Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Miles To Go Before I Sleep

I am not in a great mood today. I was awakened from a sound sleep at my usual workday time. Outside my window it was pouring down rain. I never enjoy leaving my bed or my home in the dark on a rainy day. Grudgingly, I got up and went through my morning routine in a catatonic state. While I was brushing my teeth I realized that not only did I have to go to work, it was Wednesday and I would have to visit the hospital in the evening. In other words, to paraphrase Robert Frost, "I had miles to go before I sleep". I must admit to some compassion fatigue due to people needing me. At least part of my bad mood was also caused by problems I've been having with my home computer. I've been having some problems that I have been trying to resolve on my own despite my lack of technical skill. I think I have solved the problem but with a big price. My computer now resembles the main character in the movie "The Curious Case of Benjamin Buttons". I have done what is called a "System Restore" that basically takes your computer back to its original state when you took it out of the box. Like Benjamin Buttons it has aged backward to it's infancy. I think my computer is saved but I have lost some pictures and documents that were saved on my hard drive plus I need to reinstall some problems like Microsoft Word, Instant Messaging, and Virus protection. I am not a computer geek but I do love my computer and the way it allows me to connect with people and the world.

I think I am also a little depressed because tomorrow is my birthday. It comes at a time when I am very bored with much of my life. Many days I am only happy because nothing bad is happening. It is very rare for something really good to happen. Some of you may find that surprising since I often write about my life in a positive way. The reality is that the best birthday gift I could receive would be a sabbatical from my own life. I am tired of every aspect of my life with the exception of being Chloe's Pa Paw. She continues to be a source of bottomless joy. A lot of my life has been a spiritual quest and a search for meaning. I am often haunted, however, by the words of a faraway friend who once said, "Michael, you shouldn't have to look so hard for meaning in your life. It should be obvious to you. If it's not, maybe you are in the wrong life". Am I in the wrong life? Who knows? If I am, what is the right life? I don't know what else to do right now but hang in there. I know moods are like the weather and these negative feelings will go away. I also know that feelings do not always reflect reality. This moment is a cloudy day and perhaps my visibility is limited. A new day can improve that.


Littlefair said...

Breaks are good, I find, in order for me to enjoy coming back to my regular life.

Bon travail! (with your life, not your work!)

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday Michael! Birthdays are always special because they allow everyone to celebrate the meaning that only you bring to life. May yours be blessed, joyful and full of love. You are one great aging hippie!