Monday, February 23, 2009

Feeling Tired Of Everything

I shouldn't complain about my life but sometimes I do. Sometimes I just get tired of it all. Certainly it has its blessings but many days it feels like a treadmill that goes nowhere. Maybe all this is no more than a return of the wintertime blues. Maybe it's suppressed feelings related to my Dad's death. By the end of my workday I was feeling very fatigued and that's when my mind was invaded with negativity. I was sitting in my car waiting for my wife to come out of her office. I was sleepy and my head was bobbing to the beat of the music playing on my radio. I felt physically tired, mentally tired, and spiritually tired. I am so tired of working. Yes, I am grateful to be employed and to have the ability to earn a paycheck. However, I have been working since 1967...42 years...and I am simply tired of it. I am tired of boring work and dealing with people. In fact, I think I am tired of dealing with people everywhere. Lack of enthusiasm for work may be compounded by watching my life savings melt before my eyes. Another thing I am tired of is the never ending bad news about the economy. These thoughts were followed by the dread of going to the grocery store. After seeing many television images of hundreds, maybe thousands, of starving people chasing after a truck hoping to catch a five pound bag of rice, how could I complain about casually walking through a well stocked supermarket choosing what I want and basically having the money to pay for it? There's no justification for my complaining but still I do it. While I am complaining let me state for the record that I am very, very tired of the cold weather. I need some sunshine and warm breezes. In addition to some warmth and sunlight, I would like a month at the monastery. Yes, I would like one month to sleep as much as I like. One month to walk in the woods and fields. One month to sit in the silence. One month to care about nothing but myself. One month to think or not to think. One month to get up in the night because I want to do so. One month to drink coffee and simply look out a window. Did I say one month to sleep as much as I want to do so and to live my life on my schedule? The monastery may be an odd choice for where I want to spend my time. Why? Another thought that I've had lately is how much I miss the faith of my youth. It seemed so simple then. It was easy to believe and accept everything I was taught. Now, as an adult, the life of faith is more difficult and challenging. If the faith of my youth was full of light, my adult faith is full of darkness. Most days I don't even know what it is that my faith is in. Without being overly dramatic, I really am in a Cloud of Unknowing. O well, it's late at night. The siren song of my bed is calling. Perhaps some sleep and the light of a new day will improve the way I feel.

1 comment:

Littlefair said...

I've got those economic doom and gloom blues too! Without deigning to give you advice, I thought I'd post a poem which gives me some food for thought in times like this. Hope you enjoy it.

Days by Philip Larkin

What are days for?
Days are where we live.
They come, they wake us
Time and time over.
They are to be happy in:
Where can we live but days?

Ah, solving that question
Brings the priest and the doctor
In their long coats
Running over the fields.