now I have too much solitude and no people that make me want to be alone.  It's a new and weird lack of balance in my life  The book says all of us need friendships that aren't work related.  I have few of those and now I realize it.  Going forward I need to work on renewing friendships as well as creating new ones with people I like, who have something in common, and who can help make my new life something to enjoy.

I am deeply appreciative of those of you who have reached out to me with concern or advice in recent weeks.

Next week I have having lunch with two faithful friends and I am even going into the office to meet with my former boss.  Because of the way my career ended on a day with a winter storm and a closed office we never had professional or personal closure.  She wants to "pick my brain".  I am not telling anyone that I am coming in so no one will know unless they read this blog.  We'll see how it goes. 

Mixed Emotions

A family member told me that one of my recent blogs was kind of sad and pathetic.  I am sure this is because I have not been writing much about the joys of retirement.  I have written more about the struggle I am having making this transition.  I have already admitted that I didn't see this challenge coming.  I truly thought it would be easier.  As long as I have been writing publically I have always tried to be honest about whatever I am feeling.  What I have been feeling in recent weeks is mixed emotions.  As someone who thinks too much and who analyses my life endlessly, I have spent much time trying to figure out why this has been so difficult for me.  I wouldn't say I am going through the Five Stages Of Grief but I think I am experiencing a sense of loss.  My former life, for better or worse, was my life for a very long time.  It was a life style.  To be honest, I haven't thought one minute about the actual work I did.  I have thought a lot about the people I worked with every day.  Some of them were people I interacted with for many years but were not necessarily close friends.  A few had become close friends.  I know what some of you are thinking.  They can still be my friends.  That is true but when you lose sharing a common experience, work friendships can be difficult to maintain.  There is also the reality of how relationships are perceived by individuals.  The value of a relationship can be seen differently by the people in the relationship.  I may have valued some relationships more than other people valued them.  If someone valued me, what was the reason?  Was it my role in the workplace or me as a person?  A big part of my life has slipped away from me and my world has gotten much smaller.  My former life may have been more important to me than I realized.

Having said all of this....

In approximately one month I will be 67 years old.  I never expected to work until I dropped dead.  If I hadn't retired when I did it wouldn't have been too much longer anyway.  It is a life changing event.  It is now late winter.  I am reminded that when the season is about to change it is never a smooth transition.  Earlier this week it was sunny and 80 degrees. The next day it was in the 40's with heavy rain and now my city is experiencing flooding.  It might be spring one day and winter the next day.  It could still snow again before it is all over.

Writing is how I process my life and my feelings.  Maybe some days I am sad and pathetic.  I am a human being too.  The famous baseball player Yogi Berra once said, "If you come to a fork in the road, take it".  At this stage of my life I was at a fork in the road so I took it.  Maybe I am a little lost.  Maybe I took the wrong fork.  Who knows?  Either way, some bridges are burned so I must find my way ahead.  There is another saying that goes something like, "If you can't find the path, make a new one".

A New Day

I apologize to any of my readers who read my last blog and wondered if they should contact my mental health provider for an immediate intervention.  It was an honest and truthful blog.  There are aspects of transitioning from being a full time worker to a full time retiree that I find challenging.  It is challenging to jump from a lifetime of daily 9-5 office life with hundreds of other people in the same rat race to a life of no major responsibilities all alone in your home.  OK, I do take care of all the laundry and grocery shopping now.  If my wife and I cook, I do the cooking.

Don't feel too sorry for me.  In a little while I will be going to the Post Office to mail in my passport renewal application so I can go on a cruise to the Grand Cayman Islands and Cozumel.  Now you can hate me for more than the fact that I no longer have to work unless I get really, really bored and I do it for fun or as a service to the world community.  I actually have some thoughts about volunteering but I have no acted on them yet.  All in due time.

Some of you know me personally and some only by my writing.  Let me assure everyone that I am fine.  I have received emails, Facebook messages, and other communications concerned with my well-being.  I have also received great feedback and suggestions from other retirees.

I will find my way in this brave, new world.  I have nowhere to go in particular and the rest of my life to get there.  Part of my personal challenge is that I tend to be a solitary and withdrawn person so it takes extra effort on my part to put myself "out there".  When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.  Many see me as a teacher but now I am a student.

 I love to hear from people whether I know you personally or not.  Some of my current friends are people I have never met.  These friendships began when people contacted me because they liked something I wrote.  I try to respond to as many people as I can.

I am a little behind schedule this morning.  It's time to be still and do my morning meditation.

I wish peace and good things for all of you. 

Some Thoughts On My Retirement

This past Friday I had lunch with a former co-worker.  In the course of our conversation she told me that another co-worker remarked that my absence from the workplace felt like a death.  Someone I was very close to would stand up to talk to me over the wall that separated us and then realize I wasn't there.  It almost made me cry to hear this.  I told my friend that my retirement kind of felt like a death on my end too.  Tomorrow I begin my sixth week of retirement and I must admit I am starting to struggle with it to the point of having some anxiety over it.  I do think I needed to get away from the work environment.  If I had my way I would not have left it completely.  I would have just reduced the number of hours I spent at work.  I was burned out after so many years of being a leader.  Although there were good things about the work environment there was also a lot of pettiness and what I call corporate BS.  However, I am starting to realize how much the social aspect of working in an office contributed to my well-being.  I was a well liked and popular person.  Even if some aspects of the work experience were driving me crazy, most of my co-workers enjoyed my presence.  I apparently did not realize how much I enjoyed their presence or how important the social aspect of work was to me.

I must admit that I am feeling lonely, a little forgotten, and completely lacking in purpose.  There was once a movie I really liked with Bruce Willis called "The Sixth Sense".  It was basically the story of a man who dies but he didn't realize it for a long time.  He thought he was living but was actually invisible to everyone else.  They were simply going about their lives and he was no longer a part of those lives.  Without sounding too dramatic I am starting to feel like this man.  All my former co-workers, and even my own family, are still living the lives they were living before I retired.  I, on the other hand, feel like the invisible man.  Even when I go to the park or to a store I feel like no one sees me.  I am completely alone a great deal of the time.  As an extreme introvert it is difficult for me to join groups and make new friends.  I have never been much of a group person and always preferred more one on one relationships.

I need to make some changes but am not yet sure what these changes need to be.  I need a reason to get out of bed besides taking my wife to work.

Admittedly, it is not all doom and gloom.  I do love my early mornings at home when I can have some quality alone time.  The struggles seem to begin with what we used to call in the monastery the "noonday devil".  I may feel bored and a little sorry for myself.  Then I start thinking too much and these thoughts often turn to anxiety when I wonder, "Is this what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life"?

Since my life seems to have come to a screeching halt, I do have a better understanding of other people's sadness and why many old people get tired of living.  Whether you work or not, you need other human relationships, a sense of purpose, and something to do that makes you happy.  I need to restore some balance in my life.  It has gotten lopsided.