The difference between grief and joy is what we do with
them. Grief we push away. Joy we try to hold on to. When we
refuse our grief, it stays. When we try to control our joy, it
leaves. That’s the way these processes are.
-Ann Wilson Schaef
I have not experienced a lot of grief in my life. Yes,
people have died in my life but for most of them it was their time and I was
able to accept it. A big exception to this was the death of a dear friend
last year that was both sudden and unexpected. I am still grieving that
loss. Of course, grief is about more than accepting and dealing with the
deaths of people. There are many kinds of losses in our lives. It
could be the end of a relationship or a job. In some ways I have lost my
children because they are now adults with lives of their own. They are no
longer the little boys who used to fight with me and beat me up in the middle
of my living room floor. I have also lost my youth and must accept that I
am not the man I was at age thirty. On a positive note I think I am a
better man although one with considerably less physical abilities. I have
been blessed to experience more joy in my life than sorrow. The
temptation of joy is the desire to re-create the situation that gave us
joy. I am thinking of a past solitary moment, early on a cool autumn
morning, when I sat on the side of a hill, while the sun rose over a lake and
the light was shining through the trees and burning the mist from the lake’s
surface. It was one of my contemplative, Zen moments and I experienced
what some psychologists call “flow.” This is the experience of being so
in the moment that you transcend time and space and are truly in the now.
On a different day I could plan such a moment and feel nothing. The joy
of the initial experience was a gift, not a reward. I did nothing to earn
it. It just happened. Does this make sense? As people we are
deeply emotional beings whether we realize it or not. Some of us embrace
our feelings while others of us repress them. I tend to do a little of
both. It’s easy to embrace joy or love but I tend to repress feelings
like anger. Sooner or later repressed feelings will make themselves
known. Often they show up as physical ailments like headaches or
depression. I guess my advice would be to feel your feelings. It’s
wonderful to jump for joy but it’s also OK to feel angry once in a while.
It’s all about balance. I’m not sure it’s possible to be happy, joyful,
and upbeat every minute of the day. To be honest, people like that wear
me out. However, if you are angry and negative all the time, you might
want to work on that. It’s not normal or
healthy.
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