Kindness

Last night I read an article that began as a commencement speech at a college graduation.  Much of the article was the traditional type of message that older people who have lived some life say to those that are beginning their lives.  This speech was a little different.  The speaker said his biggest regrets in life were all the times he was not kind.  He went on to say that people tend to get kinder the older they get.  He then challenged the graduates by asked “Why wait till you are old?  Start being kind now”!  Being kind is probably more of a motivating force in my life than being loving.  I try to be kind to everyone even if they are strangers or people that I don’t necessarily love.  Maybe at the sub atomic level love can’t be separated from kindness.  Perhaps all kindness is rooted in a deep love.  Regardless, what a wonderful world it would be if everyone was kind to everyone else.  I believe if I can do this one thing, and do it well, it’s all I have to do to be a good person.  St. Augustine, a 5^th century bishop, had a slightly different take when he said, “Love and do what you will”.  One could also say, “Be kind and do what you will”.  I know some people can try our patience but I still don’t know why it is so difficult for some people to be kind.  I’ve known people who seem to do the exact opposite on purpose.  What’s up with that?  I challenge all of you to practice kindness today with everyone you meet.  It can be a co-worker, the tired waitress at the Waffle House, a store clerk who is surly, or the people with whom you live.  Just be nice!  Karma will return these acts of kindness to you when you need them the most.  

 

Hasn't This Been A Great Day?

When I used to make monthly visits to my friend, Father Dennis, I would arrive at his home early in the morning.  Shortly thereafter we would go out for breakfast at some mom and pop restaurant.  Sometimes we would drive around Nelson County and visit historical churches.  At some point we would return to his home and just talk.  More often than not these talks were serious, personal, and reflective conversations.  When it was time for me to leave and go home he would usually hug me and say “Hasn’t this been a great day”?  When was the last time you made such a statement?  There are too many days in my life where I am simply trying to get through the day.  Who among us doesn’t live for the weekends because it seems unlikely that our Monday through Friday working life has the potential to “be a great day”?  When Dennis and I spent a day together we did nothing special.  It was mostly the stuff of everyday life.  Why did it seem so special?  What would it take for the ordinary days of our lives to feel like great days?  Why do we wish our lives away and dream of tomorrow?  Isn’t today yesterday’s tomorrow?  As you go through your day today, look for greatness.  What makes you happy?  What gives the day meaning?  What parts are you enjoying?  At the same time make note of what doesn’t seem so great.  What parts are you not enjoying?  What makes you unhappy?  What parts are meaningless?  When you’ve done all that, take some time and reflect on it?  What do you need to change?  

 

For Everything There Is A Season

I got up late this morning.  When I finally woke up the alarm clock had been ringing for about 15 minutes and my wife was missing.  In our culture there is no such thing as oversleeping.  No one in a sleep deprived culture can oversleep.  All you can do is wake up late.  After two weeks of sleeping in a chair my wife has been attempting to sleep in our bed.  Apparently last night was a rough night so she ended up back downstairs in her chair.  I continue to earn credits towards my nursing degree and caretaker license.  Each morning after I get myself together I prepare my wife’s breakfast and coffee, make sure she has all of her meds, and I  make her as comfortable as possible before I leave home.  Last night on the way home I stopped at Kroger and did our grocery shopping.  After I put everything away and made some dinner, I helped my wife take a bath.  When I got her settled again, I got into a horizontal position on my couch and went into a deep coma.  Several hours later I woke up in the Twilight Zone.  When it was finally bed time I had little trouble falling back asleep.  This is the part of marriage that isn’t covered in the honeymoon brochures.  In the wedding vows where they mention “in sickness and in health”, this is the sickness part.  I can’t complain because I have been on the other side several times in my marriage.  More than once I was the receiver of the caregiving.  For everything there is a season. 

 

Age And A Meaningful Life

Yesterday I took my annual Vitality Health Assessment.  The good news is that I am getting younger.  According to the test I am now 66 years old.  The bad news is that I am really only 62 years old.  However, last year I was 69 years old.  Since my Vitality age is 66 I wonder if I can go ahead and retire?  Although it wasn’t tested, my mental age is approximately 25 years old.  My question to you, in the words of Satchel Paige, is “How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you was”?

 

Young people often have existential angst about their future.  They sometimes ponder, “What do I want to be when I grow up”?  Older people like me have less angst about the future because the future is running out of time.  My angst tends to be more along the lines of “What kind of life have I lived”?  I wonder less about what impact I will have and more about what impact I have had.  Young people wonder if their life will have meaning.  Older people wonder if their life has had meaning.  I find myself wondering what my legacy will be.  When I am gone from this place, whether through retirement or moving on to the next level of existence, will my being here have made a difference?  I don’t care much about success in traditional terms.  Titles and paychecks don’t mean as much to me as whether or not I am living a meaningful life where I make a difference and people notice my absence when I am gone.  Are you living a meaning life?  Do you make a difference?      

 

Marriage

This past Saturday was my 39^th wedding anniversary.  I made a note of it on Facebook and one person took me to task over the way I did it.  They basically said, “Michael, you’re supposed to say how wonderful it’s been, not how long it’s been”.  I am not saying there haven’t been some wonderful moments.  Marriage, however, is an experience that differs from one couple to another couple in as many ways as there are couples.  I was 23 years old when I got married and I realize now that I had absolutely no idea what I was doing at the time.  With all due respect to my wife, I have found marriage and family life very difficult.  This is more about me than about them.  Marriage is hard and it takes a lot of work.  In many ways a marriage and a family is like running a business.  The wife is usually the CEO and the CFO and the husband is the maintenance man.  However, marriage has been a good thing for me in many ways.  It has given me a stability in my life that I needed.  It has provided a level of comfort that is more than acceptable.  It has caused me, and sometimes demanded me, to put others ahead of myself.  I wish I could tell all the young people I know that marriage is not a Romeo and Juliet experience where you hold hands and spend your whole life walking in the park.  This certainly has not been my experience.  I am married to a very good person and I try to be a good husband.  Some days I do this better than other days.  Even with all its challenges, I think marriage can be a good thing and I believe the decline of marriage is the source of many of society’s problems.  I am not sure what kind of grade I will get as a husband or as a father but as difficult as its been for me I have tried to do my best.   

Living In The Present

Earlier this week I received an email with the following question.

 

“So what exactly does it mean to you to live in the present”? 

 

The simplest answer I could give was that I try to have my mind and my body in the same place at the same time.  This is very hard.  I can sit here and do my work but my mind is often miles away and days ahead.  When I received the question on Wednesday, also known as “hump day”, I wondered, “Who isn’t already thinking of the weekend”?  Another part of being in the moment is to not spend time regretting the past or dreaming of the future.  Try to be open to the possibilities of the present and to notice the extraordinary within the ordinary as it unfolds each day.  It is difficult to live in the moment and to practice mindfulness.  Our culture inundates us with images, commercials, temptations, and data.  Our lives pull us in many different directions that are often in conflict with one another.  It can sometimes feel like we are trying to stay balanced in the middle of a tornado or hurricane.  It takes a lot of practice, discipline, and fortitude.  I think this is why it is called practicing mindfulness.  It’s like anything else.  You get better at it the more you do it.  The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.  Take a step today.  None of this is simple and it does take a conscious effort.   

 

I could not believe it.  On Wednesday I was walking down Main Street on my way to a meeting.  In front of the Yum Center I stumbled and hit the deck.  I landed on my hands and knees.  Fortunately nothing was hurt but my ego.  Part of my shock was that I fell exactly like my wife did when she broke her arm.  I am feeling sore today but grateful that no bones were broken.

 

Living With Grief

Yesterday was the one month anniversary of the death of my best friend.  I miss him very much.  I still expect to see his name on my caller ID but the phone is not ringing.  In a world that has given us Facebook, where people have hundreds and thousands of “friends”, the reality is that if you have a handful of real friends, you are a very fortunate person.  I know lots of people and lots of people know me.  However, there are only a few people who are truly part of my inner circle.  My friend, Dennis, was one of these people.  Some people think of me as their guru and advisor.  Some people hang on every word I write.  I generally try to write in a positive way that encourages other people.  The reality is that some of my writing comes from my own pain.  Occasionally I need a guru and advisor.  Dennis was this person for me and now that space is empty.  I was thinking about Dennis last night as I tried to fall asleep.  It occurred to me that part of my difficulty dealing with his death is perhaps a lack of traditional closure.  One day Dennis was alive and well.  The next thing I know I am at his funeral.  There was no funeral home visitation and I never saw his body again because he was cremated.  The whole funeral home process now makes a little more sense to me as a ritual that has meaning and is part of the grieving process.  I am a long way from being over this event in my life.  I still can’t think about it too much without upsetting myself.  It gives me much to ponder.  It makes me more grateful for the deeper friendships I have.  It reminds me to never take anyone or anything for granted.  It’s a painful lesson but, perhaps, a necessary one