Thursday, June 04, 2009

Books, Music, Coffee, And Relationships

The last several days have felt like summer with sunny days and temperatures in the high 80's. Today it is pouring down rain with temperatures in the 50's. I don't care because I am home doing what I want to do. I am seldom more happy than when I am alone with a good book, enjoyable music, and a cup of tasty coffee. Sometimes it seems odd and a little disconcerting that although I like people I am most content when I am alone. The truth is that I find most people wearing on the nerves and usually lots of work. I have lots of relationships in my life but few are deep and, yes, I do regret this because I do long for intimacy with others in spite of my solitary ways. I sometimes wonder if the relationships in my life are fragile and a bit superficial because I am so solitary or if I am solitary because of their fragility and shallowness. I also wonder why I seem so incapable of developing deep and intimate relationships. Is it me? Do I expect too much of people? Do others see me as too needy or unrealistic of what they can give me? Perhaps it's none of this and life has simply molded me into a very withdrawn and introverted person. Even though I am mostly happy being alone I admit to some frustration over the lack of close, meaningful relationships in my life. My introspection and study of psychology and the Enneagram have led me to believe that I am "Sexual Nine with a One Wing". The "Sexual" type of person is one who is always searching for intimacy and one on one relationships. This intimacy is more emotional than sexual. Other psychological subtypes are more concerned with their personal comfort and survival or their social lives with other people, groups, and communities. I am very convinced that I have nailed my personality type with all of its strengths, needs, and dysfunctions. At age 58 I know who and what I am. I even have some theories as to how I became such a person. My childhood provided the groundwork for most of who I am. Other life experiences also helped mold me into the person I am today. Admittedly, there is some degree of sadness and loneliness that is part of my personality. This is probably inevitable for someone who is a dreamer with what most people would consider unrealistic expectations of life and other people. However, it's not all bad being me. My introspective nature is what drives me to share my thoughts and feelings with others. I know I am not a role model for how to live well and be happy. I also know that many enjoy my thoughts because I have the skill and occasional courage to articulate feelings that are shared by many others. In an ironic twist I have achieved some degree of intimacy with many people I don't even know and will likely never meet. I may never achieve the kind of one on one intimacy that seems to elude me. Perhaps my destiny is to feel the pain and pleasure of my solitary nature, to continue reading books and enjoying music, while occasionally sharing my reflections to comfort or, at least, make others realize they are not alone in their own feelings. My coffee cup is empty. When that happens it is time to stop writing. I can only write for as long as it takes to drink my coffee. Lucky for you....

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