Thursday, February 22, 2018

Mixed Emotions

A family member told me that one of my recent blogs was kind of sad and pathetic.  I am sure this is because I have not been writing much about the joys of retirement.  I have written more about the struggle I am having making this transition.  I have already admitted that I didn't see this challenge coming.  I truly thought it would be easier.  As long as I have been writing publically I have always tried to be honest about whatever I am feeling.  What I have been feeling in recent weeks is mixed emotions.  As someone who thinks too much and who analyses my life endlessly, I have spent much time trying to figure out why this has been so difficult for me.  I wouldn't say I am going through the Five Stages Of Grief but I think I am experiencing a sense of loss.  My former life, for better or worse, was my life for a very long time.  It was a life style.  To be honest, I haven't thought one minute about the actual work I did.  I have thought a lot about the people I worked with every day.  Some of them were people I interacted with for many years but were not necessarily close friends.  A few had become close friends.  I know what some of you are thinking.  They can still be my friends.  That is true but when you lose sharing a common experience, work friendships can be difficult to maintain.  There is also the reality of how relationships are perceived by individuals.  The value of a relationship can be seen differently by the people in the relationship.  I may have valued some relationships more than other people valued them.  If someone valued me, what was the reason?  Was it my role in the workplace or me as a person?  A big part of my life has slipped away from me and my world has gotten much smaller.  My former life may have been more important to me than I realized.

Having said all of this....

In approximately one month I will be 67 years old.  I never expected to work until I dropped dead.  If I hadn't retired when I did it wouldn't have been too much longer anyway.  It is a life changing event.  It is now late winter.  I am reminded that when the season is about to change it is never a smooth transition.  Earlier this week it was sunny and 80 degrees. The next day it was in the 40's with heavy rain and now my city is experiencing flooding.  It might be spring one day and winter the next day.  It could still snow again before it is all over.

Writing is how I process my life and my feelings.  Maybe some days I am sad and pathetic.  I am a human being too.  The famous baseball player Yogi Berra once said, "If you come to a fork in the road, take it".  At this stage of my life I was at a fork in the road so I took it.  Maybe I am a little lost.  Maybe I took the wrong fork.  Who knows?  Either way, some bridges are burned so I must find my way ahead.  There is another saying that goes something like, "If you can't find the path, make a new one".

2 comments:

Science IT and Leisure said...

Great...
thank you for sharing

Mike said...

I think I get what you mean about retirement. I can tell you after two years that I love it more and more. And I did love my two "jobs" of being a web/print manager and teaching tennis. But I get to now explore investing, walks, bike rides, nature, reading, cooking, music and it all works out. All pretty simple stuff really, but that's what I like. In other words, it is what it is but you'll find your own special way. Btw...truly enjoy all your articles. :)