The poet Robert Frost sums up life in three words. It goes on. These three simple words also sum up very well my particular part of the great adventure and mystery called life. I am trying to minimize my life and pare it down to that which is essential. What is essential may be no more complicated than working, resting, and playing, with a little intellectual activity thrown in to keep what's left of my brain from completely shutting down. At this time I have little desire for anything but the essential. I love the simple and uncomplicated life. I do not need challenges or excitement to be fulfilled. When the time comes for retirement from necessary work, the transition to an old man who putters around the house and wanders from room to room will be an easy one for me.
In the eternity that is now I still feel like a busy man and life remains chaotic. The home front is still in the midst of remodeling and updating. I expect my kitchen and laundry room to be gutted and emptied this week as new cabinets are installed or built and new appliances replace the old ones. I like order in the universe but in my home a "Big Bang" is creating a whole new universe. It is nerve racking at times living with the chaos and the unpredictability of contractors but it will be worth it in the end. If you take the construction out of my life, all is relatively calm. Hopefully all the work will be completed by the end of the month and my life will go on in a more peaceful and less stressful environment.
Tuesday, May 04, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Awesome Things Volume XV
One of my favorite restaurants will soon be in my neighborhood! Recently a gasoline station near my home was demolished and some new construction began. I assumed it would be another bank even though no one has any money. Last Monday, however, I saw a sign telling me the new construction is a Frisch's restaurant. I have been eating at Frisch's since I was in high school and you know how long ago that was. I'm kind of in the mood for a Big Boy hamburger and some French fries right now!
My granddaughter calling me on the telephone last night. It's just a matter of time before she emails me or sends me a text message. Anyway, she called me last night to tell me about the three caterpillars she caught in her backyard. One is fat and two are skinny. The fat one was "full of rain". I told her I would like to see them so she said, "Why don't you come over right now"?
A rainy afternoon and a good book. Most of last weekend was busy but I managed to have a quiet afternoon on Sunday. Outside my window was a gentle rain. Inside, as the washing machine swished and the dryer tumbled, I sat in my chair with a good book that was recommended by a friend. It was perfect and everything a Sunday afternoon was made for. If the dryer buzzer didn't go off on a regular basis, it would have been the perfect scenario for a nap.
Sunshine. OK, I get that we need rain and I've even enjoyed it a little. However, it's Derby week. I'm ready for a little sunshine so all the people who like to participate in all the Kentucky Derby events can enjoy themselves without needing an umbrella. Admittedly a rainy day is a perfect time to be home with a good book. The problem is that I am not an home with a good book. I'm at work with an inventory report. I like to take walks outside and I would prefer to do it under blue skies and bright sunlight. Rain, rain, go away, please come back another day!
Everything! One thing I have learned in life is that it's the little things that make me happiest and that give me the most contentment. Here's a few things that come to mind. I'm sure you have your own list.
A good night's sleep, a full moon, a great cup of coffee, laughter, your favorite song on the radio, a letter or email from an old friend you haven't heard from in a while, anytime anything goes my way, lunch with a friend, anything my granddaughter does, especially when she hugs me, a quiet day at work, a peaceful neighborhood, family, great co-worker's, finding a desired CD that you thought was no longer available....I could go on and on and on. Happiness begins with gratefulness. What are you grateful for?
Self Knowledge. People sometimes talk about "finding themselves". It actually happens. When I was in my mid 40's I had a sudden realization of who I was, why I acted the way I did, why I felt the way I do, and why I thought the way I do about many things. It took a lot of what some call "inner work" to come to this realization. Things like the Myer's Briggs, Enneagram, and StrengthFinder's also helped a lot. My moment of realization was an "aha" moment for me. I would love to tell you that such self knowledge makes all your problems and issues go away but it doesn't. What it does give you is knowledge and some skill to deal with your own dysfunctions and inadequacies as well a recognizing your gifts as a person.
Friendship. Today I had lunch in the park with my best friend at work. It was a simple meal that we purchased from a hot dog vendor outside our building. Sitting in the bright sunlight, on a beautiful day, it seemed like a great feast. Neither of us was in the mood for work but laughter and fresh air revived us and we both felt better when we returned to the office. There's a reason our employee satisfaction survey asks whether or not you have a best friend at work. Let's be honest. Most of us would not be here if we didn't need to be. However, the challenges and frustrations of the work day can be greatly alleviated by having a good friend at work. I can't go out to lunch everyday but I usually do it at least once a week. It is good for the soul and is one of life's simple joys.
My granddaughter calling me on the telephone last night. It's just a matter of time before she emails me or sends me a text message. Anyway, she called me last night to tell me about the three caterpillars she caught in her backyard. One is fat and two are skinny. The fat one was "full of rain". I told her I would like to see them so she said, "Why don't you come over right now"?
A rainy afternoon and a good book. Most of last weekend was busy but I managed to have a quiet afternoon on Sunday. Outside my window was a gentle rain. Inside, as the washing machine swished and the dryer tumbled, I sat in my chair with a good book that was recommended by a friend. It was perfect and everything a Sunday afternoon was made for. If the dryer buzzer didn't go off on a regular basis, it would have been the perfect scenario for a nap.
Sunshine. OK, I get that we need rain and I've even enjoyed it a little. However, it's Derby week. I'm ready for a little sunshine so all the people who like to participate in all the Kentucky Derby events can enjoy themselves without needing an umbrella. Admittedly a rainy day is a perfect time to be home with a good book. The problem is that I am not an home with a good book. I'm at work with an inventory report. I like to take walks outside and I would prefer to do it under blue skies and bright sunlight. Rain, rain, go away, please come back another day!
Everything! One thing I have learned in life is that it's the little things that make me happiest and that give me the most contentment. Here's a few things that come to mind. I'm sure you have your own list.
A good night's sleep, a full moon, a great cup of coffee, laughter, your favorite song on the radio, a letter or email from an old friend you haven't heard from in a while, anytime anything goes my way, lunch with a friend, anything my granddaughter does, especially when she hugs me, a quiet day at work, a peaceful neighborhood, family, great co-worker's, finding a desired CD that you thought was no longer available....I could go on and on and on. Happiness begins with gratefulness. What are you grateful for?
Self Knowledge. People sometimes talk about "finding themselves". It actually happens. When I was in my mid 40's I had a sudden realization of who I was, why I acted the way I did, why I felt the way I do, and why I thought the way I do about many things. It took a lot of what some call "inner work" to come to this realization. Things like the Myer's Briggs, Enneagram, and StrengthFinder's also helped a lot. My moment of realization was an "aha" moment for me. I would love to tell you that such self knowledge makes all your problems and issues go away but it doesn't. What it does give you is knowledge and some skill to deal with your own dysfunctions and inadequacies as well a recognizing your gifts as a person.
Friendship. Today I had lunch in the park with my best friend at work. It was a simple meal that we purchased from a hot dog vendor outside our building. Sitting in the bright sunlight, on a beautiful day, it seemed like a great feast. Neither of us was in the mood for work but laughter and fresh air revived us and we both felt better when we returned to the office. There's a reason our employee satisfaction survey asks whether or not you have a best friend at work. Let's be honest. Most of us would not be here if we didn't need to be. However, the challenges and frustrations of the work day can be greatly alleviated by having a good friend at work. I can't go out to lunch everyday but I usually do it at least once a week. It is good for the soul and is one of life's simple joys.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
That Was Then, This Is Now
Walking around my office today with my headphones on, listening to psychedelic music by a 60's band called Moby Grape that was recorded live at the famous Avalon Ballroom in 1968, made me feel like I was on an acid trip. I haven't actually been on a acid trip for approximately 40 years but I can still remember them. I am not going to lie. At the time I really enjoyed them and I think they gave me a whole new way of looking at life. That was then, this is now.
I had a quiet day at work today and I mostly kept to myself. I wasn't in a bad mood and I wasn't feeling anti-social. In a manner of speaking I was cocooning within myself. Periodically I need to retreat from the world even when I cannot physically get away from my daily life. I can be in the middle of my very large office and not really be there. Sometimes I almost believe I have the gift of invisibility.
The reaction to my recent resignation has been overwhelmingly positive. A number of people have sent me very warm and supportive emails thanking me for all I've done and some even said they admired my courage and ability to discern that it was the right time to do what I did and that I actually did it. I was truly grateful for all the support. This resignation relieves me of some responsibility, and a little worry, but it does not suddenly provide me with lots of time. I am still working full time at my "paying" job. It is a reasonably pleasant job but I often grow tired of it. I think what I need more than anything is some real rest and relaxation. One email I received had "Cheer Up!" in the subject line and when I opened it the first line read, "You have major burnout". I didn't really think of my situation in those terms but I think there is some truth to this. I certainly am not immune to burnout. By the time you are my age you have probably been doing a lot of things, maybe the same things, for a very long time. This is certainly true for me. Along with the psychic fatigue, there is certainly some burnout and lots of boredom with the routines of my life. I don't have an immediate plan of action for this but I told a friend this morning that I am at an age where I want to let go of more and take on less. My immediate goal is to do nothing and be nothing. That has a certain Buddhist tone to it and I like that. I need to rejuvenate myself so that is what I hope to do.
Today was a beautiful day.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Cloud Hidden, Whereabouts Unknown
Last night I tossed and turned all night. If it wasn't for remembering bits and pieces of a few dreams I would have thought that I never slept at all. When my morning alarm went off I felt exhausted as though I had spent the night wrestling with an angel. One of my first coherent thoughts after shaking the sleepiness from my head was my weekend decision to make a change in my life relating to one of my commitments. Still resolved to carry it through I got out of bed to get ready for work and begin my day. After arriving at work, and getting past a few early morning chores, I sent an email to the appropriate persons and I resigned as a leader from an organization that I helped found nearly twenty years ago. I was not angry about anything nor was I protesting anything nor was I having a falling out with anyone. It is simply time to move on. Here is some of what I wrote.
This past Friday afternoon, and again at 4:00 AM on Saturday morning when I suddenly awoke from a deep sleep, I had some rare moments of clarity. I have been struggling for quite a while with my personal involvement with the Lay Cistercians. I have been desiring for several years to step back and let others step forward. At this time I have reached a point where I can no longer wait for that perfect moment to arrive or make itself known, so I am resigning as the leader of the Kentucky Lay Cistercians and as a member of the LCG Advisory Committee. Even though I have never hidden my desire to do this I am sure this email may be a shock to you and seem to appear out of the blue. As I said, I have been struggling with this for a while. We Enneagram Nines can take forever to make a decision but when we do, it's done. I am doing this for a number of reasons, all of which are personal. It is by no means a reflection on any of you or the good work you do. I don't want to burden you with my existential angst but I suppose I owe you at least a few reasons why I am doing this.
On a personal level I struggle very much with living the Lay Cistercian life in a meaningful and authentic way.
A fatigue that is both physical and spiritual that has zapped me of any enthusiasm, desire, and ability to deal with the challenges and struggles of the continued LCG evolution.
A belief that I have little more to offer the LCG. I think I have said all I have to say and I have done all I can do.
My relationship with the Church at large. To say I am angry and disappointed with the Catholic Church would be an understatement. This is made more challenging for me since I have a son in the seminary.
I need to not be involved in anything right now. I've always been a more solitary type and at this time I feel a personal need to "go off to a quiet and lonely place". Therefore, I will not be participating in the LCG until such time as I feel called to rejoin it.
I have not informed my local LCG community yet of this decision but I plan to do so later today. They will do fine without me. In fact, I think it will be good for them to not have me around. As a founder I get more respect than I deserve and I sometimes feel that people think I am leader for life. I have sometimes felt my presence may even be an obstacle to the growth and development of the Kentucky LCG.
I don't know what else I can say about this and I apologize in advance for any inconvenience it may cause. However, I feel very strongly that I am making the right decision.
Tonight I feel at peace for making this decision. It was difficult for me to make. I am, however, relieved that I finally made it and did not loose my resolve to carry it through. Once implemented I was also deeply touched by the warm response of other leaders and participants in the organization.
After I made this decision and informed others of it, I was reminded of the following Zen poem.
Under the pines I ask the boy,
"Where is the master"?
He says, "My master's gone to gather herbs. I only know he's on the mountain, cloud hidden, whereabouts unknown".
I, too, am cloud hidden, whereabouts unknown.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
The Inner Light
There is a gentle rain outside my window. Inside there is the swishing of the washing machine and the tumbling of the dryer. Music is also playing in the background as I dive in and out of a good book that I am reading between laundry chores. This afternoon I have been able to salvage part of my weekend. Yesterday was full of busyness and minor chaos as the home improvements continue and the dust is stirred up. This morning was partially spent gathering items for a run to the Goodwill store. That was a chore I didn't mind because I love getting rid of stuff that might be useful to others. Before the activity started I did have some wonderful quiet moments when I was alone and the rest of the family was still asleep in their beds. My son is home this weekend but will be returning to the seminary in a few hours. He was home for the weekend to attend an ordination and to visit the inner city parish where he will live this summer.
Friday afternoon, and again this morning at 4:00 AM when I suddenly woke up from a deep sleep, I had some moments of clarity about something I have been struggling with for a long time. Sometimes it takes me forever to make a decision but once I make it, it's usually over. Hopefully, I will implement my decision before I loose my resolve. It's not really a life changing decision but is concerning something that's been troubling me for a while.
Without intending to sound too esoteric, in a certain sense I feel as though I have lost myself and my way these days. Nothing is really wrong, at least no more than usual, but I am feeling like I don't know where I am in my life. I'm not really unhappy, in fact I am rather content. What I feel like I have lost is a sense of purpose and direction. By not having a sense of where I am, I am not sure where I am heading either. Of course, at my age it might not be a bad thing to lack a sense of purpose and direction. I fully support the idea of living without a goal. Perhaps my only goal should be to live, be where I am, and do whatever I am doing...like typing these notes so people unknown can read them. The problem with being a spiritual seeker, always on a quest and always on a journey, is the sense that you actually have to go somewhere to find something. I am reminded of a song by George Harrison entitled "The Inner Light".
Without going out of my door,
I can know all things on earth
without looking out of my window,
I can know the ways of heaven.
The farther one travels
the less one knows
the less one really knows.
Without going out of your door,
You can know all things on earth
without looking out of your window,
you can know the ways of heaven.
The farther one travels
the less one knows
the less one really knows.
Arrive without travelling,
See all without looking,
Do all without doing.
I think I am going to just stay in my house. (smile)
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Awesome Things Volume XIV
A clean car. Last Sunday afternoon I finally got my car washed for the first time since the end of winter. Why does a clean car run better than a dirty one? Is it just me or is there a shortage of full service car washes?
Getting rid of stuff. I am in the process of emptying my kitchen prior to some remodeling. I either threw out or gave to the Goodwill most of the stuff I found in my cabinets. It always feels good to lighten one's load.
A clean car that is warm. Every Monday morning I fill up my gas tank for the coming week. This past Monday was no different. It was a little cool and breezy while I was standing outside my car waiting for the tank to fill. When I was finished it felt very good to get back in my warm car.
Our five senses. Sometimes we need to stop and really appreciate our sight, our hearing, and our ability to taste, feel, and smell. I can't imagine a world where I couldn't see my granddaughter's smile, hear my favorite music, taste my favorite food, feel a cool breeze on a warm day, or smell the fragrant aroma of honeysuckle bushes. The world really is full of sensory delights.
Waking up in the night and realizing that you still have three hours of sleep left before your alarm clock goes off. This happens to me all the time and when I realize it I find myself quietly thinking, "Thank you, God"!
Wednesdays! Fridays always seemed to rate number one but there's a lot to be said for Wednesday. It's "Hump Day" and a major milestone in the work week. Once you get past Wednesday it's all downhill. Although I try very hard to practice mindfulness and being in the moment, I still find it motivating to always have a goal or something to look forward to. I try to enjoy everyday but I always look forward to a weekend, a scheduled day off, an upcoming concert, or maybe a quiet weekend at the monastery. I look forward to this coming weekend because I have very little to do. The last two weekends have been very busy and I came back to work on Monday very tired. This weekend is not quite here so for now I celebrate that it's Wednesday. Tomorrow is Friday Eve.
Derby time in Louisville. This rite of spring is like Christmas time. Even if you don't attend any of the events surrounding the Derby, there's something in the air. Last weekend was Thunder over Louisville, this weekend is the Great Balloon Race if we're lucky and the weather forecast for rain is wrong. It's awesome to look up in the morning sky during the race to see dozens of multicolored balloons floating around the clouds. Next weekend is the actual Derby and for one day Louisville is the center of the universe.
Laughter. Anytime I am in the midst of laughter I know life is good. It can be the laughter of my granddaughter, a friend at lunch, co-worker's taking a break from work, or my wife when I make her laugh so hard she wets her pants. Laughter is a wonderful thing and it's value should be appreciated. You can never laugh too much.
My granddaughter is always awesome. Here's a conversation she had with my wife recently.
My Wife: Chloe, do you like to eat strawberries?
Chloe: Yes
My Wife: Do you like to eat watermelons?
Chloe: Yes
My Wife: Do you like to eat raspberries?
Chloe: Yes
My Wife: Do you like to eat blackberries?
Chloe: Meemo! Blackberries are telephones!
Getting rid of stuff. I am in the process of emptying my kitchen prior to some remodeling. I either threw out or gave to the Goodwill most of the stuff I found in my cabinets. It always feels good to lighten one's load.
A clean car that is warm. Every Monday morning I fill up my gas tank for the coming week. This past Monday was no different. It was a little cool and breezy while I was standing outside my car waiting for the tank to fill. When I was finished it felt very good to get back in my warm car.
Our five senses. Sometimes we need to stop and really appreciate our sight, our hearing, and our ability to taste, feel, and smell. I can't imagine a world where I couldn't see my granddaughter's smile, hear my favorite music, taste my favorite food, feel a cool breeze on a warm day, or smell the fragrant aroma of honeysuckle bushes. The world really is full of sensory delights.
Waking up in the night and realizing that you still have three hours of sleep left before your alarm clock goes off. This happens to me all the time and when I realize it I find myself quietly thinking, "Thank you, God"!
Wednesdays! Fridays always seemed to rate number one but there's a lot to be said for Wednesday. It's "Hump Day" and a major milestone in the work week. Once you get past Wednesday it's all downhill. Although I try very hard to practice mindfulness and being in the moment, I still find it motivating to always have a goal or something to look forward to. I try to enjoy everyday but I always look forward to a weekend, a scheduled day off, an upcoming concert, or maybe a quiet weekend at the monastery. I look forward to this coming weekend because I have very little to do. The last two weekends have been very busy and I came back to work on Monday very tired. This weekend is not quite here so for now I celebrate that it's Wednesday. Tomorrow is Friday Eve.
Derby time in Louisville. This rite of spring is like Christmas time. Even if you don't attend any of the events surrounding the Derby, there's something in the air. Last weekend was Thunder over Louisville, this weekend is the Great Balloon Race if we're lucky and the weather forecast for rain is wrong. It's awesome to look up in the morning sky during the race to see dozens of multicolored balloons floating around the clouds. Next weekend is the actual Derby and for one day Louisville is the center of the universe.
Laughter. Anytime I am in the midst of laughter I know life is good. It can be the laughter of my granddaughter, a friend at lunch, co-worker's taking a break from work, or my wife when I make her laugh so hard she wets her pants. Laughter is a wonderful thing and it's value should be appreciated. You can never laugh too much.
My granddaughter is always awesome. Here's a conversation she had with my wife recently.
My Wife: Chloe, do you like to eat strawberries?
Chloe: Yes
My Wife: Do you like to eat watermelons?
Chloe: Yes
My Wife: Do you like to eat raspberries?
Chloe: Yes
My Wife: Do you like to eat blackberries?
Chloe: Meemo! Blackberries are telephones!
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Too Busy And Too Tired
I haven't written much lately. I'm not sure I have even thought about much lately. The last few weeks have seemed busy but at this moment I struggle to remember the details. A couple of weeks ago I spent the weekend at the monastery but it was not a restful trip. The weekend was full of meetings revolving around the management of a lay group I helped found about twenty years ago. This past weekend was mostly spent with my granddaughter which is always a joy, albeit an exhausting one. There was little down time because I also had to do various chores due to a lot of updating and remodeling work that is still being done at my home. Although I am happy about the improvements, the chaos gets on my nerves. Most nights after I return home from my work day I feel like all available energy must be used to maintain minimum life support functions. In other words I am generally exhausted. A day off, even in the middle of the work week and alone, would hardly be time to re-energize myself. I do have a vacation scheduled for June but it is a family vacation and family trips are not really restful either. A week after my family vacation I am going to Chicago with friends for the Eric Clapton Crossroads Guitar Festival. It is an all day affair and I am sure I will have a wonderful time but it, too, will be exhausting. I think what I really need to do is schedule some time, incognito, at the monastery. I need to go there for no other reason than to be alone with myself in silence and solitude, striving to be invisible to everyone else there. This will be my goal.
I have come to realize that I cannot write anything of substance when I am tired. My best stuff is written when I am awake physically and spiritually. Apart from the issue of fatigue, I often feel empty of anything to say. The well of thoughts may be dry or my tiredness may be preventing me from seeing any water in the well.
Recently I was visiting with my friend, Fr. Dennis, who lives as a hermit near the monastery. He was telling me how settled he feels in his life and how small his world has become as a hermit compared to all his years in active ministry. This realization has brought him much happiness. I found myself envying him. I don't feel at all settled in my life. My life is still hectic and busy. I am as restless and conflicted as always, perhaps even more so the older I get. There are many tensions and internal battles raging in my life between commitments, desires, responsibilities, relationships, and personal needs. I appear calm on the surface and most around me think I am full of "inner peace". I do have moments of calm and peace, not to mention joy and happiness, but there is also a never-ending restlessness and exhaustion brought on by my own inner struggles. Fr. Dennis seems to have found peace and his place in the world but I am still searching for mine.
I have come to realize that I cannot write anything of substance when I am tired. My best stuff is written when I am awake physically and spiritually. Apart from the issue of fatigue, I often feel empty of anything to say. The well of thoughts may be dry or my tiredness may be preventing me from seeing any water in the well.
Recently I was visiting with my friend, Fr. Dennis, who lives as a hermit near the monastery. He was telling me how settled he feels in his life and how small his world has become as a hermit compared to all his years in active ministry. This realization has brought him much happiness. I found myself envying him. I don't feel at all settled in my life. My life is still hectic and busy. I am as restless and conflicted as always, perhaps even more so the older I get. There are many tensions and internal battles raging in my life between commitments, desires, responsibilities, relationships, and personal needs. I appear calm on the surface and most around me think I am full of "inner peace". I do have moments of calm and peace, not to mention joy and happiness, but there is also a never-ending restlessness and exhaustion brought on by my own inner struggles. Fr. Dennis seems to have found peace and his place in the world but I am still searching for mine.
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