Be Happy With What You Have To Be Happy With

We all have many fears whether we admit it or not. Some of these fears are rational and some are mostly irrational. One of my personal fears is that my life is simply ordinary. There's really nothing wrong with ordinary but I've always wanted my life to be special, to mean something, and to not be insignificant. I've never wanted to be someone who just goes through the motions even though I do that a great deal of the time. It's a little strange for me to have a fear of the ordinary because I have written much in the past about how the extraordinary is often found in the ordinary. In spite of the fact that I actually believe this and many times have experienced it, I am guilty of not always seeing the obvious or appreciating what is right in front of me. Is there really any such thing as an ordinary life? Maybe we won't be famous or change the world but is there any life that doesn't impact others? In the last five years my wife and I have lost three parents, two of them in the last six months. In many ways our parents were very ordinary people but their loss and absence has left a huge void. My Dad is very much on my mind since he died three months ago today. Maybe it's impossible for any of us to appreciate the void we all will leave someday. Our day to day activities may be the ordinary tasks of daily living but our lives are never really ordinary.

One of my favorite rock bands has a CD entitled "Be Happy With What You Have To Be Happy With". This is very good advice. I get so tired of myself for not appreciating what I have and for always falling into the trap of thinking so much is missing in my life. I am often weary of my own inability to be happy. For a self proclaimed optimist, I too often see a half empty glass. My dissatisfaction with much of life seems more intense at this time of my life. Personal issues that have probably always been part of me seem to be demanding attention. I think I have spent much of my life repressing things I don't want to deal with. I think this is typical of people with my type of personality. I am an avoider. I like my peace and harmony so I tend to dismiss troubling thoughts and feelings. It should be easy for me to be happy. Why am I so resistant to it? Lots of people think I have deep insight into many things. If this is true I seem to have insight into everything but myself. I don't like the way I often feel but these feelings should be no surprise either. Two of my favorite spiritual writers had their own brokenness. Thomas Merton, monk, contemplative, and spiritual master, often wanted everything but what he had. Like me he often had moments of joy and bliss, but he also had moments of deep longing. Henri Nouwen, another spiritual master and writer of many books, was a very broken person who was often lonely. He acknowledges this in one of his most famous books entitled "The Wounded Healer". Even the rock star, Pete Townshend, in his biography that I just finished, says, and I paraphrase, "I've come to the conclusion that everyone on a serious spiritual journey is a lonely person". Perhaps it is true that our restlessness, our feelings of emptiness, and our loneliness are all part of the spiritual journey. I guess such a journey is anything but ordinary.

Chloe Visits Pa Paw At Work

Today my granddaughter visited me at work. I was tipped off that it was going to happen but it was still a great feeling to see her walk down the aisle where I sit. Like always, she was a little shy at first and wary of my co-workers. Eventually she got into her comfort zone and the real Chloe began to emerge. Her mother works for the same company as me but these days she works from a home office. While Mommy went off to visit some friends, Chloe sat at my desk and played with my Zen garden. She loves to rake the sand. Her main question today was "Why is Buddha red"? When it was time to go she was very resistant until I promised her that Mommy would take her to McDonald's for lunch. After she left I gathered all the sand that was spread across my desk and I returned my small Zen garden to its original condition. Buddha can now resume his deep meditative state. Today was like a sneak preview of what tomorrow will bring. After I sleep in tomorrow morning and then have a few leisure hours, my wife and I are going to see the new Star Trek movie. I am a huge fan of Star Trek beginning back in the late 60's when the original television show was on. I have spent many years with Kirk, Spock, Bones, Scotty, Sulu, and all the rest, going where no man has gone before. When I get back from outer space tomorrow I will be heading over to Chloe's house so I can steal her from her parents. This is not very challenging because they never put up a fight. Afterwards, I'll go out to dinner with my wife and Chloe, as well as my son who is home from college. He will be around for about a month before heading back to Indianapolis for a couple of classes that must be completed in order to graduate this summer. Whenever Chloe is at my house for a sleepover, my weekend is very full.

Today is Friday and that is the day I treat myself to a workday lunch at some area restaurant. Usually I go with my friend, Wendy, who is also a co-worker. A while back we worked together in the same department and we really hit it off. She's one of those people who is just easy to be with. Even though I am a lot older, we have similar personalities and much in common. Lunch with Wendy is always enjoyable and we have some great conversations that are usually full of laughter.

I am very happy that another work week is over. I always enjoy my weekends. Next week will be a short work week because I am taking off next Friday and going to the monastery for three days. I am in great need of the silence and solitude provided there.

Balance Is Found In The Tension Of Opposites

I am a dreamer, a romantic, and an idealist. It's a tough combination and a very challenging way to live. I suppose if I am honest I must admit there's also an element of sadness about me because I expect so much from life and it rarely lives up to my expectations. However, I am not all doom and gloom. The payoff for being such a person is that I can quickly be swept off my feet into a perfect Zen moment or a grace filled experience of contemplation. Life will sometimes ambush me with unexpected bliss. C.S. Lewis wrote a book called "Surprised by Joy". I have the book on my bookshelf although I haven't completed it. My appetite for acquiring books is greater than my ability to actually read them. The point is that I am often surprised by joy but I also think there is a price for such surprises. My ability to deeply feel bliss and joy is balanced by the experience of also feeling very sad at times. I don't bounce back and forth. I am not bipolar. I am not usually high or low on the happiness meter. I actually think I am a rather balanced person. I once came up with the thought that "balance is found in the tension of opposites". My personal balance is found in the tension of feeling great joy and, occasionally, deep sadness.

I once read that the so called "mid life crisis" is caused when everything that worked for you in your life up to that point stops working for you and what were weaknesses or secondary strengths and skills suddenly push themselves to the fore front. It's almost like your life is turned upside down in mid life and you must start living with different skills. I don't know if this is really true or not. I recently started thinking about it after taking a "brain test" to determine if I am a left brain or right brain person. On previous tests I always came out as a right brain person and that seemed to make sense to me. This recent test, however, said I was a left brain person. I'm sure most people know the difference but for those that don't, left brain people tend to be more analytical and right brain people are usually more conceptual and abstract. Certainly the right brain concept fits my own perception of myself as a dreamer and one who is somewhat creative. In the workplace, however, I am considered by many as very analytical and numbers oriented. In the workplace I'm very good at "crunching the numbers" and analyzing them. I am considered by many to be a deep thinker who can connect the dots and see the big picture. I think all of this is mostly true but at the end of the day I am still a dreamer, a romantic, and an idealist who loves to be surprised by joy. When joy happens I don't try to analyze it. I just enjoy it.

Living A Life Of Poetry

When I left home this morning it was overcast and slightly cool. The morning air was refreshing as I walked through the park to my office. By midday the sun was shining and the day was warm. Before lunch I went outside for a short walk and a few minutes of simply sitting in the sun enjoying the moment. Most of my workday I was quietly sitting at my desk and working while quiet Zen music played in the background. It was very relaxing and peaceful. In my peacefulness I decided to take a Tao break and read today's thought. In my peaceful mood, it was quite an eye opener.

Banish uncertainty.
Affirm strength.
Hold resolve.
Expect death.

Great! On a day when I am finally feeling some life within me, I am told to expect death. Gee, that's uplifting! What is the Tao trying to tell us today? According to the commentary it is telling us to make our own destiny and do not falter in our resolve to fulfill it. Our resolve to tread the path of life is our best asset. Death is unavoidable but let it not be from a loss of will but rather because our time is over. Overcome the obstacles of life and realize its potential. We will know happiness and we will know sadness. This is the nature of human existence and we must accept this. Everyday our lives grow shorter by twenty four hours. The time to make achievements becomes more precious. We must fulfill everything we want in life and then release our will at the moment of death. Our lives are a creation that dies when we die. When we release our lives and give up our individuality we merge completely with Tao. However, until that moment arrives, we should create the poetry of our lives with toughness and determination.

At first glance all of this may seem a little morbid. Who wants to think about death? I don't think this is really about death. It's about living life to it's fullest. We all waste many of the days of our lives. We get lost in our bad moods, our lethargy, our wandering, and our failed dreams. I like the Tao's idea of "creating the poetry of our lives". We can live very happy and poetic lives without necessarily having great achievements in the eyes of the world. I admit that it is challenging to live life as poetry. So many of us feel bored and trapped in routines and obligations. Somehow, and it's not easy, we must find freedom in the demands of life. The poetry of life is what Thomas Merton saw as a "hidden wholeness". The poetry of life is not always visible. It often lurks right below the surface. If we are to live poetic lives we make see life with the eyes of an artist. We must see below the surface. We must see the "hidden wholeness" of our destiny.

5000+ Visits

Sometime today I had the 5000th hit on this blog. I'm not sure what to think of this. I'm still surprised that anyone wants to read anything I write. When I did daily thoughts on email I often felt good about what I sent out. In those days I felt like I was providing something of value that many people needed. I often felt like a teacher whether I was writing about psychology, contemplation, or Zen. Occasionally I was able to make people feel good with stories of my granddaughter or tales of my rock and roll adventures. I felt as though I was raising the consciousness of many people and giving them a new way to look at themselves and life. In recent months, however, I have felt stagnant and uninspired. Too often I have been negative, probably boring, and a little pretentious to boot. Sometimes I feel pressured to be inspiring but I know I do this to myself. To be honest I don't think anyone can be intentionally inspiring. If I am inspiring to anyone, it is a happy accident or the desire of a higher power to use me for that purpose. My life is very ordinary and so am I. I'm just an everyday person who has tried to share the thoughts that orbit in my head and the simple adventures of my life and to do this as honestly as I can with language that is enjoyable to read. In spite of my ups and downs as a person I know I have some faithful readers who've been with me for a while. I also know there are strangers all over the United States and around the world who find me by accident through the power of Google. A few of you have become long distance friends. So, whether you are an old friend, a new friend, or complete stranger, I appreciate your visit and I hope that I sometimes write something that you enjoy. Blogging is something that doesn't usually give you much of a payback. As I have said before, when I post something on this blog it is like scattering seeds to the wind. You have no idea where they will land or if they grow into anything. I don't expect responses to anything I write but I am always happy to hear from people. So, if you are one of the 5000+ who have received one of my seeds and it made your day a little better, I'd love to hear from you. Even bloggers need a little encouragement!

Music Is Life

Last night, after a pizza dinner at a local restaurant, I went to my neighborhood Border's Book Store where they were having a 50% off sale on all music CD's. I was like an unsupervised child in an all you can eat candy store. Using some restraint but full of unbridled joy and enthusiasm, I went up and down the aisles with the eye of an eagle scooping up one great deal after another. I spent $75 but I walked out with $150 worth of CD's. I don't normally spend that much at one time on music purchases but I was rewarding myself for a cash bonus I received from my employer. The rest of the money will be saved for my next family vacation. Arriving home with my bag of goodies reminded me once again of the great joy that music gives me. As I have written before, music is more than just entertainment for me. Music is life. I know there are probably snobby and serious music aficionados who would question the talent and musical quality of many of the artists that I enjoy. Just for the record, I really like composers like Beethoven, Bach, and Mozart. However, the music that is the soundtrack to my life is rock and roll. Yesterday's purchases were by the Who, the Cream, the Band, Jethro Tull, the Jerry Garcia Band, and just because I am occasionally in a Key West, Margaritaville, Cheeseburger in Paradise frame of mind, some live Jimmy Buffet. I also bought a collection of 40 songs from the summer of 1967. If you were part of my gang in the "Summer of Love", these would be the songs blasting from my tinny little car radio as we drove around in my 1962 VW Beetle. I love my rock and roll and I make no apologies for it.

Due to the kindness of my boss, I unexpectedly got off work early today. I drove a few blocks away from my office, parked my car, and walked to 4th Street Live which is an entertainment section of downtown Louisville. There was lots of activity going on there. Roadies were setting up for a concert and scores of people were sitting in outdoor cafes having a drink. There's also a huge Border's Books there so I thought I would check that out. I succumbed to buying a couple more CD's...Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young plus one by the Grateful Dead. On my way out I bought a sugar free vanilla latte before finding a table out on the street. I love to watch people and 4th Street Live is a great place to do that with it's eclectic assortment of humanity. There was a Colonel Saunders look alike (think fried chicken), a heavily pierced Goth couple at the table next to me, and lots of beautiful women in town for the Derby. I am old, not dead, so I do notice beautiful women when they walk...or strut... pass me. I make a big deal sometimes about my love of solitude. The truth is, however, I also love being in a happening place with good vibes in the air and a wide assortment of colorful people.

Recalibrating My Mind

Today is Friday and I always feel good on Friday. Another work week has drawn to a close and another weekend awaits me. When I walked outside this morning everything felt great. The air was cool and the day seemed full of promise. Last night I had a small epiphany. Every Thursday I receive the local Catholic newspaper in the mail. I usually don't read all of it but there is one column by a local priest that I always like. I've met him several times but don't really know him except through his writings. His writings alone make me like him. Reading his article yesterday made me think of my own writing. There are many people who only know me through my writing. If their introduction to me has only been through my writing of the last several weeks they may not have a very good opinion of me. I've done a lot of whining and constant complaining is not really who I am. The local writer that I refer to above quoted one of my favorite songs in his column yesterday and it really hit home with me. It was a song written by Jackson Browne that was also performed by the Eagles. The song is titled "Take it Easy" and the lyric that he quoted was "Don't let the sound of your own wheels make you crazy". Lately I have been doing exactly this. I've been falling victim to the wheels of negativity spinning in my head. Some scientists have said that our minds are programmed to be negative unless we intentionally think positive thoughts. In the Buddhist tradition we are told that our suffering comes from our own mind more than external circumstances. The sad thing is that I know all this and still I fell into the trap. So, going forward, I will recalibrate my mind one more time to refrain from negative thinking. I will quit feeling sorry for myself and I will once again strive to live with a grateful heart and a joyful spirit.