Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Thoughts For A Cold And Dreary Day

Today one of my friends made the following comment to me.

You seem meek, but you are more stubborn than a mule.

My friend is correct. I can seem meek to some because I am easy going. I have a reputation for being laid back. The reality, however, is that I can be very stubborn. I think this might be a Myers-Briggs INFP trait. I read once that INFP's are rather compliant until you push them in a direction they really do not want to go. This usually has to do with values. I am also an Enneagram type Nine. One of the traits of this type is to take the path of least resistance. I think there is a lot of psychological tension in my life because of stuff like this. I am stubborn and easy at the same time. I am rebellious and righteous at the same time. I am the white knight and the dark knight rolled into one. I am basically good but want to be bad. There are areas of my life where I am not very happy. There are areas where I am frustrated. As a certified cave dweller, one who prefers solitude, my standard office procedure when I am not happy is to withdraw into my solitude and basically tell the world to leave me alone. One of my primary coping mechanisms is to simply wait things out. Sometimes this is me being stubborn. Other times this is me being passive aggressive. I'm not proud of it.

I had another conversation with a co-worker and peer about our annual performance evaluations which are currently taking place. I generally don't rate myself high. Yes, I do think there are things I do well and overall I am a very good employee. However, I am not a role model for what I do. I have my strengths but I also have many weaknesses. In general, I think I am overrated as a person. I am not being humble. I am opinionated and judgmental. There is little that generates enthusiasm in me. Much of the time I am simply going through the motions in my work and many of my relationships. At the moment I am feeling spiritually empty and uninspiring. I do not like to be a downer but I also strive to be honest about how I am feeling. I am no one's role model. If people are impressed with me I think it is because I genuinely try to be kind and I strive to speak and write with honesty. Other than that I am not all that inspiring. Most of my life is a struggle for me. My biggest fears are that I really am overrated, that I am a fraud on multiple levels, and that I am valued no more than a piece of furniture in most people's lives.

After all these negative feelings, my day ended with a smile when I unexpectedly had to pick up my granddaughter at her daycare. She is sunshine on a cloudy day.

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