Finally...A Decent Snow/Chloe & Pa Paw Spend The Day Together

Today has been a great day. It has been snowing all day. The accumulation has not been great but all the trees and bushes and the ground are covered. Driving home from my son's home this evening I had to drive slow because I could barely see.

The day began early with my granddaughter, Chloe, waking up about 6:00 AM wanting to talk. After discussing quantum physics and a few other lighter subjects, she drifted back into her dreams. We managed a couple more hours of sleep. Eventually, we got up, had some breakfast, and began watching cartoons. Later in the morning we danced in my music room to the beat of the Beach Boys. Afterwards, Chloe and I went to visit my parents while my wife stayed home to steam off old wallpaper....a task I wished to avoid. She is repainting the living room and replacing all the furniture. Now there is even more chaos in my life. My home is topsy turvy. While Chloe and I were at my parents, we spent some time playing in the snow and watching the birds eat the wild birdseed my mother puts out for them.

I've never had the problem of anyone loving me too much. Chloe, however, is crazy about her "Pa Paw". She adores me and I adore her. The problem is that once she is with me, she doesn't want to be out of my sight or go home to her parents. Tonight, after I took her home, she cried and cried when I left. It's wonderful to be so loved but it breaks my heart to see her so upset.

Chaos And Order

I've got to be honest. I dislike chaos. I am a person who likes harmony so I am forever trying to make things harmonious. When I am in any chaotic situation, and assuming I have any control over it, my first order of business is to bring about some order and calmness. I can't help it. It's who I am. Trying to be open minded, I guess all chaos isn't a bad thing. If you think about the big bang that supposedly created the universe we live in, that was a very chaotic event but life was born from the chaos. However, at some point, the chaos that created the universe evolved into order. Whether you believe in a purely scientific explanation for life or the version about creation found in the Bible, you can't deny there's order in the universe. Personally, I see no conflict between science and the scriptural view about creation and life. I believe in science and I believe in God. Why do we make everything an either/or question? Why can't people accept the fact that God is the brains behind science? I love sunrises and sunsets and the beauty attached to them. Everything about a sunrise or sunset can be explained scientifically. At the same time I have no problem giving God the credit for being the artist behind the magic. Perhaps chaos begets the order of the universe and order begets beauty.

Speaking of chaos and beauty. Chloe is coming over tonight. By the end of the night my living room will look like the big bang has repeated itself. But I don't care because Chloe is beautiful and being her Pa Paw has brought a sense of order into my life.

Do What You Are

If I could start my life over again, knowing what I know now, I think some things would be different. The only big change I think I would make is how I make a living. There's nothing wrong with what I am doing now. However, when I was young I didn't know enough about myself to know how best to live my life and what my life's "work" would be. Like many people much of my life seems to be an accident. Is that really true or do most of us end up exactly where we need to be in spite of ourselves? My life has never been entered into Microsoft Project with all its deadlines, milestones, and goals. I was reading a book once about the Myers-Briggs personality type indicator. The book was called Do What You Are by Paul and Barbara Tieger. The book suggested the best professions for all the different personalities. It said my personality type should be a priest, writer, or counselor, among other things. Of course, when I was young I had no idea what my personality type was. I was too busy trying to fit in. I had no interest in being unique. I wanted to be like others. What I find interesting now is that although I am none of these things officially or professionally, I have done and continue to do "work" that all these professions do. I am not a priest but I am a spiritual guide for some people. I am not a writer by profession but I do get encouragement to publish my daily thoughts. Finally, I am not a therapist or social worker but many have come to me over the years for advice or counseling. Maybe, despite whatever we do to make a living and earn our bread, our real "work" is simply to be who we are, trusting that God has put us exactly where we are needed.

Living Up To The Hype

It is really cold this morning. The wind chill is 2 degrees. My car doors were frozen shut and my beard was starting to freeze as I walked into my office from the parking garage.

I may have created a monster with my daily thoughts. I have shared so many thoughts about my life and myself that some people think I am more than I am. I believe some think I am the poster child for all I believe and strive to live. It is occasionally difficult to live up to my reputation. A couple of years ago there was an article about me in the newspaper. I was flattered but it was also embarrassing. Since I share stories about my family life, some imagine it is perfect. It's not perfect. I still can't get my 25 year old son to load the dishwasher. My wife still thinks that because I am a man I should be a master of all tools and that I am the only one capable of taking out the trash. After 30+ years of marriage I still can't fix the toilet. I love the teachings of the Buddha and the Dalai Lama but I am not a real Zen Master. One of my new co-workers thought that working with me would be one continuous Zen experience. She's probably disappointed. I am not always at peace with myself or the world and I do not walk around in a continuous state of bliss. Don't confuse the daze I am sometimes in with Zen bliss. Sometimes I am angry and frustrated and yes, occasionally I swear. I love and appreciate life but I also have moments where I feel empty and uninspired. Some of my best friends are monks, priests, and other holy types but I am still not as spiritual as I would like to be. I suppose I am a good enough person but like everyone else I have my flaws and it is a never ending battle to overcome some of them. If I have any wisdom, it the wisdom to recognize wisdom. I think I know what's important in life but I, too, sometimes get lost along the way. We are all flawed and we are all wounded. I am no different. So, if you encounter me in your life, please remember that the Michael Brown of the daily thoughts is just a person like you. I have mostly good days but some are less than stellar. Some days I want to be like my granddaughter and "choose not to participate in group activities" that are also known as life. I want to stay home, be alone, and play rock and roll music all day. How deep is that?

Dancing With God

The alarm goes off at 6:15 AM in my house. This is followed by a gentle nudge from my wife. When she woke me this morning I was in the middle of a dream where I was rescuing some stranded motorists whose car was on top of a Ferris wheel. What's up with that???

Here's something from the Persian poet Hafiz.

"We should make all spiritual talk simple today. God is trying to sell you something, but you don't want to buy. This is what your suffering is! Your fantastic haggling, your manic screaming over the price"!

This reminds me of something else I listened to recently. I have a friend who does a lot of preaching and retreat work. In one of his talks he speaks of God being like a dance. In the spiritual life God invites us into the dance. We must allow ourselves to be pulled into the dance. Unlike many things in life you can't buy your way in. However, some still try to buy their way in. ...haggling and screaming over the price.... and thus they suffer.

Here are a few thought's from the Dalai Lama's book I am reading on "Compassion".

"A change of heart is a change of mind".

"Developing wisdom is a process of bringing our minds in accordance with the way things really are".

Yesterday I forgot to mention two comments that were on my granddaughter's report card from the day care center.

"Chloe is the most articulate child in her age group".

"Chloe sometimes chooses not to participate in group activities."

She sounds a little bit like her Grandpa.

In The Wake Of Chloe

I was almost glad to return to work today. I needed the rest. After my granddaughter spends the night at my house I sometimes feel like I have been beaten up. Don't get me wrong. I love her dearly and enjoy her presence. The marathon began on Saturday afternoon. I went to my son's home to pick up Chloe. When I got there she was asleep. When she woke up she showed me her newly painted room and we played with her toys. Afterwards we went to dinner with the entire family, including my mother in law. Chloe was doing back flips in the restaurant trying to attain her freedom from the seat next to me. The next 24 hours was a never ending rotation of getting up and down, playing on the floor, and being a beast of burden while she rode on my back. If she said "Pa Paw" once, she said it a thousand times. We talked about many things. We drank punch flavored juice and ate popcorn. Whenever I awoke through the night, we were nose to nose. It is, however, very enjoyable to wake up with Chloe in the bed. She sits up and immediately begins a conversation. When we finally decided to get up, we went downstairs for some milk and donuts. When she went home I was left with a joyful exhaustion. I can't wait until her next visit.

Here are some notes from Chloe's last report card from the day care.

"Chloe is the most articulate child in her class".

"Chloe sometimes chooses not to participate in group activities".

Hmmmm.....sounds a bit like her grandfather!

Saturday Morning And Home Alone

It's a cold Saturday morning. Outside my window it is 20 degrees. The room I am in was 57 degrees when I arrived. With my little electric heater going it is now up to 61 degrees. I am home alone with my cat. My wife left earlier to run some errands. I was still in my dreams when she left and did not hear her leaving. My son is at work. Later today we will go pick up Chloe and have a family dinner that will include my mother in law. Till then I will enjoy my solitude. I love Saturday mornings. Usually I get some extra sleep. Reading the morning paper and sipping hot coffee is a simple joy that I do not have on a workday. It doesn't take much to make me happy. I am a man who enjoys simple things. Soon I will leave this cold room and go to a warmer spot. I will sit in my cozy chair and watch an Eric Clapton concert on DVD. On April 6th I will get to see Eric Clapton live in Columbus, Ohio. Once I am with all the family later today there will be no more alone time or rest. When my granddaughter, Chloe, arrives there will be lots of activity. I still get excited everytime I know she will be here but like most toddlers she is very curious and demands a watchful eye. She definitely has more energy than me. Still, I love to see her and when she leaves I am filled with a happy exhaustion.