Good Thoughts

Contemplation becomes a way of life. I don’t like to think of it so much as something I do but something I am, so I often use the phrase—the contemplative stance. It’s a way of living, moving, and being in this world. I fully admit that we don’t live all of our twenty-four hours there. The world keeps pulling me back into the false self. Put on this hat. Put on this identity. Take on this hurt. Put on this self-importance, and we all do it, and it’s all right as long as we know how to take it back off again.
-Richard Rohr ofm

Finally I am coming to the conclusion that my highest ambition is to be what I already am. That I will never fulfill my obligation to surpass myself unless I first accept myself, and if I accept myself fully in the right way, I will already have surpassed myself.
-Thomas Merton

Trusting Your Experience

I had a few minutes at work today so I read today's Tao thought. Here's what it said.

Wearily I open my prayer book,
Sepia photograph of sage on amber page,
Flaming raven Sanskrit, strange syllables,
Intone, chant, repeat.
Number vows with beads,
Every resolution is inspiration petrified.

What the Tao is teaching us with this saying is that we all sometimes get weary of our spiritual practices and when they are empty for us it is fine to give ourselves a break from them. However, it also goes on to say that the discipline of spiritual practices has a value in itself. I suppose that all of us have moments of spiritual consolation as well as moments of spiritual desolation. Many, if not most, of the great saints and mystics experienced more darkness than light, more desolation than consolation, and very often lived by pure faith rather than in the bliss of deep inner peace.

At this time in my life I struggle with the whole idea of spiritual practices. It's not that I believe discipline has no value. Most of our lives would be chaos without some kind of discipline in them. For me it is a big discipline just to go to work everyday. I think my current struggle with spiritual disciplines is because of the duality they bring into my life. Spiritual practices are associated with a "spiritual life" that can seem separate from the rest of my life. I prefer to strive for a life that is sacred in all its aspects and not compartmentalized into a spiritual life and a secular life. Why do I have to do "spiritual things" as though the simple living of my life is not a spiritual thing? Yes, I know this could be seen by some as a justification of my own laziness and lack of discipline. In all honesty, I cannot see a difference in my life when I am faithful to spiritual practices or when I ignore them. The awakening of my total being through being present to the moment in all its joy, pain, or boredom seems to be what makes a difference for me. At this point in my life I am trusting my experience but whatever works for you, keep doing it.

No Obligations and No Commitments

This has been a great weekend. I don't care if today's temperature never got out of the high 30's. This is one of the first weekends in recent memory that I haven't had any obligations or commitments. I've had 48 hours or so where I could do whatever I wanted. What I choose was to get plenty of sleep, approximately eight or nine hours a night, and to spend most of my waking hours hidden away in my man cave. I have delighted in being alone, listening to music, reading books, drinking coffee, and sometimes doing nothing but staring out the window. Now, as the weekend draws to a close, I have four days of work ahead of me before my wife and I take a long weekend trip to the mountains. One of the workdays I am attending an off site business conference which is almost like not working. However, I hope I don't break my neck from my head bobbing up and down in total boredom. Such meetings with hundreds of people are introvert hell. O well, I've done it before so I guess I can tough it out one more time. For now, however, I will enjoy the remainder of this cold and dreary Sunday. It's a little bit of a shock after the warm, spring days we've had lately. Like I said, I don't really care. The moment is perfect and I am enjoying it.

My Birthday

Yesterday was my birthday. My body is now 58 years old but I think my mind is still about 25. It was a good day. The day before I was down in the dumps but after a visit to the hospital on Wednesday night to see a family member I felt much better. Their improvement lifted my spirit. When I arrived at work on Thursday I could see balloons at my desk before I even got there. My wonderful staff had bought balloons, prepared a wonderful lunch, and decorated a cake. As though that wasn't enough, I also received a birthday card with gift certificates to a local restaurant and one of my favorite bookstores. I must admit it was very nice, if a little embarrassing, to be the object of such attention and affection. One of the ironies of my personality is that I want attention and recognition but am also embarrassed by it. However, I deeply appreciated the thoughtfulness. It means a lot to me. Later, after my workday was over, my wife and I met our son and Chloe for dinner. When I see Chloe everyday is my birthday. As soon as she saw me she ran to me and jumped in my arms. Chloe is a little girl who deeply loves her Pa Paw and her Pa Paw deeply loves her.

Today is Friday and I love Fridays. I have a job that is mostly enjoyable but I am still always happy to arrive at the end of the work week. I have a good job and I work for a good company. However, working is still something I do against my will and I feel like a prisoner during the work day. The weekend represents freedom or, at the very least, a 48 hour pass from prison. Many people feel this way but as I age, the longing for personal freedom deepens. Of course, even the workplace has a positive side. One highlight of my workday is friendships. Today one of my friends took me out for lunch in honor of my birthday. She is my most frequent lunch partner. We decided that in 2009 we would try to go places for lunch where one or both of us had never been. Today we went to Old Chicago and enjoyed their wonderful lunch buffet as well as great conversation that was filled with laughter. Now it is mid afternoon as I type these notes. I should be working but I am sleepy and bored. In my mind I am already out of here.

Miles To Go Before I Sleep

I am not in a great mood today. I was awakened from a sound sleep at my usual workday time. Outside my window it was pouring down rain. I never enjoy leaving my bed or my home in the dark on a rainy day. Grudgingly, I got up and went through my morning routine in a catatonic state. While I was brushing my teeth I realized that not only did I have to go to work, it was Wednesday and I would have to visit the hospital in the evening. In other words, to paraphrase Robert Frost, "I had miles to go before I sleep". I must admit to some compassion fatigue due to people needing me. At least part of my bad mood was also caused by problems I've been having with my home computer. I've been having some problems that I have been trying to resolve on my own despite my lack of technical skill. I think I have solved the problem but with a big price. My computer now resembles the main character in the movie "The Curious Case of Benjamin Buttons". I have done what is called a "System Restore" that basically takes your computer back to its original state when you took it out of the box. Like Benjamin Buttons it has aged backward to it's infancy. I think my computer is saved but I have lost some pictures and documents that were saved on my hard drive plus I need to reinstall some problems like Microsoft Word, Instant Messaging, and Virus protection. I am not a computer geek but I do love my computer and the way it allows me to connect with people and the world.

I think I am also a little depressed because tomorrow is my birthday. It comes at a time when I am very bored with much of my life. Many days I am only happy because nothing bad is happening. It is very rare for something really good to happen. Some of you may find that surprising since I often write about my life in a positive way. The reality is that the best birthday gift I could receive would be a sabbatical from my own life. I am tired of every aspect of my life with the exception of being Chloe's Pa Paw. She continues to be a source of bottomless joy. A lot of my life has been a spiritual quest and a search for meaning. I am often haunted, however, by the words of a faraway friend who once said, "Michael, you shouldn't have to look so hard for meaning in your life. It should be obvious to you. If it's not, maybe you are in the wrong life". Am I in the wrong life? Who knows? If I am, what is the right life? I don't know what else to do right now but hang in there. I know moods are like the weather and these negative feelings will go away. I also know that feelings do not always reflect reality. This moment is a cloudy day and perhaps my visibility is limited. A new day can improve that.

Gifts, Talents, And Skills

During my meeting at the monastery on Saturday one of the things we talked about was gifts. Gifts are slightly different than talents or skills but all of these are closely related. In my mind a gift is something that you are born with. I believe, and other people have told me, that I have a gift for writing. I have never done anything to develop the talent or the skill of writing although I believe it has become a talent and a skill. It comes naturally and easily to me. I may never get rich writing and I may never be as good as Thomas Merton or Henry David Thoreau, but I am confident I will always be able to express myself well through writing and I know there are others who like what I say and how I say it. My basic gift of being able to write has developed into a talent and a skill. On the other hand, although I believe I also have a gift for appreciating and loving music, I have absolutely no talent or skill as a musician. I will never be able to play the guitar like Eric Clapton although with a little effort I might be able to write the lyrics to a song. I think gifts and talents are closely related. A gift is the inherent ability to do something. Talent is perhaps the development of a gift. Skills can be learned without necessarily have a gift or talent for something. For example, I have developed some skill with Microsoft Excel in my daily work. At the same time I don't really have a gift or special talent for things of a technical nature. My home computer is now down and I am helpless on my own to fix it. For that I will need the skill and talent of another person who I also hope has the gift of fixing computers for a minimal cost.

Beyond the gift of a talent or a skill that we might be able to do well, I think there is also the gift of who we are. Over the years I have learned much about who I am. There have been some psychological tools that have helped me. Through the Myers-Briggs Personality Type Indicator I have learned that I am an introverted, intuitive person shaped more by personal values than other's rules, and that I am someone who likes my life to be as open as possible and not terribly restricted or driven by the clock. Through the Enneagram I have learned that I am a peacemaker who hates conflict and disharmony. I have learned that my very presence often makes others feel peaceful and safe. Who I am seems to have a calming influence on others. Finally, in the last year or so, through a program and book called "StrengthFinders" I have learned that my top five strengths as a person are empathy, intellection, connectedness, developing, and communication. I care about people, I am a thinker who can usually connect the dots to see the big picture, I like to develop people and my ability to communicate speaks for itself. All of this stuff together is who I am as a person when I am at my best. For others it will be a different assortment of traits and talents and skills. However, whenever any of us are our "true selves"...that version of ourselves most perfect and real...we are a gift to others.

I Think Spring Is Really Here!

Spring has sprung in my part of the world. Forsythia bushes are bursting with yellow flowers. White dogwoods are everywhere with a few pink ones as well. Daffodils and budding trees cover the land. What I have not seen are red bud trees. Where are they hiding?

I went to the monastery yesterday. As always it was a pleasant drive through the countryside. I am happy I have commited myself to go there twice a month. It may only be for the day but it is good for me to reconnect with the place and the people I encounter there whether they be monks or just regular folks like me. I managed to see my old friend, Father Damien, who has recently returned from an extended stay in Indonesia. The only bad thing about these monthly visits to the monastery is that they are usually rushed and full of activity. What I need is a day or a weekend where I am basically alone and I can be quiet and solitary.

When I returned home I took a short nap in preparation for Hurricane Chloe hitting land at my house. She's always very good and I truly look forward to her visits but she keeps me on my toes. She is just a few months from being five years old. She speaks very well and is quite intelligent. We have wonderful conversations, especially at night when we are lying in bed. Last night we played a game where we picked a letter of the alphabet and then tried to name as many things as we could that began with that letter. The game totally degenerated when we picked the letter "B" and I said that "Butt begins with B". It was downhill from there.

It has been a beautiful Sunday and it can only get better. In two weeks I will be in the mountains. I can't wait for the time off and the distance I will put between my normal life and the experience of being surrounded by the Great Smoky Mountains.